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The Bachelor Week One aka Chaste Alien Man Discovered On Earth

Welcome back, Blogchelor Nation. Sorry I’m late – I needed a full week of meditative deep breathing to prepare to watch Colton Underwood be The Bachelor. In case anyone needs a refresher on who Colton is, he’s a 26-year-old former professional football player who looks like a Golden Retriever and in general loves dogs so much that I’m not convinced ABC isn’t subtly pushing a bestiality subplot. Colton is also a virgin, which – much like being black or sexually abused or coming from a broken family, if you’re on The Bachelor – is the easily exploitable aspect of his existence that will be treated as alien for the next several weeks.

Let’s Meet The Women, All of Whom Are Roughly Twenty-Two Years Old

Cassie is a sexy surfer girl who sometimes wears clothes to color with children.

Hannah is Miss Alabama who has kissed boys before but not too many, says Hannah.

Caelynn is Miss North Carolina and will be attempting to shank Miss Alabama in the showers later.

Heather has never kissed any boys but already has a framed photoshopped photo of her and Colton in her home.

Nicole lives in Miami and really struggles because it’s hard to be so undeniably attractive while living in Miami. She shows her whole family photos of Colton on the internet and demands that they share specifics on the ways that they, too, find him sexually attractive.

Kirpa is one of those dental hygienists who asks you non-rhetorical questions while she’s holding tiny knives in your mouth.

Demi is self-described as “hot-doggin’ for Colton, vroom vroom” which I think is redneck for interested.

Tayeisha is a phlebotomist which makes me giggle as I do not know what a phlebotomist is but sounds like a Harry Potter occupation.

Sydney quit her job to go on The Bachelor so I would say her most compelling quality is unemployed.

Caitlyn stabs a cherry-shaped balloon which is supposed to be cute but reads slightly menacing.

Courtney is a “sweet Georgia peach” and brings a peach with her on the off change that Colton doesn’t understand the reference.

Alex D. arrives in a sloth costume and takes forty minutes to deliver the line “I heard you like to take things slow” while Colton politely waits for it to be over, much like a birthday boy waiting for the happy birthday song to be over, or the sweet release of death, or whatever else comes first.

Tracy arrives in a police car as a strong-armed way to tell Colton she approves of his outfit.

So many women arrive in sequins they just get introduced as “those girls in sequins.”

Bri is Australian and also a pathological liar.

Jane brings pictures of her dogs to seal the deal, until Catherine actually brings a live dog that wants zero to do with Colton and gets fur all over his bespoke suit. Catherine, by the way, is a DJ from Florida a la Manny Jacinto from The Good Place. She is also Corinne Lite.

Onyeka casually remarks, “Colton is a snack and Mama is ready to eat,” because that is a thing that is casually remarked in 2019. She has beef with Catherine within twelve minutes.

Erin arrives in a Cinderella carriage, and the girl who brought peanuts immediately realizes she could have done better.

Hannah G. is a “content creator” from Alabama and gives Colton an empty box to let him know she’s thinking about his genitals. She later makes out with him and wins the first impression rose.

 Miscellaneous

Colton, boy-genius, has this conversation with Chris Harrison: “I still remember my first walk-up.” “What happened?” “I don’t remember.”

Just as a reminder, getting high on bath salts and breaking into someone’s home and melting cheese on all their Christmas ornaments is a crime. Being a virgin is not. Have a great week y’all.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Two aka Thirty, Flirty, and Ancient

Here’s What Happened Monday

The first date card arrives at the Bachelor mansion, and the task of reading the card aloud to the group is given to one of the girls who can read. The date is a group date where Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman lead the charge of sharing stories about boning people to a live audience.

The women’s own stories have a little bit of everything: romance, drama, frat house hoeing, and – in the case of the girl who jumps off the stage and sticks her tongue in Colton’s mouth – horror.

After dinner, tongue girl – we’ll call her Demi, since that’s her name – gets yelled at by Old Woman Tracey, 31, for controversially touching the date rose before it’s time. Meanwhile, Christina Hendricks Lite, also 31, reveals that all the women over 26 refer to themselves as “the Cougar Den.” In other completely unrelated news, I just filed for AARP.

