Today my anxiety is bad, it hasn’t been bad in a long while. I’ve mostly been feeling confident about life and going forward with what I want to do but today I can feel my heart beat in my throat, a lump I cannot swallow. I feel so overwhelmingly lonely for the first time in ages, and my thoughts keep spiralling to places I didn’t want to re visit. I’m exhausted, some days I just don’t have it within myself to be my own cheerleader. Sometimes I need help and support. I don’t feel ashamed to admit that anymore though, I don’t feel guilty for reaching out when I need to. The more I talk about my mental and physical health the more i know I am not alone and having people who understand truly means the world. The majority of us will have grown up with a narrative of ‘its weak to be open about your emotions/feelings’ When In fact it’s the complete opposite, to show vulnerability is in fact strong. Im struggling a lot at the moment, I’m dealing with suicidal ideation most days and I can’t seem to shake the intrusive thoughts that I would be better off not here. Self harm urges are a constant and I’m finding it really hard to refrain. So I’m writing this here, not to be negative but to be transparent as I promised you all I would be. This is my truth. This is living with multiple mental illnesses and chronic illness, some days I can be on top of the world one minute and then drowning in a pool of self hate the next, it’s turbulent. It’s messy. It’s real. I think I may have to go back to therapy once a week, I’m not sure. Bpd is like a hurricane, it tears through me destroying everything I’ve built and makes me feel small and useless. I’m trying my best today to use healthy coping skills I have learnt in therapy, I know these thoughts and feelings will pass. I know deep down they are temporary! affirmations that I can get through this always seem to help ground me, let’s hope they work today. #mentalhealthwarrior #bpd #mhblogger #borderlineandsurviving #itsokaynottobeokay #affirmations #iamloved #warrior #mymhjourney (at Scarborough, North Yorkshire)