No one can know I don't like...

AKHTS or AKHTSJrep. French, 30s, aro/ace, a huge mess. She/They. Queerplatonically married to @civiart. Originally made this blog to talk about Bob's Burgers and now anything goes ig. Discord: @AkhtsJrep. BUY MY COMIC   ETSY   TWITTER   INSTAGRAM   WEBTOON

[bloggingboutburgers]

Updating my pinned post AGAIN TwT Sorry for the spam!

Anyway here's the obligatory directory of where to buy a print version of my aroace comics:

Hardcover

Paperback

(or e-book if you prefer)

~~~

Also here's where to find my partner and I's online shop on socials (@burgerinthestars here too!), and here's where to find more of me in particular.

[bloggingboutburgers]

absolutely crazy the amount of aphobia your posts attract

almost as crazy as how well you handle it

It's great seeing someone point in f this stuff out directly to the faces of aphobes, keep up the great work

...Not gonna lie considering the sheer amount of times I've written about being aroace, I'd expect MORE aphobia, usually 😂 But yeah, I guess people's open-mindedness and acceptance of us as we are can only get to a certain point before we become inconvenient.

Also, thank you very much for the kind words TwT Although, to be honest, I'm far from being the only one pointing this stuff out? I feel like so many of us have already, as calmly and patiently as we can, been trying to articulate it under every possible angle so people would GET IT, and they stubbornly don't. I guess the incompatibility is THAT severe.

(And then we get surprised pikachu face reactions when some of us inevitably get angry about it after a point. Man, like we don't get pushed CONSTANTLY. And the "not to be rude"s that are just there to put a nice neat bow over more dismissal. And the "you have to understand us" that we respond to in earnest and make as much of an effort as possible, but that NEVER goes the other way around. And I could go on. Anyway.)

It's such an uphill battle that it couldn't possibly be anything else than a group effort. I just know, like a lot of us, how hard it is not to lose hope and patience in the face of the sheer absence of good will, so hopefully when I respond as earnestly and logically as I can, even if it won't get shit through aphobes' skulls, it'll at least be a reminder to people like me that they are valid, which they'll pay forward. I know that it's been paid forward to me many times.

[bloggingboutburgers]

How much do you wanna bet that one person in your notes thinks racism in fandom “isn’t a big deal” because “it’s just fiction” and “let people have fun guys”, because in my experience, it never stops at JUST Aphobia.

That's just the thing though – I don't think they do. I think they think different rules apply to us. But you're right that it IS the start of the slippery slope.

The "It's just fiction it doesn't hurt anyone" reasoning doesn't work for racist stereotyping. It doesn't work for misogynistic stereotyping. It doesn't work for xenophobia. It doesn't work for demonizing mental illness. It doesn't work for queer stereoypes or erasure. And systematically acting like the parts of people on the asexual and aromantic spectrums that make them different from everyone else and excluded as a result simply do not exist or can be ignored/symbolically fixed IS erasure.

Anyone who has to face shit because of THE WAY THEY WERE BORN can be hurt by fiction invalidating their existence. It wouldn't be argued for other orientations and it shouldn't be argued for ours. There are no exceptions. And sure, there'll be bad actors who'll use that reasoning to perpetrate MORE stereotypes or try to defend genuinely harmful behaviors, but that doesn't mean our wellbeing should be thrown under the bus for the sake of convenience – or indeed even the sake of "this activates the happy neurons in my brain so I can just casually ignore any harm it can cause to a whole minority group and act like it never exists", which, granted, mankind as a whole is super-guilty of all the time, I don't think any of us is exempt from that honestly. Buuuut yeah. Idk if I'm part of the group that IS affected I sure as hell am not gonna shut up about it and be convenient, I don't think that's how it works, or how it oughta work

Anyway. I should also preface that like with exploring queer identities, or themes such as mental illness, there IS a difference between demonizing something, stereotyping something, erasing something, and exploring it with respect and nuance while DOING PROPER RESEARCH and BEING SYMPATHETIC TO WHICHEVER GROUP YOU'RE WRITING ABOUT (I think both of those go pretty much hand in hand). I don't think any of us is arguing that. But just like any endeavour for inclusion and representation, that requires work, the kind of work that it seems not many people are willing to put in. And yet, when they do, entertainment as a whole can make big strides and lead with hope for improvement for the future even if things aren't perfect as they are by a mile. We've seen it before so many times with so many minority identities and legit I don't see why aspecs should be an exception by any logic.

