I Think I’ll Start a New Life, Where No One Knows My Name
Summary: Lynette tries to keep a lid on her change in university, but with her track record, secrets don’t stay hidden for long. Characters: Lynette Talbot, Sebastian Smythe, Brody Callum, Mackenzie Callum Fandom: Uptown Downtown Rating: T Word Count: 5, 221
Sebastian had been lounging on Lynette’s bed, scrolling through her iPod while she was curling her hair in the mirror. They were already late, needless to say adding another twenty minutes to the tardiness factor wouldn’t do anymore damage. Sebastian had been side eying Lyn’s flustered behaviour which wasn’t out of the ordinary, especially on nights like these. They were four weeks away from graduation, and with exams looming, decided on celebrating freedom early - Jeff offering to host a get-together at his place. The threat of being in confined spaces with former friends and enemies was enough to handle, even without the added pressure of attending said party at your ex-boyfriend’s, but Lyn was more off than usual tonight, and Sebastian was determined to find out why.
Curiosity flared as a white envelope peeked out from under her laptop. Sebastian knew from the size and shape what the envelope contained, but the timing was off. Not to mention the logo wasn’t familiar.
“Why are you hiding your acceptance letter?”
“What?” Lyn asked half-listening over the Britney blaring in the room. She didn’t take her eyes off the task at hand, mainly from memory and ingrained fear of burning her hair off ever since that one video went viral.
“Your acceptance letter. Why are you hiding it? Acceptances went out months ago…” Sebastian stalled, running scenarios through his mind to explain the timing and secrecy of Lyn’s behaviour. “Did you change your major?”
“I can’t hear you over ‘Slave 4 U’.” She answered, trying to keep the conversations off limits.
Sebastian turned off the song, and sat up straight. “What aren’t you telling me?”
“I skipped my birth control last week.”
“I’m serious Lynnie. What did you do?”
Sighing, Lynette finished off the last curls and turned off the iron. There was no easy way to drop this bomb, and Sebastian would not stop pressing the issue, so there was only one way to deal with it. Lynette grabbed the envelope from under her laptop and threw it onto the bed.
“Boston? What do you mean you’re going to Boston? What happened to NYU?” Sebastian questioned, still staring at the red logo in the top corner. He didn’t need to open the envelope to read anything further. It was plain and simple.
Lynette shrugged, keeping her eyes low. “I changed my mind.”
Sebastian scoffed at the nonchalant remark, and argued the point. “You changed your state too! What’s the matter with you?” His eyes took her in. The recent behaviour started to make more sense now. The jittery motions, obvious avoidance of post-high school discussion, campus comparisons - it was easy to blame it on Jeff, and having to socialize with too many reminders at once, but this was the real reason why she was acting so manic. She wasn’t just changing her mind, she was changing her life.
“I wanted a scenery change; New York’s too familiar.” Lyn fingered through her curls and went back to fixing her appearance in the mirror. That tactic was needed even more so tonight.
“That’s not the only familiar thing about it.” Sebastian rolled his eyes, setting the envelope aside, and looking at his tormented friend through the mirror.
Lynette glared back, “Whatever, it’s done now - and stop right there - I’m not transferring. Don’t even think about it. This is my choice.” She had to stay firm. No one was meant to know until after graduation. When they had no option but to accept her decision. It was too late to change her mind, and she was too stubborn to let that happen in the first place.
Seb nodded his head in understanding, but pressured further into the depths of her emotional reasonings, “Sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right one, Lynnie.”
Lyn smiled sourly, counteracting his advice, “I’m full of bad decisions, please give me the full credit here.”
Sebastian changed his tone, attempting to focus on the real situation at hand. “Lyn, I’m really worried about you…”He dropped his gaze, and quieted down. “This is pretty drastic…” Sighing, he switched back to the sly quips he was so well known for. “I mean to quote the school nurse ‘there are warning signs about this type of behaviour’…” He faked an impression to mask the reality of his words. He was no stranger to these types of reactions. He knew all too well how much this behaviour hurt yourself and the ones around you, and it brought up too many tainted memories.
Lynette cut him off, turning to face him properly with a wicked glare armed at the ready. “Sebastian, I don’t want to hear it. You of all people should understand the need to leave this town.”
