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running my fingers through my hair is my main stim but my hair smells Wrong a lot of the time and I don’t know how to make it not be that way and the ends are so rough and awful today and I am not having a good time but I Gotta keep touching it even though it’s a sensory ick????? why
me: I'm probably neurotypical and just making up all of my symptoms
also me: *sucks thumb while swaying side to side*
me: is brainweird at grandmother and apologizing and trembling nana: is supportive and comforting me: leaves, paranoia thwarted me: isn't paying attention bc (!) and runs headfirst into doorway of nana's room me: 😎😭🙃 i am broken and pathetic
It’s interesting how a lot of my possibly-autistic characteristics didn’t show up until really recently (which makes me feel like they’re not really valid but anyway.) and there could be a variety of reasons for that - maybe the way my early life was - there wasn’t a good marker for “normal” because my brother is autistic - and also I’ve seen people say that some signs of developmental disabilities show up later in AFAB people, and maybe some of it is the big ways my life has changed recently (college). And also...
When I was a kid there was always the expectation that I was The Neurotypical Child so I was kinda in denial of things that were Different about me. Maybe after a while I sorta subconsciously didn’t let myself be visibly weird. Like, I never, ever handflapped until really recently (like, when I started college). That’s... kinda odd. The reasons above kinda explain it, but also... I think that was also the time that I learned it was ok to do that sort of thing. I'm, learning to embrace things that are part of me even if they seem “weird”. I flap when I’m super happy and that’s just a thing I do! I also flap when I am particularly nervous and hey, it’s better than just keeping it all inside! Talking to people is easier if I can fidget with something or bounce/swing my legs and that is fine! Same goes for paying attention in class! Why am I using so many exclamation points? No idea! (well actually I’m using them to try to make myself be positive, maybe it’s working?)
(The main reason I am writing this is the other night I was talking to some other people and we were having a really good time and laughing and I started to happy-flap and they were like “aww it’s great how you do that!” and I was like “heck yeah it is!”)
writing this whole post was meta. i meant to jokingly post "lmao i just cleaned like 25 kleenex off my bed #lildepressionthings" I got as far as "lmao i just cleaned like 25 kleenex-- mid sentence i typed "dying" then jumped two lines and wrote: "begin quote" i actually wrote out the sentence: "i feel like i'm repressing someone dying" before i remembered putting gidget down on monday i'm so trained to repress animal death but gidgie does deserve to be mourned" i also realized just now that i'm about three weeks off my antidepressant because of insurance stuff and "end quote" then remembered i'm acting like this cause of meds! and on my period! and having finals! it'll be ok this will pass!!! note: as i realized this and edited this post my eyes leaked i only know cause I'm wearing a clay mask and my cheeks are getting wet i wouldn't have known otherwise and i felt chill and didn't know i was upset enough to cry ????? i'm gonna stop writing and take a shower
