Good news! I got into the machine learning program at my job! It’s a 6 month program where I will be paired with a mentor learning, through some projects with mandatory deadlines, some of the fundamentals of ML: numpy, pandas, visualizations, stats, regression models, deep learning, etc. My manager is so supportive; although this will be time demanding, he said he’s for me doing it because I am interested in it, but warns that it may distract when I am in my internship, as I only have 4 more months with him. He wants to ensure that I am not too overloaded. I hope the same, especially since I am a scrub right now, but I fear not being more available to take this program in the future. When I am a full time engineer at my company, I doubt highly that they will allow me to balance this with their roadmaps. I feel like if things get too tough, I’ll just exit the program and put more focus on my internship. I do not want to take too much on but I also do not want to miss out on such an awesome opportunity. I feel like anytime there is on the job training that is being offered that will set me apart from my colleagues that I am genuinely trying to learn, I have to take it...What would you all do? Let me know.
Now for the not so good news. Returning to my old tech company has been a great decision for me. I have had a lot of rough times and have seem some relationships go south with a few people, but they were not enough to distract me from this goal. My dreams and passion are bigger than whatever weird air may be between us. I do not have time to worry about how they are dealing with it because they were reckless with their words and actions and with me and my time. One of my colleagues, knowing this, recommended that I not come back. I did not listen to that. I am used to standing strong in the face of whoever did me wrong with a smile. God is all the protection I need and I know that I am never tackling situations alone.
One woman in particular has been quite a problem. Our history has not been so great. From the moment I met her, I could tell something was off and that she would not be someone who I would call a close friend. I should listen to my intuition a bit more, because I was right. Throughout our “friendship” she showed me so many reasons why she was not deserving of my friendship, but I kept giving her chances to redeem herself because I do so with everyone. I give people a FEW times to get it wrong. Recently, I have been less likely to do this, because more and more people I encounter just do not have enough respect for themselves and thus treat me and others unreasonably. This woman in particular would make comments like, “Why didn’t you invite me? Did you not want the competition?,” “The membership is expensive. You wouldn’t pay for it,” “I look up to her because she’s married to a white man,” “Black culture is ghetto.”, “Let’s meet up to study. I won’t study, but it will hold you accountable,” ”You’re going to make more than me.” It’s crazy, I sometimes feel like I don’t remember well when it comes to work things, but I remember quotes and situations like these soooo vividly. I also remember things that happened when I was 3...but that’s for another story/time :) Anyway, I have been slowly trying to distance myself from her in hopes that she would get the memo. One day, I had to assert myself. She wanted me to apologize for a colloquialism I made. She always complained that I was a slow responder to texts or sometimes never responded at all. So, when she did respond to a text of mine for months, I jokingly said, “Oh great, you’re not dead!” when she finally did respond. I didn’t really care that she had not responded in a while, I just wanted to give her that same medicine that she gave me, and I was trying a friendship with her to give her chance and look past her flaws and thought she would appreciate the joke. She didn’t and decided to book a conference room to discuss this with me. Took me outside of my focus and demanded that I apologize in order for us to maintain a friendship. I told her that was not a threat as I did not care to continue the friendship. She had a shocked face and my empathy/sympathy/EQ made me feel instantly bad about it. But I left and was trying to be more firm with people. I was so tired of being the nice one that constantly gets ran over and putting other people’s emotional health before mine. She called me back to the room, and very weirdly, wished me good luck in my bootcamp with a smile that seemed genuine. I caved in and thought back to my dad’s advice when I have been in similar situations with other people, “Maybe she just wants to be your friend. Give her another chance.” Eventually I apologized with this in mind, and tried to be friendlier. I ended it with, “Yup. Maybe you’ll be around to help me out.” She sighed and said, “Hopefully...” At that point, I thought, “Did she just fake her genuineness?! Is she playing some mind trick BS.” I never spoke to her again but finally she reached out to grab dinner. We chatted, she was awkward and said some things that I did not appreciate but tried not to be sensitive to them and chalk them up to, “Man, this girl really is trying to son me...” We would talk on and off briefly throughout my time in camp. NONE of the Black female engineers would text or call to check in to see how I am doing or told me about the widely publicized apprenticeship program. I reached out to one, but she was the slowest to respond out of everyone I asked and never responded to my second request to chat. Some people just do not have the time. I get it...