Sebastian tried to protest, “Yeah, but-”
Lynette wasn’t hearing any of it. She stood firm in her decisions, and cut him down before he could even attempt to build up her self-esteem. She lost that months ago, hence the last minute change in acceptances. “No. I’m going to Boston. I’m starting over, and don’t you dare breathe a word of this until graduation.”
“Okay…but don’t you think-” Sebastian gave a last ditch attempt at reasoning with her, all to no avail.
Lyn scrambled off the floor, taking the envelope back only to shove it in a desk drawer like that was the end of it. “I’m done thinking about any of it! I made my choice. Whether it’s right or wrong, I made it and I’m not taking it back. I can’t stay here. I can’t have the reminders clawing their way through the next four years of my life. I’m leaving it all behind.”
Sebastian stayed quiet for a few seconds, her rage settling into the atmosphere, and cutting into his system. “You’re leaving us behind, too.”
Lynette watched how small Sebastian shrunk after saying those words, and realized the damaged she’d thrown his way - again. That was her curse. That was her reason for leaving. “...I know…That’s why I have to do this.”
~
The announcement was vague. A song link on her social media profile, meant for reading between the lines. Although, with graduation just complete, it was fairly evident that was her way of announcing her change in paths for post-secondary. She’d dodged the question during the ceremony, though Sebastian’s disappointment was still evident.
It was only a matter of hours - maybe even minutes - before the comments would start flooding in, so with that warning acknowledged, she logged out of her accounts, and got ready for the evening of cringing public embarrassment, awkward family photos, uncomfortable dress wedgies, and heel pinched toes. The only consolation being the amount of alcohol she could (illegally) drink at the after-party following the family gatherings. That would be the only way she’d survive her classmates’ judgement, lots and lots of alcohol.
“What took you so long?”
The familiar voice made Lyn flinch. Now it starts.
“Oh you know, embarrassing memories brought up at family dinner..” She shrugged, knowing that answer would be accepted.
Mack offered a small smile of understanding, before taking her by the arm. “Come on, let’s get you a drink.”
“Thanks.” She offered in reply, following the girl’s lead and praying Mack didn’t pry further.
Sebastian was the first to break the ice upon her arrival to the beer tent. “Lynnie! You made it!” He plastered on a grin, likely assisted by the liquor, and pulled her in for a hug. “You owe me.” He whispered into her ear, before sending a wink her way and offering to pour her drink.
Even with the growing crowds, she knew there were eyes on her, especially the eyes of her peers who had merged into a corner of the tent, Lynette feeling awfully caught in the middle.
Taking in the surroundings, it was obvious there were a few key friends missing. “Where’s-”
“Late.” Sebastian cut her off, keeping his voice low, and taking another sip of his drink, nudging her to do the same.
Lyn eyed him cautiously, whispering over the rim of her cup.“What happened?”
“You happened...obviously.” Seb eye rolled in exasperation, as if Lynette had asked the stupidest question in history, though, he had a point.
“Yeah, well…” Lyn shrugged, “I couldn’t keep it quiet anymore. Neither could you - it is graduation day.” She wasn’t about to let the guilt in her stomach win. She chugged a third of her drink in desperate hope it would kick into her system faster. “Is he coming, though?”
“I don’t know. Ask him yourself?” Sebastian snapped, gesturing to her purse. “You call him. I think he deserved to hear it from you directly.”
Lynette swallowed down a bitter taste that wasn’t just the alcohol. Sebastian was right, as usual, but that was part of the reason she couldn’t tell him to his face. She couldn’t tell him at all. It would’ve crushed him, and it probably already did.
Fuck.
The temptation of her phone made her realize she hadn’t been updated on anything over the last three hours. Her stunt was meant as shock value, and it had certainly done its job.
To avoid Sebastian’s well-deserved judgement, she called Mack over instead. “Hey, is Brody coming tonight?”
Mack sighed, shrugging in response. “Yeah, I think so? …He isn’t… I don’t know... You really did a number on him, Lyn.” She confessed, frowning in her direction.
“Sorry.” It was a reflex. A true reflex, but still, it didn’t come out as sincere as was needed.
