#blogtherapy

[arumpunya]

young forever: how far we have come

august 13 2018

for the most part ,, i feel deeply connected to bts because i can relate to their struggles in the past .. i didnt have much either growing up .. all i am now ,, all i have now ,, everything came from much hardships and struggles ..

i was never the top student .. hardly ever showed any talents .. i was a shy scared little girl with no confidence whatsoever .. i was the quiet passive one in the group ,, and maybe thats why i got bullied a lot .. for appearing as a slow kid ,, i guess because i never said anything people thought id get fooled very easily .. because i am so slow and wouldnt notice anything .. but i did .. and it taught me a lot ..

i didnt understand then ,, but i do now .. that we shouldnt judge someone just based on what we think we see .. when i was being cheated on every game ,, i saw everything .. i didnt say anything and just let people think whatever they like ..

i observe then make my assessment .. it became a habit until now that i know immediately which kind of people i have to keep close and which i have to stay away from .. without confronting them ,, i just keep my distance ..

this is the reason i only have a small number of people believing in me .. i never showed my wildcards to just anyone .. i never seek attention ,, i stay away from the spotlight .. im just a little chameleon going along with the current .. invisible ..

i am my biggest motivator .. i told myself every day to never stop trying ,, never stop dreaming ,, never stop believing … that one day all of these would be paid off .. one day people would start to notice what i do .. one day id make myself and everyone proud of what i can do ..  

each and every hardship struggles failures and roadblocks became another motivation to success .. growing up i heard more discouragements than encouragements from many people around me .. but i always told myself to prove them wrong later .. when the time comes i will prove them wrong .. when the time comes they will see me strive ..

all i have right now i can only dream of as a little girl .. i have come so far but the fight is not over .. i will never forget where i came from but i will continue to grow taller .. reaching higher goals .. keeping the leap of faith .. that if we believe in something ,, anything is possible ..

learning bts history and where they came from reminds me of my own journey .. and i believe everyone is the same .. we all have those fight within ourselves ,, when we want to reach a dream but not even knowing how ,, yet all the people around us keep belittling us .. bts taught us to never give up .. even when people are throwing shits at them ,, they keep doing them ..

just do what you do .. all the haters are gonna hate no matter what you do .. so keep doing you ..

epiphany

[yourperfextqueen]

Normalize using blogs instead of therapy. Not because I think it's healthy for you, oh, God no, but because I want to read about how fucked up everyone is and make notes on y'all with my clipboard while going "fascinating, truly fascinating...." under my breath.

[ucancallmegina]

When Donnie said "After you've done all you can....

JUST STAND!... well I've been standing and I just can't get my balance together which is ironic because I am a Libra and that's what Im suppose to be about... is balance. Its been a little over 2 weeks now since I was let go from my job and 2 years since the malarkey with the job that brought me to Durham in the first place and the one thing that I have been trying to avoid is having to move back home. I have been in Durham for 7 years and although I don't get out much like I may want to I really like it here. I have been applying for jobs even before I knew my contract was gonna be up but at the same time, in the back of my mind and from co workers, 2 years-- I would be a shoe in! I was constantly getting told the " I started as a contractor as well, and look at me now" stories....which in some way, I have a glimpse of hope that maybe I would get hired-- too bad that wasn't the case. Every opportunity I applied for, comes back like that 'return to sender' mail that someone sent back that doesn't want to hear from you. "We appreciate you applying, but we have decided to go with a 'stronger candidate' ".... Stronger Candidate-- I don't know about ya'll but that can make anyone feel inadequate. Although I'm sure that is not the intention however it doesn't take away how it feels. I'm not really sure what is up next as there are so many things that run through my mind on daily basis regarding my current situation and how to get things back to a certain state to things I want pursue and revise but has to be put on hold. The motto is "Never let them see you sweat"... which has been in process more than ever. I have just gotten to a point where, I just don't respond. Not to be rude but, if I know I can't do anything, what's the point in entertaining the idea. Maybe that's not the right thing to do but at the same time, its a way for me to avoid questions and having to explain, as some of it I can't explain. Lately, if I'm being honest, feel out of my element, out of place and just behind. Certain aspects of my life, I am super selective on who I talk to about thing that go on with me as I just have this constant thing that I will get judged or looked at a certain way, lectured even vs being guided in sense. Ultimately, it scares me-- I feel like once I get in a vulnerable space, and express what is bothering me or my current issues it'll be something that I will regret speaking about. I honestly, don't know where it comes from to be real-- but I guess that just what some people would say "That's what therapy is for".... and I would say "hey, you may be right about that! " It's been YEARS since I have been in this situation. What is ironic about this is, the previous job I was let go from is the job that started me in this career back in 2015/2016 with the same employer. When that contract was coming to an end, I applied to the opportunity in Durham. 5 years in, and it all came crashing down-- back to figuring out what's next, how to make ends meet, making a plan and back to the drawing board. Within a week, an opportunity came up for the same position back in 2015/2016 for the same company. At that time, I applied for a full term position then, and was passed up and this go round, nothing was offered b/c nothing was available. Being back in this spot just brings back the stress, anxiety and the 'do what you need to/gotta do' mentality. I am constantly trying to stay optimistic and in prayer that things are gonna work out for the better, but like any other person, I have moments of 'what the fuck' ... tears and doubts set in and at times there are glimmers of okay, somethings are looking up but at this point in the game, I have to start making sacrifices/decisions in order to either remain where I am or make moves that are better accommodated for me in this current time.

