dancing with your silhouette - bsf jayb, mark tuan x reader, ex jackson, got7 friend group. non-idol au.
you're in love with your best friend, but to jaebeom you're just a distraction. a consolation prize he wishes he could mould into the one woman he can't have. you both know it. so why do you keep ending up in his bed hoping one day he'll love you back? can your bubbly new sweetheart of a neighbour, mark, be the fresh start you both need to finally say goodbye to your toxic cycle and move on? or will you miss it when love finally knocks on your door in favour of dancing with jaebeom's silhouette?
You wake up to find the bed empty again. The spot beside you is cold. He's been up for a while. You climb out from under the covers and throw on the hoodie laying over the chair in the corner. It's a good thing you know his room so well or you'd never find your way around in the dark like this but you can’t be bothered turning the lights on just to drag him back to sleep.
You step into a pair of his oversized slippers and make your way out to the living room. Jaebeom is exactly where you expect him to be. It's where you always find him on nights like these. You wrap your arms around yourself as you step out onto the balcony and push down the hurt. You stop a few steps back, not touching the man leaning on the railing.
He doesn't turn around but you know he heard you, the balcony door still squeaks a little from that time Jinyoung insisted he could fix it after he and Jackson somehow accidentally knocked it off the tracks years ago. If it bothered him enough to get it properly sorted you'd believe Jaebeom had any intentions of moving on, but it’s still exactly how they left it after Bam and Yugyeom came over to help fix it that night. The last time you'd ever seen him smile the way he used to.
"Beom-ah."
Your voice is soft but you don’t need it to carry far. Not tonight.
"Do you ever wonder if things would be different?"
You know what he means. If you hadn't spent the evening drinking with your friends, laughing as they tried multiple times to right the balcony door and every correction by Jackson about the angle being slightly off made Bam yell right back. If it hadn't taken the five men all night to get the door back into place because they kept baiting each other and wrestling in Jaebeom's living room.
If he hadn't been so busy and distracted with all of you and missed her call. Would things have been different if he had just answered? Would she have left? Would they still be together? You wonder a lot of the same things, just in different ways.
"All the time."
You've never lied to Jaebeom, not even little white ones. You don't tell him it's good when the cake he bakes for you twenty first birthday tastes like he used salt instead of sugar or when he paints the back of that denim jacket he wants to wear to a festival but picks the wrong type of paint and it dries all crackled and warped or even when he tries a new haircut and it makes his face just look slightly off. You don’t plan to start now.
"I can't help wondering if we'd ever have gotten together if she hadn't left."
He takes a sip from the bottle dangling in his hand and you have to push back the ache in your chest. You're not together, not really. You never have been. Jaebeom uses you like a distraction. You've always known that. You knew what you were getting into that first night when he kissed you at Jinyoung's party, drunk off his ass and mumbling her name even as he tugged you into the bathroom and kicked the door shut behind you both.
"We're not dating Beom."
You've always known you were just a place filler, but that doesn't make it sting any less. You used to hope that if you stayed by his side long enough someday he would snap out of his grief and see that you had been there for him the whole time. Maybe something between you would really change. You've long given up on that hope. He's never going to see you the way you want him to. That doesn't mean it isn't still a hard pill to swallow.
He does look at you then.
"You know I love you right?"
Your smile is sad but you nod.
"I know. You love me as a friend."
All you've ever been, all you're ever going to be, is a rebound. It's probably time you made peace with that.
Jaebeom sighs, downing his beer. You step closer until you're shoulder to shoulder.
"I'm sorry y/n."
He bumps you with his shoulder, eyes still on the stars twinkling in the distance.
"For what?"
Hiding things and lying aren't quite the same, not really, not when you've never tried. Is it really a secret if you've been so obvious everyone else around you knows and Jaebeom is just the only one who's never noticed? At least, that was what you thought.
He sighs, leaning his head against yours as you turn towards him. He brushes a whisper of a kiss against your temple and you can smell the alcohol on his breath. He's been drinking for a while now.
"For ruining our friendship."
You sigh. "Beom, you didn't ruin anything."
He nods. "I did. I ruined us. You used to be one of my best friends. You and Jinyoung."
You smile softly, arm sliding around his back as you lean closer to rest your cheek against his shoulder.
"I'm still your best friend."
He shakes his head. "It’s not the same. I took advantage of what we had."
You can’t deny that. Not even if you're just as much to blame for going along with it.
"I strung you along."
You sigh. "No, you never made me any promises you didn't keep Beom-ah. It was me who got into her head that you'd ever be ready to give me things you didn't feel."
You step back and pat his arm.
"Come on. Let's get some sleep. We can talk in the morning, okay?"
He pouts but when you tug at his arm he doesn't resist. You set the empty beer bottle on the coffee table as he stumbles back inside after you.
"I really am sorry."
