#brain crap

[bethany-sensei]

My jerkass brain: it’s time to feel bad about not knowing how to market my writing to get an audience of more than five people for my totally free stories about queer characters in fantasy settings

or, idk, maybe I’m just hungry or something

I didn’t mean to turn this into a poll but mobile won’t let me undo it, so:

My jerkass brain is right and I should feel bad

My brain is telling lies like brains do

Dude, just go eat a food!

Voting ended onFeb 25, 2024

[cakesexuality]

For a really long time, I’ve had a playlist on YouTube of videos I like to watch when I’m not feeling well, and the first section of this playlist is all about chronic illnesses (both mental and physical).  I’ve shared the list with a few people and have been working on making a public version for other people and a private version for myself (since I want to add some unlisted Patreon videos), but they’re both under construction at the moment, so in the meantime, I’d like you guys to have this post full of links to specific illness-related videos!

(Adding a cut because this ended up getting really long)

Living with a Chronic Disease  |  hankschannel  |  This is a video I stumbled upon around the time I got sick with eosinophilic bronchitis, it was really helpful at that time, and it became helpful again when it turned out that I have a connective tissue disorder as well.  I remember talking with a therapist about me using YouTube to cope and specifically citing the bit where Hank says that becoming chronically ill is like becoming a parent.

SILENT HILL 2 AND DEPRESSION*  |  Jordan Underneath  |  The second installment of Silent Hill Month.  Jordan talks about Silent Hill 2 being his “depression game” and how the game feels like depression to him. This was the introduction of the character Sad Jordan.

Living with Chronic Pain and EDS  |  Simon and Martina  |  This was the first Eat Your Kimchi video I ever watched, and I found it when I was searching around one day for stuff about chronic illness/chronic pain/Ehlers-Danlos/hypermobility.

On Mental Illness (and the end of Pizzamas)  |  vlogbrothers |  The last day of Pizzamas 2015, where John talks about obsessive-compulsive disorder and life with chronic illness.

Tips on Interacting with a Sick Person*  |  The Clairity Project  |  Another channel I found while searching for videos and channels about chronic illness.  I’m putting this video here because I want to include Claire on this list.  She has cystic fibrosis but some of this advice could apply to other illnesses.

NEW YEARS DIY - Ideas to make goals in spite of your chronic illness*  |  Gifted Life  |  Like Claire, Lauren has cystic fibrosis, I found her while looking for videos/channels that cover chronic illness, and I’d like to put her here.  In this video, she talks about setting multiple small goals for yourself throughout the year instead one big New Year’s resolution.

Chronic Illness: An honest discussion w/ Hank Green & Kati Morton  |  Kati Morton  |  Hank talks with Kati, a licensed marriage and family therapist, about living with ulcerative colitis.

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and Invisible Illness  |  Simon and Martina  |  Simon made this in May 2016 for EDS awareness month, and he’s by himself here because Martina was in Canada at the time and it’s a topic she doesn’t like discussing.

Animal Crossing (Edgiest Game)*  |  Jordan Underneath |  This was originally titled “Animal Crossing + Depression.”  Sad Jordan makes an appearance and Anxiety Jordan is introduced.  Jordan talks about playing Animal Crossing as an adult with anxiety and depression, Tom Nook’s capitalism, and the villagers mocking him for being up late.  Funny enough, he uploaded this video while I was laying in bed and unable to sleep at 10pm because anxiety and anorexia were having a field day in my brain; I sat on the couch with a cup of tea and watched this a few times over before becoming tired enough to go back to bed and fall asleep.

Chronic Illness and Mental Health  |  Kati Morton  |  Kati talking about how having a chronic illness can affect your social life and mental health.

Framing  |  vlogbrothers  |  John talks about OCD again and how what you see on someone’s social media isn’t the whole story of that person’s life.

LIMBO: How I Fight Depression, Anxiety, and OCD - Jordan’s Basement  |  Jordan Underneath  |  One of the let’s plays Jordan’s made available for people who don’t support his Patreon.  Here, he shares tips that he’s found helpful in coping with generalised anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and major depression.

Draw My Life - Martina’s Story*  |  simonandmartinabonus  |  Martina talks a bit about how she got diagnosed with EDS and the car accident she was in, as well as a bunch of non-pain-related topics.

Your Illness is Not Your Fault  |  vlogbrothers  |  Hank talks about receiving unwanted advice on how to “cure” your chronic illness and the feeling that you did something to deserve or cause your disease.

PTSD - I’m Not Perfect  |  Stef Sanjati  |  Stef discusses her diagnosis of complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

KIRBY: The Making of Silent Hill 2 (100 Patron Special!) - Jordan’s Basement*  |  Jordan Underneath  |  Another one of the let’s plays Jordan has made available to non-Patrons.  Among a few other topics, Jordan talks about depression and the making of “Silent Hill 2 and Depression.”

Here’s What I Can do with my Elbows! Thanks EDS!*  |  Open the Happy  |  Martina doing a hypermobility “trick.”  I can do this, too!  I was doing it on the back (or was it the arm?) of a patio chair at a Canada Day party last summer!  I’ve shown people this video to help them understand what being hypermobile means.

Reflections: Day 70  |  100days  |  John explains what intrusive thoughts and OCD are and talks about finding some of the things in 100 Days helpful for his mental health.

10 Things I Wish People Knew About Living With Chronic Illness (Cystic Fibrosis)  |  Mika Chan Cosplay  |  Hannah Rose talks about what she wants people to understand about having cystic fibrosis.  Her humor feels kinda Millennial to me and I love it.

