Reflections on “No Place at the Table for Staff of Color”
It’s been almost three months since I posted my last entry that dealt with fundraising. So much has happened in this time. For starters, in case you didn’t know, I am no longer working with InterVarsity. Several people have asked me if that last post had anything to do with it. The answer is yes and no. The burdens of fundraising put a lot of stress in my life this past year, but at the same time God used that period to help me face some brokenness in my own life. I recognized that I needed time away from ministry in order to really focus on my own relationship with God and to really strengthen myself. So that’s that.
I’ve been thinking a lot about that last post these last few weeks. It was probably the biggest thing I’ve ever written in terms of how many people read it, how many people shared it, and how many responses I got, as well as the type of responses I got. It made me feel legit. :P
I wrote that piece after a conversation with a friend. At the time I was extremely frustrated by the fundraising process for reasons outlined there. And, although I’ve had a few months to distance myself from fundraising, the frustration is still there, and I still stand by my belief that ultimately, the people who can fix this system will be held accountable before God if they choose to do nothing and let the status quo remain.
So, on to the varying responses I got from people after I posted that piece.
1) The positive responses- I was truly amazed at how many people messaged me saying the piece had really resounded with them. It confirmed that I wasn’t alone in the struggle. I wasn’t the only one struggling to network and find people who would be able to invest financially in the ministry. Latino/a staff all over had been through the same struggle. It seemed like most everybody who was now on campus had barely made it through. Which only made me wonder, “If this is a real issue all around the country, why hasn’t InterVarsity stepped up their game yet?” I had a friend who thanked me for the post, since she said it expressed everything she had felt, but hadn’t been able to articulate.
Secondly, I would like to give a shout out to the Ethnos community. Each person that I’ve had a chance to talk to and develop relationships with has been a huge blessing in my life. I had several people who were on my support team come up to me and say that even though they hadn’t gone through the fundraising process, they understood the struggle behind it. Other people mentioned that they were trying to see how they could better support me. The piece really opened up a lot of conversation between myself and others at church in regards to the fundraising process.
Third, I was really grateful at the conversation I got to have with Audrey Tom, who was my supervisor during this past year. Although I thought I was in trouble at first when she started asking me about it, I realized she actually wanted to see how she could help improve the fundraising season for cohorts that would come after. It was a really cool experience to be able to share my ideas and feel like I was being heard. (Also, if you’re wondering why I was afraid of talking to Audrey, it’s because she has this super intense look on her face. Like she’s boring past your exterior into your soul....)
2) The not so positive responses- Luckily, there weren’t that many of these, but there were a few. They fell under two categories.
The first was from a higher up who was a little upset I hadn’t processed all these thoughts with them before I posted the article. Although I could see their point, my response was “Well, I’ve been processing this all year with Audrey and dozens of other staff have gone through this in the past few decades so it’s not a secret that I was feeling this frustration.” This conversation validated my thought that maybe I really had no idea what I was talking about, but after some prayer and processing, I ended up sticking to what I had said in the original post.
The second set of responses was from people who didn’t understand where I was coming from. At least that’s how I received it. It was mostly from white people. The response boiled down to, “Well, white staff also have trouble fundraising.”
Well, yes. And all lives do matter, but we need to focus on black lives at the moment.
I had one person who was telling me that he, as a white male with access to networks I didn’t have, had had a hard time fundraising at the beginning. In fact, I had raised more money than he had his first year. For me, it was like “Okay, that’s cool, but you’re undermining what I’m trying to say.” I wasn’t saying that white staff don’t have a hard time fundraising. It’s a struggle all around. I’m just saying that staff of color have a disproportionately harder time trying to find networks and people who can give to the ministry. Yes, you may have networks and still be struggling, but at least you have those networks. Many of us are starting from ground zero. I do respect and understand that this person was trying to be affirming and applaud the progress I had made, but from my vantage point, it seemed to be more patronizing than anything else.
Another higher up sent me an email that basically said the same thing.
“You echo sentiments I've felt and hear from staff of every ethnicity, believe it or not even white staff.”
I thought it was pretty cool that they had even read the post. It was one of those moments where you go, “Momma, I made it!” The email was pretty encouraging, but it was that last part that bothered me. That was one of the things I had been afraid of when I was writing the first time. I KNOW it’s a struggle for white staff as well!!!!!! I spent a whole year fundraising alongside my friend Jenn, a white woman, who would share her struggle every week. But once again, it was all about the bigger picture of staff of color being disproportionately represented in InterVarsity. It made me a bit sad that someone who was in a higher position than I was, didn’t see the bigger point I was trying to make. I replied, saying I would love to continue talking about it, but I never got a response.
All these conversations made me realize how far we still have to go. It was actually pretty exhausting to feel like I had to keep defending myself. It was tiring to have to explain over and over again that I wasn’t trying to put down the experiences of white staff. I was merely trying to elevate the experiences of my own people. (Props to the homie Tania Andrade, for keeping me sane in the middle of all that)
Overall, it was really good to have those conversations. I think it was necessary to start thinking about these issues. And if the Lord calls me back to InterVarsity, it is something that I want to help fix.
But yeah, until then, let’s keep praying for the Lord to help us fix these broken systems.