Your laugh is a little more brittle and bitter than you inteded, maybe because your clothing is still littered over his bedroom floor. You've spent enough time overthinking your unrequited crush on Jaebeom to have gotten over blaming him, mostly. Maybe if he was a worse person, but he isn’t, and you know that even when he makes decisions that make you want to throttle him.
"I'm sorry too. For not being what you needed."
He frowns, leaning more heavily on you than sober Jaebeom ever would have let himself as you help him back to his room. He drops down onto the end of the bed and stares at you.
"Don’t blame yourself."
You just step out of the slippers and drop his hoodie onto the chair.
"Too late."
You move to step around him when his hand catches your wrist. His grip is gentle, careful, even in his inebriated state he would never hurt you. You could pull away without much effort if you really wanted to.
"You've always been too good for me y/n."
You don't have anything to say to that, so you don't answer him. He isn’t expecting you to. It's not a question to Jaebeom, it's a statement of fact. He's always been a little overprotective, ever since you and Jackson got together and then subsequently broke up. It took a while for them to sort things out and be friends again after the venting you had done to Jaebeom, even if his friend had never really done anything beyond frustrate you.
You two just hadn't been compatible romantically but Jaebeom had held a grudge for you being upset about the breakup long after you and Jackson had sorted things and become friends again. There's no point arguing with him. Your best friend knows you're far from perfect, but he still insist on seeing all the good parts of you anyway.
"It was never you. I just couldn't love you the way you needed me to."
You give in then, to the fondness in your chest and your many years of friendship. You lean down and pull Jaebeom into a hug.
"You've always loved me the way I needed Beom-ah, just not the way I wanted and maybe we're both better off that you don’t feel that way about me."
He pats your arm and allows the sappy moment even though you know he's rolling his eyes about it. That makes you smile a little and when you pull back, he reaches up to wipe at the few tears that have fallen. You hadn't even felt them until he collected them on his thumb. He opens his mouth to say something but you just shake your head.
"I'll get over it, just give me a little time, okay?"
He sighs but he knows there's no point arguing. He's tired and drunk, you're incredibly stubborn. He just nods. You press a last kiss to his cheek.
"Sleep. You're going to feel like hell in the morning."
Jaebeom just gives you a look and moves to crawl under the covers. You slip back into your spot on the other side of the bed and close your eyes. This time you don’t face him and he doesn't comment on the silent tears dripping onto your pillow.
You don't speak about it the next morning but something tense lingers between you as you make Jaebeom breakfast and clean up. You both know this is going to get awkward and maybe even a little ugly before it gets better.
"Good morning sleeping beauty."
You try for teasing, the way you used to find effortless, but it falls a little flat.
"Morning y/n."
Jaebeom's greeting is quiet, he looks as hungover as you expected him to feel, but it’s less enthusiastic than usual. Something is missing between you. You can both feel it.
"Here." You hand him a glass of water and a painkiller. "Coffee?"
He takes them, the water gone in no time as he sinks onto one of the barstools and rests his forehead against the cool marble-look countertop.
"Please. Can I help with anything?"
You just shake your head even though he can't see it. "No. I've got it handled."
You and Jinyoung are the only ones allowed to make yourselves at home in his kitchen. It used to make you feel a little special, this thrill that he likes you better, but that isn't it. You're just guaranteed to clean up after yourself and not leave him with a mess of dishes in the sink. That and he can trust you to make something edible.
Jinyoung is the real special one out of the two of you. He is not guaranteed to make something Jaebeom considers real food but he could leave flour and fingerprints all over every appliance and still be allowed kitchen privileges. He flaunts this knowledge freely.
You're glad that Jaebeom has someone else to talk to because even if you can’t quite understand what he's going through right now, you know he'll never be alone in it. Not as long as your friends are around.
"You need me to call anyone?"
He sits up as you set a plate and fresh mug in front of him.
"No." He shakes his head. "I'm meeting Jinyoung and Yugyeom at the gym later."
You pat his shoulder. If he's going boxing with both of them he's going to be in good hands, but he's going to feel like shit.
"Better eat up then. You'll want to soak up the hangover before Kyeomie kicks your ass."
It feels a little more normal the way he laughs, and winces.
"I am not letting the kid win." He mumbles into his coffee.
"Okay grandpa."
You leave him to eat while you borrow his shower one last time and slip back into your clothes from last night. Jaebeom insists on walking you down to your car, and it’s bittersweet when you finally part. You reach up to cup his cheek in one hand.
He lets you. Leans into it for a minute. Lays his palm over yours and kisses your knuckles as he pulls your hand away gently. You let him pull you into a hug, and the silence is heavy as you both just stand there for a while. Jaebeom's chin resting on the top of your head, your cheek pressed against his chest. It's comfort and one last moment of holding onto things as they are before you have to admit that everything is changing. It feels more like a goodbye than either of you wants to admit.
You blink back the tears until you pull into your own parking spot at your apartment and set the car in park. The moment you pull up the parking brake and turn the keys, hear the engine stop purring, they fall. You sit in your car for an hour just letting them all out. When you finally collect yourself enough to head upstairs you're sure you look like a mess.
