#blogish

[nspilothat]

i tweaked so hard on my school trip to the mall and got this

what? i was at the right place, right time 😒

my friend was right, i was an emo with his stuffy 💔

[it-grrl]

Singing Nick Cave's "Red Right Hand" to my cat but changing it to "Wet Right Hand" bc she won't quit sticking her goddamn paw in her water fountain.

[inkweavers]

My own poetry, read by my self, as much of a illusion that is.

[blog-ish]

Hi! I’m Ishani.

I’m an engineer, dancer, feminist, and amateur yogi. I have a love for coffee, travel, food, naps, views, books, hikes, and the list can go on and on!

I admire bloggers and all of the expertise and effort that goes into providing the most eloquent advice often paired with the perfect photo. As for me, I am a perfectionist with no patience and passionate about many things with no niche. That’s why I would say that this isn’t quite a blog... it’s just like one (hence, blog-ish).

I think of this as a medium for me to get my thoughts on paper. I just turned 26, and if there is anything I have learned in the last quarter of a century, it is that change is constant and more often than not, out of your control. The other thing I have realized, is that you can always grow and get better at handling change. I am not one to put my thoughts out there for all or anyone to see. Sometimes in order to become more comfortable with change, you have to create it. So here goes... Enjoy :) 

[it-grrl]

My friend described a new intake at the cat shelter she works at as having "a Habpsburg jaw" and we all wondered "how does that even look on a cat?"

Observe:

Also note how lighting is so important in photos. The difference between an -admittedly slightly inbred- sweet little man and "somehow, Palpatine came back."

[it-grrl]

Love is seeing you got a text from your partner (who is on the other side of the living room) and correctly divining that it is a picture of the cat (who is also on the other side of the living room) doing nothing remarkable.

[anonanonish]

New here! Using this app as sort of a anonymous blog to talk about things that I cannot talk about to anyone around. I do not have many people I can confide in.

[truths-of-an-earth-canary]

For those of you that do not understand what this is like, you are so blessed to have peace in your head.

Let me try to explain what it is like.

For as long as i can remember i have had a voice in my head when i think. I found out at some point it is called an inner monologue and not everyone has one. It's something your brain either does, or does not.

This means that i have a little voice in my head that chats away all day, and never shuts up. It repeats everything that is said, everything i think, or see, or hear.

Sometimes this is great. It can be really great for describing things, or thinking over plans, ideas, goals, challenges ect.

It also can be a real bitch when it's coupled with things like anxiety and depression.

At times i liken it to a black hole inside my head. Theres this empty sucking pit that drains out every good thought and feeling, and only leaves the bad stuff. Actually its like having my own personal Dementor inside my head.

I start remembering every bad decision i made, every choice i regret, everything that caused me trauma, or pain, and my brain replays it over and over and over and over and over again.

It repeats to me every awful thing people have said to me, and it tells it to me again and again and again, it comes up with reasons why they would do this, and the reasons are always my fault, and it tells them to me again and again, makes me feel so awful over and over, until i believe it, until i think it must be so, or why would they say this? Of course they say this. Why wouldn't they?

I can't see all the things that make me so amazing, I can't even stop my brain from making me feel worse and worse.

I don't want to feel like this. I don't want my brain to think like this.

I hate it. Inside i am screaming, pleading, why won't it stop? Why does my brain do this to me?

I frequently end up in tears, or just shut down emotionally, because how can you deal with such a hell inside your head that won't stop?

Perhaps you try reaching out to others. Everyone always says to ask for help, ask to talk to a friend.

So you do. You gather your courage (because this whole time your brain has been telling you that no one wants to hear your bad shit, cuz who would? It's depressing as hell, but you are so tired of being strong, so tired of constantly fighting a war in your own head just to have your own thoughts, that you need a moment where someone says, "It's okay, you can take a break. I am here with you. Rest a while."

Because you need that more than anything right now, as you are so close to breaking.

And the person you trust with your weakness turns you away. Perhaps they cut you out. Never talk to you again. Perhaps they tell you "Why should i help you? If you can't be strong for yourself, why should anyone else? Im not interested in spending time with you if you're not happy"

Perhaps they simply tell you to get over it, or stop over thinking things, or that you are being too sensitive, and need to loosen up, or you're being stupid, or over reacting.

Im sure these people have their reasons, biggest is they probably didn't understand, and didn't know how to be there.

But it makes it so hard, because these rejections hurt so much. And that little voice in the black hole remembers every detail of that rejection, and will reply it again and again and again, and amplify how much it hurt.

It will remind you of this every time you think about asking for help again, until it's easier, and hurts far less to keep it to yourself, and try and cover the cracks that keep getting bigger under the constant, never ending strain.

And then to make it worse, people are always saying, "Why didn't they talk to someone?" When someone attempts, or successfully commits suicide.

I guarantee they will have tried to talk to someone. It likely will have been a family member, a close friend, often a lifelong, or childhood friend. Someone that could be reasonably expected to be knowing and understanding.

Because these are the people in my life i turned to when shit got bad. It got real bad. Not going into why in this post, but i reached out to a few people when i hit my rock bottom. The rejection examples i used above? They were just two of the rejections i got, and they were from childhood friends i grew up with, and had remained friends with until that point.

Some of the others came from family, some from my own mother.

I got so depressed, and didn't feel safe turning to anyone, that i seriously considered suicide.

I didn't. To this day im still not sure how i got through it.

I know i shut down completely. For several years i was numb emotionally. I felt nothing. Not joy, not rage, not excitement. I existed.

But i kept going. And one day i smiled and i actually felt something.

This voice is my best friend and greatest enemy.

I am working on finding ways to manage the black hole days, finding ways to put into words the screaming chaos that is inside my head.

As its so simple to say "Talk about it" but it's actually so hard to find the words to even begin to convey any idea of the sort of hell that can be inflicted by your own brain.

"Talking about mental health" is not the solution. We need to LISTEN.