PS: Also real talk real talk real talk at the very least in our case you have SO MANY OTHER OPPORTUNITIES to activate the happy neurons in your brain without having to go after the likes of us seriouslyyyyy

[bloggingboutburgers]

Is called blogging about burgers

I don't see a single burger-related recent post

Fucking fraud /silly

No you're RIGHT and I should really fix that soon tho /silly also

[bloggingboutburgers]

Seeing what happened in that conversation, it comes once again to my attention how a lot of allos seem to mostly always see the a-spectrum as one or various related stereotypes. (Be it that all of them can still do rose things, not do any of it, that they like it, or that they dislike it)

But what they seem to not notice or plainly ignore is that there are so many variations to being a-spec that not all fit those stereotypes. And that two people in the spectrum can be widely different in how the see/interact with rose things.

But in the end they aren't the one who is a-spec, so don't expect that what they say about us is correct. So don't let it discourage you!

And while some things may be hard for us because of amatonormativity, together we can make more of an impact! (and art/fics)

(That conversation for context since I'm responding to this late, sorry TwT)

Pretty much. Thanks. It IS encouraging that more and more a-spec people are showing up and speaking up, and more allies are also appearing to help improve how our orientations are treated as a whole.

It IS also discouraging though that for every step in the right direction, it seems the majority of people are just adamant on taking the parts of us that are convenient to them, on still turning a blind eye on what might be touching onto allo fragility or whatever, and on thinking that it's OK to tell US how WE're supposed to feel when they probably couldn't handle spending like, a couple days in our shoes (and that's being generous) if that showed them the scope of the bullshit we face over a lifetime.

Comes with the territory of being a misunderstood minority I guess. Thankfully things ARE improving for sure. But yeah it still gets tiring sometimes how much pushback and misinterpretation and allonormative bargaining (or downright refusal to acknowledge us for who we are in our diversity) there still is. As it goes tho.

[bloggingboutburgers]

Hey, I have a lot of respect for you and I really have to appreciate the way you stand your ground. Your blogs makes me feel so much less alone and I think that's wonderful. Take care

bhyujkh Sorry I'm replying to this one so late, pretty sure it referred to those reblogs on one of my previous comics, but ye... Thank you. Messages like this also make me feel less alone, and it helps more than you know. Take care as well, and stay safe!

[bloggingboutburgers]

If you let the way that other people online make *fanworks* about *fictional characters* influence your self perception that strongly, then maybe the internet is not the place for you. Like genuinley. If the only way you can be safe on the internet is to police other people's content then you should not be here.

I'm not policing shit though?

I'm saying "leave SOME room for a queer orientation that's already invisibilized in real life". I feel like that can coexist. I feel like there's a difference.

But yeah, acting like offline is any more welcoming to us than online is naive reasoning. Or turning one's gaze away from our erasure across the board 'cus it's convenient that way.

The large, large majority of people's dismissal of us is ruinous for our self-perception ONline AND OFFline, so there's literally nowhere for us to be. And idk. Having a little bit more diversity on top of the existing diversity shouldn't be that hard.

(PS: Also lowkey why is queer representation in fiction so important and life-changing and key for advocacy and self-esteem for everyone but apparently us?? Like, why does this reasoning conveniently suddenly stop existing for our orientations??)

[thelibraryismytardis]

Woohoo! Was finally able to pick up my pride month mail from my parents' house! 😄

In order (left to right, top to bottom):

- Star Trek stickers from Will Burrows Art 🤩

-pride stickers and pretty prints from @bloggingboutburgers 😄

- Dusty Gannon & the Agonal Gasps patch 🦇

- patches from @prideknights 🏳️‍🌈

- Quester's Crossbody bag from Crescent Moon Alchemy Co. 💙

So happy! 😄😄😄

[burgerinthestars]

Rocky shaker is back in stock!

Also taking this chance to announce that we'll be in the EU for 2 weeks starting on Aug. 15th for private reasons. If you're in the EU and want to order something from us without having to pay outrageous shipping, feel free to place an order before Aug. 14th and we'll send you a refund for the shipping difference, and send your order from where we'll be!

