Breakdown
Rhekker; No one has ever seen Connor like this; for good reason
Canon connection: 3x19
Word count: 2879
CW: Canon typical medical stuff, Connor is Struggling
***
Losing a patient was never easy but Connor thought he had long since accepted the fact. It was bound to happen, especially as a trauma surgeon, and he’d seen just about everything. Making the hard decisions and advocating for patients was difficult, especially when it was not only his patient’s life at risk but also her unborn child.
The worst part was always telling the family, having to admit that he hadn’t been able to fix things like he claimed. Ava always said he had trouble with making promises before they were certain it would work but Connor just wanted to ease their worries. With Taylor’s mother it was different, she watched as her daughter hemorrhaged on that bed, all because of the damn blood thinners. She had been right there when they had to stop in the hallway, when her heart stopped because of a clot he could have prevented if he had just listened to Ava’s concerns. She bore witness to the way Connor lost control and how his colleague had to be the one to remind him it was too late; she was gone.
She didn’t have the good fortune to be sat down in a conference room with a warm drink to hear the apologies and be able to learn of her daughter’s death in a gentle way. Instead she was right there the whole time, the only thing she could do was cast the blame to Connor. He stood still while she yelled at him, taking the hits because in a way she was right. It was his fault; he did this.
After Ms. Barker had been coaxed away by some nurses, who promised to help her with the paperwork once she calmed down, Connor was frozen in his spot. He made eye contact with Natalie but the look of pity she had for him only made it feel worse. He didn’t deserve anyone’s pity, he had ruined not one but two lives and prevented that woman from ever becoming a grandmother. He let his ego impede on his proper judgment, wanting to save two lives before one had even started even though it was not viable.
His hands shook as he left the CICU, feeling overwhelmed with nervous energy. It was times like this where Connor felt helpless, like he had let everyone down. He hated that his brain immediately jumped to the thought that Doctor Downey would be disappointed with him, feeling lost without his first CT mentor.
He had just made up his mind once he stepped in front of the window that looked into the operating room setup for the twin separation simulator. Ava was there, her distinctive purple scrub cap tied neatly and her back to the window. She was surveying the simulation’s hearts, just like she would in the real surgery, and Connor knew she was probably running through it all in her mind. She could do this surgery well, she could separate the twins’ hearts better than anyone.
Doctor Latham was the first to notice Connor when he finally gathered his composure enough to walk into the doorway, “Doctor Rhodes, good. We’re just about to get started.”
Connor didn’t move, staying almost frozen in the doorway. Ava had turned when Latham addressed him, her face a mixture of concern and a pitying smile. Of course she probably guessed how his talk with Taylor’s mother went; she knew all about grieving parents. Still, she didn’t ask about it, knowing Connor wouldn’t want to discuss why he looked on the verge of tears.
“Are you coming?”
Connor evaded her questioning gaze, she knew him too well and he was not about to cry in front of their mentor. Instead, he turned to the man in question, who was looking between them quizzically. He took a breath, preparing himself for a whirlwind of questions because he knew neither of them would understand.
“Doctor Latham, with your permission, I would like to remove myself from the team”
Both doctors immediately moved closer, Latham finally seeming to pick up that something was not right. Doctor Rhodes, usually so certain of himself, would never pass up such a groundbreaking operation. Connor knew his attending would be perplexed, but it was the disappointed look from Ava that hurt ten times more.
Latham paused for a breath before asking, “Why?”
No one acknowledged the way his voice shook just a little, though they all heard it loud and clear, “I think it would be best for the patients and everyone involved.”
It was clear that neither of them understood what he could mean by that, so Connor continued, “A surgery with this level of difficulty and in that environment… I don't know that I can trust my judgment.”
“Are you… sure about this?”
“Yes.”
Latham, not quite sure about the situation, decided to give Connor the benefit of the doubt, “Mm, very well.”
Ava wanted to protest, he could see it in her face, but she didn’t. Instead she looked at her colleague with the saddest eyes he had ever seen from her. A billion silent questions were thrown at him when they made eye contact, none of which Connor had the composure to answer.
Are you okay? What happened? What the fuck are you thinking?
He didn’t say anything else, just turned on his heels and left the OR. Maybe if he had stayed a little longer he would have seen the pain that crossed Ava’s face, worry for him overwhelming her. Sure they argued and competed like it was the only thing they lived for, but she genuinely cared about Connor and this was not like him at all. When Doctor Latham asked if she was ready to practice again, Ava’s head was clouded and she knew she would only fail the simulation.
