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Hate when my brain just decides it's time to feel bad and anxious and I can't make it stop. Hate that even when my manager says 'you didn't do anything wrong' it still feels like everything she says is a veiled criticism. Hate that I'm stuck on when she said offhand "the assignment was very late" when I literally have emails that show it was not. Hate being told that if I don't start using AI there will be consequences and that not using it makes my work look unprofessional and will make me fall behind in my career. Hate that I was up until 2:00 AM last night able to sleep because I couldn't format a word document correctly and it made my work look sloppy. Hate that I've been doing this job for seven and a half years and this year it feels like maybe everybody was just lying when they said I was good at it. Hate that everything is now about internal optics. Hate that my manager says all the time that nothing will come of any of our work and it's pointless but in the same breath basically says a typo or running out of water bottles at a meeting is career suicide and the worst thing that can happen to us. Hate that everything I feel good about my manager thinks turned out terribly. I feel fucking insane. I feel like everyone is suddenly opperating from a different set of rules that I don't know, and that my manager who is younger than me, has been in this position for less than a year, and was at my level before that, can make me feel like a lazy and stupid child, even when she is never unkind or mean. And how am I even supposed to apply for other jobs if actually it turns out nobody has trusted me to do the kind of work that I'm supposed to be doing at my level? I can't even format a fucking briefing note right because mainstream technology is getting more and more inaccessible and people care less and less about accessibility. Most of all I hate that I know from the outside this all is the most petty stupid office job bullshit and it absolutely does not matter in the real world and yet even when I try to distract myself I just have a non-descript pit in my stomach that I wouldn't even know how to address.

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/stares into the void The Chissezra au is so close to being done. I'm just at the cleanup and editing stage. I'm so fucking close. PS is my accountability buddy and I said I'd have it done by the end of the calendar year but listen. I could have it ready to go to a beta by the end of this month if I get my shit together and focus. It's possible.

[thought-42]

Watching Aabria on Pixel Circus is great because you get to see the hyper-specific character types she tends to gravitate towards playing. You know. Living ship animated by the power of a crew member paying attention to it, or 150-year-old nerd elf

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Staring at numbers on a webpage while my anxiety levels go higher and higher, having a very cool and normal evening over here

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Work friends are great because you see each other every day and get along so well and have a million inside jokes and do things outside of work together all the time and then they get moved to another office and you never see them again. Maybe you see them once a year for drinks. Maybe you reach out over and over but they’re always busy or sick or just don’t respond or just straight up forget about the plans you made, and then you start wondering if it’s something wrong with you, if there is some fundamental element of friendship you are just fucking missing, because when this has happened three fucking times the shared factor becomes pretty unignorable. And then you spiral into panic because it’s summer for a few precious months and you have like, ONE friend in the same city as you who you could maybe go do things with, and probably you are going to die lonely and alone and having wasted your life etc. etc. etc. Anyway this is not like a ‘feel sorry for me’ thing; I am fine and fully aware this is irrational, sometimes it just helps to write things down so they leave my head

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There is a technology glitch that I have been trying to resolve for almost a goddamn year and every few weeks I decide today is gonna be the day I solve it, and it never is. It’s not even that important! There is just! No reason it should be happening! I have talked to all three manufacturers involved and received, respectively ‘idk what you’re talking about but surely the problem cannot be with our product, please rate our customer service!’, ‘I cannot recreate this bug and I don’t know what to tell you but if you want to demonstrate it over the phone I can....... hear you demonstrate it over the phone, will moral support help?’, and ‘we have no fucking clue why this is happening and we suspect the problem is you but also we will look into it and get back to you if we ever find anything’. Anyway all this to say if you ever want a simultaneously facinating and deeply boring read, generate a bug report on your phone and go through the 45 MB text document line by line.

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Really shouldn’t even surprise me that in this, the year of our lord 2023, tumblr . com is one of the most accessible sites I use regularly.

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Tonight I kayaked down the river and I need you all to know that we got to the launch point in a school bus named Matilda, who the driver introduced to us very seriously and provided a three minute backstory for.