“Why didn’t you just tell him? You know he would’ve understood. You don’t think he would feel the same? You don’t think he wants to get out just as much as you do?” Mack questioned, trying to keep a calm tone, though Lyn knew between her and Brody, Mack would bury her dead body in a heartbeat.
Lyn nodded, knowing how right Mack was. But she couldn’t listen to that little voice in her head. She wanted her explanation to be slow and solemn, but it grew more volatile as the words came out. “I couldn’t see him like that again… I know that’s so selfish, but I couldn’t pity him, or have him pity himself again… It was my choice. I didn’t want anyone knowing. I know that’s unrealistic, but I just wanted this for myself. I wanted to leave everyone here, leave everything here… It’s just so fucked up, and I couldn’t keep carrying that with me anymore.”
“He knows that, you ass.” Mack scoffed. “That’s why this is so hard for him. He knows why you’re doing this, and you fucking know what you’re doing to him, and you’re still doing it anyways.” She ridiculed, shaking her head in disgust. “I know you think you’re doing the right thing by leaving, but you can’t always run from your problems, and not even think about what you’re leaving behind and how that affects them. And I’m not just talking about Brody here.”
“I had to shut it all off, okay!” Lyn protested. She knew Mack had valid arguments, but she’d had the same realities run through her mind months ago when she debating changing schools in the first place. “I couldn’t see their faces at school after this. I couldn’t spend another four more years with them, and the reminders of how I ruined their high school lives, and then proceed to probably fuck something else up in college too! I couldn’t drag them around with me, and never be able to forget my hellish high school years. I couldn’t have them remembering it too, by seeing my around all the time either. I didn’t want to come home for weekends, and have to run into them at the store. I didn’t want any reminders of how much shit I’ve caused, and left behind, so this was my choice. It was mean, and bitchy, but I don’t even care anymore. I have to stop caring about this place, and these people, and move on.” Lyn didn’t even want to consider the tone her voice had taken at this stage. Her attempt at stubborn confidence had morphed into hysteria, sadness, and guilt and it had not gone unnoticed.
“Hey… I get it, okay? You know I get it.” Mack sighed, pulling Lyn into a hug. “I just think you should’ve been honest, and not hidden it from your best friend. Brody deserves better than that. It fucking sucks admitting shit like this to people, when you don’t even want to admit it to yourself, but it’s a courtesy he deserved after how kind and patience he is with everyone - especially with you.”
In circumstances like this, Lyn wasn’t as fond of Mack’s sisterly friend role. She liked the Mack who convinced her to make slightly bad decisions, and live a little. It always felt raw to have Mack be placed back in the responsible role. It made everything so much more consequential.
Defeated, she gave in to the echoed request, shifting her purse on her hip to grab her phone. “Okay, I’ll call him.”
“No, just wait!” Mack snatched the phone away. “Have you been online since you posted the Boston clue?”
“No.” Lyn shook her head. “I didn’t want to read the comments.”
“Well, you should’ve thought of that before you posted it, dumbass.” Mack teased, “What’s your passcode?” She asked waving the phone in her hand.
Lyn smirked, “I’m not telling you that type of blackmail material.”
“Suit yourself.” Mack shrugged, and handed the phone back. “Get back online, you need to see something before you call him.”
“That’s not cryptic at all.” Lyn smiled small and typed in her passcode, and started logging into her accounts. A slew of notifications popped up under her profile, and she handed the phone back to Mack to decipher through.
“Here. You have headphones with you?” Mack asked, flipping the phone sideways as a play button took up the centre of her screen.
Lyn gave her a sarcastic look. “No. That was my first priority to pack in this tiny clutch.”
“Okay, well turn up the volume then. It’s too chatty out here.” Mack suggested, while handing Lyn back her phone and watching her suspiciously start the video.
After the camera panned out, she realized what - or rather, who - she was watching.
Lynette’s heart sunk before the singing even started. Of course he’d do something like this. Of course he’d still care this much. Of course he’d try to make light of a negative situation, and still try not to blame her as the villain - no matter how often she did it to herself. Mack was right, Brody didn’t deserve this.. But more than that, Lynette didn’t deserve him.
