The day is so beautiful, yet my heart feels heavy with sadness. It’s in these moments, when the world is full of light, that I find myself grieving the most. Since Clark, I’ve tried so hard to find beauty in everything. The joy of being his mama, the warmth of the sunrise, the peace of the sunset, the endless stretch of the sky. But it’s so hard. No matter how much I search, it’s impossible to see beauty in losing your child. There is no beauty in that kind of pain.
And yet, I try. I search for him in the colors of every sunset, in the soft blue of the sky, hoping for some sign that he’s still with me, even if it’s just for a fleeting moment. Some days, it feels impossible… like it’s wrong to look for beauty in a world that’s taken him from me. But then I wonder: maybe I have to, in some way, to keep him close, to hold on to him just a little longer. So I keep searching, even when the beauty feels like it’s slipping away.
It’s not that I believe the beauty can heal the hurt or erase the loss, but in those moments, it feels like a quiet thread that connects me to him. I hold on to it because, in my heart, I know it’s the only way I can keep him with me, even if just for a brief moment in time.
