I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I know this, I have known this, and 3 doctors have known this.
I discern the symptoms from my own self; this has been way easier since medicating and separating from the mood issues bipolar brings, but they are part of my personality as well. I actually feel as though I’ve got 2 personalities; my BPD personality and my real self.
This is my first significant other without mental illness.
It’s unsetting because I’m happier and she's so understanding and supporting of every aspect of my disorders, but I know thoroughly that she can't understand.
My fears and misperceptions of abandonment are prevalent; when she turns over in bed I feel as though she's turning away from me as opposed to the fact that I know that she likes to be little spoon. When she texts with one word answers and no punctuation I feel distanced and like she's losing interest.
I constantly worry that she’s growing to love me less, I constantly dream that she leaves me. By constantly, I mean last night she woke me up from violent nightmares because I was crying and shaking in my sleep, 4 times.
My identity problems have always been an issue. When i was a kid I was bullied for being a “copier” because I assumed the personality traits, preferences, tastes and styles of every new friend I had.
I find myself wanting tattoos and its hard because we’re so similar!!! (aside from tattoos and plugs lol) We dress relatively similarly. Our art is so different and I find myself using more liquin and hard edged solid colors, which her art is all based in. I hate it.
I do feel myself split and start to resent a little bit. I feel BPD tell me I feel differently than I really do. I know how I feel, but the stream of consciousness in my head tells me differently. I constantly have to make sure I don't listen to it.
I constantly need attention. I always have. Ive always acted strange and acted out for attention. Alienation has always been the result, as I was just... fucking weird.
She gives me attention all the time. Constantly. My fucking dream! Kisses on the cheek in public, kisses in the elevator and on the street, random hugs, compliments all the fucking time, holding my hand all the time, she always knows what to say. This is so dangerous, I think.
My BPD constantly gives me expectations that no living human being could reach. She almost reaches them, all the time. In the case that 5 minutes goes by and she takes a break from being a superhuman of a significant other, I start to assume she doesn't love me anymore.
When she makes small offhand comments pointing out something I’ve done wrong, or subtly makes fun of me in a playful manner, my stomach drops and I need like 20 minutes to recover, 20 minutes of time in where I try to act normal, cannot act normal, and she tries to act like she doesn't feel bad for saying something that she didn’t know would fuck me up so much.
Y’all, replies would be appreciated right now. I want her to read some stuff about BPD. I feel like it would help her understand the way I think and act really well. But all these posts mention how people with BPD cheat and suddenly decide they hate their partners and shit like that... I don't want her to read that shit and feel differently about me. Or see how ugly what she’s dealing with really is.
What should I do!!!!! fuck. the obvious answer is, I should have her read it. It’s only healthiest, esp since she swears she's in this for the long run. She should know. No matter how much I hate BPD, its part of me and I fight it every day and she says she wants to fight it with me. I guess it’d only be healthiest for her to know what exactly she is fighting if she’s going to do this with me.
