ONE / Thirty Four - I am Freaking Out
And so the panic begins.
Today is the last day before the date with Ethan aka the ice rink I go to with Jesse, Petal and Ethan. Yes, that Ethan. I wasn’t feeling any rushes of anxiety and or fear but as we get closer to the actual weekend I can feel how tense I get only imagining what could go wrong. What am I saying, Tomorrow is the day and I am freaking out. I don’t know if we can hide this. The last time we saw each other my brain stopped working and Lucia had to do all the talking for me since, well I was completely stunned. I can just hope Jesse wouldn’t say some weird and awkward shit that could bounce me out of balance and makes me even more afraid. I feel good with Ethan though and the situation. He seems really understandable and get’s that I am panicking about this more than it is worth it. Ethan and I chatted all day yesterday and it just felt good. He comforts me and makes me feel like a good person. Not that I think of myself as a bad person, but I just feel better around him. I know this might sound silly since we didn’t even have our first date yet but hear me out. I was stargazed when I met him the first time and during this chat, I really grew closer to him. We’ve noticed we share so many interests and have the same opinion on so many things. He often agrees to what I am saying and we even already talked about how we are going to watch that one movie time and time again because we both love it so much. He is the perfect mix of staying home and watching netflix and going to parties. He mentioned that it’s always easy for him to make new friends at events so I was wondering if maybe he could be the one person that gets me out of my bubble and gets me to let me become more of a social butterfly. I have lived here for something around a month now and I have met no new friends besides him and Petal. All other people I already knew before I went to Brighton.
I wasn’t expecting that, no I didn’t want that. I came here to get out of my bubble, so that no one is there who holds me back like Mildret did. That I could finally be me. But nothing. I am still afraid of wearing the cute shirts Jesse got me, I’m still afraid to get into bars and clubs and I still have conversations with people I have never known before. Yes I know this is kind of needed if you want to sociallice but I fucking suck at this. Yes it is good that I no longer live together with a tyrant, self loving person but who do I have here? Ten people from Sarah's elderly place wow. If being friends with ten people over the age of sixty isn’t what screams mid twenty dime than I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong her friends are all cool and every time some are over we just play cards or board games. One person goes by Queen of Hearts for now, since she always wins with her heart cards.
I thought I would get to know more people like me, finding a group I would fit in and not be a missfit like in all other times. It sucks constantly having the looner feeling. But I am sure things are going to change from tomorrow on onwards. If everything goes well I’d imagine Jesse, Petal, Lucia, Ethan and I could become a really cool group. I don’t know how we can spend the time but just thinking about this, of all the stuff the five of us could do, makes me smile like hell. I think Ethan would fit into the group. I mean we have Jesse and Lucia, both visibly a whore and wild party animals while also having a hyper focus when being in university. I don’t know that much about Petal but from what Jesse said she is a constant bouncing rubber ball of energy and joy. Always listening to Kpop and looking like being pulled out of an idol group. Then there’s me who is a bit more of a quiet and observing person. I may not have all the skills nor the looks my friends have but I have the brain to keep them all connected. Furthermore I am just the best when it comes to gaming and all nerdy shit. And then there is Ethan. I think he is a combination of Lucia and me. Quite throughout the day and a wild party animal once it gets dark. At least his insta is full of dark pictures of late night parties and events. And even better. As a barista in the cafe he is technically part of the royal holloway staff so he always has access to the newest and wildest student parties. I wonder why Lucia hasn’t seen him before. Yet I also know that Ethan isn’t really her type at all. I don’t even know if Lucia dates in general. Her studies are over everything. I think this has to do with her family. You know, being born into a perfect rich ass italian family where everyone in the family line has been a groundbreaking scientist, researcher or doctor put quite a lot of pressure on her. For what I know, she started diving into medicine due to the illness of her brother. He got thrown out of the family's manor due to that and ever since that fateful day Lucia wanted to get him better and to get him back into the family. I don’t know what he has, Lucia never told me and honestly I don’t need to know that but it’s great to see her studying.
For what I know Ethan, just like me, never went to university. Some people say it's because we’re not smart enough but in reality I just want to be free of schoolwork and want to be able to focus my mind onto what I want and not having to fear that I have ten essays overdue. After school, just like me, Ethan had a lot of minijobs before he got proper training as a barista. Ever since he’d been moved from cafe to cafe, wherever they needed the staff and after this cafe on the royal holloway grounds opened he went there. He really likes the place, and the view at the founders building which is just magical.
Well so much for today. My brain is running in circles trying to not collapse till tomorrow. But I’m sure that whatever happens, it will be a nice day and date.
See y'all tomorrow!