“In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh, it has begun…”
Lynette looked up at Mack to gage her reaction, only to receive a small smile in response. “Y’know Brody…” She offered, and Lyn felt her heart clench and forced herself to look back at the screen.
Brody had tossed his graduation outfit for something more casual, gone to the trouble of setting up a camera to record a makeshift - but perfect - cover of the song Lynette had posted earlier, Boston by Augustana.
“Oh dear, you look so lost, your eyes are red and tears are shed, This world you must've crossed... You said... You don't know me, and you don't even care, oh yeah, And you said You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,”
There was a difference between posting a self-titled song for the majority to catch onto the title alone. It was another to have the select few understand just how fitting the song was for Lyn. Brody was always the one to see through her masks. Brody always knew how she was really feeling, and that was the main reason she couldn’t watch him fall apart in front of her, selflessly out of genuine care for Lyn alone. She knew no matter how hurt he was, he’d never show that to anyone. He’d be hurt for her, tell her not to get upset, tell her it was okay, when she was the one who caused all that pain, and (unintentionally) directed it at him.
She really was a villain. “Essential yet appealed, you carry all your thoughts across an open field, When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry when they see you You said... You don't know me, and you don't even care, oh yeah, Well you said You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,”
Brody might have kept his rendition light, but the emotions behind the song were oceans deep. The crashed over Lyn like a tidal wave, swirling her into a whirlpool of regret, and remorse. “She said I think I'll go to Boston... I think I'll start a new life, I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name, I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather, I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain... Oh yeah and I think I'll go to Boston, I think that I was tired I think I need a new town to leave this all behind…”
How dare she? How dare she leave Brody behind with all of this mess? He barely had anyone, and here she was tossing him aside again. Lyn knew Brody would be understanding, which made her actions more vile. He would tell her it was fine, that he’d be fine without her, that she needed to do what’s right for her, and leave town, and start over. He’d blame himself for taking away the last year of her life, and emphasize that she didn’t need to tack on four more miserable ones because of his confession. He’d tell her to forget them all if that helped the most. He’d tell her to stop feeling so guilty for something that wasn’t even her fault, and lie. He’d lie and say he would be okay, when it was so obvious that he was dying inside. “I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset, I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah, You don't know me, and you don't even care, oh yeah…”
She watched how sad his eyes became, and started to wonder if he needed this for himself too? Maybe he needed to say these truths out loud, too? He was tired of the drama, and the fighting, and the guilt. He was tired of the rumours, and gossip, and realizing just how untrustworthy his ‘friends’ could be. Who even knew Brody apart from a fair few? He was so good at cushioning himself from vulnerabilities, and the only time he had accepted that fate, it had tortured him endlessly, and ended in disaster.
How could she leave him like this? “Boston... where no one knows my name... Where no one knows my name... Where no one knows my name... yeah Boston... No one knows my name.”
He faded out his guitar rift, aimed a small smile directly at the camera lens, and leaned forward to shut the recorder off. The video player stopped, and Lynette took a few seconds to pull herself back into the surroundings.
“You okay?” Mack asked genuinely.
Lyn shook her head, and locked her phone, putting it back in her purse. “He did that after grad?”
Mack nodded, and elaborated further. “He was really quiet after the ceremony. It was a little too much for him anyway, and then after he saw your video, he shut himself in his room for a bit. I saw the video pop up and knew that was his way of coping, and his way of helping you.” She smiled softly, though her blue eyes reminded Lyn too much of how sad Brody’s looked. “He came out later and ate with us… I asked him if he was coming tonight, so I think he’ll be here for a bit… It’s not his scene, though. You do realize, he will be here because of you. He’ll do that for you, since we don’t know when we’ll see your sorry ass again.” Mack added nudging Lyn’s forearm with her elbow to get her to crack a smile. “Just kidding. You’re not seeing the last of me - We all know how persuasive I am.”
“Is he going to be okay? … Seriously, though?” Lyn asked, already knowing the answer.
“Maybe… but not for a while… He won’t act like it though. You know him; he’ll bottle it up, maybe write it out, but mostly keep to himself. We’ll have to pry it out of him… It’ll take time, a lot of it, but he’ll move on - not fully, but he’ll cope.” Mack replied honestly. “You should still apologize. He’d tell you not to, but I need it. I need you to tell him why. At least give him some peace, so he stops blaming himself for this too.”