It's a good thing you keep a pack of tissues in your purse because today you needed them. You feel empty when you drag yourself upstairs. Drained. Barely human. So of course that's when you meet your new neighbour.
You're just slipping your key into the lock on your apartment door when the one next to you opens and the most beautiful man you've ever seen steps out. He's dressed in jeans and a soft striped sweater tucked in at the hem. He smiles at you softly and you do your best to respond in kind. It probably looks more like a grimace right now.
"Rough day?"
You laugh at the sympathy in his tone.
"You could say that."
He seems nice enough. You don’t want to be rude so you try to muster up the energy to be friendlier than you feel right now.
He nods. "I'll leave you to decompress then. I'm Mark by the way, I don't think we've met."
You take the hand he offers. It's warm and soft, his handshake firm but not in a way that tests you.
"Nice to meet you Mark. I'm y/n."
"I'll remember that when it's not a bad day for you."
His easy smile makes the teasing feel good natured, even in your heightened sensitive state. He isn’t trying to make you feel worse. In fact, he seems to be doing his best to cheer you up. You offer a soft smile back.
The banter is nice, especially because he has no expectactions. The kindness, friendlyness, you didn't realize you needed that right now. He must see the way your face changes because he clears his throat and adjusts the bag on his shoulder.
"I guess I'll see you around."
You nod.
"Well, you do live here."
The crease between his brows eases at the teasing in your tone.
"That I do." He laughs and it's nice to hear after how your day has been so far. "Later y/n."
He smiles as he bids you goodbye to head over to the elevator and you enter your apartment feeling a little less heavy. A cup of tea or six and some time splayed out on your bed staring at the ceiling help you gather yourself enough to move on with your day.
Thankfully it's Sunday. All you have to get through is laundry and cleaning and making a run for some groceries.
Jaebeom gives you the time you asked for. You don’t get so much as a single text for days. You don’t reach out first. You both need a little space to breathe. Your friends allow you exactly two weeks of wallowing before Jackson shows up at your apartment, knocking on your door and refusing to stop making a scene until you let him in.
He's just come from work, you can tell by the rumpled dress shirt and loose tie. He holds up two bags of takeout without a word and you realize that maybe you needed this after all.
"Have you eaten today?"
You follow him into the kitchen, pushing up the sleeves of your oversized sweater as you go to get out some plates.
"Does coffee count?"
He just stares at you. You sigh and set the plates on the counter.
"I can't say it's a priority right now but I'm not starving myself Sseunie."
He folds his arms over his chest and gives you a look that says he's going to take you at your word but he's keeping an eye on you. It makes you smile a little. His concern is well placed even if sometimes it's a little smothering. You step closer and pull him into a hug.
He relents easily enough, resting his cheek against the top of your head as his arms slide around you. It's familiar and you find yourself relaxing. He's warm and the scent of his cologne is soothing. Everything about Jackson is like comfort distilled into a human being. Maybe you're just too used to him.
"You okay?"
You nod as he breathes the question against your hair. He's one of the few people you ever allow so close. Jackson's seen you at pretty much every up and down in life at this point and there isn't much left to feel like you need to hold back from him. He's your closest friend, besides Jaebeom, and somehow it's different.
"I will be."
You step back and turn to grab some cutlery.
"I have some pretty good friends to lean on in the meantime."
That cracks a smile from him and he squeezes your shoulder, moving to open the takeout containers. He picked up all of your favourites.
"Yeah, we are pretty great."
You bump his shoulder with yours and put the kettle on for tea.
"Don’t let it go to your head."
That night you sleep without tossing and turning for the first time and, though it's still raw, it hurts a little less.
You run into Mark again a few days later. This time looking much more presentable, luckily. He catches you on your way back from dropping your garbage in the chute down the hall. He seems to have just come home. You offer him a wave that he returns, mail in hand, as he stops outside his door.
"Got caught in the rain I see?"
You see the dark spots on his t-shirt, the navy blue doing a pretty good job of camouflaging the wetness on his shoulders until you get close enough to see the way his brown hair drips onto them.
He shrugs. "Just the tail end of it."
"I'd offer to let you come dry off and warm up with some hot cocoa but you’re already basically home."
He chuckles at your offer. "Thanks, I appreciate it."
He holds up the envelopes in his hand.
"Unfortunately I have some things to open."
You nod solemnly.
"Ah yes, the all-important letters. I won't keep you then."
He smiles.
"See you around Mark."
He nods and waves again as he steps into his apartment. You're smiling as you follow suit into your own. Maybe actually getting to know the guy next door, just a little bit, didn't have to be awkward the way it was with most of your neighbours. You still haven't spoken to Jaebeom but maybe it’s time to break the silence.
You're in the shower when your phone rings. It's Bambam. You can't help shaking your head as you see his name on the screen when you step out. Three missed calls. He's still just as impatient. You dry your hair and call him back, still wrapped in your towel.