I know this is stuff that I shouldn't hold on to, keeping to myself but again, there's that fear-- judgement, having to ask for help, which is something I'm not a fan of... I don't if that's a Libra thing or just a me thing or something else, Im not deep diving about it but its definitely something. It sucks to be in a situation where there are things you can't do unless is free, unable to splurge a bit like I use to-- it was nothing fancy to begin with but it was comfortable for me. Not being able to solidify being able to do things, go places is frustrating as you never want to be the one where you have to depend or ask ppl to look out for you. Even writing this, my mind is training my heart to be optimistic, believe and trust the process. Donnie said, "after you've done all you can, you just stand" ... I'm working on it and that's what I want to continue to do, stand on my own two as I have been doing since I was 19/20 years old.

I moved out at that age with no car and manage to make it to work, pay rent.. when I finally got a car, I had two jobs and built from there. Had some of the same issue I have now, then but not like this-- being in another city, having to come up with a plan to stay afloat without moving backwards. At this point, I am just hoping that something changes for the better but prepare for the change... and that's folks, has been August lately...

[journeywithmeangryhuman]

FiveDollarMeltdown

Subscribe to get access We finally made the last payment on my wife’s New car! Although she would seldom make her payments on time (I would make the payment, and she would give me her half of the obligation) she still managed to make them. I am proud of her for keeping her end of the bargain. And now for the rant, because you knew it was coming: It must be nice to have a brand-new car for only…

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[journeywithmeangryhuman]

Facebook Fiasco

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Subscribe to get full access My first exposure to social media was Myspace. I’m certain this is true for almost anyone. I think there was a platform called High5 or something like that. I tried them for a while, but Myspace seemed to dominate, so I stayed with them until they fell off. Facebook emerged and took over as the number one social media platform. Google came out with their platform and…

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[journeywithmeangryhuman]

My Wife, The Martyr

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Subscribe to get access Jesus Christ, help me. Someone. Anyone. Save Me. My wife is the biggest martyr I think I have ever encountered. No matter the situation, she has every right to humiliate the oldest child, who suffers from autism, and if I call her out on it, she will spend the rest of her day and energy finding a way to try to flip and reverse the situation to make me feel like the bad…

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[journeywithmeangryhuman]

Final Requests

#BlogTherapy #Life #Death #Family #Regrets #Journal #Confession

I have had two people in my life, who are no longer living, ask me for a favor that I never got around to doing for them. I had an Aunt that had received one of those combination Record/Tape/Radio/CD players as a gift from someone. Soon after receiving it, she called me to ask me if I could show her how to use the device to record some of her old tapes onto CD. She was convinced this was an…

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[journeywithmeangryhuman]

Workaholic

#BlogTherapy #Journal #Work #Workaholic #IsThisNormal #TheShining

I wonder if there are support groups. I think I’m a workaholic. I don’t even like my job, but here I am giving more than 100% on most days. When I’m not at work, I’m thinking of ways to be more efficient at work. I can’t truly enjoy my time off because I am always thinking about this. Always. At least with this job when I go on vacation I can get away and not have to worry about the possibility…

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