Blog.Reflection

Welcome to my escape Instagram: blog.reflectionofficial

[blog-reflection]

One - Everything has to start, right?

Hi

my Name is James, James William Fall.

I'm an out of school young gay man in his early 20's. People told me, that my 20's will be the golden age of my life.... I couldn't dissagree more.

Ever since I became sort of an grown up, problems started to pop up everywhere. Problems and issues, I've never seen as a Teen. I read books and online reviews about that. One person shared their story about how they started an Blog to deal with their situation and well... I thought perhaps, that I should try that too.

And now? Now I'm here...here in my room, sitting and staring out the window while typing into an empty Blog, in hopes that that will help.

I don't know how long I'll be doin that, or if I continue after this. Maybe it's a stupid Idea, maybe not. Noone can really Tell, exept the time, that is. Untill, that is, I'll continue this Blog.

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Thirty Four - I am Freaking Out

And so the panic begins.

Today is the last day before the date with Ethan aka the ice rink I go to with Jesse, Petal and Ethan. Yes, that Ethan. I wasn’t feeling any rushes of anxiety and or fear but as we get closer to the actual weekend I can feel how tense I get only imagining what could go wrong. What am I saying, Tomorrow is the day and I am freaking out. I don’t know if we can hide this. The last time we saw each other my brain stopped working and Lucia had to do all the talking for me since, well I was completely stunned. I can just hope Jesse wouldn’t say some weird and awkward shit that could bounce me out of balance and makes me even more afraid. I feel good with Ethan though and the situation. He seems really understandable and get’s that I am panicking about this more than it is worth it. Ethan and I chatted all day yesterday and it just felt good. He comforts me and makes me feel like a good person. Not that I think of myself as a bad person, but I just feel better around him. I know this might sound silly since we didn’t even have our first date yet but hear me out. I was stargazed when I met him the first time and during this chat, I really grew closer to him. We’ve noticed we share so many interests and have the same opinion on so many things. He often agrees to what I am saying and we even already talked about how we are going to watch that one movie time and time again because we both love it so much. He is the perfect mix of staying home and watching netflix and going to parties. He mentioned that it’s always easy for him to make new friends at events so I was wondering if maybe he could be the one person that gets me out of my bubble and gets me to let me become more of a social butterfly. I have lived here for something around a month now and I have met no new friends besides him and Petal. All other people I already knew before I went to Brighton. 

I wasn’t expecting that, no I didn’t want that. I came here to get out of my bubble, so that no one is there who holds me back like Mildret did. That I could finally be me. But nothing. I am still afraid of wearing the cute shirts Jesse got me, I’m still afraid to get into bars and clubs and I still have conversations with people I have never known before. Yes I know this is kind of needed if you want to sociallice but I fucking suck at this. Yes it is good that I no longer live together with a tyrant, self loving person but who do I have here? Ten people from Sarah's elderly place wow. If being friends with ten people over the age of sixty isn’t what screams mid twenty dime than I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong her friends are all cool and every time some are over we just play cards or board games. One person goes by Queen of Hearts for now, since she always wins with her heart cards. 

I thought I would get to know more people like me, finding a group I would fit in and not be a missfit like in all other times. It sucks constantly having the looner feeling. But I am sure things are going to change from tomorrow on onwards. If everything goes well I’d imagine Jesse, Petal, Lucia, Ethan and I could become a really cool group. I don’t know how we can spend the time but just thinking about this, of all the stuff the five of us could do, makes me smile like hell. I think Ethan would fit into the group. I mean we have Jesse and Lucia, both visibly a whore and wild party animals while also having a hyper focus when being in university. I don’t know that much about Petal but from what Jesse said she is a constant bouncing rubber ball of energy and joy. Always listening to Kpop and looking like being pulled out of an idol group. Then there’s me who is a bit more of a quiet and observing person. I may not have all the skills nor the looks my friends have but I have the brain to keep them all connected. Furthermore I am just the best when it comes to gaming and all nerdy shit. And then there is Ethan. I think he is a combination of Lucia and me. Quite throughout the day and a wild party animal once it gets dark. At least his insta is full of dark pictures of late night parties and events. And even better. As a barista in the cafe he is technically part of the royal holloway staff so he always has access to the newest and wildest student parties. I wonder why Lucia hasn’t seen him before. Yet I also know that Ethan isn’t really her type at all. I don’t even know if Lucia dates in general. Her studies are over everything. I think this has to do with her family. You know, being born into a perfect rich ass italian family where everyone in the family line has been a groundbreaking scientist, researcher or doctor put quite a lot of pressure on her. For what I know, she started diving into medicine due to the illness of her brother. He got thrown out of the family's manor due to that and ever since that fateful day Lucia wanted to get him better and to get him back into the family. I don’t know what he has, Lucia never told me and honestly I don’t need to know that but it’s great to see her studying. 

For what I know Ethan, just like me, never went to university. Some people say it's because we’re not smart enough but in reality I just want to be free of schoolwork and want to be able to focus my mind onto what I want and not having to fear that I have ten essays overdue. After school, just like me, Ethan had a lot of minijobs before he got proper training as a barista. Ever since he’d been moved from cafe to cafe, wherever they needed the staff and after this cafe on the royal holloway grounds opened he went there. He really likes the place, and the view at the founders building which is just magical. 

Well so much for today. My brain is running in circles trying to not collapse till tomorrow. But I’m sure that whatever happens, it will be a nice day and date. 

See y'all tomorrow!

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Thirty Three - What If?

What the actual fuck am I suppost to do?

I am screwed. I noticed that while being at Royal Holloway I have missed over eight messages from Ethan. It was just the casual stuff and, to be host, he’s been texting me cute stuff all the time by now but how shity does it look if I didn’t even respond on the same day. Not gonna lie I feel terrible for not releasing that. In reality, my brain is just a massive messed up pile of whatever a brain is made of. The investigation that happened truly bounced my mind off of anything related to my real life, to my friends, to Ethan. I don’t even know what I am supposed to do with Jesse to be honest. I get Lucia and honestly she is right. I just can’t stand to be the one who, yet again, falls head over heels for a guy I don’t even know. Don’t get me wrong, Ethan and I have been chatting quite a bit but we only have seen each other on the day we met. We didn’t go on a date, we haven’t talked properly. Heck I didn’t even manage to visit him at work to fetch a coffee. Nothing. And the next time we will see each other we will already have our first date. 

I honestly don’t know if I’m too fast with anything. I feel like I kind of act as long as the feelings are there. What if the feels for him linger off? What if Ethan finds another one and completely forgets about me because I’m so shitty in terms of answering? What if I bore him? What if…there are so many what if’s in my head right now if I’m completely honest. I just… I guess I’m just afraid of getting close to someone considering my last relationship. I only ever had one, but that was already enough. After that one I decided that a relationship isn't the thing for me. I installed grindr and went more for casual meet ups with any stranger who was close and hot enough to spend time with. I met a cool dude but that was it. Most of the people were one time only things and I say as it is, I’m not ashamed of it. Many, including Jesse, would’ve called me a whore just because I had some time with so many guys. In reality, I enjoy nothing out of it. 

But let's get back to the topic. Ethan. I decided to answer, asking him about his week and how he is feeling about the ice rink situation this weekend. I just wanted to make sure he’s really up for it. Judging by the time he should still be at work, I guess I just have to wait for him to reply to my message. In the meantime, I browsed to the other chats I had. 

Lucia had, again, asked me if I already messaged Jesse about how I am in love with Ethan and what the news is. Gosh sometimes I hate when people enter my life for so much attention like piss off I am not that interested that your mind has to be constantly running around me.

The group chat of Jesse and Petal had dozens of messages, but since I wasn’t pinged somewhere I just left it and waited till they would ping me. To be honest I am kind of really hyped to meet petal. I was thinking about having some time with her while Ethan would get to know Jesse. I mean I told Ethan alot about Jesse but not the other way around. I just really hope that the plan will work out the way I have it in my mind. I mean sure I can never be 100 percent sure but I just hope it all works out.

Nonetheless, the ice rink seems really cool. It opened a while ago in Brighton but I was yet not able to actually get a good look at the place. Tickets have been booked out so fast, it was already hard for Petal to get ours. I just hope it's not too full so you don’t bump into strangers time and time again. I literally only want to spend some time with Ethan. 

Even better, Petal already agreed on coming to my place so the two of us could have an awesome sleepover. We asked Jesse to but they are kinda busy with their studies since they have to hand in an essay before monday and apparently they are running really really late. I asked Lucia if she had to write an essay like that too but she didn’t. Maybe it’s some extra work or simply because Lucia and Jesse have different curses. Actually, I think that might be the reason. Nonetheless I couldn’t care less about any of that. This is the exact reason why I could never have studied. I just think learning and writing so much knowledge isn’t really for me yet I am in my room typing an essay or blog to keep ya’ll updated on my life with, honestly isn’t even that special to begin with. 

Alright, I got away from my PC since Sarah called for dinner. She made some pasta which was delicious as hell. She also got some white wine along with the food so we spent the evening really chilled out, just the two of us drinking wine and eating pasta. After dinner we both sat at the sofa and watched an old movie till both of us fell asleep.

Looking back at it, today has been a blast and a lot of socialising. I think I need that. Nonetheless I am more than happy about the next few days. Soon Ethan and I will have our first date.

I hope everything goes swell. 

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Thirty Four - Don’t Fuck Anything up!

Police officer: We got news

After spending several hours with a guard and Henry alone, I was more than relieved that one of the officers had come into the room, holding Lucia at her shoulder. They told us that they have everything to continue the investigation from the PD and that we are all free again. Couple of seconds later you could hear an announcement by the Headmistress that the school is open again. I gave one of the officers the data I extracted from Henry and after that was free to go as well. I took the opportunity to take this time here to talk with Lucia. After all, she is the only one that knows about Ethan, so I kind of want her point of view on the ice skating idea and how terribly I have planned everything. We headed to the library and went into the more talkative space. 

Lucia: Kind of nuts what happened today isn't it? I, personally, would have never thought that I actually could help in an investigation like that James: To be honest, same. This all felt so surreal. Lucia: Definitely. So you wanted to talk? I guess this isn’t about what happened today, is it? James: Yeah. James: I'm kind of going on a date with Ethan. Lucia: Shut up really? What are you guys doing? James: Well, Jesse and Petal have invited me to the new ice rink that opened a while ago. I originally didn’t even plan to make it a date but Petal asked if I got a plus one too so we could save some money with a group card. Lucia: Sooo? James: Sooo I just asked Ethan. Turns out he actually likes ice skating. Lucia: Damn that’s so cool! Also happy you managed to talk with Jesse about it. James: yeahhh…the…I Lucia: JAMES?!? You agreed to a date without the others not knowing that it is a date??! Do you have any idea how many issues that will create? What if Ethan wants to be a bit touchy like hand holding. For a first date it's a cute Idea but please you need to tell them. James: Oh do I? I don’t think I have to. I already talked to Ethan about how this is just a date for us and that we kind of have to keep it low key. Luckily he said that it isn't such a big deal for him since he is just happy to spend some time with me. Lucia: Okay that is cute but don’t you want to at least mention it to Jesse? I mean they are your best friend, don’t they deserve the truth? James: I mean yeah they are but also I know how shitty they can be with such information sometimes. I just don’t want to push out something when I’m not even sure that that something is, you know? Lucia: Not really but if you do this, please recheck and don’t fuck anything up okay? James: I won’t but thanks.

Lucia and I hugged goodbye before I headed back to the main station.