"Hey double B, what's up?"
His sigh is audible even over the phone. "You're spending way too much time with Jackson and Yugyeom."
You can't help the laugh that spills from your lips. It's not often that you get under Bam's skin. He's usually too busy riling up Jaebeom or Jackson to be bothered by your teasing.
"Maybe you’re just not spending enough time with them."
You don't have to see him to know he's rolling his eyes at you.
"I've seen Yugyeom five times this week."
You smile. They're always a little attached at the hip. It's cute. Yugyeom looks up to his slightly older friend and Bambam needs the company. Your youngest friend has such a big heart and Bam often needs a little reassurance, despite how confident he comes off all the time. They make a good pair and balance each other well.
"Well, then I think the problem is that you've become immune to him."
Bam chuckles. "I don't think anyone ever gets immune to Kyeomie."
You grin. "No, not really. That would be like saying you get used to having the sun up close and personal."
Your friend hums in agreement.
"Human sunshine aside, what can I do for you?"
"Are you done sulking about hyung enough to come to the bar with us tonight?"
Your smile grows at his straightforwardness. Bam never sugar coats anything and sometimes that's a little much but often, it's kind of welcome. Sometimes you need someone to just rip the bandaid off and tell it like it is. Even if you don't want to hear it.
"I wouldn't say I was sulking exactly." You hedge.
"Are you coming or not?"
His impatience bleeds through in the whine in his tone.
"Because they're driving me crazy and I need someone sane to hang out with."
You laugh then.
"That depends, are we going to the game bar or the club?"
The distinction is important. Playing drinking games with your friends is a very different night to Bam and Kyeom's idea of clubbing. They will spend all night on the dance floor and as much as you love them, that's not usually so much your scene. You have no sense of rhythm and two left feet. Even if they insist you don't.
It just always feels too awkward with other people watching and you can never seem to let go the way your friends do. You're glad they enjoy it but dancing is absolutely more their thing than your forte.
"Games tonight. They're currently playing rock, paper, scissors to see whether it's board games or the arcade."
You roll your eyes. "Idiots."
Bam snorts. "That's what I said."
"Who's they?"
"Jinyoung and Jackson." There’s a scuffling sound on the other end of the phone. "Can you hear Yugyeom egging them on?"
You can in fact hear the cheering and happy trilling bird sounds in background. It's faint but you would know Yugyeom's happy little giggle and that high pitched yell anywhere.
"So it's going well then?"
More scuffling and then Jaebeom is on the other end of the phone.
"Please say you're coming."
He sounds tired.
"Are they that annoying?"
He sighs. "You have no idea. I haven't known peace in three hours and counting."
You take a look in the mirror. "I'm going to need an hour."
You can almost feel the relief. Then Jaebeom yelps and Bam is back. You wouldn't put it past him to have stolen the phone by distracting your best friend with a nice bite to the hand or a pinch or something equally likely to get him into trouble.
If there was one thing BamBam enjoyed most it was rage baiting your friends. In his defence, their reactions were usually worth it. Not that anyone could ever stay mad at the charming and charismatic Bam. They’re too easily baited for their own good sometimes too.
"I'm coming over. I'll do your hair. Save us half an hour."
Now that is an offer you can't pass up. Never say no when Bam offers to help with hair and makeup, or when Jackson says he'll style you. They both have much better eyes for fashion than you do.
"You just don't want to die today."
"Correct."
"Okay. I'll leave the door unlocked."
He wasn't kidding. You've barely had time to finish freshening up and slip into a suitable outfit before he steps into your apartment and makes himself at home. You've missed this. He really is a wizard, by the time you get a text from Yugyeom that they're leaving (the arcade bar won, points to Jackson), you're nearly ready.
Bambam brushes one last bit of glitter over your eyelids and hands you a pair of platform boots and then you're exiting your apartment arm in arm. He might have talked you into a few shots of soju as a pregame. You're both still steady enough not to need to lean on each other but drinking always makes you a little clingier and Bam loves skinship.
You bump into Mark, clearly just on his way home, if the half-undone tie and two buttons popped on his untucked dress shirt are any indication.
"Well, hello neighbour."
You smile at his slightly startled greeting.
"Fancy seeing you here."
You shake your head. "I know, it's almost like I live here."
He smiles at your easy banter.
"Long day?"
You nod towards his slightly rumpled outfit. He runs a hand through his hair and nods.
"Something like that."
He looks tired. You don’t think you've ever seen him without a big smile and a sense of bouncing energy about him. Not that you've really seen each other that much.
"Are you going out?"
You nod.
"Oh, where are my manners. This is my friend BamBam," You realize you haven't done introductions and Bam has just been standing beside you watching curiously. "Bam, this is my neighbour Mark."
They take each other in and quickly seem to decide all is well because before you know it Mark has stepped closer to offer Bam his hand.
"Nice to meet you man."
