#brian sweeney

[bradshawsbaby]

I read the transcript of Brian Sweeney’s voicemail message to his wife every year, and it never fails to break my heart 💔

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Louise Brealey is Jude McDermid in BBC Three's new series Clique 

 ©  BBC/BALLOON/BRIAN SWEENEY

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Brian Sweeney phone message to his wife Julie. Sept 11, 2001. United Airlines Flight 175

[theliterateape]

Interview with The Ten Year-Old | New Year's Edition

By Brian Sweeney

This is an in-depth New Year’s interview with my girlfriend's 10-year-old daughter, Charlotte.

This is 100 percent real.

So, Charlotte, how old are you?

Ten.

And when is your birthday?

June 8, 2009.

So this is the second time you’ve been around for the end of a decade. Do you remember when you were almost six months old and it changed from 2009 to 2010?

Yeah. It felt like 2018 went around twice.

What?

I don’t know!

Okay. When you were almost six months old do you remember it turning to 2010?

I don’t remember turning it to 2010, but I do remember when it was turning to 2015 and I remember saying, “I’m gonna miss 2014.”

And was that the last time you were happy?

No?

You weren’t even happy then?

No.

Have you ever been happy?

Yeah.

Do you think in 2009 you were happy?

Yeah.

So this decade marks your sadness.

Of course.

Does it feel any different that it’s the end of a decade and not just the end of a year?

[shrugs and makes “I don’t know” sound]

What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

I don’t know. A lot of good things happened. And a lot of bad things happened.

Okay. What’s the best thing? The single best thing?

[silence]

Name one good thing that happened. Anything good.

I got two cute figurines.

Okay. Anything that happened in your life that wasn’t just acquiring something?

[My best friend] got a phone.

Is there anything that happened to you that resonated emotionally with you?

[silence]

You can’t think of one good thing aside from—

Hold on! I’m thinking!

[silence]

I learned how strong I am against Mike.

No. You can’t talk about beating up your little brother as the one good thing that happened this year.

Ugh! Uh…

One good thing.

Uh… Uh… I don’t… Ugh…

Let’s move on since that’s a really hard question for you. Pick three words to describe this past year.

Very. Awkward. Lifetime.

A lifetime? It’s only one year. They can be three separate words that don’t make a sentence.

Okay. Weird… [long pause]

Annoying…

Hey! All right. Weird. Exciting. And derpy.

What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

Now I’m stronger.

Physically?

Physically and mentally.

Mentally you’re stronger?

I don’t freaking know.

Doesn’t seem like you’re mentally stronger if one question makes you fall apart like that.

[laughs]

What was the biggest thing that you’ve learned this past year?

I learned that the human body sucks.

What advice would you like to give yourself as you begin the new year?

[stands up] Stop👏🏻 being👏🏻 a stupid👏🏻 idiot👏🏻.

I don’t think you’ll be able to do that.

Aww. Now I’m sad.

What was the best way you used your time this past year?

YouTube. And actually having fun with myself.

You had fun with yourself?

I know. It’s depressing.

How do you have fun with yourself?

When I’m just enjoying myself in, ah, very mysterious ways.

What would you be most happy about completing in the new year? Like, what is a project that you—

I don’t have any projects.

[silence]

This is a terrible interview.

I know.

What would you most like to change about yourself?

[stands up] Me stopping👏🏻 being👏🏻 a stupid👏🏻 idiot👏🏻.

What brings you the most joy in life?

I think what brings me joy is making jokes about me being a stupid idiot.

What musical artist would you like to see live in concert this next year?

Does it have to be a music star?

Does a musical artist have to be a musical artist? I don’t know what the hell that question means.

I want to see Bobby Duke. Bobby Duke is a wood art designer. He’s super talented and he’s just as funny and just as much of a stupid idiot as me.

Aw. No one’s as stupid as you.

[Charlotte throws a pillow at my head.]

Speaking of—

[Charlotte gets up and starts dancing and waving her arms around]

What is this?

I don’t know! I really don’t! Okay?

Is this what you do—

No!

—when you’re by yourself?

No! I swear!

So, Bobby Duke... There’s a monster named The Babadook. Do you know that?

No.

I’ll ask the question again that you answered Bobby Duke the wood artist, for some reason: What musical artist would you like to see live in concert this next year?

Melanie Martinis?

Martinis?

I don’t know how to say her last name!

MartinEZ!

Oh! [laughs] I’m so sorry! I’m sorry, Melanie! I’m so sorry!

Is Melanie Martinez your favorite now?

Uhh… Yeah.

Do you want hair like she has?

Probably. Sometime in my life.

Which one would you have?

The black and white hair.

How would you like your fashion style to be different this year?

I don’t know. Wear a little more black.

Where would you like to vacation this year? Anywhere in the world.

Ohio.

I said anywhere in the world and you picked two states over.

I like Ohio!

But if I came to you and said, “Hey, I have tickets to Hawaii or we could go to Ohio—”

Well, Hawaii has problems of its own.

What are you talking about?

I have no idea.

Do you think I’m saying you shouldn’t go to Ohio because of the “problems?” I’m just saying out of everywhere in the world, the place you would most want to go to is a state right next to us that you’ve been to before. As opposed to, like, the Galapagos Islands, the Bahamas, Japan. Okay. Ohio.

Yay!

What is a relationship deal breaker for you?

The first thing that came to my head was if they were racist— A couple things. One, if they support Trump. Two, if, like, I’m not blaming them, but if they genuinely really like bugs. I don’t—I hate bugs. Unless if it’s like a butterfly or a moth.

