How to Break off a Toxic Friendship...or at least how to recognize youāre in one
Ā Ā Iāve been thinking for a while about how to write this post, mainly because the story is long and complicated, but also because it deals with an issue that EVERYONE experiences from time to time. Even if a friend isnāt completely toxic (which mine turned out to be), we all outgrow friendships sometimes. Itās part of life. I also donāt want to waste 500 words on my personal life, even though I know everyone likes a little bit of gossip and drama that doesnāt involve them. So, whoāsĀ up for some guilt-free reading?
Ā Ā Iāll try to make this summary short and sweet. Basically, I was profoundly wounded, over and over again, by one of myĀ ābestā friends--letās call her Rachel. Lol. Because thatās her name. And Iām not a real journalist, just a personal blogger who happened to get fucked over by her.Ā She was also one of the friends Iāve had the longest, dating back from high school. Many of you who know me, probably know her, or at least know of her. So. Rachel decided to get married, and asked me to be her maid of honor. She lives in Florida, and I live in Spain. Recognizing the financial challenges this would present me with, I still wholeheartedly agreed to be her maid of honor, although I did suggest that maybe one of her friends who also lived in Florida should share the role me, as I obviouslyĀ wouldnāt be able to plan a bridal shower or bachelorette party, because, duh. I live thousands of miles away. (She rejected this option, for the record.) For the following 15 months, we talked only about her wedding. And the rhetoric got more and more brutal--and more and more hurtful--as we went, especially as I reached what I will call myĀ āfinancial limitā, also known as a budget.
Ā Ā When that finally happened, and I officially couldnāt spend any more money on makeup, hair, or anything else, it became much clearer where I stood with her and how little I meant to her. But since I live so far away, it was easy to push to the back of my mind and not think about. Here is just one example (my second favorite one, Iām saving my favorite one for later) of the conversations we would have: Rachel wanted me to spend $70 to get my hair done, which I realize is not a ridiculous amount, but after having spent SO much money on a flight, a rental car, the dress, etc., I was feeling particularly strapped for cash, and so I told her that getting my hair done was just not in the cards for me.
Ā Ā āWell we have 83 days until the wedding...couldnāt you just save $1 a day?ā
Ā Ā Honestly, I was shocked. Where was my friend? Where was her compassion, her empathy for me? I tried to continue:
Ā Ā āItās just that Iāve already spent a lot of money, and I stillĀ I have so much left to pay for, itās going to be a really expensive trip, and plus, I think that the most important thing is that I will be there on your special day.ā
Ā Ā I was met with silence. Silence that lasted for so long, I started to count the seconds as they went by. Letās just say that was an awkward conversation closer. She later (as in a completely different conversation later on) went on to tell me that she āknew she was being pettyā but she hadĀ āpaid a lot of money for a photographerā so she deserved to be petty. Again, where did my friend go?
Ā Ā Iām sure youāre all saying by now, āhow could you not realize that this hideous person wasnāt your friend anymore?ā And all I can say is, I donāt really know. I supposed some part of me knew, but I just didnāt want to see it. I wanted to hope that the friend I had known would come back. As you can tell from the title of this post, she didnāt.
Ā Ā I tried one last time to salvage things. I called her. I told her there was tension between us, and I wanted to clear it away, because she deserved to have nothing but happiness on her wedding day. She blamed me for the tension, saying that I made her feel guilty. This went on for an hour. Even when I told her I felt like she no longer wanted to be my friend anymore, there was no moment where she even pretended to be sorry that she had hurt my feelings.
Ā Ā And here comes my favorite example. As many of you know, I am also getting married in December. (YAY!) And so after we hadĀ ācleared the airā, I asked her if she still wanted to come to my wedding in December, as I would just rather know now than find out later. After making some excuse aboutĀ āplane tickets being expensiveā (REALLY? I didnāt know! *Sarcasm*), she told me,Ā āIt would just be more convenient for me if you could get married in June.ā
!@#^&Y^%$#@!
Ā Ā So I guess that wasnāt really that short, but it was an extremely stressful situation for me, and also the first time in my adult life that I had to cut a toxic "friendā out of my life. I donāt let this show about me (at least I donāt think I do), but I absolutely hate confrontation. I mean, who doesnāt really? And after this last conversation--it would indeed be our last--I had to face the facts. Even though I desperately wanted my friend to come back, she had left a long time ago and it didnāt seem that she was going to return. All I had wanted was an apology, a moment of compassion, where she acknowledged my feelings, but it never happened.Ā
Ā Ā After all of this, I have come up with a couple tips. They might seem pretty simple now, but boy oh boy, just try to remember them when youāre in the thick of it! Would have saved me lots of time and money, not to mention loads of guilt and stress.
1. Listen to the words the person tells you, but pay more attention to their actions. The actions are where itās at, baby. If yourĀ āfriendā is telling you they want to be friends with you, but their actions show a different story, then as Dan Savage says,Ā āDump the motherfucker already!ā Otherwise known as, DTMFA.
2. The moment someone stops showing you the love, compassion, and/or empathy you deserve, leave (because we all fucking deserve those things from the people who supposedly love us). DTMFA! This can be hard to see, and it takes a lot of people treating you shittily to recognize, but man, when you finally do, get the fuck out of there!
3. Listen to your gut. Even when itās whispering. Because 100% of the time, it will be right. Along with this, also pay attention to your physical reaction to things. If your gut clenches, bad sign. If you canāt eat or sleep, get rid of them.
Ā Ā P.S. These all apply to family as well--family members can be toxic, and just because they are family doesnāt mean you have to stick around. The moment I truly learned this, my life improved immensely.
Ā Ā I will leave our last interaction, and quite possibly the moment you've all been waiting for--namely the ādid she go to the wedding moment??ā, here;Ā immortalized on the internet forever, so that I can feel as though I tried my hardest to be a decent person and a decent friend until the very end, and end this post on a contented note (because after all this, I am happier without her in my life):
Me: So this has been one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, but I will not be attending your wedding, and by extension neither will my mom, ToƱo, or Bethany. And it is important to me that you know why. I feel as though we stopped being friends a long time ago and I just didn't realize it..that the most important thing to you is your wedding. While your wedding is important, to me what mattered more is our friendship. And it doesn't seem like you feel the same way, and I am deeply hurt by this. Not once have you asked about how our trip is going, or about the reception we had in erie, or anything about my life at all. I am getting married too and it gives me great joy, and I feel like that should only add to your joy. But it seems to me as though that is not the case, and it confuses me and hurts me. I could go on with more examples, but I think what I've already said suffices. You said our friendship was changing and evolving, but I think it ended a while ago and I just didn't see it. Maybe I'm wrong, but every time we have talked in the last six months (or maybe more) I have left the conversation feeling like shit, and that is not how a friendship should be. I feel like the only thing that matters to you is that I show up to your wedding to keep the numbers even, and that after your wedding you will drop our friendship anyways. Like I said, i could be wrong. But that's what my gut is telling me. So I'm calling it now. I wish you the best and happiest life with Dan and hope you get everything you want. I will cherish our memories.
Rachel:Ā You have caused me so much stress and above all sadness. None of this deserves a reply but you should know that. If you think it's about numbers then that means we lost our friendship even before I thought we did. For the record, I went through a hurricane (and plenty of other life things) and you also never asked how I am. So whatever you're feeling, I feel the same exact way about you and your situation. Good bye.
Ā Ā Pettiness, bullshit, selfishness, and absolutely no compassion or recognition from her until the very end! She truly showed me her true (ugly) self.Ā
Ā Ā By the way, whoever thinks blogging isnāt therapeutic should really try it out, by the way.
