#bpd.iso

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i fucking hate being an insomniac when im not manic??? i have a commission to be working on and i have a resume to be working on and i have songs to be rehearsing for chorus but i can’t fucking get ANYTHING done because executive dysfunction Is A Fuck and i just cant... do anything

i mean mania sucks dont get me wrong because yknow my brains going a mile a minute if not faster and im trying to do 5 things at once and get burned out in about an hour but like?? at least i fucking get shit done???

instead of sitting here like a fucking jackass staring at my screen for 16 hours a fucking day without the function to literally feed myself let alone do anything i need to be doing

if i had to choose one or the other i’d choose mania tbh (watch as soon as im manic i’ll claim i’d choose to be depressed just watch)

[pastcloudfromffvii]

as positive as i try to be about being borderline, i fucking hate it? same with autism but to a much lesser extent. i dont actively hate being autistic, i love it, there’s just some stuff that sucks. its a lot easier to be positive about being autistic, imo.

neither of these things can be cured, and they don’t need to be. they can only be managed, and that’s not a bad thing. but my god sometimes i wish i wasn’t bpd. fucking hell

[pastcloudfromffvii]

well i guess i can start mourning properly now that i know it wasn’t a mistake.

[pastcloudfromffvii]

i need a new icon which fucks me up a bit but i’d keep this icon for a while even if i did already have a new one just to make sure ppl got used to the change first because i know it sure fucks me up when names and icons change all at once lmao

The Disorder (borderline) is gnawing at the back of my brain like Change Back! Change Back! Your Online Presence And Identity Aren’t Fluid! which yknow is part of the whole identity disturbance thing (and stuff like this isn’t something a lot of people tend to think about when it comes to identity disturbance) but honestly? Shut Up Brain, Go Take A Nap

[pastcloudfromffvii]

i'm assuming you're talking about the feather cap person. i scoured their blog and there's no instance of you being mentioned at all until people sending anons about you

that’s because what happened literally happened just before the dummy-blog that was calling them on it sent the asks. there’s also a person or two pointing the misgendering out in reblogs but those have been ignored.

like i’m not engaging them because i’m blocked and i’m not one to circumnavigate blocks, but i did go check once it was brought to my attention. being called (or implied to be) cis (which is what they did by using me as Exhibit ACZ of Cis Monos making queer peoples’ posts about them) might not bother some people but like, it matters to me a lot bc intersex and culture so.

but yea between the My Gender Doesn't Exist Anymore and the Intersex People Can't Be Trans shit i get sometimes my non-cisness being ignored is one of the things that switches on the BPD Identity Hyperfocus, which is something i’ve been working on but progress is obviously slow

regardless of whether it’s with anons or dummy accounts, discussing whether or not i’ve been misgendered without my imput is kinda ??? especially when they’re insisting that it’s Standing Up For Myself and not I Called This Person Cis Without Realising And Maybe Should Apologise Or At Least Take It Back

they’re not going to apologise considering they can’t actually keep straight who and who they haven’t misgendered, but. Shrugs, Shrugs, i’m gonna be upset about this for a bit either way, so.

you didn’t ask for a novel lmao but hey, that’s how it happens i guess

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@34-27 i can’t @ u but uh. i put it in for a laugh and part of me is really not laughing jesus CHRIST

i love having a disorder that’s never demonised or misrepresented god i read the piece of shit article (bc i love to suffer) and it is embarrassing

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i feel like a lot of people here and on twitter think i take myself way too seriously and to that i say: thats because im better at taking myself inappropriately seriously than anyone else and i’ll fucking prove it

but idk i just? i need labels and lists to recognise myself as a person a lot of the time and like. maybe one day i won’t need them but for now knowing what’s caused by being borderline, what’s caused by being autistic, what’s caused by being psychotic and what’s relevant to other alters is really helpful.

[tombraideradjacent]

drawing ffxv related stuff for the first time in a good year and a half (its tonbuddy :> i love him) and it’s. nice. i’ve been avoiding ffxv for Reasons but i think it’s dulled enough now that i can like. enjoy playing around with the characters again. i hope so.