Bambam shakes his hand with a smile. "You too."
Mark steps back and smiles softly. "Have a good night."
You wave goodbye as you tug Bam towards the elevators. He just grins the whole way. He doesn't speak until you step in, press the button for the lobby, and the doors close behind you both.
"I like him."
You sigh. "You like any man that's handsome and nice to me for five seconds."
His grin widens. "So you admit you noticed he's good looking?"
"I have eyes Bam." You shake your head. "I can appreciate that he’s pretty without looking any deeper into it."
He just wiggles his eyebrows at you playfully. "You know what they say about getting over someone."
"I am not getting under anyone else right now. Thank you very much. You're going to have to put your matchmaking on hold for a while."
Bam just flashes you that look, the one you know means he's up to no good. You reach up to turn his head, gently pushing his cheek until he's facing forward again.
"I mean it Bam. I need some time okay?"
He softens at your quiet tone. At the hurt in it. He nudges your shoulder lightly with his.
"When you're ready to get back out there..."
You smile softly. "You'll be the first person I call."
The promise lingers between you as you step out into the lobby. You know you can trust him. He just wants you to be happy. And maybe a little bit to earn forever bragging rights by setting you up with your next relationship. He's strangely good at vetting men but between him and Jackson, they can be a lot to run a potential partner through all at once.
"Tonight we're supposed to be having fun."
"That I can manage."
Work drags on that week and you find yourself reaching out first. Jaebeom has been in your life so long it's second nature that he’s the first person you turn to. It's 3pm, you've hit a lull in your emails and you could use a nap if you're honest but another cup of coffee will have to do instead. You get up, stretch, and make your way over to legal.
Jaebeom's office is one floor up and across the building but you know the route. It's one you've walked often over the years. You used to work up here across the floor from Jaebeom still, right over by the copiers. You like the quiet sometimes but it's always busy and hectic around the legal department. You stop at the front desk on your way past.
"Afternoon Sooah."
The receptionist smiles at you. "y/n."
"I'm dragging Jaebeom out for a coffee run, can we bring you anything back?"
"Oh, a green tea would be great if you don't mind."
You insist it's no trouble and wave as you wander through the maze towards your best friend's office. You stop at the desk just outside his inner office and pause to say hello to Haneul.
"Is he in a meeting?"
She shakes her head. "He's not busy until 4."
That's all you needed.
"Strawberry matcha?"
She grins. "I don't know how you remember that."
You just laugh. "We spent enough time as interns together, your drink order will live in my brain forever."
She waves you in and you find Jaebeom entrenched in paperwork. He holds up one finger and you slide into the chair across the desk from him to wait. He looks up when he's finished and blinks at you in surprise. There had been a time when you showing up in his office had been so expected he used to keep your favourite snacks in his top drawer so you wouldn't distract him from his work.
"y/n?"
You just smiled. "Fancy a coffee break Mr. Lim? Or are you drowning in too much legal jargon to step away right now?"
He runs a hand over his face. "I could use a second opinion actually. Can you spare half an hour if I agree to this coffee run?"
You're already halfway to the door.
"For you, always."
"That really does sound less weird coming from you than Jinyoung."
You laugh as he stands and grabs his wallet.
"We can always pop down to Communications and ask him to join us."
Jaebeom's hand lands on your shoulder, face straight as he looks directly ahead.
"I would rather remove my eyeballs with a melon peeler."
You nod. "Very graphic description. So, you two are fighting again huh?"
He sighs and gets the door, nodding for you to step through first. Even when he's irritated Jaebeom remains a gentleman.
"We're not fighting."
You glance back over your shoulder to be sure he's following as you continue ahead.
"Right, you two never fight. You're just sulking because he talked you into going out again this weekend."
Jaebeom doesn't reply and you grin. The lack of protest tells you that you've hit the nail right on the head. You find an extra bounce in your step and his sigh is long-suffering.
"Don’t say it."
You just grin. You really have missed this. Maybe it's better that Jaebeom sees you more like a little sister than a romantic partner. It still feels a little strange falling back into the friendzone but you're getting there.
On Friday night you get dragged out again, but this time on more notice. You don’t complain because even though it's been a long week you like seeing your friends and you know they're trying to get Jaebeom to come out more often. If you agree he has less of an excuse to stay home and drink, or sulk, alone. It's good for him to be a little more social so you'll live. Plus, it's an excuse to dress up and feel cute. You could use that right now.
Except it ends the way it always has lately. Jaebeom starts off tired but trying until one drink turns into six and it all starts going sideways. You've had a few too many shots, trying to distract yourself from the way his fingers wrap around the whiskey glass or his tongue flits out to wet his bottom lip. He notices. At first it's fine because you both know it can't go anywhere, not tonight. Not ever again.