Mario 64 vs Depression  |  Jordan Underneath  |  In which Jordan bickers with Sad Jordan while playing Mario.  “Animal Crossing (Edgiest Game)” was made to be in the same vein as this video.

*These videos aren’t actually on my “feel better” playlists right now, but they’re still about illness, I still enjoy them, and I still feel like sharing them here

[thealpacalypse-archive]

it’s so strange that, around this time last year I was probably at my lowest - just really heavily depressed, dissociating all the time, really delusional, isolated and homesick 

and this year i got this great internship, i get to see amazing operas, at work I do something I actually studied to do, and love doing, something i’m good at. like, i just casually see Jonas Kaufmann every day, and this week i’ve been to the opera (or a concert, or ballet, or a play) almost every single night and just DAMN i’m so friggin’ lucky!!!

but like

sometimes I still feel like nothing has changed.

[cakesexuality]

I love seeing shit posts and other weird stuff like that when I can’t think straight because they get even more nonsensical than they’re supposed to be

[seregkat]

Health crap under the cut.

Where do I even start

I have a lot of problems with headaches, migraines, and being insanely tired 100% of the time. I have hypothyroidism and my TSH has been elevated, and keeps rising even after increasing my Levothyroxine. (For those unfamiliar with hypothyroidism -- high TSH means your thyroid isn't working correctly. Levothyroxine should decrease my TSH.) I'm on my third dosage increase this year.

I also have some balance issues. And more and more I've noticed that sometimes I just get dizzy. It's whatever.

But I finally got an MRI (no contrast) of my brain done a few weeks ago, to try to see if something is causing my headaches and migraines.

It turns out that I have a relatively uncommon condition called Chiari malformation type 1. (There's a humorous interaction I foresee with my counselor soon. I've been claiming for a long time that there's something wrong with my brain. My counselor says no. I'm going to start our next session with "Hey, you know how I've been saying for years that something is wrong with my brain? I WAS RIGHT. IN YOUR FACE, DAVID." Because that's a healthy way to cope with shit.)

Anywho. Chiari malformation type 1 -- pretty much, my cerebellar tonsils aren't completely in my skull like they should be. They partially hang down into my cervical spinal canal.

Here's the difference (gleefully stolen from Practical Neurology):

The one on the left is normal. The one on the right is an example of a Chiari malformation type 1.

So anyway, it can cause some of the symptoms that I have. However, my headaches and migraines differ from classic Chiari headaches. And my neurosurgeon doesn't think that my symptoms are caused by my malformation.

Chiari symptoms can be relieved by having a decompression surgery done. Can't say I was overly thrilled about the potential for having brain surgery, but whatever. And of course, with my weight, the surgery would be very risky -- you have to be prone when they do this surgery and my weight makes that risky. Hell, when I had a lipoma removed from my back during high school (which was MANY, MANY pounds ago), I ended up with petechiae and burst vessels in my eyes due to breathing problems because of how I was positioned then. Anyway, my neurosurgeon didn't think that my symptoms were necessarily caused by Chiari, so it's all good. He's more concerned with my eyes -- being obese can cause some intracranial pressure issues that can mess with your eyes (and I have a lot of light sensitivity), so he's referred me to an ophthalmologist. That appointment is in a couple of weeks. (And I had already scheduled an appointment with an optometrist because I was worried about my eyes anyway.)

But: one big problem with Chiari is that it can impact the flow of your cerebrospinal fluid which can cause big problems. And it can cause a syrinx, which is a cyst full of cerebrospinal fluid and that puts pressure on your spinal cord. So to be sure, my neurosurgeon ordered a Cine MRI to check the spinal fluid flow.

I did that yesterday. (And B, if you read this -- I asked them to play metal during the MRI and the first song that played was Ghost's cover of "Jesus He Knows Me" and that made me laugh.) I haven't heard anything back officially, and my follow up with the neurosurgeon isn't until June, but I did get the results in MyChart yesterday and there does appear to be decreased biphasic flow of cerebrospinal fluid. And I just don't know what this means. So that's fun.

Regarding my fatigue and thyroid issues: I finally got a referral to an endo and have to wait until SEPTEMBER to see them. Good luck to me until then.

I've also been trying to research bariatric surgery stuff and decide what I want to try to have done. This was already in the process before all the Chiari shit started. It had been put on the back burner with the brain MRI stuff, but now that decompression surgery looks like a possibility sometime in the future it's become more imperative that I have bariatric surgery done. (Sometimes you have to have a psych eval done before bariatric surgery, so that will be fun!)

So...yeah. I think that about, uh, sums it up for now.

[comedypony]

Having a bad OCD time lads.

Love having a video loop of the accident that killed my horses going in my head 24/7. You know, that accident that I didn’t actually see and have just vividly imagined for myself to watch on repeat.

I am also fixating on the idea that I need to sell my saddle asap. Because even if it sort of fits Clark, I bought it specifically for the icies and I’m just not sure I can use it again. Plus if I sell it I could get a little bit of survival cash. But that plan has led to obsessing about what saddle I could get for Clark, cause I think I maybe want to start him English. But this is a completely pointless line of thought because I have no money at all whatsoever.

Everything is circular and the circle is not great bob.

[bisquid]

Brains are useless oh my god I am losing my shit in the quietest most ridiculous way possible

[cakesexuality]

In a couple weeks I might be stopping Ritalin so I can go back on Wellbutrin but then that means I won't get to have pillboxes in all of Sparx's colours