Mar 23, 2024
They dont know that im slowly going to use this blog to talk about gay people
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They dont know that im slowly going to use this blog to talk about gay people
screaming, thrashing and crying as I am not ready to accept my responsibility of being an adult and entering the prison of capitalism
grandpa: So you just came over here to drink beer and work? me: oh I’m not working, I’m... blogging. grandpa: YOU HAVE A BLOG????
me: ... more or less. Have since 2011.
grandpa: What do you post???
me: dumb stuff that happens, mostly.
grandpa: Is there anything about me on there?
me: Some stuff you’ve said.
grandpa: I bet those are the most popular.
me: n--
grandpa: I should start a blog. I’ll make a political blog.
me: gross. What do you know about politics?
grandpa: Wellllll, I’ll just make stuff up and lie.
me: Sounds about right.
grandpa: I’m gonna watch what I say around you from now on!
Good afternoon all,
I have made a conscious decision to start blogging again in an effort to get myself out of this hole I've dug. I would like to apologize for my long hiatus; my life has not been good lately.
For those of you that follow me on Instagram, you know that my long, miserable battle with my job has taken a strenuous toll on me for the last year and a half. You also know that the battle is now over. I will admit, I do not feel any better. My issues were never addressed, my abuser was never told her behavior was unacceptable, and they promoted her on fear and not merit, then made me her subordinate. It only got worse. I left a horrible situation feeling like I lost. I left out of desperation with no plan.
I will tell you, it does not feel great not having a plan and money dwindling.
Before leaving my job, I had quit nursing school in hopes that the change of schedule (home at midnight, up at 4am Monday through Friday) might make me less miserable. It did not, and landed me in more debt than I had wanted. However, I did begin the process to enter a new career path in Funeral Science. I applied and was accepted to an institute in New York City and I will begin in January.
In the same vein, I have been looking for a job in a funeral home without much luck. The opportunities are sparse, and I am difficult to hire due to my lack of experience in the field, the family-owned and oriented atmosphere, and my appearance. I was offered the opportunity to interview for one place, but I am still awaiting a call back for a follow up interview. I am giving this another day before I follow up directly. If this falls through, I will be pursuing the ambulance once again.
So, I am currently home in front of my fake fire, writing this blog and catching up on laundry and Shameless. I have struggled to keep my head off the ground. I am trying to think of other business ventures to possibly work for myself but I have no lucrative talents and it takes money to make money.
Thank you all for your continued support and standing by me even through I have not been too interactive. I hope for things to get better, and for my mood to brighten.
Woke up feeling heavy. Truth is, I haven't slept at all. My mind and soul are restless at the moment...for trying to contain the pain that bottled up from all disappointments that life offers. Now I'm sitting on a couch. In the middle of giving up and not giving a fuck anymore. Wanting to end everything but not knowing how. It's really not knowing how to be honest. I know how. I just don't know of I can or if I should. Because I might mess up again. Just like the other decisions I made. Stupid and worthless. But now...I decided to just sit here. Feel nothing for a bit because maybe when I decided to feel that "feeling" again I'll be a little bit okay to cope up with it.
That feeling when you asked for a sign and you already know it's not going to happen but you still hope for it. It's like wishing for the star to come near you but you know it's too impossible.
My favorite part of writing fics is spending days searching for quotes from movies or books to include in it. I have pages and pages of them, and it drives me insane that I can't include everything.
Behind every closed door there is a story. Behind every locked door there are secrets in a story that someone think is too valuable to lose even when it hurts them.
That includes hearts.