[bloggingboutburgers]

Have you watched The Summer Hikaru Died? It's on Netflix and "Hikaru" is sooo aroace-coded 🙈

Not me being extremely late at replying to asks and jumping to this one quickly anyway because I love The Summer Hikaru Died

Welp... "Hikaru" is an eldritch abomination kind of being, so I guess it would kinda come with the territory? Like aliens and robots and whatnot.

I dunno. To me I don't necessarily "see it" as much 'cus I doubt that's the intent, and even if it can definitely be argued that it doesn't need to be, whenever the character isn't human I do have this "ehhhh" note in my mind. Since us being defined as "not human" in common aphobia wording because we don't feel romantic or sexual attraction is such a common thing.

But ye I dunno. I really don't mean to be a killjoy though TwT The Summer Hikaru Died is SUPER enjoyable, as an aroace and otherwise tbh. It's so bingeable, the themes are so nice and the dynamics between the two main characters so complex and lowkey fucked up in the absolute best ways, the romantic and sexual projection is there and I love how the story doesn't shy away from how uncomfortable it is, the directing, light and sound design are absolutely pristine and I've found myself praising them out loud several times while watching, and as an unapologetically city person I adore the concept of "tiny countryside village" as a setting for horror, because to me it's much less cosy than it is oppressive and feels a bit like a prison – especially as a young person and a queer person, which I feel this story also portrayed beautifully.

So yeah it's still a banger and I should also read the manga atp Jesus I'm bad at following through with manga

[bloggingboutburgers]

I often think about the similarities between being aroace and not liking alcohol. Sex, romance and drinking are all considered huge aspects of adult life that everyone just does. Quite a few times when I've said I don't like the taste of alcohol I've been told stuff along the lines of "but have you tried ..." or even one time "we need to get you down to a pub to find something you like". Even one time when I mentioned I also didn't want to mix it with my ADHD medication someone was like "oh you should try this alcohol alternative that basically gets you drunk but without any hangover! It might even help your ADHD!" They never considered the prospect that I might just be fine with not getting drunk.

Honestly I took realising I was aroace better than realising I didn't like alcohol. With the aroace thing I was like "yeah that makes sense", with the alcohol thing I was like "shit am I ever going to be a proper adult???" Perhaps it's just because the alcohol thing came second, and the combo made me realise I was doomed to be the World's Most Boring Person in a lot of people's eyes.

hgfdujkgdfngjfkd Now's the shameful moment where I admit I actually do partake in alcohol quite a bit... (Is it 'cus I'm French? Hell if I know atp.) (...Also ironically my spouse's social circles, which are pretty much the only social circles I have access to right now since I moved from a whole other continent and haven't made local friends yet, basically DO NOT drink alcohol and I get looked at as the weird one when I do. Oh how the turns have tabled.)

But yeah. There's definitely a fair amount of gap there. From "OK but why do you assume everyone needs this as much as you seem to need it real talk" to being seen as The Boring One ot being seen as The Childish One. Because sure, being down for bitter tea or god forbid WATER means you're sooo childish, right- yeah tl;dr I can see it.

(Of course there's the elephant in the room that between being addicted to romance or sex is gonna be in the large majority of cases less harmful for your physical health than being addicted to alcohol though. Mental health-wise... I dunno. It's more of a grey area.)

[bloggingboutburgers]

Thank you for your comic! i read through all of it today on webtoon.

warning for arophobia, and insecurities surrounding being aromantic

Recently one of my girlfriends (im polyamorous) broke up with me because they were no longer comfortable dating an aromantic person (context: we starting dating before i knew i was aromantic, and when i found out i told them immediately and made it clear i would understand if that was something they weren't comfortable with, and they assured me it was okay, this was a little less than a year ago. later we changed our relationship to a qpr) and it was really disheartening when they suddenly (for me at least) decided that they didn't want to date someone who couldn't love them romantically, the same way they loved me... and because at that point our relationship was a qpr and they knew about my aromanticism, it really hurt. And it made me question my desire to be in a queerplatonic and/or alterous relationship, because i always kinda felt like i was making them "settle" for someone who couldn't love them romantically and the whole break-up kinda confirmed that i "wasn't good enough" and that it was "selfish" of me to want a relationship like that. especially after they had originally assured me it wasn't a problem. (they weren't in the wrong for not being comfortable, i dont blame them... it just hurt that it ended that way despite those assurances and uncovered some old insecurities)

but after reading through your comic im feeling better about it, and its kinda shut down my worries about qprs. I no longer feel as broken or alienated, and im slowly building back up my confidence in being aromantic. You and your spouse are such an example to me, and im really truly grateful that you shared your story.