Anyway, I told the woman I have talking about that I was coming back to the company when I got an offer in attempts to lessen the awkwardness. She never responded. Instead of congratulating me back genuinely, or better, saying nothing at all, when someone shouted me out in a channel we both were in at work, she said, “OMG YOU GOT IN?!” I didn’t comment on this sour ass comment. As I was saying, some people’s self-esteem is so low or their doubt of your capabilities is so high, that they will be obvious and disrespect themselves. She aint affecting me though. Say those words girl. It only makes you look salty, and that don’t look good on ANYONE...
From a few encounters we had upon my return to the office, I started to ignore her. I made the decision that I was not going to continue this “friendship” that she kept abusing me and my time in. I knew she wasn’t real. Anytime a friend makes you question their genuineness and loyalty, it ain’t a friend sis! It took her no time to notice this though, and her reaction was to be obnoxious and demand attention. She once left a note at my desk, never has before, and without welcome, that said, “The hardest part is showing up! Keep going.” I was never struggling, nor did I give her the feeling that I was having hard days. My days had been the sweetest I had had at my company in all my close to 3 years there. It was her way of “son-ing” me again...She had a surprise party that I did not go to and she thought it’d be a good idea to ask me, in front of my mentor, why I did not show up. Classless. Tasteless. Not to mention, embarrassing for her. You not embarrassing me boo. I hugged her to shut her up. She looked like she needed a hug. Anyone who does things like this probably needs a bit more love in their life...Her demeanor was not joking either. She was loud and confrontational.
We were both in the same work meeting for the first time, and I had to introduce myself, and I am a crowd charmer, got damnit! At least I try to be! Right at that time, she walked in with a frown. In this same meeting, she rooted like a dog for a friend. It was quiet and she was the only one, and I got the thought, “Does she do this all the time and feels ostracized because people are uncomfortable with her being her, or is she doing this to assert dominance?”
She came to my desk unannounced and unwelcomed, again with, “I heard you looked great the other day. Do you have pictures? OOOH a skirt today! Stand up!” I showed body language, again, that I was uncomfortable and dismissive. She said, “What, am I cringeworthy?” I said yes. She started slandering white women and I don’t like any hate talk in the office. Do not associate me with that. Especially when my white female teammate who I have loved getting to know who sits right across from me, is right there. I wonder if she knows she’s embarrassing herself? I was raised on keeping the right folks around you. Sometimes, I befriend the outsiders, or the ones no one wants to befriend, but some of em are friendless for a reason I should be more aware of...
She continued on. She began to get confrontational and here I was again, trapped in her drama, thinking she had turned over a new leaf and wouldn’t be embarrassing herself at work. I looked at her with a serious face I got when my dad tried to keep me in line as a child and told her, “This is not the time.” I turned my back, obviously showing her, “LEAVE.” Some people love drama, and she seems to be one, because she challenged me with, “So are you going to add some time to our calendar to talk about this.” I said, “No.” She lingered. Eventually she left. Trying to make it seem to the onlookers near by in the open floor plan of about 150 people, I said, “Bye [her name].” My manager asked her, who’s friendly with her, if she was interrupting us. Her response, “Sorry for interrupting [my desk partner].” After she left, I thought hard about it, but said, “She’s showed me that she does not care about having open confrontations in front of random people at work. I have to tell my manager.” Before, whenever she would try to have confrontations with me in the office, they would be amongst people we knew as friends outside of work. I told my manager, “Hey, just letting you know. She makes me uncomfortable and is trying to use work time to settle disagreements that do not pertain to work.” Being the awesome manager he is, his response was, “So that I understand you correctly, you are telling me to make me aware so that I can nudge her away and if you need escalation?”. My response? “Indeed. Thank you.”
This was the final straw. She had made the office, yet again, a hostile work environment. Only this time, I made the decision not to give her another chance again. NO COMMUNICATION WITH HER AGAIN. Sadly, I did not get that opportunity. I was forced to speak with her at a friend’s happy hour. She was outside the bar and yelled at me down the street when she saw me, “HI, [MY NAME]! YOU’RE HERE TOO?! I WAS GOING TO INVITE YOU.” Trying to son me again, as if I NEED her invite. And just lying. I was with another coworker, and kept it short, “[coworker I came with], [this woman], [this woman], [coworker I came with].” She tried to make it a real conversation, but I had had my back turned and continued walking in the bar.
In the bar, she comes over to our speaking circle. There are plenty going on. Why she had to squeeze her ass into this one? She didn’t say anything though. I find an exit out of it and just feel her eyes on me the whole night. Finally, after I had been there for sometime, I did not even get the mental space to say bye to who I came with and the person who threw the HH. All I knew was get me out of here before she traps me in another conversation where I am forced to ignite fight or flight senses or quiet her loud/embarrassing ass down. So, I left. As I was leaving, she SCREAMS from the group she was in, “Oh wow! You spent all this time here and did not speak to me!? How dare you!?”, I stop for a brief minute to say bye to some colleagues from my old team. Soon, I see her rushing over and say bye to the colleagues to escape. Just then, I turn right into her. Now, she is inches away from my face, looking down on me, huge, 6 feet tall (literally). She has a frown. For a second I thought, “Wow, she’s really trying to take it there.” She said, “I have done nothing to you for you to ignore me like that.” I was so conflicted because I was trying to be better to her than she was to herself. I wanted to say, “You are embarrassing yourself in front of OUR colleagues.” The colleagues from my old team who I just said bye to are now looking concerned, but my back is to them and I can see their concerned faces out of my peripheral. We are the only 2 Black women in this bar there is what seems to be a confrontation, but they are not sure if we are joking or not. I am sure they are confused because no one would be willing to start a confrontation with their colleague right? We are all adults. We all know to walk away and handle things differently, right? Not her. I am trying to get around her and she is stepping back and forth like a defender on a football team. My thoughts at that moment, “Am I going to have to protect myself against this solid 6-foot woman in front of my colleagues? Is she serious? Is she on drugs.” Her screams as I was leaving sounded like when a woman on TV enraged at an ex and about to key his car or something...Her passion seemed directed towards someone who REALLY did her wrong. Her behavior was not because she was hurt that I had exited the relationship, it is because I had finally put my foot down, decided to stand up for myself and exit on my own terms after failing to a few times in the past.
After an anxiety-filled night, on the same day I went to the doctor’s to check out what felt like a brain zap while I was climbing with the white female coworker mentioned above the night before that made me fear developing brain or back issues, I was almost shaking. I went through horrible stress and just ate unintentionally when I got home to come down from all those calories burnt as my brain is trying to deal with all the physical and emotional distress.
My dad was not pleased at this and told me to be upfront with her and send her a message. I did not want to take it there, again, preserving her feelings and assuming she was raised right enough to know that you do not make reckless decision like this ESPECIALLY at work. This is not the streets...Have some respect, AT LEAST for yourself...I spent about an hour writing up an email.
She has been the topic of discussion and focus of this post and taking up mental space in my mind for far too long. I try to address everything I go through in life, because nothing happens without a reason. I always try to figure out what that reason is, with the understanding that that task may be too grand for me, and not meant for me to do. Reasons also often do not expose themselves for days, months, decades! What I did learn was to not wait to tell people VERBALLY that I do not like their behavior. Some people know you don’t like it, but until you say something will keep going. Even if you say something, like I did, if it isn’t a FIRM “NO! STOP!,” they’ll keep trying. But then again, I was giving her the benefit of the doubt and did not want to take it there. I thought, she’s grown. She won’t embarrass herself. In work harassment training, they tell you, one of the 1st things you should do is tell that person to stop.” I thought I made it clear that it was not welcomed, but if it is not recorded, it don’t matter. That goes with everything. Verbal contracts, although sometimes legally binding, often don’t mean anything. GET IT IN WRITING WHERE IT MATTERS! Not on an anonymous blog like this, put it where they will get the message FORREAL to stop, or they will lose their livelihoods.
This also taught me to leave people the heck alone. I remember when I first started on my first tenure at the company, the guy that was to teach me NEVER greeted me, despite me sitting right next to him. Sometimes I would greet him and he would not respond, even fakely. It took him 6 months to give a genuine response back. Everyday I would try to engage him in convo. All the men around me treated me the same. I would try to make them laugh or engage them in convo briefly at work, and they just would not budge. It took them a while to love me lol. I understand this is different from harassment, but maybe in that instance, I should have not even worried about it. I do not regret saying hello to them despite not being spoken to, or being vulnerable enough to try to start a convo with people who were uncomfortable with working with a Black person on their team for the first time, because I was being led by my morals and values: greet your team. Bond with your team. I don’t work with that girl at work though. Our assignments have never included one another, and she was obviously trying to intimidate and settle disputes. This is not the same.
Some people never leave high school. Do not be like these people. Focus on yourself and your values, respect yourself, respect others. It should be easy...and I pray you have the courage to tell your harasser to stop. You deserve a safe place to think and work. One love, y’all.