I mean yeah, Lucia probably is right. I do have to tell them I just really don’t know when. Whenever I had a crush or even mentioned that I feel something like this towards Jesse, they tend to make it into a joke. They would be fast in calling me a whore just because I have so many people. Listen, I know my track record of boys has been shit, I know that. And I get that Jesse is only doing that to protect me but seriously, it’s just really annoying. 

I got into the train and waited til it was ready to depart. By now it was already rather late and to be honest this whole police investigation thing really drained my energy. I just hope it gets sorted out fast. I opened my bag and reached for a bag Lucia gave me. Inside was a bagel with avocado as well as some crisps and energy. Goddess bless her that was exactly what I needed. I ate the bagel and listened to the new songs I’ve put into my spotify playlist.

When I arrived back in Brighton it was already dark. I’ve decided to give a small run through the nearby Tesco before heading back home. The light’s were still on, meaning that Sarah must be awake.I hope she isn't in a bad mood with me since I didn’t have a chance of what happened. I was right. As I entered the house Sarah was laughing very loudly with other people together. I stood into the doorframe and gazed into the living room. She was there with 3 people. I guess they are from the elderly living place. They were watching some comedy bake show while eating cupcakes. If I look at it again it is a really cute scenario. I decided to leave them be and went up into my room. I turned on all my fairy lights, jumped out of my clothes and under the sheets before turning on the TV browsing for any good shows I could watch. 

It didn’t take long at all till I got really tired. I’ve decided to call it a day, turned on my podcast and waited patiently to finally fall asleep.

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Thirty Three - Data Storage

Police officer: Is there a Mr. Fall around?

I got the chills all around my body. If the police are asking for me, it sure has something to do with the doors and that can’t be a good sign for any of us. I raised my hand and stood out in front of the group of staff members and teachers. 

Police officer A: James William Fall? The headmistress told us that you are the one in charge of all the entries. Is that right? James: Yes ma’am, how can I help? Police officer A: Come with us, we need more, private talk. James: As you wish.

I was about to shit myself. What could she possibly want from me and why does she take me into crossfire with one of her mates. We were going for a bit before we entered one of the classrooms. The officer I was talking to was leaning against the teacher's desk while the other one was walking around in circles, which made me even more nervous than I had to be. 

Police officer A: Listen Mr. Fall, We just need to know if there is any backup of who went in and outside the door. We haven’t seen any signs of a break in, the person must have gotten in through the door just like anyone else. James: Oh right! Yeah I…One Second! Police officer B: Hey Kid, slow it down. There might be a weapon in this thing. Police officer A: Kent just shut it, he isn’t armed he’s frightened. And if you start to gunpoint nothing will make him do it faster so just stay silent. Police officer B: Hmpf James: Alright, may I please use the table? Thanks. This is the log from Royal Holloway over the last twenty four hours. That’s the timespan we have right? Police officer A: Apparently so, we don’t have an exact time of crime. James: Al right. Hmmm that’s unusual. Police officer A: What is? James: It seems that the door to the gallery was open the entire day. It was opened by one of the art teachers and closed by our headmistress late at night. Police officer B: Sounds pretty normal to me. James: It isn’t. The opening is the same if we compare it to older days. The first error is that the door wasn’t shut once during the entire day. Also since when is the Headmistress the one who closes, especially that late at night. Police officer A: You’re right, that is suspicious. Could you make us a copy of that? James: I sure can do that, but it’ll take some time. Police officer A: How long are we talking about? James: I’m not sure, it’s quite some data. Could be half an hour, maybe one. It could also be three hours. Police officer A: Is there anything we can do? James: I just need a quiet place and a data storage that’s okay with you. 

The lady was giving me a USB port and then left the room with her mate. Oh man, I never thoughtI’d be in such a messy situation. It makes no sense though. Why was the headmistress in school that late and why was she the one who closed the door. I was thinking hard about any upcoming events that may take place in the gallery but nothing. Well, I may not know it, but I know someone who knows everything relevant in this place. Lucia. 

I went outside and looked around for the two officers until I found her. I kindly asked them if they could or could send someone to guard Henry while I was having a talk with Lucia outside. I made my way through the mostly empty hallways and out of a side door to avoid the crowd in front of the school. I spotted Lucia from a distance and tried to get her attention, but nothing. The crowd got bigger compared to when I arrived, so it was way more difficult to reach her, but I did. I took her aside and out of the crowd so we could have a better chat. 

Lucia: James! What the hell is getting one? James: You tell me why is there such a huge crowd? Lucia: Everyone’s just pissed that no one cares to give us an answer of what happened. Please say you know what it is. James: I’m sorry, but the police told me not what happened. Lucia: So why are you here then? James: Because I need your help. You’re popular, and you always have a lot of intel. Lucia: What is it you need? James: Was there any Event happening around the gallery in the last twenty four hours. Think hard. Or have you seen something unusual? Lucia: The gallery? No, not that I’m aware of. James: Anything else that could help? Lucia: Know that you say it, I believe there was a silver van standing alongside the gallery for almost the entire day. It stood there when I came here. I’ve seen how two people were goin got the van with a blanket late at night. James: That’s big news! Would, would you be able to talk to one of the officers with me? I think this could really help the situation. Lucia: Yeah sure!

Said and done. I took her through the door. I went outside and got back to the room where the guard was still looking over Henry. I went to the officer who I had talked to and said that Lucia might know some pieces that are relevant for future analyses of the situation.

I really hope we find a way out.

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Thirty Two - Scene of Crime

There are chills in the day.

Today is rainy, which is perfect since that is exactly the weather I like, to be in the door at least. Sadly management needs me over at uni again for some inspection. I don’t really know what this could be but well, since it’s my job I kind of have to do what they want of me even if I don’t even know the issue just yet. But well, no need to get stressed out about this. I mean, I’m stressed enough about the coming weekend and the ice rink. My head is spinning around like crazy, so I’m happy I have a thing or two to do and can focus on that instead. Alright, it’s six in the morning, enough time for me to get something to eat and get to the train station. I got out of my PJ’s and went to my bath, ready to take a shower. Ever since I got that cold rush at my old place I tend to get into the shower after a few drops have already gone down, so I won’t get surprised again. After the sower was done, I got to my wardrobe to browse through all of my clothes. I picked a pair of bright denim jeans, a grey calvin klein and a dark forest green jumper. I grabbed Henry and threw him into my backpack before checking the hallway for any lights. Perfekt! Sarah was already awake and I smelled the scent of coffee all around the under half of the house. I walked down while asking Sarah if I could take some with me. She was standing in the kitchen, facing the oven waiting desperately for whatever is in the oven to get finished. Since I had a bit of time left, I decided to take a seat at her counter for a bit of chatter. 

James: Soooo, I assume you are waiting for something then? Sarah: I eh, yeah. Sorry Darling what did you say? James: Damn this must be important, what’s the reason? Sarah: OH yeah, the elderly are throwing their 50th anniversary today. I thought I would make some cakes since they have asked the people around to contribute. Just, for your own safety, don’t look around.

I did just that. I shouldn't have done that, she’s right. Judged by all the boxes that are here she could bake for an entire community. There are big boxes, small boxes, some for cupcakes and even, wait, three of them are already filled?! Jesus Chrust since when is that woman awake and baking. I decided to leave her to her own madness, poured some of the coffee into my cup, told Sarah that I was on  the way and went outside the door. Ah yes, rain, I forgot. I turned around and grabbed the umbrella that’s always ready for usage in the hallway. Bet he’d be happy to get out every now and then. I put on my headphones and started blasting some music. I waved hi towards the neighbours I still don’t know and to Amber, who just opened her store. I was walking down the street, not thinking, just enjoying the rain, getting lost in the music. 

I made a quick stop at a small store to get something to eat. I got some blueberries as well as some cinnamon rolls and a juicebox. I know I have my coffee but sometimes I may want to take a different sip than just coffee. I paid the bill and went outside where the rain was still ongoing. It wasn’t a storm, just regular heavy rain

As I arrived at the train station I witnessed the usual stressed people and kids that are getting tagged through dozens of people and nearly get stomped to death. I faced the lineups and noticed that my train was ready for railing within five minutes. OH SHIT. I must have taken too long at the store. I miscalculated since I had two stops instead of one damnit. I grabbed my backpack and started running. It was more parkuring but I made it. As soon as I step foot in the train the doors shut and the train starts to move. I took a huge sip of my juicebox before walking along the train looking for a spot to sit. To my surprise, the train was rather empty, and so I had free choice of where I wanted to sit. I switched my music to more life oriented songs and started booting up Henry in his silent mode. 

Mails after mails arrived so I did what I always do during travel, playing the support. There were about ten mails with the same problem, which allowed me to just copy and paste one answer I already messaged one of the people. Two mails from Truhham, wholes head boy was crying for some not working doors and thirty mails from royal holloway with exactly the same stuff in it. Listen…I get that one of your doors isn’t working, but sending me thirty mails each containing a system error of a door won’t make me fast. Sometimes I just hate them. I did what I could do during the trip until I arrived at the other train station. Since I was hungry I decided to make another quick stop at one of the restaurants to get some fresh fish ‘n chips.  I set down in the train station and ate my chips, silently observing the people around me. I don’t know what it is about train stations but I always like how much of a rush all of those people are in. About one foot away from me landed a pigeon, seemingly confused on why a human was sitting in their place. Since I like pigeons, I’ve decided to share one of my chips with it. The pigeon came closer and closer until I was able to pet them. I know they wanted more, but I ran out of chips for now. I stood up, placed my headphones on my head and went outside to the bus stop that’ll take me to royal holloway.   

As soon as I arrived I noticed a lot of students who had gathered outside and waited for some of the staff to have a talk. But there was no one. I spotted Lucia on the ground and asked her what happened. She told me that no one really has a clue on what’s going on and she only knows that no one's allowed to get into the building.  I made my way to the front and showed the guy my entry card, before I entered the uni. As I entered the founders building, I noticed that some of the staff and teachers were walking around in circles visibly trying to hold it together. I went to one of them and asked what had happened. The art teacher told me that, overnight, someone had stolen a few of the paintings off the gallery. The police are currently reviewing the scene of crime together with the headmistress.

I really hope none of the doors were broken. 

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Thirty One - Decent Ice Skating Person

And I did, in fact, spend time waiting.

Apparently Ethan was either asleep or at work, but he is definitely not the type of person that glued their phone to their face. Well guess I have to wait. I messaged him right after the gang…still hate that name…was asking for a plus one. Of course I haven’t said anything yet, but I will once he agrees, which I hope he does. We texted a lot over the last few days butI don’t know if asking him out like that would be a nice thing for a first date. I don’t mean the Ice skating. I think that’s awesome for the first date, but I’m worried that introducing him to my friends might be, I don’t know, too early. On the other hand, I don’t have to tell them that it’s a date. Oh my goddess I am a genius. For Ethan and me this will be a date but then it comes to Petal and Jesse it’s just a casual friend hangout. He could be from a different school, someone who helped me get everything started. Of course I kind of would be lying but who’s asking right? Nonetheless I think Ethan just replied to my message. At least I felt my phone buzzing all over my bedside table to let’s see. 

Discord conversation 

@Fallen_Jam Today at 3.03am

They there :D Random question but, how good are you on blades? I’m asking because Jesse, my best friend, has been asking if I wanted to join them and a friend at the freshly opened ice rink! I always loved ice skating and I always thought that it had some kind of a romantic aura around it. Nonetheless, if we’d get a fourth one we could all get away cheaper and the two of us would have something like our first date. UNLESS YOU DON’T WANT TO CALL IT A DATE haha I really don’t want to put pressure on you, so it’s more than okay if you disagree with the date idea, or come along with us in total. Let me know once you have an answer, cya and have a great work day!

