#broken ninja

[zenrayn]

I’m back :)

Hey tumblr folks! It’s been a while. A lot is happening in my life and I haven’t had much time on the computer. From ACL reconstruction recovery to finding a new job to starting my own fitness class - things have been crazy. I hope to give a full update soon.

Alas I don’t have time for it now, currently trying to cook a quick bite to eat before heading out to TKD tonight haha.

Hope to see you all soon :)

[zenrayn]

Hey, I’m alive

I know it’s been a while. Life has gotten, somewhat, back to normal. I’m still doing PT twice a week, but I no longer have the brace, no crutches... I’ve gotten to 142 degrees in flexibility, on a good day. Still can’t get to mahkiyum (kneeling meditation), but I’ve been told that may take a while still. I’m walking almost normally, still a mild limp here and there. I have been cleared to start jogging on flat surfaces. I can do jumping jacks, some hand speed drills that don’t require a lot of footwork. However, the Doc said yesterday that I can start some agility drills at PT, which will be nice. I’m still pretty weak on my right side, but it’s getting better. I need to work hard over the next month to get my strength up so I can do the “Return to Play” evaluation. I still have a LONG way to go in recovery, but I am feeling a lot better emotionally and mentally. I can do some “light” kicking on the right, for movement & building muscle, no kicking on the left due to the pivoting on the right - which is a bit NO NO right now. I’m back to work, 2 days at my old job waitressing. I picked up hours at my BF’s work doing some marketing for the company he works for. Three days there. Teaching Lil Dragons on Sat and every other Sat I teach the Demo team. Also still teaching at night for regular classes. Very busy!! Life seems to be getting better.... Yay.

[zenrayn]

Project Reflection

Entry 5?

I'm finally feeling really positive about recovery. I've dug myself out of the depression and starting to really feel good. My brace was unlocked to 70 degrees! Huzzah! So I can finally get some bend while I walk and sit. I've got a bunch of new exercises - including some horse stance and forward stance! I've gotten on the leg press - very minimal weight right now, it's mostly to get the knee used to carrying weight while bending. I've done some stairs - down SUCKS.

I have an appointment with the surgeon next wednesday. Hopefully he'll like my progress. I got a CPM machine last week, which has helped TREMENDOUSLY. There was a 20 degree increase in 2 days after i got it. I'm over 90 degrees in PT now. New goal of 100 degrees. Then 20 more after that to be considered "full range".

My BF started teaching an after school TKD program in a neighboring town. I was also invited to help teach and went yesterday to help out. It made me feel good to help, despite not really being able to do much. The kids are ages 5 - 12. Kind of a wide range for kids, so the extra set of eyes was appreciated. There's a few who need the extra teacher present. I had to keep speaking to one of them, and I was surprised when this student argued with my BF when he told her something. It was very disrespectful. He told me after class that he should have given her push-ups. I agree. It would have set an example. I'm sure once more classes have passed, he won't be as lenient wit them. He also gave me permission to hand out push-ups or other discipline to them.

I'm feeling strong enough to start Kuhapdo again. I'm hoping maybe tomorrow or next friday I can go again. Though the issue right now is money. Since I've been out of work for 3 months now, my money is very low.  So we'll see. I can probably do a drop in fee. But ya... doing better ^_^

[zenrayn]

Project Reflection

Entry 4

I'm starting to pull out of this depression. Or I'm really trying at least... I had another emotional meltdown a couple days ago. But the crying fits seem to be coming less. The more I keep distracted and busy. I've been trying to work on unpacking and organizing our new apartment.

I have progressed to being able to walk around the place without a crutch. It gets tiring and is uncomfortable, but I can - And THAT is improvement.

When I'm ready to start training again, which I know is still months away - I just hope my BF will be willing to do drills with me to get my stamina and speed back up. I'm sure he will, by that point he'll be getting ready for his 4th Dan test, so he'll be wanting me to help do drills with him to.

I think one of the most irritating things about this so far, aside from not being able to train... The loss of independence. I can't do things on my own. I need someone to take me places. Someone to help me get groceries and carry them inside. I need someone to help me maneuver stairs (though I've gotten some stairs mastered - if they have railings). I can't even bathe without help to get in an out of the tub.

Maybe this whole mess is meant to be some sort of test of will power and spirit? If it is... well they don't know who they're messing with - cause dammit I AM that flame of passion and WILL NOT be extinguished! Screw you, I will get stronger and better than ever. I WILL return to training and WILL come out stronger than ever! Maybe it's supposed to show our students the power of dedication and strength of spirit? If so... Why me? Because the powers that be knew I could handle it? I've definitely had issues "handling it" - but I guess so.

Maybe it's meant to show me how strong I can be? I don't know. All I know is I'm starting to be ok.

