also me: has the hardest time articulating it because it's A LOT and seems like it's about xyz when it's more about something else but along that and *screams*
also me: anyways buck ends up on the floor of his house crying
(more under the cut, like A LOT more)
okay but I think the reason why it's so hard to turn it into words it's because for all the love I have for buck the idea seems like I'm putting him in a blender and then draining him with a cheesecloth okay.
so basically the plot per se came from the "speed dating episode theory" and it's like, the three of them go and buck is both not interested in getting anyone that night but also he does listen when he's being told "it's been over a year, you could try this, it'll be fun", like okay it makes sense for him.
so the night of the event it's like classic speed dating montage, where it seems like the next date is worse than the previous one, and for the final one in comes this guy, let's call him nick, whose first words to buck are "hey you seem like a nice guy, but I'm just here as a favor to my friends" and buck's both intrigued and amused by this dude who okay, is objectively hot and is dressed really well and smells amazing why the fuck did he put so much effort into this (when buck ALSO did so-), so buck does indeed get that buck flirtatiousness of his and replies like "well you're kind of lucky tonight since I'm here because my friends begged me to, I didn't even want to come here" and they both laugh, there's this energy as they talk about it and diss their friends together, nick mentions he's an ER nurse, buck that he's a firefighter and when it seems it could turn into something else the bell rings and they have to change seats. the night ends with buck getting the guy's number (and buck giving his).
so for the next let's say two weeks they text, call, go on a first date which was good okay, things felt REALLY good on that date. then it goes on to a second date which is even better, like the guy is genuinely great and all, which makes buck feel strange (in a good way since he hasn't felt like this in a while). nick even leaves buck at his front door and there's this little moment of "you want come in?" and although none of them expect much really buck does reveal it's been a while for him (he has a "jesus it's been too long" sort of moment also HELLO "you haven't had sex in a year?" parallel???) and nick says it's fine and buck gets flirty and welcomes him in.
so it's a much slower pace, but they end up on buck's bed, nick's bulk on top of buck's, he even grabs one of buck's legs to wrap it around his hips, and buck IS excited about it okay. they get into it, soooo into it, even with most of their clothes still on, but then nick starts trailing kisses down buck's neck and buck was so lost in the haze that when he opened his mouth he wasn't even thinking about his words, and nick's body stiffens and the kissing and the grinding stops, which makes buck open his eyes because okay that's weird. when he does nick is looking at him with his brows furrowed, buck asking what's wrong and nick just goes "who's tommy?"
and it takes a couple of times of buck asking what he's talking about to understand he called nick by his ex's name, which immediately makes him go a little panicky, and nick is like "no big deal, you could've told me you were seeing more than one guy though" and buck on the inside is like noooo no you don't understand— then nick sits up and asks if they can end the night there, call him tomorrow or something. buck is like, mortified but also distraught in a way he hadn't felt before, he even stands up and springs towards nick who's already leaving buck's bedroom and he tries to explain but nick keeps saying that it's okay that he doesn't have to explain, and he leaves.
and buck is like, this is fine but not really. then it's not really to okay this actually feels really bad I need to sit down, so he rests his back against the door and slowly drags himself down to the floor, and there's a lot of thoughts and memories hitting him FAST and suddenly he's getting into child's pose and just, screams. it's a guttural kind of scream, the kind that will obviously make his throat sore, and he feels hot tears escape him and fall straight to the floor. and he just, doesn't stop. that's how he ends up on the floor of his house, the entrance hall to be exact, lying down and crying.
the thing is, the facts are the easiest part to explain about this? it's the why did I even have this idea and the more emotional aspect of it that's harder to put into words that make my point understandable.
so if you reached this point let me tell you: no this is not JUST about buck missing tommy, actually. I got the idea from this buck line from 8x10 "everything felt like it was finally getting back to the way it should be. gerrard was out as captain and-and bobby was back in and... and then tommy dumps me." now, NO I do not think that buck would blame tommy for every single thing that went wrong after he dumped him BUT it is an interesting point that the writing did have buck get into a series of (REALLY) unfortunate events afterwards, even when it was for the most part incidental.
and there's the added factor of wanting to feel better with your life, wanting to move forward and build a new version of yourself, only to have one event set you back emotionally. that's where the "crash out" comes into place, that's why it's not really just about buck missing tommy, that's why it's more about the frustration and the "before and after" in buck's life re: tommy dumping him. again, NO, this is not a "tommy caused xyz to happen" please get the fuck out if you think so, okay? good.
also anything that's related to buck processing the breakup is something I'm obsessed with, now why did my brain have to come up with this is and will be a mystery. I know buck has processed it in canon and I accept it, like yeah we have 8x11 as the best example when he asked tommy if he was still scared (while previously looking so happy about the mere idea of getting back together), but still some more of knowing how he felt during those first months would be great, or like, even how he feels now compared to then, which ties into the reaction he has to still having tommy in his mind.
and as you could guess this scenario doesn't have a definitive ended re: bucktommy, and that's fine to me because I made it more about how buck is processing things + him crashing out.
yes yell at me all you want about me giving buck more pain but THAT is why I said what I said at the beginning, that this was me putting him in the blender. okay now we're actually done, go and yell at me in my inbox about this manuscript of a post.
#lana del rey
#cats of tumblr
#horror movies
#photography