 The First One-On-One

Hannah B, aka Miss Alabama, goes on a solo date with Colton. When asked to make a toast, or to say a sentence, or make any words at all, a petrified Hannah remembers her pageantry training: when in doubt, flash those pearly whites and say “wow, birthday!” If Colton, of all people, is concerned that you have no substance, that’s probably not a good sign.  

Later, on a ship, Hannah apologizes for being shy – citing the reason of… birthday – then demands to know why Colton’s a virgin. They make out.

 The Second Group Date

It’s a camp-themed outdoorsy thing, complete with ketchup and mustard colored team outfits and Billy Eichner genuinely interrogating Colton on the plausibilitiy that he’s gay. Ya know, like camp.

Later, on a couch, Heather tells Colton that she’s also a virgin and has never kissed anyone before. Colton tells her that he would never want her to feel ashamed for something like that and treats her with genuine dignity and respect. As far as The Bachelor goes, it’s a pretty fucked up moment.

Later, to bring us back to the show we know and love, Demi dons a robe and steals Colton away from Old Woman Tracey and massages him, fully clothed, on an unmade trundle bed. Tracey cries.

 The Rose Ceremony

A whole bunch of broads go home and we don’t know the names of any of them. 

People who stay: Demi and Tracey, Miss Alabama, Miss North Carolina, at least four Hannahs.

 Miscellaneous

Elyse winning the group date rose then wearing a hoodie with roses all over it in the mansion the next day is a bad bitch move that I deeply respect.

Hannah B has no idea what Arizona is.

The last line is the best one: Megan Mullally looks straight through that fourth wall and tells Colton, “It’s nice to be here in the beginning before you’re a basket case.”

Spin off idea: Megan Mullally is The Bachelorette and Nick Offerman is one of the contestants and they just make out constantly in front of all the other dudes. 

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelorette Week Nine aka Bangkok Becca

Here’s What Happened Monday

We’re in Thailand, and it’s the episode wherein our Bachelorette gets to drop trou with her final three men. After what is sure to be many nice shots of the landscape and a handful of uncomfortable cultural interactions, Becca will take her lovers back to various huts and commence the dickening, if she so chooses. Later, she will fret that her emotions are now even more conflicted than before, as if sharing fluids with multiple men would somehow be clarifying. Lastly, she will send the weakest bone home. 

Thus is the tried and true methodology of The Bachelorette.

Blake’s One-On-One

Blake is one handsy little bastard, so Becca takes him to a forest where they’re not allowed to touch each other. I don’t know if this is an ancient cultural superstition, or if Becca just needs five minutes without his sweaty paws on her, or because she’s planning on murdering him in the woods of Thailand and can’t risk his DNA on her skin.

Later, at dinner, Becca tells Blake that she is passionately in love with three dudes but that he has nothing to worry about. Blake says he’s totally ready to get on one knee, so Becca invites him back to the Fantasy Suite. They retreat to a sultry hotel suite to – how shall I put this – do some squats in the cucumber patch.

Jason’s One-On-One

Jason and Becca walk around a Thai market and encroach on the personal bubbles of innocent street performers. The proverbial shit hits the proverbial fan when Becca makes Jason sit alone at a temple while she leaves to have a panic attack.

In a rare moment we’re reminded that there is an army of people around Becca at all times, as Becca tells a producer “it just feels weird” with Jason fourteen times in a row. She reflexively tries to pull her hair up off her sweaty neck, forgetting that her hair tie was taken from her the moment she became The Bachelorette, and you best believe the producer isn’t about to provide her with one. Sicko.

At dinner, Jason reminds Becca he loves her, but she tells him she’s not feeling it and sends him home, a brutal five minutes before they would have been locking legs and swapping gravy.

Garrett’s One-On-One

Garrett and Becca take a bamboo raft down a crowded river while the locals and the elephants just try to get their holiday crunk on in peace. Over beers and harassment from Thai children, Becca and Garrett discuss their emotions.

After a long talk about family, hopes, and relocating to follow fame – dreams, sorry I meant dreams – Garrett tells Becca he loves her. This is everything she wanted to hear, and with the help of Chris Harrison’s note, Becca invites Garrett back to her treehouse to make the magical sandwich.

