I realized something today..
10 days ago was when I became a year clean. Since then. I've been thinking. What if I'm not a year clean? Yeah I haven't cut in a year but I've hurt myself purposely hundreds of times since then. Whether it's emotionally. Or physically. Like overthinking things I shouldn't. Purposely pushing my limits. Ignoring my problems. Turning the water on so hot in the shower that it burns my skin and I keep going until I can't deal with it anymore. Punching walls. Doors. Anything hard enough to cause pain. Holding everything in and putting all my stress onto my body. Which destroys it. And in ways I've stopped myself from getting better. I haven't let my past go. I don't even know if I can. I don't get meds for the things I should. I ignore whatever's wrong with my heart and refuse to get it checked out. I hold everything in. I smoke. Which is just causing more damage to my body. I don't sleep. Even if I'm super tired I'll just stay up till I pass out. I've done all of this for so long that I just do it unconsciously. I'm not sure what to do. My mind's a mess. -October 12th