The drinks keep coming, your friends distracting both of you with their stories about the week and silly antics until you're too warm. You step away to freshen up, to get some air. You take a moment to let your hands linger under the stream of cool water, patting them dry and resting your palms against your neck. It helps cool you down a little. One glass of water, you think, you'll go sip it slowly at the bar and then call it a night. Your friends will be so busy chatting up the girls at the table next to yours or on the dance floor they won't even notice, or mind if they do.
You have every intention of leaving before things get out of hand until Jaebeom happens. He's tipsy enough to be both charming and a little vulnerable. You lock eyes from across the small hallway as you exit the washroom and suddenly he's tugging at your wrist to pull you into a quiet corner, eyes half-lidded as his lips find yours.
You sink into it at first, the familiar comfort of his hands on your waist and his breath hot against your ear as he trails his lips down your neck. Your hand comes up to tug at his hair as he nips at your shoulder. You'd be content if this was your life but it can't be. As intoxicating as it might feel in this moment.
"Wait, stop."
He pulls back immediately, a question in his eyes as you catch your breath.
"No."
He blinks. "No?"
His hands are already gone and he's taken a step back to put a little space between your bodies.
"No." You shake your head. "Find someone to help get this out of your system if it works for you, but that person can't be me. Not anymore."
You watch his eyes widen as it clicks. As he remembers. The horrified expression that takes over as he realizes he was about to put you right back into a position you both agreed wasn't working for either of you anymore.
"y/n..."
You smile softly, reaching up to brush the back of your hand over his cheek.
"Please don't apologize Beom-ah. I wish I could give you no strings but you know we're only going to end up hurting each other if I give in tonight. I don't want to resent you."
He nods, running a hand over his face. His laughter is sharp, dry, an awful heartbreaking sound as he steps back against the far wall and slumps into himself.
"If I could love you the way you love me it would fix everything."
It's your turn to step closer this time, stopping when you're toe to toe. Jaebeom just looks at you sadly.
"I know." You rest a hand on his shoulder. "But forcing it hasn't worked. It's time to admit that just isn't our path."
He nods, tucking his hands into his pockets as you step back.
"It would be so much easier."
"Maybe." You agree. "Life doesn't seem to think easy is what we need."
He does smile at that, just for a second. You hold your arms out. "Hug?"
He nods but doesn’t move to initiate. It's almost like he doesn't quite trust himself. You squeeze him lightly before stepping back.
"Come on, let's get you a glass of water."
He follows you back out to the bar.
"What about you?"
"I think I'm going to call it a night."
He nods and you're both saved from lingering awkwardness by Yugyeom spotting you and yelling at you both to join them for another round of soju shots. You smile even as you wave him off and nudge Jaebeom into a seat beside Jackson. They're arguing (playfully) before you even manage to wiggle out of Yugyeom's drunken goodnight bearhug.
Jaebeom makes eye contact with you as you grab your purse and wave. He keeps his eyes on you as he downs his shot and yours and you can only sigh. Maybe it's time to step back and just let Jinyoung shake some sense into him. He'll respect your boundaries, but you’re not sure he's ready to help himself. He'll get there eventually you just worry about the state he might be in before he finally makes the choice to climb back out of this place.
Jinyoung catches you as you turn to go, pulling you into a hug. He uses the goodbye to lean in and whisper so only you can hear.
"I've got him."
Your smile feels a little less unsteady as you step back this time.
"I know."
You find yourself on your balcony nursing a glass of wine after making it home. You have three unread texts and none of them are getting answered tonight. Jackson's probably worrying but he'll understand you need a little space. You don’t want to even attempt to read Jaebeom's typo-riddled apology. If you're both lucky he'll have the sense to un-send it in a few hours before you can muster the courage to open it and you can both pretend it never happened.
The third message you'll get to after another drink or three maybe. It's your old college friend Youngjae. You haven’t caught up in a while, not since he moved across the country for a job last year, but he always has fun stories to tell about things going on in his life or with his family and you do miss talking more often.
Maybe that's something you can focus on to takw your mind off of things for a while. You have the time now to start checking in more. You sigh, dropping your phone onto the chair beside you and leaning against the railing as you take another sip of your wine. It's a sparkling white the woman at the wine bar recommended.
It's all right, nothing special to write home about. You weren't going for spectacular tonight you just wanted something to take the edge off and help you forget. You're starting to understand how Jaebeom has come to use alcohol as such a crutch lately. It works, in the moment at least.
"Well, fancy meeting you here."
You turn to find Mark on his own balcony. He holds up a cup of what looks to be coffee in greeting.
"Aren't you freezing?"
You glance down at your strappy silk dress and shrug.
"Maybe that's part of the appeal."
He seems a little concerned until you smile and tilt your head towards his bare feet.
"Tell that to your toes. They're more likely to get frostbite than my thighs."
He glances down and rubs the back of his neck, smile sheepish.
"Fair enough."
You both stand there in silence for a minute until he steps closer.
"Genuinely though, are you okay?"
You can't help the little spark of warmth that flutters through you at the question. The way he seems to notice when you're not yourself and actually care about the answer. It's... nice.
