When Tommy wakes up, it's still dark out, he's hot and sweating, and he's pretty sure he's about to fall off the bed. Or, get pushed off the bed. He takes a second to gather his bearings, and then he notices that his boyfriend's head is right next to his own. On Tommy's pillow.
Evan is plastered against him, his skin so hot against Tommy's, they're both under the duvet, and he's crowding into Tommy's space so much, Tommy is at the edge of the bed. Another inch and he'll be on the floor.
He smiles and rolls his eyes, already used to how cuddly Evan is. He tries to gently push him away, to the middle of the bed at least, but Evan just makes a disapproving sound and burrows his head further into Tommy's pillow. Tommy tries to shove him, a little less gentle, but to no effect.
"Baby," he tries, shaking his arm a little. "I hate to wake you, but I need you to move."
"Mm, no." Evan says, eyes still closed. Tommy's not sure he actually woke up.
"You're on my pillow," Tommy tries to push him away again, as gentle as possible.
"'S more comfortable," Evan mumbles, wrapping his arms tighter around Tommy. A laugh bubbles out of Tommy's chest.
"You're so adorable, but I'm almost on the floor. You wanna switch pillows?"
"Nah, yours will be more comfy anyway." Evan says, a smile playing at his lips.
"Uh-huh. So it's not about the pillow?" Tommy asks teasingly, though he knows, he's known before he woke him up.
"I wanna be close to you," Evan whines, fingers digging into Tommy's skin like he's afraid he was gonna leave.
"I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart," Tommy chuckles, presses a kiss to his forehead. "But could we maybe move a little? I'm about to fall off the bed," he says quietly, amused, running his fingers through Evan's sleepy curls.
"God, you're so needy," Evan mutters, teasing, and Tommy wants to laugh. He doesn't, though, just gently pushes at Evan once again, and this time he goes, shuffles to the middle of the bed — but grabs at Tommy's arm to bring him closer.
"I'm here, relax," Tommy says, moving right next to him, until there's not an inch of space between their bodies. He's still hot and Evan being so close isn't helping, so tries to kick the sheets off, but Evan protests that, too. "Don't tell me you're actually cold."
"I'm not, but I like being covered. Can I sleep now?"
"I guess I'll be sweating, then," Tommy shakes his head, presses a kiss to Evan's hair.
"Tommy," Evan starts, but then opens his eyes, gives him a displeased look, and shuffles the covers around until he's only half covered, on one side by the duvet, on the other by Tommy. And Tommy's uncovered and finally a little cooler, only heat coming from Evan's skin. "Better?"
"Yeah," