Sometimes our journey takes us places we would rather not go. Two and a half years ago I made a decision to give my school back to my exhusband in our divorce. Although I knew he did not have the business skills to run it on his own, my hope was that he would learn and through the help of the Black Belts he would be able to keep it afloat. Martial arts is his life’s passion and I couldn’t bear to take it away from him, so I thought it was the right thing to do.
I decided to go back to graduate school to pursue my MBA degree. I have nearly completed it, but the demands of a full time job, evening school, and a teenager at home have left me little time to train. Although I have definitely benefitted mentally and emotionally from the change, physically and spiritually I have missed my martial arts study. I have gained nearly 40 lbs and feel like I’ve aged 10 years.
Sadly, my school has closed, possibly for good, so going back there is not an option for me. I know that I should seek out another place to train, but it is so heart-wrenching for me to even walk into a dojo I’m not sure where to go to find my new family. I want to convey my sincere apologies to all of my former students, and to encourage them to continue their training in whatever capacity they are able to. As for me, for the next four months, I will dedicate myself to MAKING time to exercise. Progress in the physical realm. I find time to meditate daily (spiritual realm) so there is no reason I can’t squeeze out 30 minutes a day to move my body. I’ve missed it so much.
Being this heavy has led me to a deeper understanding of how difficult it is to find motivation. All the years I was a trainer, I just didn’t get why my clients had so much trouble getting off the couch. Now I know what a vicious cycle it it. I used to have a Garfield cartoon on my refrigerator. It said: “I’m depressed. When I’m depressed, I eat. When I eat I get fat. When I’m fat I get depressed.” And so on. Moving is physically uncomfortable. Sitting is uncomfortable, because I am forever conscious of the fat roll oozing over my waistband. My feet and knees hurt from the excess weight they have to carry. My back hurts from lack of movement. My joints feel stiff and ache. I know that the cure to all of this is getting off my ass and DOING SOMETHING. ANYTHING! But it hurts!
Well, today, I am declaring my intention to get back into my martial arts shape. Not just my body, but my warrior spirit, my determination, my will. I would never accept excuses from my students or my clients, so I will not accept them from myself. I am where I am today because of the choices that I’ve made. But I can always make better choices. This starts now!