~
“Did you know about the video?” Lynette asked Sebastian when the girls had returned back to the tent.
“No, I am a hermit who stayed away from wifi all afternoon after I dropped a massive bomb on my friends.” He sneered in response.
Lynette rolled her eyes. Seb had been pissy with her all month after he found out about her transfer, and she was ready to have her friend back. “Oh my god, Seb! You’re more of a drama queen than I am. Are you going to let this go now?”
“You didn’t think, Lyn! You didn’t think of how that would feel to us? Oh hey everyone, guess what I’m going to Boston and I’m not even going to fucking tell you straight. You have to decode my bullshit.” Seb argued further, cornering her in her problems.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away. I’m sorry I didn’t ask your opinion, or give you any heads up! But you were the first person to find out!” Lyn snapped in frustration.
“After you hid it and avoided the question!” Sebastian glared. “If I didn’t see it, I’d be in the same position as everyone else! And it wasn’t even a good feeling to have this secret knowledge about you! Do you know how hard it was to lie to everyone? To be part of your lie? Again! I hated it. I hated you for putting me in this position!”
“You used past tense there.” Lyn pointed out.
“I’m still mad at you.” Sebastian retorted. “I just don’t hate you….anymore.” He added for good measure.
“I’m sorry, Sebastian. I’m sorry for all of it.” She tugged on his tie to get him to look at her. “You’re right. I don’t think, I’m impulsive, and selfish, and stubborn. I don’t deserve to have good friends like you, and Brody, and Mack, and fuck, even Jeff - and that’s probably why I push all of you away…and I’m sorry for that.”
Sebastian smiled at her, and pulled her against his chest. “Oh you fucking sap. I love you, too.”
“Ew, now who’s the sap?” Lyn teased, returning the hug. “But honestly, did you know what Brody did?”
“Yeah, I saw it.” Sebastian answered with a sad smile. “He’s too good... We don’t deserve him.”
Lyn nodded in agreement. “Mack told me about it - showed me, actually. She said he might come tonight.”
Seb shrugged, looking past her. “I guess you’d have to ask him yourself.”
“What?” Lyn broke away from him, turning around to see Mack playing hostess and obliging Brody with drinks. “Oh…”
“Oh, nothing, you go talk to him right now.” Seb ordered, pushing her in Brody’s direction.
“I will, I will.”
Sebastian shooed her, and walked over to Drew who was manning the keg in the next tent.
Lyn waited until Brody had stopped talking to Mack before she walked up and made her move. “Hey stranger.”
“Hey, Lyn.” Brody smiled soft, and shuffled his feet on the grass, getting green scuff marks on his shoes.
“How are-” The pair of them spoke at the same time, cutting each other off and looking down embarrassed.
“You first.” Lyn urged, wishing they were in a better environment to do some heart to heart apologizes than some backyard drunken party.
“I’m okay.” He shrugged, “You?”
“I’m sorry.” Lyn started. “I’m so sorry for not telling you, and having you find out like that.” She sighed, her throat starting to catch. “You deserved to know, and I should’ve just explained myself better, but I was selfish and I didn’t want anyone changing my mind - again. I know you understand why I’m leaving, but I know I still hurt you.”
Brody nodded and looked back at her. “I forgive you. I don’t want you thinking that I’m going to hold this against you like some silly grudge.”
Lynette let out a depressing laugh. Of course he’d forgive her. “Brody, I don’t blame you, and I don’t want you blaming yourself.” She urged, taking one of his hands. “Promise me.”
Brody’s hand shook in hers. “I can’t do that.” He pulled his hand away from hers, and tore his eyes away. “I can’t feel the way you need me to, and I think you’ll respect that. I understand why you have to leave, Lyn, but it doesn’t mean I’m happy about it. I want the best for you, but I am upset you thought you had to go without telling us… without telling me. I know that’s your habit to run off, but… I just didn’t think you’d do something like that to me.”
Brody had every right to be angry with her. He had every right to feel offended. So why was she struggling so much to explain herself?