“Actually, Doctor Latham… Could I go check on Connor? I will come back to practice but I just think something might be wrong and I would like to confirm he’s okay.”
“Doctor Rhodes just told us he is lacking confidence,” Latham replied, “Which is good, since he should not operate if he is unsure. Why do you think something is wrong?”
“He was not acting like himself… I am just worried, since he lost a patient this afternoon.”
“I see… Very well, go make sure all is okay. Do return soon, though, Doctor Bekker. Practice makes for no mistakes come surgery day.”
“Of course,” Ava mumbled back, already halfway to the door and pulling her gloves off hastily. She had a feeling where she would find Connor, remembering a similar situation from not long ago. The surgeon just barely had to forethought to toss her PPE into the garbage can before she left the room, preoccupied. She knew Connor was kicking himself for his treatment plan for Taylor, since the clotting valve could have been avoided. Still, removing himself from a surgery that could solidify one’s career in cardiothoracics was daft, even for him.
The locker room where they kept their things on the CT floor seemed empty, the door swinging open to reveal the benches and lockers immersed in shadows. Ava knew better, though, and she walked in as quietly as possible. She peeked around the corner, seeing just who she expected to find.
Connor was on one of the benches, elbows resting on his legs to support his hanging head. She couldn’t see his face, hidden in his hands like he was trying to block out the rest of the world. Ava worried that interrupting such a vulnerable moment might only anger him, especially since Connor deflected his ‘weaker’ emotions through outbursts, but she hated to leave him there in silence.
“Connor, why the fuck did you give up the surgery? You know I hate winning by default.”
“Ava, I’m really not in the mood,” the defensive hostility was there but his heart clearly wasn’t in it. He made no move to get away from her when she approached, though he avoided eye contact completely.
“You can’t pull something like that and expect me to leave you alone,” Ava reminded him as she dropped the initial playful annoyance, “What the hell are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking that I just… I killed that woman,” he removed his hands from his face, “She could have lived.”
Ava sighed, knowing where this was going, “Connor, death is a risk for any patient. We did everything we could given the circumstances.”
“It’s not that, Ava. If I… If I hadn’t been so hell bent on saving an unviable pregnancy…”
“She could have still died,” she stepped closer, silently gauging the mood before she invaded his personal space. Connor’s hostility had dropped completely, though he stayed hunched over as if trying to make himself look smaller. Ava sat down on the bench next to him, “We didn’t have the porcine valve and even if we terminated the pregnancy, the placenta tamponading due to the heparin was incredibly likely.”
“It was the valve that killed her,” he finally looked at her, “I did that.”
Ava had never seen him like this, not to this degree. Connor’s normally steady hands shook as if he couldn’t control his energy, fumbling with the tube of his stethoscope as a distraction. He wasn’t crying, not yet, but somehow that made it even worse. The tears that threatened to spill over made his piercing eyes look so much softer, forlorn, and Ava felt her heart twinge. It almost felt far more intimate than they had ever been physically, to see him break down like this.
“Hey, don’t do that,” she nudged his shoulder gently, “These things happen. I’m sorry we lost her but you did not do this on purpose.”
“I know…”
They dissolved into silence again, Ava watching him cautiously. It was strange, seeing him so upset and not reacting by yelling. It almost hurt more than it ever did when he got mad at her. Anger she could handle, but seeing the man, who she only ever saw confident and strong, this broken was a whole new level of pain. It started with one tear, trailing down his cheek and landing on the dark fabric of his scrub top. That was when Ava really got it, when she realized this probably wasn’t just about his patient.
“Connor…” She didn't want to push it but she couldn’t bear to see him cry, “Please don’t. Just talk to me.”
He only shook his head, prompting more tears to spring to his eyes. Eye contact burned in that moment so all he could do was look down, afraid to let his guard down. In a way he knew he could trust Ava, yet part of him still screamed at him to push her away. He couldn’t be this vulnerable, it wasn’t safe, not with anyone. Her gaze held only concern but Connor was too afraid to keep talking, worried it would only make him break more.
“Christ,” Ava sighed at his stubbornness, “At least come here. Please?”
Ava had to admit that she felt an immense relief wash over her when he complied, turning slightly to let her hug him. She could feel the way he shook a little against her, not quite relaxed as if he was ready to flee at a moment’s notice. To see a man so prone to fighting look like a deer caught in traffic was somehow heartbreaking. All she could do was tighten her arms around Connor, not wanting to speak as if the silence was the only thing keeping him there.
