2025 Reflection
Why Is This?
No. I don't expect anyone to read this. Tumblr is known for many things, lots of them awesome. Deep reflection and pondering on things isn't really one of them. (No shade, really.)
But every year, I write a reflection on the past year. Mostly, I post them for accountability and if anyone actually read them and commented/asked about them, I would be shocked.
2025
I ended 2024 just after being released from the hospital. I had been admitted on my birthday with my second round of bilateral pulmonary embolisms. (Otherwise, it was a pretty nice birthday.)
Because this was the second occurrence, I got diagnosed with an 'undifferentiated clotting disorder.' (Worst birthday present ever.)
Nearly dying (again) sucks. Pulmonary embolisms suck. 'Undifferentiated clotting disorders' suck.
Recovering from hospitalizations and pulmonary embolisms are hard. I spent the first three months of 2025 sitting at home, on oxygen for most of it, trying to become a person again.
I started 2025 behind and I've stayed behind.
Going back to work was hard. Continuing to work was hard. I kept getting sick. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize the reason I kept getting sick was that the embolisms and hospital stay had wrecked my poor immune system. It already functions at a deficit, so I should have seen that coming. It's what happened in 2022, too.
After how well 2024 went for me (until the end), I was pretty frustrated by the time I was 'done' with recovery and went back to work. I had gotten used to having a decent pace, getting things done, and not feeling like I was holding my life together with duct tape and paper clips.
The Good
I wrote a lot. I hit my goal of one million words in September.
I posted Defiance chapters weekly. In more than eighty weeks, I haven't missed an update.
I (barely) made my goal of sixty chapters/fics posted.
I didn't fail at writing this year. Or last year. Or 2023, for that matter.
I wrote every day. I kept my posting schedule.
Best yet, I have written something people like. A lot. Defiance has a server now. Fanart. Fan music! And other people have written fics in my world!
Fanart of my OCs, y'all. How often does that happen in fic?
This is one of the big high points of my year. And of my life as a writer.
There were a lot of things that happened this year that don't have much to do with me reflecting in my goals and personal progress this year.
Except for what they say about my priorities. Thinking about them in that light - well, they become a bit more important.
I helped out a friend who needed a place to stay. It's been a few months of chaos. There were a lot of other things I was asked to do for friends and family and I was able to do it all.
Overall, I'm pleased I was able to work through the OCD to focus on the things that mattered as opposed to being hyper-focused on things that aren't as important.
The Bad
Given how hard on my self I generally am, this is usually a busy section of my reflections. I'm going to take this in sections, most of them ongoing goals/projects, etc.
Writing
I tried - and (mostly) failed - to write for most of the events I wanted to write for. To be honest, most of what I wrote was for Defiance. I love Defiance - and I am still having a lot of fun writing it.
But I have a lot of other things I want to write, too. In 2023 and 2024, I wrote a fairly good variety of things, and I want to get back to that in 2025.
I ran out of buffer chapters this year. I very much need to get my buffer built back up this year.
This was mostly a failure of time management and allowing myself to get distracted too often. If I can avoid as much of that this year, I'll be much better off.
Organization
I am so disorganized. Augh!
A lot of this came from not having a good planning system this year. I didn't get a planner. I didn't set up a prime notebook.
If you know me, that would tell you I was not doing well at the start of the year. It wasn't that I wasn't planning. I wasn't planning enough or in the right ways. I am so used to using a running list in a notebook and taking notes on things, building project pages/spreads/collections (whatever term you prefer for such things.)
When I went back to work, I needed to get set up fast, so I cut corners and didn't invest in the research and tools I normally use.
That meant going (partially) digital. I started using the Microsoft To-Do app I use with my students.
It's a decent To Do program. One of the nicest features is the 'My Day' list. The program takes everything you add to 'My Day' and any task due that day and sticks it there. You can share lists with other people (so, with my students) and all the tasks I have to think about that day are in the one place.
I bought a pocket calendar (Gallery Leather. Great pocket calendar.) I'd had success with a pocket calendar about thirty years ago.
Of course, back then, I didn't know what I didn't know. I had fewer things to track. My life was less complex. (Also, less deep and less full. I would not trade the current complexity for the shallow simplicity of yesteryear for anything.)
That poor pocket calendar did some heavy lifting, let me tell you.
Near the middle of the year, I grabbed one of my trusty (and mostly empty) pocket notebooks and used it for some lists and notes. Eventually, I added a another. A task notebook, a notebook for the random notes I always keep, and my pocket calendar.