(wow im sorry that was really long and kinda depressing, i just wanted you to know that your comic had a really postive impact on my life as an oriented aroace person.)

I'm so sorry for the late reply!! Thank you so much for the kind words though, and for the positive message in the end. I can only imagine how hard it must have been, especially since it seems they reassured you multiple times that things were OK with you being how you are only to eventually pretty much pull the rug from under you... I'm sure they did their best on their end, I'm sure you both did. It's just very unfortunate that it had to end up this way, with that kind of turn of events. And I'm very sorry it did.

I'm glad if I could provide some hope, though! I got really lucky on my end. My specific flavor of aroaceness is such that I could probably have stayed on my own forever and been fine with it, but it also feels lonely being everyone's afterthought forever, so... Yeah. Gonna take bonuses where I can get them I guess. I don't want to be my spouse's "favorite" person or anything, I just want them to think of me when no one else will. I don't know if that's relatable in any way. And it is probably pretty damn selfish.

But anyway... As much as my situation can very much be chalked up to luck, if it could happen to me it could happen to anyone. World be shitty for us out there, and the curveballs are always there and that hurts when they hit you when you least expect it, but there ARE people out there who will accept you and stick with you for who you are.

...I say, having no actual optimistic guarantee for the future if I think about it. But such is life I guess. Perks of being a pessimistic person I guess. Anyway.

[bloggingboutburgers]

You’ve probably answered this before, but how did you and your partners relationship thrive and stuff since you lived far away? My qpps moving far away for college and idk what to do

I'm so sorry! T^T Our own queerplatonic relationship STARTED as long distance until we were able to live together, so I guess the difference is not quite as jarring when you don't know what you miss to such a degree...

As someone who's now living far away from all of their family and friends (save for like, 2 friends, my partner included), and with my experience with my queerplatonic partner before that, I can offer the following:

-Technology is your friend, keep in contact. Don't worry too much about bothering other people ('do not disturb' can be activated for a reason) but also don't worry if you don't get answers right away, you will eventually. Keep in contact whenever you feel like it.

-Make up rituals. Plan calls on a regular basis. At least that is what we did with my partner and I, we called once a week for hours on end on Sundays. Sometimes we couldn't, and skipping once in a while is fine, as long as the overall habit is there, it can help a lot.

-Visit each other from time to time if you can, or at least plan things to look forward to. Which can be either a visit or synchronized plans remotely. What's important is that you have something you'll do together that you're looking forward to. For instance, whenever one of my visits to my partner (or vice versa) ended, we immediately were planning the next one, even if it would be like, a year later. It helped a lot personally.

-Trust that they love you. Even if you don't hear from them for a long time from time to time. I know it's not fool-proof and really you don't have any proof that a person that's far away cares about you, but if you don't offer trust on your own end you can't hope for trust back either, so I guess that starts there.

I can't say for sure if these will help you. All I can say is they've helped me, so... Yeah, I hope. I wish you guys the best and hope you'll be OK regardless.

[bloggingboutburgers]

I feel like we need to bring back, once more, the definitions of the different bits about sex/romance for some people.

Sexual/romantic orientation: Who you are/aren't attracted to (in general, usually based on gender).

Sexual/romantic attraction: Who you are/aren't attracted to, whether you are attracted to someone or not (individually). <- Not experiencing this, or only a little, is what makes you ace/aro/aroace.

Sex drive: How much you want/need sex physically (simplified definition).

Libido: How much you want/need sex psychologically (simplified definition). <- Either of these (sex drive/libido) can be high or low, regardless of orientation or individual attraction. They're also often used interchangeably.

Sex positivity: Moral/ideological stance on sex (Sex positive: Sex is a good thing, do what you want. Sex neutral: No stance. Sex negative: Sex is a bad thing and to be avoided - closely associated with purity culture). <- Note that this has nothing to do with one's own, personal relationship to sex.