[zenrayn]

Project Reflection

Entry 3 Surgery is done. Its been a little over a week. I'm so incredibly depressed. I removed the brace and wrap as the doc said, to try to start bending the knee. So much atrophy! My leg is so thin. Its horrible to look at. Practically skin and bone. I didn't think it would be that fast. I want to work the muscles but I can't bend my knee. It hurts so much. Its going to be such a long recovery road to get back to where I was. So much hard work. I hope my body remembers how to move when I can finally train again. I don't know how I'm going to train my Little Dragons when I can't move. How do I teach without demonstration? How do I continue on my own progression as a martial artist? I'm going to have to work so hard on my own physical fitness when I'm able to walk again. I feel like none of the food I eat is getting burned. Its making me not want to eat. But I do, I know I have to to keep my strength up. I try to eat healthy... I really do. But its hard when your mobility is limited so cooking becomes difficult. My reflection on all this... Honestly I don't know. Is all this supposed to mean something? Is there some great epiphany I'm missing in all this? I just feel terrible. I don't see what can be good about any of this. Yes its over and there's just healing now... I get that. But what has this injury taught me? What has all this pain done? Maybe I'm too aggravated to see it right now. I don't know.

[zenrayn]

Project Reflection

Entry 2. So it seems I'm bad at keeping up with this. Today I got my knee brace. It's a hinged one and has a bunch of settings on it. It's weighs about a ton... it's not super uncomfortable though, which is good. I'm sure in a few weeks I'll think differently.

Tomorrow is the surgery.

I won't lie. I am a bit nervous. I don't like the idea of being forced to sleep, yet I don't like the option of being awake for this either. If I were to take the "awake" option... Well they'd shoot me up with something to make me numb  from the waist down. Ok, sounds neat... except what if it wears off for some weird reason? I'd be awake, AND FEEL IT. No thank you. Also, I'd probably have some really screwed up dreams for a while, seeing myself being cut open and bleeding and what-not. I think I'm all set with that to. I already have disturbing dreams. Also, I think being half numb might trigger my anxiety. I think my mind wouldn't accept that. So the other option - sleeping. Yes, I realize the same slim chance of waking up during the procedure is present. I just feel more comfortable sleeping thru it. I'll get a good nap. And sleeping helps your body recover faster and all that. So by sleeping, my body isn't using the energy to stay awake, there-by preserving it. Or something.

In all reality though, I just want it over. I want to be better.

My mom is taking me in. Then she's spending Xmas eve with me. Helping me finish packing for our move this weekend. Crazy week. Surgery....then Christmas... then moving. I never thought I'd see that combo together.

[zenrayn]

Project Reflection

Entry 1 One of my instructors told me to reflect on my injury, to not let it pass by unnoticed. Perhaps some lesson in all this to learn. Perhaps he's right. So I thought that maybe writing my reflections on this everyday will help. Maybe there will be some enlightening moment. I can't promise an entry every day, but I will try to be on more often. Today's reflection... I really don't know what to think. In the beginning, someone say I've just hit a bump in the road. Maybe I've been going to fast. My Axel has been taken out. It's given me time to really focus on teaching. Just using words and explanations to help students. Its not the easiest way to teach martial arts... A demonstration is way more helpful. I wonder if maybe I've been too focused on myself? Maybe this is telling me I need to focus on others more? I thought I've been generous with my time. I've always offered my free time to helping students who want extra help or workout time. Maybe I need to work on sitting back more? In all honesty, I do have a hard time relaxing. I'm too gung-ho about training. I'm always there, always thinking about training, what I can learn, what I can learn to show/teach others. I want to share my enthusiasm for martial arts because that's what gets others excited and want to learn. If others see someone's passion for something, it gets them excited and want to know more. Perhaps its both. Maybe I have been selfish AND not relaxing enough. Maybe I need this time to reflect on everything, not worry and stop being in control. RELAX. Let things run their course. Just Be.

[zenrayn]

Quick Update

Firstly, I apologize for the time between posts. To be honest, it's been hard coming to Tumblr and seeing all the cool martial arts stuff I can't, do or even try right now. It's been hard going to class, wanting SO BAD to participate - but must be content just being THERE.

Secondly, and update on my knee! I'm done with physical therapy until my surgery, which is a little over a week away now. It'll be the 23rd. I know, Merry Christmas, right? Heh. It was then or waiting until sometime in January, SCREW THAT. Just get it done. NOW. Hell, I was eager enough to have just signed up for THAT DAY. Seriously. I just want to start healing and getting back on my feet. I'm DONE sitting around. I can't work. I can't do anything in TKD aside from hand drills. I can kinda limp my way thru Kuhapdo, but it's uncomfortable and I feel so restricted.

I'm going mad in this invisible cage.

I've slumped into a depression I haven't felt in years. I'm spending my days playing video games again...

I was able to motivate myself enough to do a mini workout yesterday. Side to side crunches, regular crunches, bicep curls, tricep curls, leg raises. I was proud of myself for doing SOMETHING.

I have Lil' Dragons & Demo team to teach today. So that's something. My BF is at a "Stick & Knife Grappling" type seminar with some of our training pals. I'm definitely jealous. I really wanted to go.

UGH. THIS SUCKS. Just gotta try to keep positive... a little over a week... then recovery.... just a little longer.