do you think kay knew from the moment he held a teeny tiny arthur in his maybe eight year old arms that he was going to be second to him, always. do you think he knew it and didn't quite understand the feeling yet. do you think he grew up with arthur not even belonging to him and still, still always the favourite. do you think he pressed down the jealousy in favour of letting his love for arthur bloom.
do you think he knew, deep down, that he was not important. the story could continue without him. arthur could continue without him. as much as arthur insisted otherwise, do you think kay knew that the court would run fine without him. that he was not needed. and still. he stayed, he took his place at arthur's side—
(always his side, opposite to guinevere. even gawaine didn't take that, even launcelot didn't take that. a mirroring. brotherly love to romantic. arthur was not allowed to have a favourites as king, kay knew)
—and loved him dearly. as a brother, not a king. kay could not bring himself to love arthur as a king, not when he'd seen that steady grin and those golden curls morph from the ditzy boy he used to know into... this. a beautiful, just king. who refused to love kay as a knight, as a subject, as anything but a brother. who treated kay as above him.
do you think kay watched with terror-gripped sadness as arthur found out about launcelot's betrayal. about guinevere's treachery. kay had known. he'd always known. and he'd not realised it until far, far too late.
do you think kay is the first one who's seen arthur cry. do you think kay is the only one, alongisde guinevere, who's seen arthur cry.