I assume romance positivity/negativity exists too, but I've never seen anyone talk about it.

Sex/romance favourability: One's own relationship to/physical stance on sex (Sex/romance favourable: Likes it, may have it. Sex/romance indifferent: Doesn't really care either way; may engage with it though, for example for partner's sake. Sex/romance averse: Does not like it, will likely not engage with it. Sex/romance repulsed: Finds it gross, will avoid it.) <- These may apply differently to any one person, depending on context (look up aegosexual/-romantic, for example).

Positivity and favourability are unrelated to and independent from orientation and attraction.

All of these are normal and healthy (with the arguable exception of sex negativity, which can cause real life harm through purity culture, and sex positivity when it goes into the extreme of making sex into a mandatory thing that everyone should want) and not to be pathologised.

In fact, I personally would argue that not being able to accept that people feel differently about it than you do is something you should talk about with a therapist, but what do I know...

Just, you know... "You're equating being aro/ace to being romance/sex repulsed. Being aro/ace is normal, being romance/sex repulsed is not. Go to therapy."

That sure is a thing you can say on the internet, huh.

Sorry you had to deal with that.

Thank you very much for this. Yep. That's pretty much it.

Heck, never considered the idea that sex positivity COULD become its own bigotry if pushed to such such an extreme before this post (and I doubt most sex-positive persons WOULD turn it into that, but it's something to think about, for sure).

Thanks for the kind words as well.

[bloggingboutburgers]

yo don’t follow you but i just checked that exchange that last ask was talking about, EEEYIKES!! yeah just ignore them, they clearly have some bad opinions about what aromanticism/asexuality is (they seem to think it’s a choice?? loud incorrect buzzer) and also not understand how representation and public perception makes minority groups feel (genuinely don’t understand how that could be, unless maybe they aren’t part of ANY minority group so they can’t fan them the concept?? the idea of a straight white english-only speaking guy participating in ace discourse is too funny to me, that can’t be it right?? i digress—)

anyway tldr; they’re not worth your time, honestly. if they really can be convinced of the truth through enough sources and back-and-forth someone else can do it

Yes, yes and yes, honestly. You're right. It's the kind of perception that'd probably take years to change, and multiple people, if it changes at all.

[bloggingboutburgers]

Hey, reading the exchange on your recent comic is breaking my brain and I wanted to say all of that was crazy to say and you aren’t alone. The way aro and ace people are treated in fandoms suck and I appreciate your comics talking about it.

Thank you for this.

It does become a lot when "let people do their own thing" and "respect queer representation and what said representation does for the people that share these queer identities" seem to be able to coexist perfectly for most queer orientations and identities, but suddenly when it's aros or aces we're "killjoys" for wanting to be acknowledged. When the lack of acknowledgement is precisely one of most prevalent issues we face.

I dunno. It's like, those things should be able to coexist, that's all I'm saying, and when we say it it automatically gets treated like we're telling allos/shippers/whatehaveyou "STOP EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW". Like, dude, no. Making room for all queer identities isn't taking shit from anyone. The idea is to ADD to the diversity. Of course, if people aren't interested in adding to the diversity, that's their decisions, but we're not the ones taking something away in this case.

🤷 Iiiiit's a lot. Thank you for the kind words though, it's the kind of thing that reminds me that as much of a shitshow as it is, it IS somehow still better than it used to be, because at least some people are actually acknowledging it for what it is, and that gives me hope for the future.

[bloggingboutburgers]

i'm watching the conversation on your latest comic unfold from the sidelines and wanted to let you know that i'm totally in support of you. i don't understand why aspecs sharing our experiences is always met with pushback. i just want to live my romo-repulsed life in peace....

if nothing else i hope this ask brings some comfort in the face of someone being aphobic in your notes

It does, thank you.

If I had to guess I think it's like... Fragility in the face of the possible discomfort of hurting a whole group of people when you didn't originally mean to because you didn't even consider the fact that they exist.

It's probably easier to double down by thinking "I'm not harming anyone ever because I'm not TRYING to harm anyone".

Granted, not trying to harm anyone is commandable as it is. Doubling down does end up falling into more active harming category though.

I dunno. I never really understood the mindset of "That would not hurt me personally so I've decided you can't be hurt either", and how people think that's how it works.

But yeah I should ease off