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GACKT Blog (13 July 2016): From Blomaga Editor's Notes (Blomaga Issue 134)

DEAR MY G-LOVERS

My voice can be heard on GACKT Blomaga so, those who want to read it all, check out the Blomaga

※This article is an excerpt from the “GACKT's Trashy Stories” corner in the Blomaga.

【Delivered thrice a month】 http://ch.nicovideo.jp/channel/gackt

With regards to the use of the images from the GACKT Official Blog, they cannot be used for commercial means, adult sites, or prompts linking to other sites, use in news sites, reproduction on personal blogs or SNS are authorised. In such cases please indicate【GACKTオフィシャルブログ GACKT.com より転載】(GACKT Official Blog GACKT.com All rights reserved). However, if our company deems your site to be inappropriate, posting will be immediately prohibited. (c)G-PRO inc. I was thinking as I put my hands together at the grave. It's been 17 years since I've gone solo, and likewise it's been 17 years since he passed. I've grown older by yet another year.

All in the blink of an eye.

Even for this long LAST VISUALIVE tour, the curtains have closed safely on the Japan performances following July 2, and 3's 2 days at the Saitama Super Arena.

To all the many LOVERS who celebrated this GACKT's birthday on both days, I want to send you my sincere feelings of gratitude. And, also to the LOVERS who sent their many wishes even if they couldn't come and attend, I want to send you these same feelings of gratitude.

Truly, thank you.

Before I realise it, it happens in a flash. He, who was a year older than me, is now much younger than I am.

『Time flies, it's already been 17 years... I'm turning 43 this year』

My words flowed out before him.

During my 20s, I used to think 【birthdays are pretty meaningless...】.

However, since I entered by 30s, the importance of the meaning of growing older has started to resonate more in me. Overseas, people tend to say things like ｢Age is just a number｣ but, I don't think so. These number of years represent an important number that speak of your own history up until this point.

For those who are earnestly running through life, I believe that they won't see it as just another number.

Before performing this time's last performance, the last of the hall tour was held for 2 days in my hometown Okinawa. We entered the local area few days before the Okinawa performances, and together with 30 people, including band members, dancers, and staff, we carried out grave cleaning for the whole family for 3 hours under the blazing hot sun.

Since it would be the first time I've returned in awhile, I decided to first do cleaning and reset my mind before going for the live.

Then, my band members and dancers said that they would help with that and also came to Okinawa a few days early.

Actually, 3 hours after we started cleaning, while getting drenched in sweat, I was laughing a little at how desperate we became.

Cleaning for dear life in this manner is not normal. However, me desperately besieging even the smallest bit of dirt is really hilarious.

Maybe because there was that, everyone could reorganise their feelings properly and bring out the best live in my hometown Okinawa. In that sense, performing a live in Okinawa holds a lot of meaning for myself.

Previously, when I came back to Okinawa for the VISUALIVE 7 years ago, my grandmother, whose body was weakening, made her way to my live with support.

And, after the live ended, she said

『Although Gaku's fans are watching, the inelegant side can't be shown!』

and walked out of the concert venue on her own. That's my indescribably proud grandmother. I loved that grandmother of mine.

And, I wanted to show my grandmother this time's live too. I wanted to send her lots of energy.

But, grandmother's body could not hold on until this tour. Last year, she passed at the age of 105 but,

『She'd definitely have watched from somewhere in the venue... She would be delighted, for sure』

At the casual words from my older sister, tears came out.

After we were done with cleaning the graves, I could feel a deeper meaning behind putting my hands together for my ancestors year after year.

It was a strange feeling.

At the end, with my hands together, I wanted to convey some thoughts to them but, oddly enough no words came to mind.

Instead, it was as if there was an empty gaping hole... It made me think 『So this is how it feels to be free of thoughts...』, as I continued to put my hands together without anything coming to mind.

I was unable to cast any words their way, feelig nothing but, the strange sensation of a blank mind with when praying.

After that, while watching everyone with their hands put together from behind

『Until when can I keep doing this...』

was the thought that crossed my mind.

After everyone had prayed, I was asked to say something but I was unable to put anything into words well and when I looked up to the sky, the word【Family】 suddenly descended on me.

【Family】

It is not simply because we have gone through a tough tour together that we can become family. We sweat with all our efforts, sometimes we bleed, dedicate ourselves to reach our aim, and run together as we look to the same goal.

Putting it in words, it sounds simple but to repeat and sustain that everyday, and build those feelings stronger is, in reality, difficult.

My right hand man, and the eldest of the masseuses said something to me in the past that I still strongly recall now.