The problem with the system wasn't the tools. It was how haphazardly I used them.
Having a to-do list on my phone? Not as easy as advertised. Not having a notebook has made note-taking haphazard and clumsy.
I'm going to be much more deliberate and purposeful about it next year. And go back to my notebooks over digital.
Space
I am so disorganized. Again!
Somewhat because I didn't have a good planning system. Somewhat because I was distracted by writing Defiance.
I started the year with the idea that I would clean and organize my space, purge, and clear some space. That hasn't happened. Some of it was because my friend moved in. Some of it was because my aunt gave me a new piece of furniture (a roll-top writing desk) I needed to make space for and integrate into my room.
My office and room space are a fucking disaster and I must fix it. This will require several days of concentrated, contiguous work. I can't let myself keep putting it off. Because it will take a full, granular re-organization and purge.
My garage is a mess. This bothers me. A lot. Because that's where Mom's hoard lived. About three or four years ago, I finally cleaned out the last of her hoard and my garage was open, clean and neat. I was very proud of that, and by the end of this year, I will get back to that. Somehow.
Cleaning out Mom's hoard was huge moment for me. A profound exhale of years of stress and frustration.
Now, my garage looks like a hoarder's stash again.
But it's not my stuff.
My ex left her stuff there in 2023. Some of it needs to be sold, some of it I will just mail to her mother and let them figure out. That's going to be expensive, but it needs to happen.
Right at the end of 2025, a project was delivered by movers. A friend moved away a few years ago, and a lot of her stuff was in a storage unit. Now, everything that was in the storage unit is in my garage. I need to go through it, repack it, and send it off.
I thought it would be a couple of boxes, not half of what she owned!
It may take all year. And there's some of it I won't be able to ship, I think. She and I will have to figure out that stuff little by little.
But by the end of 2026, the garage will be clean again. My closets will be organized again. And my space will be organized and fully usable again.
I also would like to do some serious cleaning and purging through the rest of the house.
Social
Socializing has never been easy for me.
I've done well with it throughout my life, though. Through lots of effort. Energy. Moreso for me than other people I know. I am aggressively introverted.
I did well until lockdown, where my natural inclination to be a hobbit and not socialize was rewarded and encouraged.
So I do not have an in-person gaming group. I do not have an in-person writing group.
I do have friends I can go hang out with, but stairs. Most of them have second floor apartments. Or are at least an hour's drive away. However, I think I am going to have to start planning for some of those drives. I also know of an in-person writing group and I know of a social group I can.
I have made an effort to be on voice chats more often, which I have enjoyed greatly. I do not intend to stop doing this. But I will be more intentional about it and schedule better.
The 'Bump' List
Yeah. So. Alas.
There is a list of things I have had on my to-do lists for years. Some, almost a decade! I am going to take the time and effort this year to knock (some of) these things out. I am very unhappy with myself that I haven't spent the time to work on these projects, even when I've had the time!
Some of it is forgetting this list when I have time.
A lot of these things are just personal organization - which, hello. I will feel much better once I get done. Consolidating where things are and reducing the amount of work I need to do to keep myself sorted and organized.
Some of these things are paperwork or future planning things, and as I get further into my forties, I start to realize I need to get on the ball on some of those things, at least enough that I can rest a bit easier.
There's no reason the list of things I 'bump' from week to week, month to month, and year to year can't be a lot shorter by the time I roll into 2027.
Routine
I need to fix mine. I do so much better when I have a routine. I get more done. I feel better. I feel happier. I am more comfortable and content with myself and my life. I need to re-establish some daily habits. I have the discipline and I have the ability.
It's been a long time since I've had this particular problem, which means I know I can get back to a better routine. I've already started.
To be fair, I've had a lot of disruptions in my routines this year, which contributed to them falling apart, but both organizing my space and re-setting my planning tools will go a long way to helping with this.
Use My Tools
The biggest thing I did this year was not using my tools - or not using my tools the right way.
I have a lot of fantastic tools at my fingertips. I teach these tools. I need to use these tools that I teach (again) and stop sighing at myself all the time. I cannot let myself off the hook anymore.
I have recovered (as much as I can) from the embolisms in 2024. I have learned the lessons of 2025, and I cannot avoid the fact that I am falling closer and closer to what the ancient Greeks called akrasia. Especially since part of my identity is built on leaning more towards Enkrateia.
Sounds silly. Or even snooty. But it's true. I think about these things. (Just one more thing that makes me the most boring man in the world!)