@GreenOtter Today at 2.15pm

Heyho! Haha thanks for asking! I am actually pretty and a decent ice skating person. I used to go to the ice rink with Harper like all winter long. And yes I agree, to some extent it is really romantic. And yes of course it’ll be our first date! If I am honest I kind of wanted to ask you out already, but work occupied me so often that I either didn’t have the time nor the brain capacity to text you. But the happier I am that you made that move. Say yes to your little groups, I’ll come along! Do they know that this will also be our first date? I mean it is kind of odd to have people around you on your first date though. Anyways, maybe if my time will let me, you could come around mine after the date? We could watch some movies, have some snacks and chatter? Only if you want to, of course. And thanks for the wishes, sadly today was a shit day but well, we all have those times amirte? TTYL!!!

@Fallen_Jam Today at 2.29pm

I am so sorry to hear that your day was like that :/ I hope you had a good cake in the cafe you could munch on in the background! Sounds like hell to me to be honest. I don’t think I could ever work there haha, I tip my crown. BUT NICE !!! I was really hoping you’d like the idea! In terms of us, if it would be okay, I wouldn't like them to know it’s a date. Jesse is pretty fast with making assumptions and I don’t really want them to ruin this. I bet they will like you tho! They will bring one of their friends along that I don’t know as well. No matter what I think it will turn out great! And I can’t wait to see you on the ice then. I expect a rose btw haha Anyhow, I’ll text the others and send you the further details! Hope you can move around your shift then! Anyways cya!

Well, that went better than I thought! And If he’s been busy lately I get why he didn’t reply. Alright, off to the gang..ugh.

Discord Server “The Gang ✩*⋆ “ conversation 

@Fallen_Jam Today at 2.34pm

@Petals get the group ticket I got someone!

@Petals Today at 3.11pm

YES AWWWYEAHHH Alright Alright!!! Then I need six pounds for each of you! Btw who’s coming? The friend Jesse mentioned? Lucia?

@Fallen_Jam Today at 3.13am

Actually no, it’s someone I got to meet at a different school, who helped me with the setup! His name is Ethan, he’s really cool!

@J3ss3 Today at 3.13pm

Yo how come I never heard of him before?!?!?

@Fallen_Jam Today at 3.15pm

Hey call you titts! You haven’t mentioned Petal prior to that as well!

@Petals Today at 3.16pm

WAIT YOU WHAT?!?!

@Fallen_Jam Today at 3.16pm

YOU HAVEN’T TOLD HER?!?!

@Petals Today at 3.16pm

Yeah they never tell anyone anything, right Mx Fuckhead?!?!

@J3ss3 Today at 3.17am

Jesus what did I come back to! I didn’t you we were attending a “Roast Jesse till they bleed” OUTCH

@Fallen_Jam Today at 3.17pm

You’ll get over it haha So Petal, when’s the day?

@Petals Today at 3.20pm

Well, this friday! They have an opening party that I really don’t want to miss. They said something with music and light and it sounds sooo cool! Gates open around 5pm so enough time before for a bit of chatter. If you need blades, you have an additional fee, but you’ll get that back after the ride! 

 @Fallen_Jam Today at 3.21pm

Perfect! I will text Ethan asap. Cya :D 

Nice date, time and ticket! What else? I was actually thinking of buying the ticket for Ethan sort of as a gift. But I’ll think about that. Anyhow, I’ll message Ethan and then grab some food. 

Hopefully, this will all work. 

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Thirty - The Gang

What. The. Fuck? 

I woke up, panicky looking around, touching myself. I was sweaty from fear. What was that? I looked at my phone. There was a video playing, a porn to be exact. I slowly started to piece everything together. I was tired and have been looking at the video. Out of pure tiredness I must have fallen asleep while the video was still on. The sound has triggered my brain and created this whole scenario. There was no hotel, nor a group. Just my imagination playing tricks on me. I was as relieved as I was disturbed by my own capability. 

I gazed at the alarm clock on my right side. Two in the morning. Right, as if I could ever wake up to a normal time for once in my life. Well since I’m awake like I’ve been drinking energy nonstop, I might as well get up in total. I looked down the stairs into the hallway which was dark. Meaning Sarah must still be in bed. If she’d been awake, the floor would shimmer in the living room's light. But nothing. Also no smell of toast so she hasn't eaten yet. It’s crazy how fast I get used to the habits of others that are around me. I mean I’m living here for a few but still. I got in front of my computer and stared at the screen, waiting for it to turn on, which it did about two minutes later. My computer is nothing compared to Henry. I mean yeah I could check Henry for those updates as well but he’s still busy processing the last data update. To be honest it kinda bums me that Henry is as buff as he is while my computer is suffering, but we all have to watch out for our resources. 

Discord was the first thing that popped right into my face. Multiple messages have been listed as unread. There is a friend invite from Midas, the guy I met a few days ago when I slept at Lucia's place. There have been a few messages from Jessen and two from Ethan. Wait…ETHAN? I stood up and fell face first into my bed. After a small break of my pure excitement I went back to my pc. Okay, let’s do this. 

Discord conversation 

@GreenOtter Yesterday at 11.46pm Hey I just wanted to check if everything is alright. I haven’t seen you in the last few days. I mean I haven’t seen you before but I saw your friend. I assume you don’t live here then? Well that’s a shame. Anyways, where do you live then? I guess I can easily come around if you want me to.  

@GreenOtter Today at 12.50pm I hope that I don’t come across like a total creep scaring you away like that. I promise, I didn’t mean to! I was just wondering if you’d like to meet up for a coffee sometime. Anyhow ttyl Jam!

Oh my goddess he called me Jam, a nickname, already? Wait no I’m stupid, that’s literally my nick on discord. Nevermind then. However, how cute is that! I mean I have no Idea what to answer but I’m sure I’ll do so! The fact alone that I started blushing when I read this message says enough doesn't it. But before I do that, let’s check out Jesse’s annoying ass. 

Discord conversation 

@J3ss3 Yesterday at 11.46pm Yo yo yoooo You won’t believe it! Guess who’s now a happier woman than ever before!?!? Petal’s so happy about the fact that you made those changes. She was so happy and teary when I showed her the info display. It worked all flawlessly, according to plan, as the cool kids these days say! Nonetheless, I made a Server for all 3 of us! If you want we can even add Lucia!!! OH man this will be the beginning of something great I can tell ya!!!

@J3ss3 Today at 12.50pm Oh and Petal loves the Idea with the Icerink, she’s already on it to get tickets for the gang. Please join the server! Anyway buyeeeee

Well, first I’m more than happy that Petal is happy now and that all programming did what it had to do. Second, *the gang*? What are we? A bunch of stupid soccer lads??? Nothing against people that play soccer, I just never understood why you let 20 people chase a ball when you could have 20 puppies chasing the same ball. It just doesn't end up to me. But I guess it doesn't need to. Soo let’s see, the link is there. The profile picture is just a really….really ugly one of Jesse holding a kitten into their phone. Not sure if the kitten wanted to end there though. I assume it’s either Pixel, Sniffer or Lucian but I’m not sure it was dark when I saw them at Jesse's place. 

I did have to gag a tiny bit while reading the title of the server. They literally called it “the gang” with an ugly star next to it. They better want it to look like it’s freshly baked in trash rather than a real approche on creating a fitting server for us. Well… We are kind of trash so they might have done a pretty decent job. 

Anyhow, let’s see what is in there and if I’m prepared.- I was not. 

This server could’ve also simply been one that was abandoned and then found by two toddlers who smeared paint all over it to make it look .. pretty? Literally, if the world would end, this would be the outcome. 

On the other hand, I get to see Petal! Her nick is relatively unspecial, being Petals. However her profile picture is just amazing. It’s a picture of her, but drawn in a really cool style. It looks like concept art, but all the lines,  the colours, everything is clear. She, no caps, looks like a Kpop Idol that was thrown into a game. I’m not sure if that’s an outfit she really owns or if she just made it all up to fit the vibe. Nonetheless, let’s get into this mess.  

Discord Server “The Gang ✩*⋆ “ conversation 

@J3ss3 Today at 2.00am So if we get there at ten we might as well get snacks prior to that?

@Petals Today at 2.05am Oh my yes please! Everyone likes snacks. 

—> @Fallen_Jam joined the Server! Today 2.43am

@Fallen_Jam Today at 2.43am Hellou

@J3ss3 Today at 2.45am Yo bitch you made it! Happy welcome to you!

@Fallen_Jam Today at 2.45am THIS IS THE FUCKN FIRST THING YOU SAY TO ME??!!?

@Petals Today at 2.47am JAMES?!?! I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!! THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!

@Fallen_Jam Today at 2.48am Haha I get paid for that lol. I hope it wasn’t too bad of an experience for you though :/

Happy you liked the surprise tho!

@Petals Today at 2.50am I did yeah big big big thx! Also, I was about to order the tickets for the ice rink if you still wanna come with us. They have a group ticket so if you have another one we could save some money ^^

@J3ss3 Today at 2.45am Maybe Lucia likes to come? She’s super fun. I bet Petal would love her too!

@Fallen_Jam Today at 2.48am Aktually, let me recheck something. I’ll answer later, gtg doing some stuff. Cya!

That’s it. I could ask Ethan out to join us at the ice rink. Lucia is already busy with school and being famous, so he’d be the best standin. Apart from that. Jesse could check him out as well. I trust Jesse and, well, he’d been writing with Amadeus back then so getting their view on the situation might even help. And Jesse could already meet him, and the other way around. I mean, I’m not sure if he’s able to skate on ice but if he can’t he could hold my hand. This Idea might be the best I had in forever. 

All right, I’m going to ask him now. 

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Twenty Nine - One of Those Nights

Already? 

When I gazed at the clock on my wall I was more than surprised. I was on Petals registration for hours, at least that was what I thought. In reality I’ve hardly even scratched a full hour. I mean, it’s not even six. Well, it is relatively dark outside, and I have issues calculating the time in general, but that surprised me. It's been a while since I had so much freetime in the eve where I had actually nothing to do. There wasn’t any issue on school grounds that would need work, I have finished my room for now, I’m not really in the mood to play some games with Jesse and Sarah isn't home so I could’ve done something with her. I stood up and launched myself into my bed. I still had Lucia's tasks for this week on the table which are, more or less, almost kind of finished. She wasn’t that creative, just some connecting things with words and cute pics of the things she had drawn herself. And yes, I can’t believe it myself too but apparently everyone around me is able to draw at a decent level. I especially like how she’d drawn food. That’s the cool thing if you have so many creative people. Jesse, who is obviously awesome in general, is just amazing when it comes to forms and organics. Apart from that, they are the perfect storyteller and writer. They thought about creating a coming or a manga but they haven’t really started. However, with Petal being a huge Kpop fan, we might get to see a glimpse of Jesse's manga adventure and ohh boy am I hyped to see the outcome of that. Speaking of Petal, she’s creative too. I don’t want to say that it's obvious but she’s all about Kpop so of course she is awesome in doing all those things that are kawaii and cute. She’s also a proud owner of an Etsy shop, selling her own printed stickers, noteblocks, magnets, cups, mugs, keychains and so on. I only know that because after the talk with Jesse I instantly followed her insta where she just promotes everything. As far as I can tell, she’s doing all that on her own. Considering the fact she’s just nineteen is still blowing my mind. Back in Dover I had two friends who were also quite creative. Their names are Fynnick and Fynnrick, and yes, they are siblings. Also yes, I did think they were just joking. They don’t. Fynnick is a pure master when it comes to photography. And Fynnrick is just really good with old art history which is both hilarious. If you see them, you’d instantly know that they are siblings, despite the fact that they are complete opposites. Where Fynnick is dressed like a person out of some vintage movie, Fynnrick is a pure punk. But just visually. Fynnrick is a scholar, smart as hell, and knows so much. Funnik on the other hand is constantly out there partying. I always loved the time Jesse and I spent with them. Often we just sat on the roof of the local gas station and looked into the night sky. Of course we were drunk, at may or may not be that legal age, but it was nice. We talked for hours and hours and hours. The four of us were the biggest thing I ever had in a friend group. Sadly, things got pretty bad at their place. Ms. Chaster has coughed her man sleeping with someone else, another man. Worst of all, it was her ex-boyfriend. She was angry and so furious that she took the twins, went to the car and drove all the way to london. I haven’t seen them since. We do stay in contact over discord, but the two are really busy so I don’t really have time to chat with them or so. I mean, yeah it is sad, but on the other hand, they are blooming now. As far as I’m aware they become ambassadors for their school so that’s awesome! However I do think that Fynnrick did force Fynnick in that situation because as far as I’m aware Fynnick is not that interested in school anyways, never was to begin with. So often you could see all four of us sitting in the hallway copy pasting everything from Fynnrick since we didn’t want to do our assignments. I guess growing up really can destroy some friendships after all. Good luck Jesse isn't able to get rid of me. So much for that.

I put my phone down and stared at the fairy lights that were scattered all over the ceiling above my bed. And now? There wasn’t anything to do nor anything I wanted to do. It was dark already and, as usual for this time of the year, I felt my depression slowly making its way into my life again. I wasn’t really worried to be honest, I’m used to this by now. I haven’t noticed it at first since my life got that bussy but now I can definitely feel the emptiness inside me. I reached my phone and started booting up all I got. Tinder. Romeo, Hinge, Grindr, I bet you can see where this is going. Last time I opened any of those apps was when the one apartment I visited wasn’t there, but that was more out of frustration than whatever I think I’m doing now but well, I guess it will be one of those nights’ I’ll spend somewhere unknown with someone unknown. I swiped profile through profile, tapped people I thought looked good or hot and got messaged by so many people I wish I’d never seen. It didn’t take long and I had a whole small down of dudes ready on me for so many fantasies. Somewhere looking for a casual night out, a drink and cuddles, which sounded good. Others were more of the short time and were really on it to find someone to sex with. I myself am unsure what I’m even looking for. I wouldn’t say I’m looking for sexual content since but looking at some of those profiles I can definitely tell I’m getting hornier. And then there was that one dude that coughed my attention. Tall, black hair, lean but not skinny. His name is Jacques and to be fair, he could sex me right here on the table just because of that name. He had many pictures of himself in his profile. Multiple from the side, one from the front, two where he wore no shirt and flexed his abs and arms, one without his pants and shirts and 2 nudes that were hiding his D. He has a really nice ass. Since his profile got me really in the mood, I decided for a long shot and tapped him with the devil emoji in hopes that he responds. He did. He texted me with a nice Hi and a casual emoji before he shot his next message asking if I’m looking for something now due to the tap. I agreed and within a couple of seconds he granted me access to his private album and on top of that sent me a lot of pics of him. The pics were hot, full of nudity in a variety of different angles. He was huge, not kidding. After the pics he just wrote 22 just for you. I can definitely feel that I would enjoy this ride. I opened the album and got even more excited. The entire album was filled with sexscenes of him fucking people. And we are talking about ten videos at least. Okay, there is no need to hide, not that I could. I was solid rock hard and as much as I know me this won’t go away at all. I asked if he had time like right now and if he’d be ready to spend the rest of the night with me. 

Nothing. No answer, nothing. I wasn’t sure how to feel. Until I looked back at my phone. He sent me a link to maps that showed a hotel and again texted me saying  that I have to go to room E311, the door will be open and the lights will be out. I, kind of horny, asked him what happened then. He was typing. I felt how the hype inside of me started to grow. Then I just stared at the screen, speechless and overwhelmed by my feelings. The message he sent read a sexual practices das does not require consent, not that he would care. He must have read that on my profile, in which I listed what it was I consider hot during sex. I was more than ready. My D. was already getting wet, so I went to my wardrobe. I got completely undressed and only grabbed my pants. I took a tank top and a jacket and sent him a message that I’ll be right there before I made my way to the hotel. I reached the hotel about fifteen minutes later. It was huge so I spent about 5 mins to look for the elevator. I drove up to the third floor and looked at the chat again. He wrote again, another task. He wants to spice things up. He told me to go to the bathroom on this floor, which usually is for employees. He wanted me to leave all my stuff there, so I entered his room naked. I was thinking but since I didn't have any money or important stuff with me I like the idea more than I technically should. So I did what he had asked of me. I got out of the elevator and went looking for the restrooms. I crossed his room on the way so I kind of have to go a bit far naked in this otherwise empty hallway but to be honest, seeing the door already made me more into it. I finally reached the restroom right behind the corner. There was a bag with a letter XXX so I put everything in there. I took a deep breath and looked out the restroom. Noone there, perfect. I tried to hide my rock hard boner which worked more or less and in about what could be a minute I reached the room. 

The room was dark, the curtains were shut, and the only light I’ve seen was the bit of light that came from the door. Until there was a huge bang. The door was shut and I felt an indescribable feeling. A mix of fear and excitement. Out of nowhere I started hearing sounds that were behind me and with a blink of an eye I had one hand covering my mouth while the other was choking me till I passed out. Couple of seconds later, I was tied up to the bed, facing the matrace. The more I got aware of the situation, the more I realised that Jacques was already penetrating me with his fingers. I couldn’t tell how many, but at least three. I layed down, relaxing the session until I saw a slight silhouette in front of me. Hold on, if someone is fingering me and someone is in front of me, then there have to be two people in here. But I couldn’t even think this through. All of the sudden I felt touches everywhere on my body. I couldn’t tell how many there were by now. I was feeling hands, tongues and dicks everywhere. Suddenly the ropes were loose, got blindfolded from behind and flipped like a pancake. And then I noticed. One person was constantly choking me till I passes out while I got fucked buy what seems like a docent of man. I couldn’t say how I felt. I was hot but also in pain, but I enjoyed every last second of that situation.After a while I heard how the door opened and everyone got outside. The curtains were opened and a street light was shining in. the ropes were loosened and I was about to get up, when again, I got choked out. When I was back, the light was on, nothing else. The room was just like new. In the middle was the back with my stuff. I slowly climbed off the bed and grabbed my stuff. I looked at the time, it was four in the morning. I was here for eight hours. I looked at my phone. Jacques sent me a link to a video with the message “good boy”. The link led to a thirty minute video of this night. 

He turned this into a porn, so I can see what they did to me.

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Twenty Eight - Let Henry Cook

I got home by the next eve. 

Fuck Fuck FUCK. I can’t believe I made such a mistake during the registration. Even worse, no one has mentioned it to me besides the fact that I have been on campus for quite often because of that stupid door. Also everyone knows who I am and most of the teachers are supportive of the lgbtqia+ so I literally don’t get why this was plain left as “yeah this sure is right”. Ugh, okay. Let’s hope I find her in this mess of a registration. Okay, she’s new this year, this levels it down to about 8.000. Judging by what Jesse said and that they are learning together, I assume she’s in some sort of art class. Considering that they do it together I might first check out the Video Games Art and Design field. Okay let’s see…P. Nguyen…where…are you…. Usually I’d say that a name like this pops but since Royal Holloway is an international university it’s kind of tricky to find one specific person. 

HA! FOUND YOU. And I was right, she is in the new years Video Games Art and Design, literally one year under Jesse. So either Jesse teaches her or Jesse is still left off the last year, which could also be true. I see, and I can't believe it. There she is, with the wrong name and gender. Just for safety…where have I got her data from. Ah here we are, Beths Grammar School. Usually this school is very careful with the students' data. Okay, the issue might not have occurred, just let me check…. Yes, that’s exactly what I was afraid of. Back then Petal wasn’t registered by me. After all, I've been doing this job for almost three years leading to her being registered by whoever. That person may not have known, maybe Petal didn’t know herself. After all, she's just nineteen. Well all of that doesn't matter. Fact is, it’s wrong. I don’t know who to blame, maybe there isn’t even one. Alright let’s get Henry here and make this official now. 

While Henry was booting up, I made myself a cup of tea and looked for some music I could listen to. Usually the registration isn’t overly complicated, it’s just a lot of loading time. After all, Henry has to gather all the important information from the UK school cloud. I don’t really know if that’s the official name but that’s what I call it. Once I came back, I streamed Henry's screen on the wall and connected my tablet to the process. There is not really a need in doing that, it just feels a lot cooler when I can look around on my tablet and see everything move on the wall. I preferred a hologram yeah but I’m afraid that by the time I could use it, I’d be already dead. Instead I was able to program something that’s close to that. It’s just a visual mask anyways, just cooler. Everything is coloured in a variety of blue and white hues, a lot of lines attaching things and all. In the middle is the core, from where I can select the region and of course, the school I want to work with. After that I can select the school and get flooded with all classes and or courses, as well as an entire block full of staff members like teacher, headmaster, assistance and facility management. All schools get a unified sheet that tells them what I need in order to set up a student's profile which usually ends in me getting a huge email with all new students. Either it’s their first registration or I get already existing data from an older school they attended, which is the case of Petal right now. She got registered before the sheet was created, since, well I came up with that.I basically spend the entire first year of work to get all schools on the same level. The process of the registration is pretty simple, especially once there is already exciting data of the student. In Petals case it’s really not that hard.

1. Select the province In her case, that would be South East England. 2. Choose your school For SEE that would be about 3848 schools, though I did not do all of them. Some schools did not want to join this conjoined project so these schools are all registered elsewhere, which leaves me to roughly about 1500ish schools to take care of. After that it’s only some moves away to find Royal Holloway 3. Figure out the year and class Easy, first year of the Video Game Art and Design 4. And then, off to find the student you’re looking for.

Once you find them, all you have to do is some drag ‘n drop as well as a quick selection for the gender and boom! Waiting. Yep, now we have to wait at least two hours before the date is fully registered. I tried to make it faster but at this point I’m happy that Henry isn't frying themself. 

While I let Henry cook I decided it would be best for me to check on other schools as well. I noticed that some have small red dots on them, which means that in some places there is an error. Could be anything. A failed access, a support ticket for misinformation, something the teachers or staff want to change, it could literally be anything. Let me get a quick overview. A view of students who quit, not surprising after all it’s past autumn break so still early enough to figure out that you don’t like your course. I don’t blame them, I wouldn’t be able to go to university, I’m just not a learning person. That’s why, after graduation, I got from mini-job to mini-job before Jesse got me here. You’re probably wondering how often Jesse failed in order to still be stuck in university. Thing is, they didn’t fail. They already graduated from English and Creative Writing four years ago but unlike me, Jesse is more the theory type of person. They are a sucker for all mind related things, that’s why they love all creative stuff. I wouldn’t say that Jesse is smarter than I am, we just happened to have different things we’re good at. For Jesse that means being better in everything I wasn't able to but hey who’s counting right? But back to the topic. There is a teacher claiming a ticket about a staff member who got fired and who needs to be killed off the registration and access panel. And apparently one person is writing to me about…the next open days? Already? You have to see, Royal Holloway always offers an open day at least twice a year to give students the chance to see how everything looks and works. Usually that’s a great way but for me that just means stress ass fuck. Why do you ask? Well I have to loosen up most of the doors so all the students can take a look around. Almost everytime after the open day is over, staff and I struggle to get every access to what it was. The problem is in the software, which is not made to store data history. It’s living in the here and now since the storage just can’t support a huge cloud saving all data. Once the data is removed, you have to make it new. And with Henry's speed it takes at least two days to get everything back to normal. So good idea, unless you’re the one who has to take care of everything. Nonetheless, good that they inform me that early so I can try to get at least some kind of backup onto an external storage component. Will it work? Not sure but we can always try right. Anyways, back to Petal. Most of her data is already transmitted, which is good. Now it just has to be registered at her keychain, which should be done once she touches any of the nobs. I think that’s all done for now. I’ve thrown the tablet on my bed and left Henry online so that the data can be transmitted without any issues.  In the meantime I messaged Jesse to keep them up to date and instruct them with a nice way to surprise Petal. 

Usually registered people can’t see their profile, since that is for data safety and only for my and the headmistress's eyes. However since I am the one in charge of all of that I can sometimes play a little with all the codes and programming I can. It’s pretty easy. Inside the Founder Building are a variety of smart info boards that will let any person know where to find a certain classroom, teachers office and so on. However there ain't many of those installed yet, since it’s still in development. But since I am responsible for almost all data I am also taking part in that very developer team. Anyways, I managed to program one of those info points to showcase Petal her new Registration, complete with her face ID Name, age and gender. I’ve chosen the Infoprint with the least amount of people looking at it, which is the one in front of the founders art gallery. People walk in there yeah but since it’s more of a dead end everyone knows how to get in and out. The only thing Jesse has to do is to make sure that petal is touching any of the nobs so the data can transfer and then to instantly take her to the infopoint. All she has to do is hold her keychain against the detector and there we go. Is that allowed? I’m not sure at all. I’m probably walking on edge but if I can make her a nice surprise then I’m sure as hell will do so. And even if someone should read me out, I can still explain myself that I just wanted to surprise her. Most teachers would understand that and support me so I should be fine. 

I just hope Jesse dosn’t fuck this up. I know they don’t mean it that way but Jesse is a very chatty person and often says stuff that could’ve been avoided. They can keep secrets, if they are really personal, but surprises are ready for them. Most of the time they just get so excited that they tell everything purely out of some unrelated context. But, judged by how much Petal means to Jesse, they will keep it a surprise. I mean, it’s still obvious to Petal that they have in fact something they would love to talk about, since Jesse's body language and face sometimes says more than their words but well, could be worse I guess. Nonetheless I am happy I did that, and that Jesse told me. I’m still pissed at the staff though. I can only hope they at least used the right name and that if not, they at least be very sorry now. But well now it’s for me to wait. 

Until then, I hope she likes her little surprise.

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Twenty Seven - P.Nguyen

The bathroom was covered in steam.

I helped Jesse get out of the bathtub before I rubbed them dry and converted them from head to toe in towels. Jesse wasn’t really a Fan of that but I couldn’t care less. Both of us went downstairs to get some food. I found some salmon and avocado so I decided to prepare some sushi bowls for us. Still, I was really worried about Jesse. I haven’t seen them in a condition like that in ages. They are all, distante. It’s almost like they have been drinking a lot recently. After I prepared dinner both of us sat down on the sofa, watching some shows. As I was about to get us some snacks I noticed that Jesse was already sleeping. I know what I was about to do was wrong but I couldn’t resist. Something was wrong, they were not just sick. There was more to the feeling of Jesse so I decided to look around their room. But sadly, there wasn’t any hint of what could have happened to them the last few days. I do have to admit that I wasn’t digging. I did not want them to know that I’ve been sneaking around. I went down with no hints whatsoever. They haven’t been drinkin, I’d smell that, so it must be something else. I went back down where Jesse was still sleeping in the living room. I laid myself next to them and waited till I would fall asleep. 

The next morning was rather chill. Jesse seemed normal, no fever or anything like that. Even more promise that they aren't ill. I made us some pancakes for breakfast and coffee while Jesse freshed themself up in the bathroom. They came back with a white towel around their neck and another one wrapped around their hips. We both sat at the dinner table and ate in silence until I broke it.

James: Sooo, you’re doing better now? Jesse: For now yeah, sorry about yesterday. James: What was the issue? I thought you were sick, possibly drunk but nothing? Jesse please tell me what’s up with you. It’s more than just school stress isn’t it? Jesse: You might be right with that. James: You know you can tell me right? Jesse: It’s complicated. I don’t understand it myself. James: I mean you can try? Maybe I can help you figure stuff out? Jesse: Well, I picked up a friend of mine from the Beast and Prey. She had a date which, sadly, wasn’t really nice. Turns out the girl she met was straight. James: Damn that sucks, hard. Jesse: I know, but I think I made it even worse. James: What could you’ve possibly done to make that worse? Jesse: Well, when we were on the late night bus to Egham, we were talking, alot. My friend, her name’s Petal, she slept on the bus after ten minutes. But her date, Rita, was up the entire time. Rita and I have been talking, talking a lot. She’s in some courses I planned on joining so we talked about that. And even apart from that, we had a lot of stuff incommand. After we got Petal back home, Rita asked me if I wanted to stay over at her place. James: Please don’t say you’ve hooked up with the date of your friends, that would be ass Jesse: No, we didn’t. We just talked, alot. The more we talked the closer we got. But it got to a point where both of us were quite flirty. Rita has been single for a while now, and so am I. I mean we haven’t agreed on anything but it kind of seems like we are dating now. James: And what did your friend, Petal, say? Jesse: It’s safe to assume that she wasn’t a fan of it when she found out that I overslept at her date’s place. I mean, I get it, but still. She ragged at me and went full on furries, once again, I got it. But I didn’t know how to cope. I like Rita, I really do, and I don’t want to stop seeing her just because of her. But wouldn’t it be a massive ass move to pull something like that? I just, I don’t know. My head’s been spinning so hard so I took some of that med yesterday. Turns out that doctors are right when they only give you something when you need it. I’m really sorry for yesterday. James: Don’t be. On a strange and weird side, I can understand. Jesse: So you’re not mad at me? James: Nah, you did what you had to do. Did it help though? Jesse: I have no idea. I still don’t know how to talk to Petal or how to approach a conversation. She’s hurt, badly, and it’s all me to blame. James: Don’t be so hard on yourself. If she really is a friend of yours, she’ll get over it. Jesse: I hope you’re right. James: So…how come I never met Petal before? She seems like a lovely person. Jesse: Oh she is. She joined Royal Holloway last summer, ever since we spent a lot of time together studying and so on. And hey, I didn’t know about Lucia either, so it’s fair that you know nothing about Petal. James: Wait, you said she’s new this year? Jesse: *mumbles* Yeah?

Jesse shoved a big piece of pancake into their mouth

James: That’s strange. You know what school she’s from? Jesse: No, she’s not really happy talking about old times. Why are you asking all that? James: Because I have had no registration for a Petal this entire year. Jesse: You sure you haven’t just forgotten about it? James: Petal is a name I’ve never seen or heard before. Besides it is a lovely name I’d make sure I’d remember. Jesse: Now that you’re saying it. There was some struggle with her access cards. James: Oh really? Jesse: Yeah, apparently the entire school system only recons her with her old dead name and wrong gender. James: Wait seriously? Jesse: Yeah, I know fucked up right? Who ever has set up her profiles must be a jerk James: Jesse? Hello? I’m responsible for everything in the registration. It’s my fault that her entire school identity is wrong. Jesse: But how does that happen? James: I feed the system with the data I get from the previous school. This means no one in the old school cared to change the name or gender. Therefore I got the wrong data. If I would’ve known I would’ve changed it already. I know you’re not supposed to ask a question like that but do you know the dead name of Petal? Jesse: Sorry, I don’t. The only thing I know is that the initials are the same. So it must be someone with the name P. Nguyen. James: Well, that should be doable. Pls don’t tell her anything but give me till early next week and her profile is up to date. Jesse: That sounds amazing! Maybe that way she’s less pissed about the fact that I’m dating Rita. James: I wouldn’t go that far but sure you never know. Just, don’t take meds you shouldn’t take Jesse: Yeah mum, I go that now.

Jesse and I laughed before doing the dishes and just watching some shows. I haven’t told them about Ethan yet, since they are too much into the current Petal vs Rita drama. I still feel like shit because I ruined Petals school profile. That must mean that all the teachers have been either deadnaming her or she went to everyone before a lecture to confirm they wrote it down on a stick note. Jesse had shown me pictures of Petal. She's a really beautiful woman. Taller then I am, mid long hair with purple coloured tips and a tattoo on her shoulder that I couldn’t identify. She looked really young. Oh and maybe to add, you can see that she is a massive fan of Kpop. Her entire outfit screams tokyo streetwear and the makeup and all is really adding a lot to that. 

Jesse also showed me the Insta of Rita. I think the best way to describe Rita would be to point at Alex from the game Life is Strange. They could be siblings. Just like Petal, Rita is also really pretty. She’s like the complete opposite of Petal. Judging on the pics and the things Jesse told me about them, I can see why they get along so well with each other. 

Jesse: Hey, if you want I could get Petal and you to meet? There is a new Icerink that will open near the Beast and Prey so I thought maybe we could go there? James: Ice skating? It’s been ages since I’ve done that Jesse: If I remember right, you are a pro. James: Well, I don’t know if I am still a pro but, I would join! Jesse: Perfect, that sounds like a promising meeting. That way you can tell Petal the news about the registration. James: Yeah, while telling her that I’m the one who fucked up. Jesse: Well… you don’t have to tell her that. You can just say that it’s been reported to you by teachers.

Both of us laughed again while we were still talking about the Icerink. We haven’t set up a date yet, but I’m sure it’ll be a fun time.Till then, I got to fix her registration.

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Twenty Six - Pixel, Sniffer and Lucian

*But it's such a waste of time to think*.

I removed my head from the glass pane it was leaning on the moment I reached my destination while “Arrow” by polite fiction was blasting through my headphones. It’s about midday and most of the bad weather has already cleared up. I mean it was still cold, and the wind was gently waving bushes left and right, but the rain has gone, so I am happy. The bus stop is about 3 blocks away from Jesse's house. Enough time to think about all the stuff I wanted to tell them. Honestly, I went here to surprise them as a thankyou for helping me with the move but things got rather interesting the last two days so there is alot to report. Though I am not really sure if telling them about Ethan is the right step. I mean, we shared not even 10 messages, there are still enough reasons this whole thing could simply not work out. I mean, I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend anyways so why tell them. I mean, sure they are my best friend but if I would tell them about every person I meet even Jesse would consider me as a sexworker. I mean, they wouldn’t blame me, they’d just be surprised. Nonetheless I’m not telling them. I wouldn’t have told Lucia if she wouldn’t be the person that initiated this whole thing in the first place. I still don’t know if that was a good, or bad Idea. Whatever. 

While walking I also messaged Sarah that I will be back in less than 48 hours, so she’s not too worried. She probably isn't but I agreed to help her paint the wall so it would be kind of an ass move to not show up without informing her. I asked her if it would be possible to wait till I’m back since I really do enjoy painting walls. And yes, I know. If I like painting then why the fuck have I ordered Jesse to paint my own? Well, first things first, I didn’t know they’d be there. Second, they are better. Third, because I simply can. Also I love looking at Jesse painting. It’s so chill, so artistic no they are so chill and artistic…so…nice. And Jesse likes it too and I much rather have them painting a wall then smashing some of my favourite  plants or picture frames. Don’t get me wrong it’s not that I don’t trust them but they can be really clumsy especially if they are holding stuff from others. You can also see that in their place. Because of that, they kind of became a pro in kintsugi. Aka everything they drop, they’ll fix it with gold. It’s really pretty. I mean I did not intend to have a lamp with gold cracks all over but it’s pretty. And yes, they did drop my lamp, twice. On the other hand, my bath now has a really fancy lamp that wasn’t even worth twenty soo I guess Jesse did eventually break something without me bothering too much about it. Nonetheless, there it is, the house of the Owens. Back in the days I always asked my mom “Oh when Can i be at the Owens, Oh when.” I never mentioned my humour was good, but Jesse always laughed about it no matter how crappy it might be. It was a classic house you’d expect in england.Lot’s of bricks on top of each other, a door and several windows. The front door always had a seasonal door wreath which the two made. It’s kind of a tradition around their family. I almost got hit by the door when I was trying to ring. It was Charles, running out of the house like it was on fire. Actually, he was in such a hurry that he knocked me over, leaving me to stumble and fall backwards into the small bushes that were planted alongside the way to the house.

Charles: OH MY GOODNESS JESSE I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU I AM SO SO SORRY!!! James: Ahahaha *snort* Charles: Wait, you’re not my child! Even worse I am so so so so so James: Charles, hey it’s fine haha Charles: Wait, say that again? James: Hand? Please? Charles: OH MY GOD JAMES! Hi, how are you? It's been soooo long! James: Hi big guy. Is everything fine? You seem in a hurry? Charles: Ah I missed the plane anyways, but How are you it’s freezing outside lets get in - Charles: Here, for you. Still like it that way right? James: Yeah, you always made the best hot white choc Charles: Well they do call me the hot choc master James: Uh hu, sure Charles: No really, back in kindergarten, I made the best choc. It was not drinkable, but it looked nice! But, how come you are here? James: Well, actually I wanted to surprise Jesse but it seems like they are not around Charles: Yeah, they meet up with a friend from school. A bit like you too did back in the days. Do you miss it? James: Can I be honest? I’m not really sure. Alot of stuff was shitty, but I had good memories too. And I can’t blame everything on my shit dad or my addict mom so Charles: Is…is Mildret back in rehab? James: Not sure, could be. Charles: Haven’t you talked with her? James: Ha, no. She helped me with the move and that was the last time I’ve seen her. Charles: I see. James: I know it must be strange to you and Jesse not to have a mother around so, I’m sorry if it makes you feel strange. Jesse never told me what happened to their mom, you…wife? Sorry I shouldn’t have said that. Charles: It’s fine, no hard feelings kid. She died when Jesse was way too little to remember her. Ever since we got just the two of us.I think we did well, haven’t we? James: OH no you did awesome. Jesse turned out so amazing. Charles: Haha, thanks. Sometimes I think I might have been a shit dad myself, but they never have been mean about me always being on the run. James: Speaking of, where were you heading when I came here? Charles: Oh nothing big, just a flight. I’ll catch the next one. James: but isn’t Charles: OH FUCK

Charles jumped off, grabbed his bag, hugged me and then hurried out the door like when I was there. Thistime, he made it without any incidents. I heard a voice fading in the distance

Voice: Hi Dad - Voice: Bye Dad

 I’ll be honest, I was quite curious about what happened at the front of the house. I grabbed the closest blanket, threw it around me like a cape, grabbed my pot of hot choco and went to the door. Charles left in such a hurry so the door was still left wide open. I’ve decided to just stand in the door, facing the street. I’ve seen how Charles got into his car and drove off, but I’ve also seen Jesse getting closer to the house. They had headphones on and if there is one thing we both have in command it’s that we hear or nothing besides the music, so I wasn’t surprised that it took Jesse so long to see that I was standing in the door.

Jesse: JAMES! YOU? HERE? James: Yeah it be I Jesse: Oh my good it’s gold get in or else you’ll get sick. James: Yes  lad Jesse: Oh fuck off. Who let you in? James: Ehm? Charles? Who else is the neighbourhood kitten? Jesse OH have you seen them? They have like 3 little cats all grey. I named them Pixel, Sniffer and Lucian. Coffee? James: I’m ehm, fine? Are you though? You seem almost as stressed as your dad Jesse: Oh me? Nah I’m fine I’m just cold ass fuck James: Wait, you’re cold? What can happen? Jesse: Duh? I mean when I get sick, the first thing that happens is that I get cold. But no worries, that’s only for the first 48 hours, after that I’m back on heat. Mind if I take a bath? James: Damn you must be really sick Jesse: Huh? James: Since when do you ask? Jesse: Because? Ugh here, that’ll keep you warm

Jesse handed me a cup of coffee, even though I disagreed like not even ten minutes ago. But they do seem all over the place. Oh well, maybe school. Lucia said that a lot of teachers, mentors and so on are really stressing their teens with lessons. With a cup in each hand and the blanked still all over me I followed Jesse into the bath upstairs. When I arrived at the door Jesse was already standing in front of the bathtub, only in their olive coloured Calvin Klein underwear. The water was filling and Jesse was adding liquid that started to bubble as soon as it touched the water's surface and within seconds the entire house had a scent of cherry and perfume all over. I took a seat in front of the bathtub as Jesse walked into the water. I leaned my head on the border, so did Jesse. The entire house was silent. I heard Jesse slowly breathing in, and out. In…and out. The speed of the breathing was as calm as a soft wind on a summer day in spring. It felt like the both of us would lay on a grassy hill…just after school.

When…..When the sunStarted to uhm…..Sun…hehe shiny sun.

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Twenty Five - Poor Bagle

Rather chill.

After I explained to Lucia why it was smelling like weed all over her place, both of us got dressed and went to townsquare to a really nice bagel store to have breakfast. We each took a seat at the bar in front of the big massive window. Lucia pulled out her Laptop and started taking notes. She always does that during breakfast since that is her most efficient time of the day when it comes to writing. While I ordered a classic salmon-cream cheese bagel Lucia had the urge to feel extra fancy and got one with avocado and fried egg on the side. The waitress brought Lucia her caramel latte and a chai latte for me. Lucia was focused on her notes, so we barely talked. It wasn’t strange or anything. Lucky stuff like that doesn't feel weird with Lucia anymore. We kind of passed that level of friendship. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket to check my news and messages. One message from insta and 3 on discord. I was worried. I didn’t see a name or anything. What if all three messages are from Ethan, and how shitty I am that I have not talked to him for a while now. I took a sip of my chai latte while opening instagram. A new follower request? I opened the profile of that other person and struggled to keep the latte in my mouth. Ethan?! Right, I had my socials in my discord information, he must have checked them. 

I browsed through his profile while we got our bagels. I grabbed on half of the freshly made and definitely toasted bagel and started munching on it. I look above my phone while browsing through Ethans insta only to discover that Lucia is devouring her bagel like she hasn’t been eating for a week. Poor bangle. I kept looking and saw many cute photos of him. Some are with friends, others only with him and others are from his job. Damn, he is really good at being a barista. His creations are marvellous. Right as I wanted to leave a follow he uploaded a new story. I instantly look it up. It was him, in the cafe holding a cup of coffee while wearing headphones, staring out the window. It was an awesome photo. The caption read “soon” so I assume this will be a later post for his insta. I surely hope because whoever took that photo was doing a really great job. But, now that my insta mystery was all solved, it was time to check discord. 

One message was from Jesse, and two from Etahn. I’ve decided to make a small and little Ethan break and check what Jesse has been up to. Turns out, not too much. They were just checking if I am fine since we haven’t had writing for like three days. They always do that, thankfully tho. That way they keep my mind at bay. I simply wrote back that I have been at Lucias and that things are working as they should. I was thinking of telling them about Ethan but since it is probably just a silly crush, saying something now would come off strange. At least for me. What if he ghosts me after a few days and I look like the biggest hoe. Nah, I’ll leave it be. I’ll inform them once there is good progress that I can show without worrying it might be over soon. The waitress came over again, apparently Lucia was giving her a hand signal. I checked her plate. All eaten up. I was still holding my first half of the bagel. Either she is really hungry or I am being very slow here. Turns out Lucia is just really hungry, since, well she ordered a 5 Stack pancake, an orange juice and a glass mimosa. I instead just asked for a hot white chocolate with whipped cream. When I tried asking Lucia she just hizzed at me like a wild animal. Yep, she is not hungry, she is also not hangry, she is hurries. I like the word. It’s a mix of hungry and furries and most of the time way more accurate than hangry. 

Anyways, back to Ethan. Here’s what he had to say.        

Discord conversation 

@Fallen_Jam Yesterday at 11.50pm

Anyhow, I hope this wasn’t any strange, sorry again for that kind of first entrance I am not really good with that^^”

@GreenOtter Today at 6.30pm

Oh don’t you worry, it was all good. I’m actually surprised that someone like your friend would pull off a trick like that. I tip my crown, she did well. And hey, it worked. I mean we did write a few lines back and forth, that’s more than what happened without her doing that. I think you can be proud of her. Anyhow I got to get ready for work. Coffee will be served at 8 and I got a long way. I am, however, sorry I messaged you that late. I’m already on the train since I was in a hurry. Kind of a long way from Burgess Hill to Egham but it’s worth the trip.  

@GreenOtter Today at 6.50pm

Oh and if you ever wanna come around, just message me before, so I can schedule my break so we can hang a bit better. Alright, have a good day!

Well that was surprisingly smooth. I did not expect him to understand that. Man, he really is a charm. Wait, hold that thought. Burgess Hill? That’s on my way too? Are you kidding me? Ethan lives not even twenty minutes away from us and met at work? I mean we probably have been on the train together multiple times before. How come I’ve never seen him before. I mean, he kind of sticks out with his pointy fluffy blond hair. And he is pretty. What is wrong with me?

Lucia: What’s on your mind? James: Nothing, just. How long haven’t you been eating haha Lucia: You also eat slowly. Here I left a pancake extra for you. Need help with your bagel? James: Well that’s mine now. And no, I take it with me for the ride to windsor. Lucia: Right, you wanted to go to Jesse’s place. What bus did you want to take? James: I think I will take the one from town square, I’m too tired to walk that much. Lucia: Well, you’ve been gone yesterday eve. Was everything fine? Or did you walk for two hours? James: It was fine, I sat most of the time, I just needed to think, that’s it. Lucia: About Ethan? Did he write anything or? James: He said I should be proud of you for pulling a trick like that. Lucia: OH did he? Well you should. After all, I am a wingwoman.   James: Yeah right? Well remind me, how long have you been single for? Lucia: WHOA that's low. I told you I sold my soul to science. I have no time for a partner. James: But you go out so often. How come you’ve never found someone. Lucia: Okay this might be hard for you but that’s because I just don’t give a damn about people. Sorry not sorry. And sorry to disappoint but as an Aro/Ace person I prefer learning. The parties I go to are more like social studies for me. And who said I’m not allowed to have fun with friends. James: I see. Lucia: I really have no time. I’m trying so hard to achieve the best outcome. I already told you that I do this because of my brother. James: Yeah I know. How’s he? Lucia: Well, he’s keeping up. He’s not well but he didn’t get worse. I try to reach out to him twice a week but sometimes my parents won’t let him. James: Aren't they in the medical field as well? They should have known better. Lucia: They should. Now it’s on me. James: You’ll get it. Waitress: Sorry to interrupt, is everything fine? James: Yeah thanks. I’d like to pay then please. Waitress: Very well. James: Oh and, could you bag this up for me? I want to eat it on the way. Waitress: Sure. I’ll be right back Lucia: James what the hell? James: You paid yesterday, now was my turn. Lucia: Fine.

Lucia and I got dressed while I waited for the bill. The bill was rather high but I haven’t bought that much this month so it’s fine with me. I grabbed the bagel and we left the building. We went straight to the bus stop. Lucia kept waiting with me, before we hugged goodbye once I saw the bus. I got in, grabbed my  phone, grabbed my headphones and hit up spotify. 

In a few I’ll be at Jesse’s.

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Twenty Four Reprise - Somewhere in Between Something

I am confused.

I mean this is nothing new but this time it is different. I thought I knew what would happen…have the perfect plan in mind on how I would speak to one I think is cute and yet I’m not even able to manage it or think of something to write. I try to be funny, but that could be misinterpreted. I try to avoid a lot of emojis…but then I could come across rude. I wanna know more but I don’t want to come off like he’s all I think of. I don’t want to annoy him. Lucia is already sleeping but I can’t. I couldn’t be any more awake. Sleeping? Now? Never. I took my phone off the charger and grabbed the spare key from her accommodation before I left her a note on the door saying I needed a walk. I jumped in some pants and grabbed a jumper before heading outside. The rain was over and the wind wasn’t there anymore. The park lights were still on so I didn’t have to struggle walking in the dark. I don’t have a plan on where to walk or what to do. I just needed to clear my mind but I don’t even know how to do that. My mind’s spinning ever since Lucia and I have been at the cafe. Not only thinking about Ethan but also thinking about all the other shit that happened. I didn’t notice it at first but I started crying. It made no sense why I was crying or what for, maybe just mental stress. Fuck. Who knows anything about that. Let’s face the facts. I moved yeah but I didn't grow older, or wiser. This new place helps yeah but I have to put in the afford too but I don’t even know where to start. I was thinking about therapy but I’m not so sure if I have the will for that yet. I walked to a close bench and sat down, doing nothing besides leaning backwards and looking at the night sky. I looked at my phone. Midnight. I have been awake all day and yet I am not near sleeping. I wanted to keep everything in line, keeping everything up to date and now something simple as a boy happens and I stop doing this. Doing the one thing I thought would help. I can’t. I sit around staring at my screen trying to come up with a good way to put everything in words but I simply can’t. I left Ethan on the read since we exchanged the first message because I’mn afraid. Sarah didn't bother answering me and so did Jesse. I folded my hands together and slammed my face in them. 

Stranger: May I sit here?

All of the sudden a man appeared and asked if he could have a seat. I offered him a seat and faced back towards my knees, continuing my sobbing. I wasn't tired but I was damn sure I was exhausted from all this thinking. I mean I know that I am an overthinker but that is literally a new level and I do not like it at all. I feel so wrong crying right now because I’m ashamed of it but because it makes no sense. People cry when they are hurt, but I’m far away from being hurt. I have a new place, my personal new beginning and even a possible new friend and or even a boyfriend and my soul isn’t satisfied with any of this. I don’t know what it is that I need in order to help it but something is going wrong right now and I really don’t like it. I tried to cry less so the man next to me wouldn't think that something bad happened but before I could even clear my eyes I felt him leaning closer and slowly asking me if everything was fine, or if I needed anything. I didn’t. And even if I needed something I wasn’t even close to pinpoint it to what I truly need. The man leaned back and stared right at the light of the streetlamp in front of us.

Stranger: You know. I have been there too. I thought I was brave. It thought I was tough, but in reality I wasn’t able to manage anything the way I wanted it to. And I’ll be honest with you, this fact alone pissed me off so much. I was getting annoyed by myself, I felt like every approche I took was an error. But it wasn’t. And figuring that out was part of a really rough and painful journey. James: Sorry, but how exactly- Stranger: How exactly do I know what happened to you? I guessed. James: But how? Stranger: Well as said, I have been just like you. I’ve seen you approach the bench, I was sitting a way back. I read your body. You were not angry, so I crossed off a breakup very fast. You seemed exhausted and or overwhelmed. I kind of went lucky with the rest. James: So all you’re saying is you have no clue whatsoever? Stranger: I wouldn’t say that. I am, after all, a verified caretaker. James: A caretaker? Stranger: Yep. James: So what are you taking care of? Stranger: Oh like right now? Noone. I’m currently off, that’s why I was out in the first place. I was supposed to meet a friend at the bar over there but they called in sick at the very last moment. Nothing of a big deal. I ordered some snacks and drinks before I got outside. That was when I saw you arriving. James: And so you decided to approach me out of nowhere? Stranger: Not really. I want to do a good deed everyday. I thought you needed help. Or maybe just someone to talk with. Best things happen when you don’t expect them and make spontain and irrational decisions. Getting closer to you may seem strange but for me it’s not at all.  And hey, you haven’t pushed me off so far so all fine. Do you mind?

The stranger grabbed into their poked and got what I assume was a joint.

James: No, all fine. Stranger: Oh, how unfriendly of me. You want one?

I was unsure, I’ll be honest. I never smoked but I don’t really have anything against weed. On the other hand, maybe that’s what my soul could need. 

James: I’m not sure if I’m honest. Stranger: All fine, I won't seduce you. But if you want you can ask. James: Thanks. Well maybe. One thing Stranger: Oh yeah, of course I can move aside. James: No, don't. I was wondering if, you know Stranger: You want to try it or? James: No, I mean, not really. Ehm, would you be as kind to blow out into my direction?

The Stranger started laughing out loud. But I mean it. I’d like to try it but be more passive. Maybe it’s just the way I asked or, I don’t know.

Stranger: All right kiddow, but don’t expect so much out of it. Just come a bit closer. If you don’t like it please tell me instantly. James: Yes, I will. 

He took a huge breath in and breathed out just inches away from my face. I could feel the warm air on my face and smell everything. It was, in fact, chilly.

Stranger: You like that? Or is that what you want? James: Yes exactly. If you don’t mind. Stranger: I don’t haha. Soo, you’re a non-smoker? James: I am, yes. I am a passive enjoyer though. It calms. Stranger: So you let smokers blow you in the face on a regular basis? James: Haha no. with tabac I prefer to not stand directly in the smoke. And to be honest you are the first one. I just wanted to try it. Stranger: And? Are you satisfied? James: I….I think I am. It really calmed me down. 

I am not kidding. I haven’t been that relaxed in the last few days. I don’t think it is cannabis but maybe a really good placebo effect. Nonetheless, I am more than relieved to finally feel like my mind stopped and I can just be me. 

James: I know this might be really random but ehm, who are you. Stranger: Oh my god where are my manners! I am so sorry. My name is Midas and as already said, I am a caretaker for people, mostly teens though, that struggle in school and are in danger of following a path that will lead them to a lot of mental and physical self destruction. Almost like a therapist. James: That’s why you figured it out so well. Midas: Yes, that might be the case. But it seems like you are all fine now. 

He chucked the joint on the street before throwing it in a bin. He helped me up and without asking gave me a big hug. He was taller than Jesse, but also had more mass. If he had a beard he would go through as a bear. I gave him my phone and he tipped in his insta, in case I ever needed a call, a friend or just someone to smoke with. I kept sitting for a while before going back to Lucia's place. This helped, someone as strange as Midas who would just talk with me. 

I entered the accommodation and got out of the clothes in the bathroom and kept the window open, so her flat wouldn’t be full of the smell of weed. Couple of seconds later I slept as well

Lucia: WHY TF DOES EVERYTHING SMELL LIKE WEED?!?

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Twenty Four - Somewhere in Between Something

I don’t know what to do.

Seriously I have no Idea what I am supposed to do now. I never thought this strange trick from Lucia would’ve actually been useful. Stuff like this only happens in movies or some sort of teenage growing up relationship thing and I am sure as hell that I ain’t in such a story. Against all laws of a clear mind I skipped the message and took an investigating look at his profile. His picture showed him at some kind of party. Lots of lights and people everywhere. He wasn’t standing, but sitting, the ground was blurry in the background. He sat on the top of a bench which was leaning against a small wall, one foot stood on the bench while the other one was laying all out. He was holding a lighter and just stared at the flame. It’s a really cool picture if you ask me. The name was the same, Green Otter. I highly believe that Otter isn't his second name but I also couldn’t figure out what it could be. His pronouns are he/him, but I’ve already known that one from the cafe. There was also a status he filled out. 

“somewhere in between something”

I’m not sure where that is aiming at but I like the sound of it. And that was kind of it. He didn’t have any information in his profile besides an emoji of an otter. I get it though, they are cute as hell. So, if we gather all the information we know that his name is Ethan something Green, He’s a tall blond guy who works in a cafe near school grounds. He likes otters, which is a cute fact to know and he likes to go to parties. That isn’t really what I assume as much information but well it has to do. After I scanned his profile I decided to look at his message and at least to give him an answer. I don’t know what I’ll write so I guess I’ll be freestyling that one. 

Discord conversation 

@GreenOtter Today at 9.50pm

Hi If I am honest, I don’t really know how to start this. I found this user tag on one of the bills from today. I am sorry but I can’t really pin it down to a person just yet. There has been a lot going on today so I thought I would use this opportunity to get my mind off work. My name is Ethan by the way, nice to maybe meet you(?) hope I didn’t make this strange!

@Fallen_Jam Today at 10.07pm

I…I don’t even know what to say too. This was the Idea of a friend of mine. She wanted to connect us somehow. I guess it worked. My name’s James, nice to meet you too Ethan. 

Well that went better than I anticipated. I told Lucia all about what just happened which facing the fact isn't a lot to be fair. Nonetheless Lucia was already rooting for us saying that that is the first step into something that can be a relationship. If you can’t tell, she’s manifesting it and I am not sure whether or not I like that. She is all over it, literally. Lucia is such a sucker when it comes to anything that involves even the slighted spark of romance. I never fully understood her to be honest. I think I only ever loved one person, which fucked me up. Twice. But she doesn't know him. Only Jesse does. I asked Lucia if it would be cool for me to crash at her place for the night, which she thankfully agreed on. Yes I know I wanted to visit Jesse but I don’t really in the mood to drive this late. We both finished up the pizza and got ready for bed. 

Let’s see what tomorrow holds. 

(Today has been shorter than usual due to personal issues, I still wanted to keep you guys up to date. Pls don’t be mad, next thursday will be just as usual)

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Twenty Three - Pizza Night

I was petrified, unable to speak.

This waiter was even prettier closeup. I know very well that to be a good looking person you also kind of have to be kind but damn he was fine. The nametag on his chest said. E.O.Green, He/Him. I like it when basically any shop does that, I mean, including the pronounce, very important. E.O. Green…I wonder what his real name is tho? Especially since it appears to be a double name which, personally, I really like.

Waiter: Soo? Everything okay? Lucia: Yeah I’ll pay for both. Waiter: Oh that's some kind of date then? Lucia: OH NO haha. He's a really good friend, and he’s gay so. Waiter: I see, well good to know. Lucia: So, the bill then? Waiter: Oh yeah of course! Here you go. Waiter B: ETHAN, I NEED HELP OVER HERE Waiter: Sorry, just put the money in the book, have a great day. Lucia: Thanks, you too. Lucia: [...] Lucia: JAMES HELLOU???? James: WHAT Lucia: You like, did your body lost your soul for a few here or what was that? James: Haha, what do you mean? Lucia: You were stone. I kicked you under the table like twice, no sign of any reaction. Are you good? James: I had…other stuff to do. Lucia: Like what? James: Thinking about him. Lucia: Well next time just pay attention. His name is Ethan, he brought us the bill that I have to pay. James: Ethan is a really nice name. Lucia: JAMES ARE YOU SANE?! James: Couldn’t be any better. Lucia: Okay you like lovestruck as hell right now. Wait, Idea. You got a pen on you? James: Sure why? Lucia: Just some shenanigans. James: Sure, here. Lucia: Perfect! James: What are you doing? Lucia: I’ll leave him a note. Maybe that calms you.