If they were like, “I’m really into bugs, I have a bunch of bugs at home…”

No. Go away. Where’s my gun?

But what if it’s Charlotte the spider? The spider you were named after. You of all people should like spiders. Peter Parker doesn’t hate spiders.

Who’s Peter Parker?

Oh my God. Frickin’ Spider-Man!

I forgot!

Do you want kids?

Well, I guess I would like kids, but, to be honest, I wouldn’t like to—this is weird to say—I maybe wouldn’t want to start, like, raising them. A baby is a lot of hard work, so I bet if I really wanted kids I would adopt a kid.

Past baby age?

I would want them to be, like, around six or seven, where they’re past the baby age, they can talk mostly, but like, there’s half of me that does like kids because, like, it’s cute, they’re fun, nice conversations about them, but also, you have to pay for everything. They don’t come for free. For education and school it’s a lot, and you gotta provide food, you gotta provide toys, you gotta provide, like, everything. So, I want to live kind of cheap. So a lot of me likes the idea of having children, but another part of me is like—if I do end up having a kid, adopted or [biologically], then I’m probably gonna make the man pay for all of it.

Okay, I’m now going to ask you questions that I asked you last year and see what your answers are now. Do you believe in ghosts?

Sometimes.

This is a big change. Last year when I asked you said “No.”

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t, but when I do I make ghosts seem cool. Like, legit cool. Actually cool to be around. Not horror ghosts or something. Just cool. Decent. Nice. Like a ghost you could hang out with.

What's something you hope you grow out of?

What did I say last year?

“Biting my freakin' nails and toenails!”

[Charlotte laughs almost to the point of hyperventilating] Probably, this is a weird thing I do, and I’m being very real. Whenever I get a stuffed animal, I always treat them like they’re an actual person. If I accidentally drop poor Ramen [the stuffed bear] here, I’ll actually feel sad that I hurt him or something. And whenever I have a plushie or something, I’ll always have feelings for them. If I neglect them then I’ll feel sorrow for it.

What would be the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend?

I would want them not to be super jacked or anything. I would like a nice, decent figure. I would want them to be cute in a situation and like something would be funny. I would want them to be kind, of course. I would definitely want them to like drawing and art. Not if they’re good or bad at drawing, but they have nice interests. I would like them to accept how weird and dumb I am and how I make bad decisions pretty much all the time.

What are you most proud of about yourself?

Probably my personality. I am very proud of my personality and how I am.

What is the one thing people always misunderstand about you? 

I think they don’t realize that I’m self-conscious a lot.

Because you are silly a lot so people are like, “Charlotte doesn’t care?”

Yeah. But, a lot of the time I’m self-conscious about how I look, how I act, how people think of me. Not really how they think of me, but more how do I look? And how do I act? Am I acting dumb? Stupid and like an idiot? So, yeah.

What is on your bucket list?

Making money off of art. That’s the one thing that I do want to do in life. Actually selling art or something.

What is your biggest flaw?

I guess being ignorant in a lot of situations. Not so much being like, dumb on purpose or on accident. But just ignorant and not knowing things that I should. Like knowing that math will actually help you in the future.

That’s what you said last year. Math.

Oh. Yeah. I hate math.

What's the most important thing that guys should understand about girls?

Please don’t interact with us if you know a girl has their period.

What is your favorite word?

It’s not an actual word, but it’s something that I say a lot, “whoop dee-doo.” If I’m sarcastic I’ll be like, “whoop dee-doo.” If I’m happy I’ll be like, “whoop dee-doo!” If I’m just bored and want to create a word I’ll say, like, “har har hardy doo.” I do a “dee doo.” Again, it’s more of an expression than an actual word.

Where did you get “whoop dee-doo” from?

I have no idea. I think I just like started making myself say it. I don’t mean, like, I made it up. But, I feel like it’s a Char thing. Like my catchphrase.

What is our favorite curse word?

[giggles] Uh… Probably just the classic “fuck.”

[theliterateape]

BUGHOUSE! #18 | March 4, 2019

Monday, March 4, 2019

Music for the BUGHOUSE! Podcast is provided by Mike Vinopal and Local Motive.

Artists: Is God Judging Us? Vincent Truman (winner) vs.  Frank Leyden

Marvel or DC Mike Vinopal vs. Andi Dymond (winner)

St. Patrick's Day: Racism or Celebration of a Great Culture Brian Sweeney  vs.  Elizabeth Tieri (winner)

Audience Favorite: Vincent Truman

[theliterateape]

BUGHOUSE! #15 | December 3, 2018

Monday, December 3, 2018

Music for the BUGHOUSE! Podcast is provided by Mike Vinopal and Local Motive.

Artists: Populism vs Liberalism: Which is the Future? Brian Sweeney (winner) vs David Himmel

The Future is Female: Are Men Obsolete? Kari Castor (winner) vs Sarah Jean Robinson

Santa vs Jesus: Which is the Best Holiday Spokesperson? Bill Gorgo (winner) vs Don Hall

AUDIENCE FAVORITE: Kari Castor and Bill Gorgo

[americantwoshot]

friends

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The Sickest Fucking Stories I Ever Heard 12.21.17

The Sickest Fucking Stories I Ever Heard is simple. Five people play poker for their own money while telling each other stories about sex, injuries, animal husbandry, bodily functions, social injustices and whatever pops up in their sick, twisted minds. Players for December 21st are: Sonal Aggarwal Chris Trani Brian Sweeney Carly Ballerini and David Himmel as The Dealer $10.00 at the door. For a taste, go to http://www.literateape.com/sfs and check out the podcast of the live show!