[RECORDER CLICKS ON]
ARCHIVIST
Martin, I’m not going to listen to you when you’re like this.
MARTIN
You are utterly infuriating and I cannot stand you
ARCHIVIST
But you love me
MARTIN
(exasperated) I do, and I hate myself.
ARCHIVIST
(amused) So we can agree that I’m not in the wrong for drinking microwave tea?
MARTIN
No. No, you are absolutely evil and-
[The Archivist shushes him]
MARTIN
(increasingly infuriated) No! No, I will not-
ARCHIVIST
Mar- Martin, Martin, listen.
MARTIN
To what? Insanity?
ARCHIVIST
No, it’s.. It sounds like whirring tape.
MARTIN
(confused) What?
ARCHIVIST
Whirring tape, like-
MARTIN
Like a tape recorder, I know- but what do you mean it sounds like a tape recorder? Do we.. (introspective) do we own any anymore?
ARCHIVIST
I wouldn’t know. But it definitely sounds like one.
[They both fall silent for a moment]
MARTIN
You’re right, it does..
ARCHIVIST
It’s coming from over.. there.
MARTIN
That’s the fireplace.
[Footsteps approach and wood is moved aside, clearing the audio]
MARTIN
Yeah.. yeah, that’s a tape recorder.
ARCHIVIST
(sarcastically drawn out) Wonderful.
MARTIN
I thought that these would stop- they did stop, didn’t they?
ARCHIVIST
I have no idea what’s going on any more than you do, Martin. As far as I know, the Eye isn’t here. That or it wouldn’t notify me anyway, now that I’m useless.
MARTIN
(empathically) You are not useless
ARCHIVIST
Try convincing the Eye of that. A blind Archivist can See no fear.
MARTIN (legally)
Fair, fair.. What do we do with this?
ARCHIVIST
Smash it, I guess?
MARTIN
(jokingly) We could pour concrete on it
ARCHIVIST
(Laughs)
MARTIN
(Also laughing) Pull a bit of an Adelard Dekkar
ARCHIVIST
(calming down, but still amused) God, if he were the Archivist..
MARTIN
Yeah.. Anyway, where’s the hammer?
ARCHIVIST
(audibly smiling like a little shit) I have no idea.
MARTIN
(Snorts) Right, you go back to your Devil tea, I’ll go look in the garage.
[Footsteps, followed by indistinct whispering]
MARTIN
(panicked) What the hell!?
ARCHIVIST
(distantly) Are you alright?
MARTIN
(confused) I.. I think the tape recorder said something to me?
ARCHIVIST
(coming closer) What?
MARTIN
I don’t know! I was about to open the door, and it just- asked me a question!
ARCHIVIST
(mildly concerned) did it ask or did it Ask?
MARTIN
It just.. asked.
ARCHIVIST
Huh. Well.. what did it say?
MARTIN
It said..
ARCHIVIST
(annoyed) This is not Devil tea! This is Darjeeling!
MARTIN
Well apparently the mysterious voice agrees with me about microwaving tea!
ARCHIVIST
(like a petulant kitten) It’s quick, it’s easy, and it doesn’t even taste that bad!
MARTIN
(triumphantly) So it does taste bad!
[The Archivist and Martin are open for questioning]