Book Review: Bringing Up Bébé
I teach a lot of prenatal education – group classes, private classes, or in my work as a birth doula. In every class I emphasize how someone may be pregnant for 40 weeks or so, labour and give birth for no more than 3-4 days (everyone nervously laughs at this one) but you get the baby for much longer than that; so I encourage everyone to learn a bit about postpartum adjustment and parenting – whether it's by appealing to your village (see Kira's previous blog post) or reading a book.
I recently decided to follow my own advice (for research purposes) and decided to start light by reading Bringing up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman. For those unfamiliar with the premise of the book, it documents Druckerman's journey into pregnancy and motherhood while living as an American in Paris.
The book is an easy read and Druckerman is a funny writer but I found myself getting worked up so much that I had to take everything with a grain a salt. Before I talk more about it I should mention that I moved to Canada when I was 14 (14 years ago) and I come from Eastern Europe, so I did not have the same upbringing as many of my (Canadian-born) peers – meaning that I am familiar with many of the things Druckerman talks about.
Here are my thoughts on Bringing up Bebe (don't worry, I won't spoil everything):
The cover – I like it. I know, I know – it doesn't have to do much with what's inside but we are visual creatures. It's simple and I think it works.
The writer – I think Druckerman is a funny and effective writer. I laughed out loud more than a dozen times and I kept reading even when I didn't agree with what she wrote.
The writing – this book is more than Druckerman's anecdotes. She cites studies and authors that support French views on child rearing, but not too many that do not support it (maybe that's a good topic for another book?). In light of the cited work in the book, I was surprised on Druckerman's piece on pregnancy and birth – she talks about the high rate of medicated births in France (especially Paris) and people's positive views on it but mentions nothing of Frederick Leboyer and Michel Odent – both French doctors (obstetricians and childbirth specialist), both in Paris, both still alive, both strong proponents of gentle births with minimal interventions. Do people in France not know about these two very famous doctors and childbirth researchers and advocates in their own country?
There were aspects of the book I thoroughly agreed with, like teaching children to say Hello, Goodbye, Please, Thank You (I still cringe if I imagine myself not using those phrases with another person – my Eastern European parents are proud). I also sort of liked the bit about not encouraging children to become picky eaters (according to Druckerman, in France children eat what is in front of them); however, I have strong memories about being in day care and being forced to eat things I abhorred (I am currently gagging thinking about it). I vividly remember the stress I was under the whole day when I knew something I hated would be served at lunch in day care – and the care takers wouldn't let us leave until we finished. I experience the same stress now if I have to go to a social gathering involving dinner with people I don't know well (and who don't know that I hate bechamel sauce and anything with cauliflower). Will some of these children have similar anxieties?
Which leads me to my biggest problem with the book (amongst many others, like the “pause” and the constant chatter about losing the baby weight) and maybe with French parenting – it portrays infants and babies as entirely rational creatures who need structure, order, and who are striving to happily thrive and to make parents' life easier and more enjoyable (I am not saying that there's anything wrong with that). Druckerman states how much better this all is for both the parents and the children, but we only hear what parents think about this – what about the children? How do they feel about this way of parenting versus how American children feel about their parents' parenting methods? What about family relationships once children reach adulthood? Or these now-grown adults' relationship to the world around them?
I am not French, but my upbringing was similar to what Druckerman describes in Bringing up Bebe and there are aspects of American (and Canadian) parenting I wish my parents knew about and adopted when I was growing up.
So, I encourage you to read Bringing up Bébé with a grain of salt – it's funny, it makes some good points, it may make you angry.
