Broplem #7486: We Put Others Down To Raise Our Selves (and 6 Things We Can Do Instead)
A widely used practice across many cultures: the shaming of another to fuel one’s own self-importance.
The ummah’s broplem these days is that being Muslim seems to serve as a great pretext for it: guided by the noble intention of defending God Himself (!), one can now darken someone’s character “without risking too great an exposure of [one’s] own malevolence”—and feel good about it too.
Via The Rumpus, image by Lucas Adams.
Typical Example
Person A experiences unpleasant levels of shame in regards to person A’s own shortcomings.
Person A seeks temporary relief from own discomfort and severe conscience in the shaming of Person B, about a weakness (sometimes debatably so) from which Person A can safely be excluded. Eg: Person B defies hijab stereotypes with her colourful choices of dress, while Person A, being a man, is quite safe from accusations of not observing religious obligations regarding feminine code of dress.
(Or, similarly, Person C consistently wears traditional abaya, and scarf, and underscarf, making Person D who likes to wear jeans an easy prey.)
So, person A decides to publicly judge sorry I mean, offer brotherly advice:
If disapproved of, person A can hide behind the following defences:
I was merely trying to help person B improve; OR
I am executing my religious obligation of propagating the prophetic message.
Via Twitter: @SanaSaeed
Here’s why it doesn’t work, though:
Not only Person A is tendering advice not asked for, but he is doing it in a manner that humiliates Person B. Therefore, there is a 100% chance this will encourage Person B to do just the opposite in order to protect her self-esteem (you make me feel bad, so I don’t like you, so I don’t listen to what you say). Shame doesn’t fix behaviour.
Person A is not displaying prophetic manners by being harsh and judgemental rather than understanding and compassionate. Person A is being dishonest in disguising hatred/negativity/intolerance with God’s name.
One consequence of this broplem is the massive number of Muslims (believing, practising to varying degrees) who actively separate themselves from those of us who make their faith clear (with dress or with words). They seek more secular ways and restrict their faith to a very private sphere, not because they are embarrassed of it, but because they have had enough of being shamed.
An Experiment
Go to any country in the Middle East and experiment throwing around an emphatic and solemn “assalamu aleykum” (peace be upon you): more often than you think, you’ll become suspicious in the eyes of the people. They will prepare themselves to pass the test of your judgemental presence by filtering everything they say. Your peaceful salute has lost its seal of trust, no one believes you really come in peace. How sad is that?
6 Things We Can Do Instead
Make a Friend Don’t make an enemy of the one you think needs to improve. Befriend, compliment, understand, get to know better, form a trusting relationship. Only then will your advice actually be listened to, because it’ll be real loving and caring advice, not an excuse to give way to your intolerant instincts.
Look in the Mirror For every fault you find in another, you can find one in yourself. Stay humble by constantly reminding yourself that everybody (including yourself) is just learning. Remember, if you do better than the next person in one way, they might do better than you in ten.
Emphasise your good opinion of them. Then, emphasise it again, and again, and again. The saying goes, “How you make others feel about themselves says a lot about you.” Ultimately, the best way to encourage someone to improve their behaviour is to assure them of their good nature. So make sure the way you express your thoughts respects the person’s dignity and self-image. Tell your children every day that they are good children. When they make mistakes, never call them naughty. Don’t shame the child, but depreciate the behaviour as unworthy of the child.
Make Excuses For Others Every person walking this earth comes from a different place and has a different story, so comparing yourself to others at your own advantage on the basis of a single trait is quite a rigged game. Before jumping on an opportunity to put somebody down, reappraise their behaviour by thinking of reasons why they might not do as well as you in a certain department. Have compassion, and remember:
Via Invite To Islam
Focus on the Positive Okay, he drinks. But he does a lot for charity. It might just be that praising him for his altruism and proactive efforts at making the world a better place —while keeping negative judgements to yourself— will work a thousand more wonders than the reverse. Trust me, he already knows what his fellow Muslims think of his drinking. He’s been shamed so many times it won’t make a single difference if you add your two cents, so try something different: try fervently believing in his ability to change.
Keep The Long Term Goal In Mind At the end of the day, whatever advice you give will only matter on the basis of its sincerity. So absolutely refrain from “advice” that turns people away where it should invite them. Sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all. Always ask yourself the question: “Am I encouraging, am I inviting?” If not—if you keep on harassing people with unwelcome judgement—pushing them further away from the right thing to do, what have you earned?