not sure how widespread this feeling is but watching ilya is very, very painful to me. re his associations with control and domination. like, that it's a bad thing, it's been used against him for so long, particularly masked by things like 'duty' and 'family', even 'masculinity,' but when he does it, it works, because he's better than what made him, no one is doing it like him, which is to say, doing it in a kind of surface-level way, a jokey way, also a sexy way, with people who mean nothing much, who can mean nothing much. and then along comes someone for whom his control is not just something to be enjoyed (for sex or hockey wins) or tolerated (for sex or hockey wins) but something essential. this person needs something from you. but they need the thing in you that is the most compromised. not your body or your money but your whole self, the self that knows and creates and thinks, and the things it thinks—give me, come now, on your knees, ask nicely, respond respond respond, could you know yourself without me, without my instructions, you can't, right? and you're like ok, uhhhh that's different. that's not usual. but i can ride this wave. but you can't. it is so terrifying. it is a commitment to knowing not just someone else but yourself. you have to look inwards and see the strange mental gymnastics you do every day to stop yourself from seeing how needy and greedy you are. your mistakes and missteps. your cunning. he would do anything if you told him to. right? right. lack of foresight. the way your eye caught on 'japanese or something.' no it didn't. yes it did. no it—your denials. your insane insecurities. fear. desire. so much so much so much of those last two ones. and it's like, can i trust myself to take care of this person, actually. not just give them/myself the satisfaction of my sexual control, but take care of them/myself, keep on going with it, through the compromised everything of what i am. and the fact that RR's answer is effectively 'yes, why not, and it's not that hard, actually' actually kills me. because i want her to be right so badly. but she's not. but i guess it's just about being brave enough to try and fail and try again—which ilya is.