"I will be."
He nods. "Long night?"
You laugh. "What gave it away? Was it the smudged makeup?"
He shakes his head, smiling as he nods toward your slipper clad feet.
"The combination of little black dress and cookie monster might have been my first clue."
You nod.
"The half empty bottle of wine was another. And I heard you get home like an hour ago." He shrugs. "It’s been quiet."
You step closer to the vine covered iron fence separating your little rectangle of balcony from his.
"You noticed that?"
He smiles. "I've been living beside you for months. It's not hard to notice when the usual pattern changes."
"Are you calling me loud Tuan?"
He just chuckles. "No, I'm saying I like your music taste. That's usually why I end up listening."
You hold out your glass. He clinks it gently with his mug.
"I hope you enjoy the impromptu concerts."
He shrugs, sipping his coffee. "They’re entertainment."
"You think I'm tone deaf, don't you."
He smiles. "No you're quite good, I particularly enjoy your very soulful rendition of we will rock you."
That has you nearly choking on the wine you just swallowed. You snort.
"I'm going to have to stop singing in the shower starting today."
"Please don't, I need some joy in my day."
Mark's easy laughter and teasing unwinds something you hadn't realized was so tense. You feel relaxed for the first time in days. You could get used to the way conversation just flows with him. You never have to talk about anything deep, it's just nice chatting with someone who has no expectactions of you sometimes. Who doesn't know what a mess your life is right now.
"What has you out here sipping caffeine at this hour on a Friday?"
He glances at the watch on his wrist. "Saturday actually."
You laugh. "Okay Mr. Tuan."
He scrunches his nose. "Please never call me that again. I feel like my dad."
You grin. "The first thing you should know about me is never let me know when something annoys you. I will use it against you forever."
He sighs. "I'll remember that for next time."
You lean back against the railing and watch him over the rim of your glass. He looks sleepy and rumpled. Cozy in his sweatpants, hoodie and t-shirt with the wind ruffling that soft brown hair. He adjusts the round frames slipping down his nose.
"So, mister insomnia, care to share?"
He sighs and you see the tiredness his usual cheery smile camouflages so well.
"I guess you could say I've had a long night of my own."
You offer him another clink of your glass. "Welcome to the club then, you want to talk about it?"
He considers your offer and then shakes his head. "Honestly? I'd really just prefer to forget all about it."
You bite your lip and set your glass down, turning to face the sky.
"Do you see those two stars right there?"
You hold your arm out, fingers tracing the path. Mark follows along, tilting his head for a better look as he steps over beside you. He nods.
"That's Canes Vanatici." You smile softly. "The hunting dogs."
He leans against the railing on his side of the fence. "How many of these constellations do you know?"
"Probably less than you expect." You smile softly. "It helps me feel less alone on nights like these to look at the stars and know there's so much else out there."
By the time you've shown him the handful of constellations you know and can find out in the sky tonight, you both seem a little lighter. You've finished up your bottle of wine and slowly sunk into sitting on the floor. It's more comfortable as your conversation turns into chatting about anything and everything. At one point one of Mark's cats wanders to the balcony door to peer out at him and it steers your conversation towards pets.
By the time you both exhaust all your questions and commentary, sleeply lounging around together in comfortable silence now, your phone shows it's nearly five am. The sky is starting to lighten even as you sit leaning against the railing, back to your view, with Mark facing you and hug your arms around yourself. He slipped out of the hoodie he'd thrown on over his t-shirt an hour ago and you find yourself wrapped in the scent of him, something clean and fresh and simple, as he groans and stretches.
"That's probably my cue to get inside."
You smile when he stands, offering you a hand.
"I think the sun wants us gone."
He laughs as you stretch and scoop your phone up off the chair, each gathering your cups. You make sure to collect the bottle and turn offer him a wave.
"Thank you for the sweater. I'll get it back to you after we've both had at least a few hours of sleep."
He just grins and shakes his head. "I'm not in a rush, I know where to find you."
You nod and hold your hand out over the fence to bump his fist.
"See you around neighbour. Thanks for keeping me company last night."
"And this morning."
You feel much lighter as you wave your goodbyes and slip back inside. The headache pounding at your temples is going to demand all of your attention very soon but you don’t dread it as much as you had when you first got home last night.
Jackson's voice is loud when you crawl out of bed hours later to answer the phone currently trying to vibrate its way off of your nightstand.
"Sseunie?"
"Just calling for proof of life. I haven't heard from you in like sixteen whole hours."
You sigh. He's so dramatic.
"I'm alive."
He chuckles as you groan and thank your past self for downing a glass of water and two painkillers before falling asleep. She even managed to remove your makeup so it didn't smear your fresh pillowcase.
"Hungover?" His voice softens. "Do you need me to come over with food and vitamins?"
You smile softly.
"I'm okay. I think I'm just going to shower and go grab some takeout."
If you feel like shit you can't even imagine how the rest of them must be faring.