Drama!

Jason shows back up at Becca’s hotel for a few tears and some closure. There’s no screaming, no accusations, just a sad parting. Jason says goodbye and sticks his memories in Becca’s scrapbook. Sadly that’s not even a euphemism.

At the Rose Ceremony, there are two dudes and two roses. The math adds up, meaning Blake and Garrett are our final two. What a show.

Miscellaneous

Fantasy Suites is like Christmas: there are a million little traditions you come to cherish over time. For The Bachelorette, it’s the handwritten invitation to bang by none other than Chris Harrison, the perfect hair and makeup of the morning-after Bachelorette, the appearance of awkward jammies that ruin the whole image of the man wearing them.

I’ll miss Jason and his 80s cool-kid greased-back hair as much as the next gal, but clamoring for him to be the next Bachelor? Come on, twitter.

This girl won the episode:

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelorette Week Three aka Injuries of Shame

The First Group Date aka Naked and Afraid

Only on The Bachelorette: six men arrive at a spa to give six half-naked women massages, except that all the men are dating the same one woman, and all the other women are that woman’s best friends, and the men are not allowed to look in the direction of the other half-naked women but still have to massage them real good, and they’re all forced to wear bizarre white cult shirts, and one of the men use to date one of the other women, and there’s nail polish everywhere, and it is the least relaxing spa day of all time.

In case you missed them, the Arie girls are doing very well. Kendall still makes a living cutting open dead animals, Sienne is busy designing a robot that can conduct brain surgery and also have empathetic conversations with the families of its patients, Caroline is still nobody of significance, Bekah M just celebrated her quinceañera, and Tia must reconcile the fact that she had adult naptime with one of Becca K’s current boyfriends, Colton. Tia is uncomfortable, Colton is uncomfortable, Becca is uncomfortable, Jordan is very comfortable, all of the producers are aroused in a deeply sadistic way.

Later, at Booze Date, Becca makes out with a guy because she forgets his name. Meanwhile, Jordan brags to the boys about having four thousand matches on Tinder, as if that isn’t sad, and David tells Becca about it, as if that isn’t sadder. Jordan tells David he is a skeleton of a man, and also a bitch.

While the boys are distracted arguing about modeling and internet dating, Colton earns a rose from a woman who was engaged while he was busy sleeping with a woman he thought would be the next Bachelorette.

The One-On-One Date aka Ben Stiller and Old Bono

John Legend was busy with his newborn son and literally every other household name was not interested in sacrificing their dignity but Richard Marx was available, so Becca and Chris head to the studio to write love songs with him. Or maybe for him. It’s hard to tell.

Chris is very nervous because he is tone deaf and has daddy issues but Becca urges him to dig deep and pour his heart out to her, a stranger. He manages to open up, and for the first time in recent history, Donald Trump and Kim Jung Un meet face to face. Chris gets the rose.

Meanwhile, Back At The Mansion…

David falls out of bed and breaks his average face.

The Second Group Date aka Go Play Foosball With Your Friends

Because this season is mostly pro athletes, the boys must play full contact football in hockey helmets for the heart of their sporty Minnesota lover gal. On the white team is an Englishman and a Globetrotter; on the blue team is a real NFL player and Jesus. It does not look like sports. Clay, sexy teddy bear, goes too hard on the last play and breaks his wrist, which is almost as damaging to his NFL career as the fact that he went on The Bachelorette.

Later, at Booze Date, Becca smooches all the boys to kill the time until Clay returns in a full sling for a broken wrist. Despite key moments with Garrett and Blake, it is Clay’s heroic bravery and humble manly strength that ignite something in Becca who lusts for that big, fluffy, broken bod. Clay wins the rose, and pins it to his sling.

The Rose Ceremony That Never Was

Heartbreak in the mansion. Clay discovers his stupid fucking Bachelorette injury is more serious than he thought and he has to leave for surgery lest he never be able to play football and make enough money to drown this shame.

No roses are given out tonight. We shall wait.

Miscellaneous

Shoutout Tinder! Shoutout my precious roommate and her longtime Tinder boyfriend who is also precious. Shoutout the Tinder guy named Big Dick Willy who once told me if I was a triangle I’d be “acute one.”