So they sat. Neither mentioned the tears that began to fall steadily, even though Ava felt them on her shoulder. Connor let himself relax a little, arms coming up to cling to Ava because she was the sense of security he lacked. He was trying so hard to keep his breathing even, too ashamed to sob audibly even though it was all Connor wanted to do.
“I know, it’s okay,” Ava never sounded more gentle with him and it was both mortifying and comforting. On one hand it was nice to have a vulnerable moment with her when all they did lately was clash. Yet it also made Connor feel too exposed, hearing her comfort him like one would an injured animal. He didn’t answer, knowing his voice would crack and make it feel so much worse.
The clock on the wall she could see behind him told her that time was passing quickly. Doctor Latham would get impatient and page her soon, she knew that. Still, Ava didn’t have the heart to be the first to let go. Even if he would never admit it, Connor needed this comfort more than anything and despite everything they had been through she knew he needed her. Surgery practice could wait, hopefully for a time when they were both in the mindset to return. They both deserved a fighting chance at being the assist, so she was determined to make Connor come back.
“The twins need you,” her voice was barely a murmur in his ear, “You deserve a shot at this as much as I do.”
“I can’t…” he sighed shakily before continuing, “I- After today I just can’t… I can’t trust myself.”
“You won’t be lead surgeon,” the reminder stung more than she intended, “But this family trusts you, so does Doctor Latham; they need you.”
“They shouldn’t…”
“Connor, for the love of-” she huffed and pulled back a bit to look at him, “I need you. You keep me sharp and I wouldn’t be half as good of a surgeon without you and our competition.”
The stunned silence was deafening, Ava partially regretting her words the second they came out. The vulnerability of the moment had her a bit too comfortable and she was afraid admitting something like that would make things weird. It was true, in a sense, that she needed him. He was her only friend in Chicago, her one connection that kept her from becoming a hermit in her apartment. She hadn’t had a meaningful relationship, platonic or otherwise, in a very long time. She hated him sometimes, mostly because no room was big enough for both of their egos, but he was familiar. Connor was her safety, in some twisted way, and part of Ava hoped she gave him the same security.
“Ava…”
“I’m serious, you need to smarten up because… I can’t do this without you. I know you have trauma to fall back on but… you and this job are the only thing keeping me here, Connor. If we don’t do this surgery perfectly the media will destroy us, our program; everything. We need your brain and your skills, dumbass.”
It was the final word that made him laugh a little, swiping away residual tears, “You’re kind of pushy, dumbass.”
“Only because you need a good shove,” she retorted, “You can do this, you know.”
Connor was happy to see their playful banter coming back, it eased any awkwardness from the emotional moment and made him feel a bit more at ease. Her pager was beeping, the shrill sound in her pocket breaking the moment as she expected. Connor didn’t seem to mind, but he did eventually let go of Ava, who looked at him curiously before speaking again.
“You okay?”
“I will be,” he answered slowly, “I just… need some time.”
“Then take it,” she was the first to stand and dust off the back of her scrubs, “I can cover your post-ops if you promise you’ll come back tomorrow.”
“Tempting,” he smiled weakly at her, “Thank you.”
“Well someone has to keep your dumb ass in check, huh?” She finally fished the device out of her pocket when the beeping became unbearable. It was Latham, asking where she was like she knew would happen.
“Duty call, do you need anything? Seriously.”
“I’m good,” Connor shooed her off, “Go before he starts paging me too.”
He wasn’t expecting her to stoop down and lean in so close, pressing a kiss to his cheek, “You did what you could today. Learn from it, don’t let it hurt you.”
When the blonde turned on her heel to leave the room, Connor sat there, frozen. A kiss on the cheek was tame, especially given their history, but it wasn’t why he was left stunned. Ava was always competitive, she rarely gave up opportunities that would benefit her. He thought she would have been happy to have the surgery fall to her, even if it was a bittersweet thing. The fact that she not only sought him out but admitted that she needed him hit much harder than he ever expected. Ava Bekker was an interesting person and Connor realized he may not have her completely figured out.
With her words still running through his mind, Connor stood. He would go home and think, try to learn from his mistakes so that something like Taylor’s situation never happened again on his watch. First, however, he had a mother to apologize to; Ms. Barker deserved closure more than anyone.