Sorry if this is too personal, but i was curious about your perspective on this.
So, I'm aroace, and I've known this since I was a teenager. Didn't take me much thinking to figure it out, and I happily went through all of my K‐12 education (and prom) with no partners or dates, and I honestly feel pretty accomplished by that. The "crushes" I've had on my friends in the past I basically chalk it up to "I felt incredibly close to this specific person at these times and just really enjoyed their company/presence more than usual" rather than "I want to date that person" since I know I can't reciprocate the typical romance stuff anyway.
I have a partner, who said she had a crush on me after a year or so of us being friends. The things I was feeling for her wad along the lines of what I described previously, because she was exactly the friend I needed at a time when I felt really out of place and alone even among all the friends that I had. It lined up with that, so I figured I probably wouldn't get this chance again, and I decided "what the hell, let's see where this goes. I care a lot about her anyway."
She moved in with me from another state like 5 months later because her mom is really annoying and overbearing, but I was still living with my parents at the time. I did NOT expect them to say yes to her moving in with me so quickly. Like, genuinely no pushback at all, I asked and they both said "sure." And it happened, and she's basically become a second daughter to them at this point (I already have an older sister too). She's also met a bunch of my friends, and has formed her own personal connections with a few of them, which I'm happy for because I don't want us to always be a package deal since that would be pretty annoying and also still having individuality is really nice.
However, I notice that it feels really...weird to label us as partners or girlfriend/boyfriend. She already knew I was aroace going into this, and I helped her discover that she's ace as well so luckily sex was never going to be an issue between us (which I was incredibly grateful for I really did not want to try and deal with that), but we don't really know what to label ourselves as. She's fine with just calling me her boyfriend, but it makes me feel ill when I'm called that, or calling her my partner or girlfriend, or when literally anyone states this fact, because it genuinely does not feel like that at all to me. It just feels like I'm living with a close friend, but everyone keeps perceiving this wrong, but I don't even know what the "right" label is. Probably queerplatonic, but how the hell am I supposed to explain that to most people?? Her mom got pissy that I couldn't "treat her right" as a man and give her love or whatever, but she mainly just hates me because I'm the transgender that turned her daughter "woke" after she moved to California. We were both disgusted by some of the words that she used to describe what I'm apparently "supposed to do" as a "boyfriend."
My mom knows I'm aroace, but I don't know if she still thinks that I am only because of my partner having lived with me for the past 2 and a half years, and I just haven't felt like bringing it up to her. Most of my American family has met my partner, and I have not come out to the rest of them as aroace because again, I just do not want to have that conversation nor do I think it's necessary because they were never hard on my ass about getting married or anything. My sister is the worst about it though because I'll just do something normal like hug my partner, mimic a cat noise at her, or gently but stupidly grab her by the head (something dumb and playful to be funny), and my sister will say stuff like "aww" or "that's so cute" or my favorite line (sarcasm) "couples, am I right?" in this specific Tone and I know she's not trying to be weird or mean about it, if anything she's trying to be supportive and nice, but it makes me wanna vomit everytime she does. Like no what I am doing does not have the meaning you think it does I am being a normal person. She's also autistic so I also know she can't entirely understand why I hate this specific tone she does.
Most of my friends know from when I came out to them in the past, but I'm pretty sure most of the ones who aren't on the aro and/or ace spectrums themselves really think that I am anymore. I don't bring it up to anyone who I don't already know are under the aro and/or ace spectrums, because I don't like having to try and explain it over and over again, especially when I myself don't even know the answers sometimes. So by default, everyone keeps on saying the same stuff to me about "being in love" and "having a girlfriend" that ultimately make me feel disgusted because I do NOT want to involve myself in romantic situations. Ever. It grosses me out. I am not supposed to be in these situations that's for Everyone Else That Is Not Me and Fictional Characters.
The actual question:
I guess what I'm trying to say is, most people don't understand queerplatonic, so you and your spouse often get labeled under romance by default. That's obviously wrong, but how does that feel? Like, how do you deal with people constantly labeling you as in a romantic relationship without it just feeling wrong? Or have you gotten to the point where you just don't care or bother to correct people because that's way more work than it's worth?
fdjgkfdl First off, I'm so sorry, this was obviously a very personal thing to share and a fairly pressing question and here I go responding super late to this ask...
Second, though: OOF I feel you on that one for sure. On so many levels. My partner is OK using wording like "dating" to define our QPR, which I'm not. That being said, they're typically respectful of what I am and am not comfortable with, and has been using the word "roommates" to talk about us a lot lately, which even though even this word has now been meme-bastardized to be romantic-coded, it's very true to our situation at this point, it was our goal, and I'm definitely much more comfortable with that. That, and the word "partner" which is open enough to be OK by my book. And "spouse" at this point at times because... Yeah, legal terms, but that's not my go-to word for sure.
I'm very fortunate that my own family seems understanding of the nature of our relationship – or, if they don't understand, they don't pry. I live away from them at this point too since I had to move overseas to live with my partner, and while I miss them deeply and don't think there would be such a risk at all, it pretty much negates any shadow of a risk that we'd get mislabeled by then. But yeah, I do trust my family no matter what on this topic anyway.
Friends and people who we only meet briefly are another story. People who don't know us immediately assume we're gay, and it's whatever, I guess. As long as we can keep the interaction short, that's OK by me – though it does get hard here in the US where chitchat with random strangers is A LOT more prevalent than where I come from. But yeah, like you said, it doesn't feel comfortable. It's hard to avoid, it's not comfortable nonetheless, but a lot of the time if the conversation isn't too long, I sorta brush it off. Friends that we'll see again are another story. My closest friend understand for sure, or at the very least are respectful about it, similarly to my family. Some friends of my spouse have let out the occasional thing that I felt the need to correct, in which case I always do. Two examples I can think of off the top of my head are:
(After seeing us be affectionate to each other) "Gayyyy!" "Actually we're asexual." (They moved on to saying "Ayyyyce" since, which is pretty funny.)
"It's basically like a mail-in wife except you're actually in love." "Well, actually, we're not IN love. It's a queer platonic relationship. We do love each other but yeah."
Thankfully we're typically met with understanding. Honestly I'm lucky but I've never really seen anyone I've had to interact to on a regular basis who's been stubbornly defiant about it after I rebuked something. Basically I nip it in the bud as early as I can when I can and it typically helps. But I can only afford to do that because I've always been vocal about being aroace. I don't know if it's something you can make clear without coming out. I'm guessing coming out helps in such a case, but you don't necessarily NEED it. You don't owe anyone an explanation on whatever makes you comfortable or not when it comes to YOUR relationships with others and how they're defined. Most people don't know how to mind their own business is all. But you're completely within your rights to at least object that you don't like being talked about with your partner in that lovy-dovy way, that it's just not "you". No further explanation needed, really. Of course, I can't guarantee that would change anything in the behavior of others, sadly. But I feel at the very least it's something you have the right to raise.
Don't know if that helps. Ultimately, the most I can say is that I definitely relate, and share how it's been going down for me in hopes that it can bring some elements of an answer. But either way, I do get your uncomfortable feeling and I really hope you'll be OK. I'm sure what you guys have is beautiful and makes you both happy, and it'd be a shame to let external forces ruin it. If anything at all, always remember that as long as YOU know, as long as YOU get it, that's what's most important. Also, if you haven't done so already, I'd encourage you to talk that out with your partner too, to make sure she hears you, has got your back on this, and can navigate all of that normative pushback together with you to the best of both of your ability, I think that's only fair. But yeah, I sincerely wish you the best of luck with the rest.