“I had to leave it all behind… including you.” She whispered, giving into her defeated mind. “That’s horrible to say, but honestly, I couldn’t bare to have you be dragged into my drama for another four years. I can’t have you losing opportunities by sticking around helping me. I can’t have you giving up chances at a better life because I’m a constant reminder of the messy parts of your high school experiences. I can’t have you feeling sorry for me, or yourself, and missing out on things because you’re trying to be this noble friend to me. You’re too good for that, Brody. You’re too good for me, and I can’t bring you down anymore. You might forgive me, but it will take me years to forgive myself for what I’ve done here. If I’m ever going to do that, I have to start over where no one knows me… And I have to give you the chance to move on, too.”
By this point, Lyn was close to tears, and if she was going to stick around this party she was going to have to be drunk. Either that, or start running off now and have a good cry under her bedroom comforter. Here she was making another mess of things instead of just apologizing and being done with it all. Emotions were so confusing, and fragile, and she was just drudging all of that through the mud. Again.
“Okay…” Brody accepted quietly. “Okay, I can respect that-”
“I saw your video.” Lyn interrupted. “I mean, I didn’t see it until I got here, but that was really nice of you… I really appreciated it, Brody… after finding out like that, you had the heart to do something like that… I… Thank you… Thank you for all of it.” She added, crossing her arms against her chest, curling into herself.
Everything about today felt so final. Sure, that was mostly her fault, but it had been building all day and was completely overwhelming. Had she made a mistake? Probably. Could she fix it? Probably. But did she want to?
“You mean a lot to me, and I figured you’d want a few supporters in your court…” Brody smiled soft, trying to play down his actions. “You don’t have to keep making decisions to keep other people happy. It’s okay to do something for yourself, even if it means changing your mind, and changing your life.” He emphasized, watching as Lynette finally looked back at him. “It’s okay.”
“Is it?” Lyn asked, her voice shaking nervously.
“Of course it is. It’ll blow over soon enough… We both have practice in that area.” He smirked, and put a hand on her shoulder. “Go to Boston. Start over, and do what you need to. It’s your life, Lyn, and you need to live it without holding back.”
She caved under his words, and wrapped her arms around his waist, pulling him into a hug. “So do you. I don’t want-”
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.” Brody lied, adjusting his arm so his drink wouldn’t spill on her.
“I know you’re just saying that to make me feel better, but can you at least try? Try to forget about all of this shit. They always tell you high school doesn’t matter after you graduate, right? I hope that’s true. You’re so good, Brody, and you deserve to be treated better. I really want that for you.” Lynette broke some boundaries, kissing his cheek before slipping out of his arms.
“I’ll try.” Brody plastered on a smile, and motioned towards their group gathered in the tent. “Should we?”
Lyn knew she’d made things more uncomfortable for him, and let him lead them off. Sebastian was back by that time, and gave her a small nod of acknowledgement for talking things through with Brody. She knew everyone was trying to be civil, but she really just wanted to leave. The tension was killing her.
“Thanks for talking to him.” Mack said calmly, coming up behind her.
“Thanks for the warning.” Lyn returned, in reference to the video earlier. “I know he’s still upset, but he says he’s okay…” She shrugged, glancing over at Brody who was now enduring Sebastian’s tipsy state.
“He will be…” Mack promised. “You need another drink?”
“Got anything stronger than cheap beer?” Lyn sighed.
“Not here, at least.” She smiled sadly. “Where are you staying tonight? Do you want to stay over at ours?”
Lyn protested immediately. “No, I can’t do that to Brody.”
“I meant Drew’s. You could probably do with a good talk, more than you need hard liquor.” Mack suggested, but Lyn still felt weird about it.
“I don’t know… I’m not the best company right now.” She confessed. “I appreciate the offer, though.”
“It’s always open, you know. Just because you’re changing state schools, doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind, and still be friends with us losers.” Mack teased.
Lyn smiled in return, “I’ll be sure to weigh my options.”
“We’ll miss you.” Mack added after a few minutes of silence. “You might not think much of yourself after the past year or so, but you are a good friend, Lyn… and we really do want the best for you.”
Lyn took a moment to process those words, before finally expressing what she’d been so afraid to acknowledge. “So do I.”