Right after the 2011 earthquake disaster, when we've yet to fully grasp the state of the disaster area, when we've yet to fully understand the effects of radiation among other things, he was the one who volunteered to deliver supplies to the disaster area.

『Waka, for me. I feel that through this I can truly become a part of Waka's Family. Family (家族 - kazoku) is different from this Family (ファミリー - famiri). Kazoku is made of people with the same blood as you. Family (ファミリー) is made of the people you love who you'd be willing to bleed for. Well, I'm leaving... I'll deliver Waka's feelings to them』

It was something that happened right after the terrible earthquake, in the midst of moving without rest or sleep.

The friends who have always stuck close even in tough spots and no matter the situation have now become family (ファミリー).

And now, the tour has ended without incident.

Maybe it can't be said that it was without incident but we managed to get here by the skin of our teeth. My body too somehow managed to wait for this. At the end I was doing it with only my willpower.

Maybe its because I went past the peak of my exhaustion, or maybe there were other causes at play too, on both my skin and in my internal organs, the damage was steadily showing itself. However, I don't have time to spend whining about it. In any case, there were just a few more... so I summoned up my willpower to face them. And when it came to an end, I collapsed from exhaustion.

There is something that I have decided on a long time ago. 【If I can't do it anymore halfway through, I'll retire immediately】

Going up on stage is, to me, having the resolution to do just that. That's why, in my training and my self-management too, if I don't face everything seriously this body will quickly become useless.

In the first place, my body isn't strong. When I was a child, I was often in the hospital.

In the past, I used to think「Why is it only me who has such a weak body?」 and I used to hate my parents for that.

Instead, now, there are even times when I am thankful for the weakness of this body. It is because it was weak, that I have been able to understand many things.

It is because of this body that I can properly do what I have to do everyday. If I led a sloppy lifestyle, it'll soon become useless.

I am aware of the weakness of my own mind.

Until I was 19 years old, I blamed my lack of initiative, my various failures, my lack of effort in the things I do, and just about everything else, on the weakness of my own body as an excuse.

Right now, its different. It is because of my body being weak, that I can understand the feelings of a weak person's. It is because I am weak, that I am keenly and acutely aware of the things that I have to put effort into doing, that I am able to continue doing them. My eating habits have to be strictly controlled as well otherwise I'll become no good. If I go with the lifestyle habit of only eating whatever I like, in the blink of an eye everything will go up in smoke.

It is likely, that the people with strong bodies have never had to confront their own bodies up till now in their lives.

For a period of time, even if they stopped doing something they probably never had to restrict their diets for over 20 years, can eat the foods they like whenever they want, if they grew fatter they can just lose a little weight... I guess its something like that.

For myself too, if my body could be strong I would definitely do that because I think that it's only natural for it to be that way.

In the past, a close friend of mine said something nonchalant that I still remember today.

My close friend who saw that instead of breakfast, I was taking a large amount of vitamins and mineral supplements, and drinking juice made from a slow juicer began laughing and said this to me.

「Ahahaha, are you eating rabbit food?」

He probably didn't mean to cause hurt with what he said though.

But, even I thought that this appearance of mine really was like a rabbit... and it made me feel miserable.

Even now, friends who visit before training will definitely say this when they see that breakfast of mine.

「Is that all?」

Yeah, that's all. Just like this, without my body taking in too many meals, I've been in a constantly depleted state of insufficiency for 23 years.

Even now there are many things that I restrict myself from. I don't think that this is strange. Recently, my eating habits have taken on a little more enjoyable style, its called the【Silicon Valley Diet】, and is said to be the the latest dietary style.

From my point of view, I think its just right for a person to always be in a state of lacking something.

This doesn't only refer to food, but also the continued motivation for your own desire. If it was satisfied or fulfilled, you'd quickly not want to aim to go higher. You'll become lazy.

That's why, this is just right. I'm fine with this body. I'm fine with my way of life.

From around the time I passed the age of 30, I started to be able to think in this way, and now celebrating my 43rd year, I can praise myself more this year than last.

Little by little I no longer hate but instead I face it and have lived. And, many of my friends and family are celebrating with this me.

To me, there is nothing that can be happier than this.

The day after celebrating my birthday, I put my hands together at his grave and the words flowed out again.

「It's already been 17 years...」

“Success is not a destination, but the road that you're on. Being successful means that you're working hard and walking your walk every day. You can only live your dream by working hard towards it. That's living your dream.”

I'll work a little harder. Because there are still things that I have to do.

GACKT

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