She was right though, I was love stuck, and not small either. This only ever happened once, back when I used to go to Dover school before I had to move to Truham. But since then, nothing. Lucia laid the bill as well as the money in the book, handed me my pen and both of us went outside, back to campus. I promised I’ll take her to her accommodation before heading home but, if I am honest, I kind of want to drive to Jesse for a quick stop, just for a day or twoo. Since the library is fixed now there shouldn’t be any issues with that. We went into Lucia's home which she usually shares with a roomy, though she’s currently sick at her parents place. Apparently some kind of infarction which, as a biology student, she didn’t want to bring to the entire class. Lucia sat crossed leg on her chair while spinning a view, meanwhile I layed down on the bed and looked at the ceiling. 

Lucia: Sooo, that Ethan huh? You think he’s hot. James: OH MY GOD! Do we really have to talk about that? Lucia: James you haven’t seen yourself it was like, watching you developing a marriage in your mind within three minutes of sight. I’m Italian, you can’t lie to me about love amore. James: Okay. He may or may not be  my type, like almost 100 percent. Lucia: So that’s your type then huh? James: Well, I don’t think I really have a type. But I also only ever had one Boyfriend and he kind of shared the same hair as Ethan does. I don’t know, I'm just confused. Lucia: Yeah, love can be difficult. James: Wrong, feelings can never be good with those kinds of things. Lucia: Kind of guessed that. James: Okay outsh? That was unnecessary. Lucia: I’m just messing around. James: I know I know. Oh, by the way, what have you been writing on the bill? That he can keep the change? Or did you tip him? Lucia: Even better! James: What could be better than a tip? Lucia: I just scribbled your number and discord on the bill.

I istendly spit all my water out again and started heavily caughting.

James: HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?! Lucia: What, if he’s interested he’ll reach out. If not, I tried. James: I couldn’t even talk to him, Lucia. What in the hell am I supposed to do when he really reaches out?! I can’t just start a conversation with *ohh look I’m the weird dude from a few days ago that was too stunned to speak with you* Lucia: Oh my good James for fuck sake calm it! James: CALM YOUR TITTS AND THINK BEFORE YOU DO STUFF HOW ABOUT THAT!?

Lucia remained silent. No counter nothing, she was clearly thinking and processing. I may have overstepped it and went too far but so did she. She’s not mad, or angry, or annoyed. Lucia is the calmest person I know. If she makes a mistake she rather thinks clearly about what to say and how to approach the situation instead of just screaming at you. I really like that of her since I hate to get loud myself. Or well, fighting in general. I’m a pacifist through and through.

Lucia: I’m sorry, I see the error in my thinking. I shouldn’t have done that. James: I guess it’s too late anyways and who knows, maybe he just threw it away. Who knows. I’m also sorry for…wasting your water. Lucia: You don’t have to, it’s tap water anyways. James: At least now I know why it tastes like a rat's ass. Lucia: Blame the school not me. But like, in theory, what if he ends up sliding in your dm’s? James: Throwing my phone out the window while I threw up and sob? Lucia: James…. James: I really don’t know. I never had a date via phone and I totally suck at doing things successfully on the first try. Lucia: If you never try it how will you know that?

She’s right, she almost sounds like Jesse. I hate it. Only time when I use apps for dating it’s because of the need for sexual satisfaction which turns out to be sexual embarrassment and self hate anyways. Ugh…men. As much as I sometimes want a boyfriend, sometimes when a potential person is there I just ignore them. Jesse says I’m too much into red flags which, judged by my count of boyfriends might be true…but still…I lost my point, well done James. Anyhow, I can’t just straight up talk to Ethan like nothing ever happened. The first time we talked was when I was sweating like deer in the Mexican desert. Mexico doesn't have a dessert as far as I’m aware but I’m trying to make a point here. I don’t even know what I should reply. Worst case I just ask Jesse how they would do it. To be fair I actually plan on seeing them later that day anyway so we might even have a lill chatter about that too while we’re on it. Lucia and I just talked for a while, ignoring time or even the fact that the night was slowly making the way into our realm. I’m still trying to wrap my head around everything that has happened today. 

It didn’t take long and the both of us got hungry so we decided to call tonight a pizza night. While Lucia has been fighting with the dude on the telephone rather or not the pizza is an authentic Italian made one, I’ve decided to firstly call Sarah to inform her about me being away for a bit longer and then later sliding in Jesse discord dm’s to inform them that I’ll show up in a few. Lucia was still in a furry when she threw her phone across the room nearly hitting me with it since she planned to throw it into the bed. I calmed her down before she grabbed her laptop to do some studies for uni while we waited for our order to arrive. Meanwhile I was browsing through insta and other apps so I would stay focused as well. Nothing important, and even tho Lucia and I didn’t really talked in that moment it wasn’t awkward or anything like that. It was nice to just be here and knowing that someone is also here. We both recharged in our ways which I found really cool. Until my phone started buzzing. I looked it up and say that I got a discord message. I opened discord since I thought it was Jesse answering me but no. The message was from someone called @GreenOtter. Green Otter? WAIT. E. O. Green. Ethan O. Green. This…this message

THIS MESSAGE IS FROM ETHAN!!!!

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Twenty Two - This Sandwich is A Monster

Today, I helped Sarah.

That’s right, Sarah did some replacing and renovating in her part of the house where she politely asked me if I could help her. Sadly I couldn’t. I had an appointment scheduled at Royal Holloway about the library's door since, good news, the support messaged me and sorted the error in my thinking. I asked her if it has to be done today and rather or not we’d be better off doing it in peace on the weekend, which she agreed on.  So I got started on everything I need. I’ve thrown Henry into my backpack alongside some drinks and snacks since I had no Idea at all how long I’ll be on that. I slipped into my shoes and walked down stairs to get the bus that will arrive in about five minutes. I’m not sure if I will get it but that's something to worry about at a later time. The thing that is worrying me now, is the fact that I really don’t look forward to seeing the head mistress. Don’t get me wrong, she is lovely…just not towards me. I don’t know what she has against me but well, it is definitely something. Anyways, I got the bus that was on the way to the central station, so I can hop on the train to Egham. I took the time on the bus to create a travel playlist while munching on some premade pancakes. It’s not that they are delish, but they make some good snacks. Out of the bus I grabbed my backpack and swung it around my right shoulder while making it through a mass of people to my platform. I managed to get there on time, having to wait only a few minutes before the train would arrive. When the train finally made it to the platform, I got in, placed myself on a window seat, put my backpack next to me, pulled the hood of my jumper over me and started to lean against the window while listening to music. I looked outside. Fog, rain, grey. Typical English weather if you asked me. I don’t know why but as scary as it looks and pretty and nice it fell. I smiled thinking of a conversation Jesse and I had. Where I like fall the most, due to the weather, they prefer summer. We always make jokes about that. I leaned back in my seat and kept looking outside the window. 

Few hours later I arrived at the station in Egham. I got out of the train and took the first bus that was driving to royal holloway and made my wait to the head mistresses office. I had an appointment with Julie Sanders, the principal of Royal Holloway. I opened the door, while she was already impatient tapping her fingers on the desk. 

Julie: Mr Fall, been awhile since we’ve seen each other in real life. How come? James: Mrs Sanders, as told you on the phone, I had to wait myself. I was in direct contact with the company that had worked on th- Julie: Spare me with the details. Any news? James: Yes, that’s why I am here. I got everything I needed in order to sort out the door of the library. Julie: Very well. Go on then. Oh and James, there has been an error in one of the students IDs, get on that. James: Sorry Mrs, but that can’t be. I filled in everything just the way the other schools have handed me their student’s ID. What’s wrong if I may ask? Julie: There is a student who claims he has the wrong name there, claiming it is wrong and that this is discriminating against him. James: Yeah, I get on it. Julie: Good. Now go fix the library.

Ugh I hate her. But she is right, I have to get to the library or else I won't be able to finish it today. Huh? What is that? Someone is rushing towards my direction screaming my name.

Lucia: JAAMMMESSS James: Ciao Lucia, come va? Lucia: Sto bene grazie, ma perchè sei a scuola? James: Perchè la libraria? Lucia: Libraria? Really? James: Bibliotheca, scusa. Lucia: Oh my god please tell me you are here to finally fix that stupid door. James: I might as well be yeah, just had a talk with Julie about it. Lucia: Hope she was nice to you? James: Haha, big dreamer I see huh? Lucia: Ugh I’m sorry for you. Hey on a side note, you’re free after school? I have some news but I don’t want to waste your time now, especially in the hallway. James: When is after school? Lucia: three pm? There is this new cafe near the school which is really good. James: Sure, we’ll go there. Lucia: Great! See you around then! Ciao James: Ciao!

Alright, nice talk but I really have to get to the library. I grabbed my stuff and walked towards it. I got the head of the library to take off all electronic devices, the doors are open, guarded by bouncers. The computers as well as the borrow stations are offline as well. This means that students aren't able to borrow the books for themself but rather have to do it the old way and check them out at the register. I booted Henry up and started working on a variety of programs, codes and wires. The help kit from the company only slightly helped but after a while I managed to get everything back on track. I asked to set everything online again and tested everything. FUck yes, everything is working as it should. And in time. It’s now two fifty so Lucia will be here in a view. I collected everything, grabbed a bag of crisps out of my bag and placed myself at the lobby area waiting for her. 

The weather turned into more rain than before so students of all kinds are rushing in the library, closing their umbrellas or shaking themselves like dogs. Didn’t take long and I saw Lucia, weaving to me while holding a massive transparent umbrella in the other hand. I pulled over the hood of my jumper and ran towards her. We didn’t greet each other or say anything, since both of us preferred to get into the cafe rather fast. We arrived there a few minutes later and placed ourselves at a desk near a window. The place was cosy, almost a mix of a modern cottage. The people have been heating this place up non stop so compared to the cold outside this was a welcomed fact. 

Lucia: And? Have I said too much? Isn't that place pretty as hell? James: Yeah it really is. And the menu is great! Do you already have an Idea what you want to have? Lucia: I think I’ll go with a coffee and a salad, I ain’t having that much hunger right now. What about you? James: I think I’ll get a hot coco and maybe one of those grilled sandwiches with fries? Yeah, it sounds good. Waiter: Can I get you two started? James: Sure!

We told the waiter what we wanted and a couple of seconds later our drinks were already there. It didn’t take that much longer and both our meals were delivered. I have to say, this sandwich is a monster. 

James: So, you said you got news? Lucia: *mumbles* right. I have joined the drama club James: Oh really! That’s awesome, how come? Lucia: Royal Holloway will probably be the last school I attend so I thought now or never. I always wanted to be a part, even though I only have around half a year. James: That’s true. Lucia: And in the end they-

Lucia was talking forever, but I couldn’t really bring myself to pay her any attention.

Lucia: JAMES? Are you even listening to what I say? James: Oh sorry, I must have spaced out. Lucia: Hey what’s on your mind? James: Nothing, just a good looking guy. Lucia: Say what again? Tell me, where are they? James: Behind you, at the counter. Lucia: James, you know I love you but there are five different people. How am I supposed to know who you mean? James: They are blond, and work here. Lucia: Oh you mean the guy walking towards us? James: WHAT? Lucia: Yeah, I think they are going to cash us out. 

No, not now, I look like a mess. Why does this always happen when I look like I was dumpster diving? Does this life hate me really that much? Oh no, they are coming closer and closer. Am I panicking? Is it obvious? Do I really think about all of that? Oh my, help me.

Waiter: So, I hope you enjoyed your stay. Ready to cash in?

I was not ready, not for them being that close to me.