"Take care of yourself."
He snorts. "I'm fine, and so is Jinyoungie. Yugyeom's being a big baby and Bam tried to take my head off with his spare pillow when I ventured in to wake them up for lunch a few hours ago so they'll be fine too."
You smile softly. That does sound like your friends.
"And Beomie?"
"He's at Jinyoung's nursing the hangover from hell. Last I heard he was being fed crackers and promising never to drink again. He's in good hands."
You run a hand over your face and lean back against your headboard.
"Go give Jinyoungie a hand then. I'll come deal with the babies. Are they at yours?"
Jackson sighs. "I knew you'd say something like that. I'm already on my way with hangover soup and gatorade. Bam's spare key is in the usual spot. Kyeom's on the couch."
"I'm going to shower and grab takeout on the way. I'll be there by the time you and Youngie manage to give Beom-ah another headache."
He wasn't exaggerating. Yugyeom is in the shower when you let yourself into Bambam's apartment and you take your time unpacking everything carefully in the kitchen.
The smell of his favourite foods slowly entices your friend out of his room. He looks as tired as you feel. Hair askew, still rubbing at his eyes. You just hand over the bowl of tom yum and watch as he scans the food and then you, appearing a little more awake now.
"What's the catch here?"
You understand the suspicion.
"Can't I just be a good friend?"
He tilts his head back and forth like it's possible but he isn’t sure he believes that's your only motivation.
"We're all suffering. I figured being miserable with company was better than without."
You step aside as a still-damp Yugyeom makes his way into the kitchen, toweling at his hair groggily.
"Go sweat out your demons. I asked them to make it extra spicy just for you."
Bam snorts but goes to take a seat at the dining table. You let Yugyeom make up a plate before joining them. It's silent for a minute as you all start to eat and you can see the energy returning to their faces.
"Why are you miserable?" Yugyeom asks between bites of chicken. "You left so early. You're barely even hungover."
You just smile at him and shake your head.
"I might have done some solo drinking at home."
He eyes you like he’s not sure whether he wants to ask, but of course does it anyway.
"Jaebeom hyung type drinking alone? or the fun kind?"
You scrunch your nose and sip your hydration drink. "Not quite that level of wallowing but... not exactly the fun kind either. I had a little unexpected company that made it not so bad."
BamBam perks up at this. "Male company?"
You sigh. "Not like that."
He’s latched onto your reluctance and you know you’re not getting out of today unscathed. That was your first mistake.
"What was it like then?"
"It was... I don't know. Feeling a little less stupid and lonely about my choices lately?"
Yugyeom just shakes his head.
"You finally decide to stop chasing after that heartbreak?"
You roll your eyes at him. "I think so. I'm trying anyway."
He nods, not even looking up from his food.
"Good. It sucks being in the middle of you two always fucking each other up."
"Or just fucking each other." BamBam throws in.
"That too. I don't think I can unsee or unhear some things."
"Oh your poor little ears. You'll live."
Both men share a grin. You point at them.
"Say it and I'm letting him deal with you both next time."
They cackle and double over in laughter but thankfully not a single imitation of you moaning Jaebeom's name slips through anyone's lips.
"I'm getting new friends."
Yugyeom leans in, head on your shoulder as he slides one long arm over the back of your chair.
"You can't get rid of us. You like us too much."
"Debatable." You plant your palm on his forehead and push.
"We're too cute." He tries again.
"Getting closer."
He tugs you in until you're pressed against his side.
"We're incredibly annoying but you hate us less than talking to strangers and being vulnerable all over again. Also, we're very stubborn so good luck with getting us to leave you alone."
You point your chopticks at him. "Ding ding ding, we have a winner."
"Rude."
You crack a smile at his mock-offense and the way he can't hold back his grin.
"Okay, okay. I love you sometimes."
You concede. He just giggles and lets you go, going back to chowing down on his meal.
"Speaking of new friends," BamBam wiggles his eyebrows at you. "How's getting to know that cute guy next door?"
"Mark?"
He shrugs. "The one we saw on our way out last week?"
You nod. "That's him."
"Yeah, tell me about this one."
"Bam there's nothing to say. He's my neighbour. He seems nice. We're not friends. I barely know the first thing about him."
Until today that is.
"Okay. So how do we go about changing that? Because you, my friend, need to hit that."
You just groan and bury your head in your hands.
"I am so not talking about this with you."
Yugyeom just looks between you both like he's watching a tennis match.
"Can I meet him next?"
"None of you are meeting him ever again."
"Why not? I want a new friend."
You do not manage to talk Yugyeom out of walking you home after dinner. Not even while you wipe down Bam's kitchen together and clean up the mess they left last night. Thankfully Mark is nowhere to be found and your tall friend heads home looking dejected after using up every excuse to linger half an hour longer than necessary after dropping you back at your apartment.
You don’t know how long keeping him away again is going to last but at least you have one more night of peace to look forward to before he really locks in on it.