This episode's five dollar quote: “I totally moved into David’s head. I should be paying rent to that guy.” – Jordan

Early picks for next Bachelor? Clay? Grocery Joe? Chris Harrison finally?

Can’t wait for next week.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelorette Week Four aka Yes to Ron Swanson; No to Dennis Feinstein

Here’s What Happened Monday

We return where we left off last week, our men in emotional turmoil at the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, worrying about David’s broken face and Clay’s broken wrist, and wondering what kind of bodily harm they too are destined to endure in pursuit of Becca’s love.

To ease the tension, Becca and Blake discuss cute male names for their five future daughters: Stevie, Charlie, Hunter, Predator, and Bloodbath. Later, Becca gives Jordan a pair of shiny gold briefs and thinks about his junk.

David comes back with a fat lip on his face and a courageous war story under his belt. The distraction from his regular face is a welcome change.

Nick, who honestly may have just shown up tonight I don’t know, wears a tracksuit to the Rose Ceremony as a symbol of his suave personality and, likely, sweaty disposition. All the men we’d expect to stay earn roses, sending Man Bun and Banjo Boy home.

The First One-On-One aka with Beautiful, Be-UTAH-ful Garrett

Becca takes Garrett to Park City, Utah, which has the best socks-only store on earth (which isn’t actually shown on the show but I just wanted you to know). Becca and Garrett wander around, investigate alpaca hats, drink ginger and pepper shots, and throw them up together.

Later they head to Olympic Park to go bobsledding on a course I’m not convinced hasn’t been decommissioned for decades. After their coaches – two Olympic silver medalists – explain the seriousness of the MPH’s and the G’s, Becca inquires precisely how dead they’ll get on this bobsled, and the coaches confirm they will indeed die very dead.

Later, miraculously alive, Becca and Garrett sit on the snow and drink champagne until neither of them can feel their extremities – but can certainly feel their budding love.

The Group Data aka Healthy Dose of Lumbersexuality

Today Becca posted about her love of Costco on Instagram, and tonight Becca revealed her lust for log-splitting mountainmen. Today, Becca and I became one. 

Obviously Becca went to Costco to buy bulk flannel shirts so her men could dress up, split wood, grow beards, chew tobacco, pee in open air, assert their archetypical masculinity. Profession proves to be an unreliable indicator of lumberjactual prowess, as the male model and the inventor of Venmo are beasts with axes and ropes. Like serial killers, but in a sexy, ill-fitting way.

Later, at Booze Date, Jean Blanc gives Becca a signature fragrance called Wifey Wifey Trophy Wifey (actually “Becca Blanc” which is so much worse) and tells her he loves her. Becca hates strong smells so she sends Jean Blanc home. Jean Blanc tells her he never really loved her and we’re all like, we know.

The Second One-On-One Battle of Wills

Becca is still frazzled about Jean Blanc’s betrayal, so she takes Will deep into the frozen tundra and murders him in the snow to blow off some steam.

Just kidding, Becca is smitten as a mitten with Wills. He’s not a perfume and short-shorts kind of guy. He’s kind, earnest, and drama-free. He’s also untarnished as of yet, because she literally had no idea who he was until today.

The Second Rose Ceremony

Becca is more resolute than we’ve seen her yet. With a swift mercilessness she shows up at the Rose Ceremony, cancels the cocktail party, strikes the fear of God in the men, and romantically kneecaps Nick and Christon. I bet Nick regrets wearing that stupid tracksuit, and I bet Christon regrets not wearing his.

Miscellaneous

During typical mansion antics we discover that Lincoln believes the earth is flat, but it doesn’t matter at all because he is LITERALLY A CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER who assaulted a woman on a cruise ship. Wtf?

Five dollar quote of the night: “Becca might have my groin on her mind, and maybe she thinks its  golden.”

I miss Grocery Joe.

On a recent trip to Salt Lake City, my friend and I bullied another friend into using the Be-Utah-ful pun on her charcuterie instragram account and you know what? it was worth the emotional abuse we put her through to post it because that pun is fucking excellent.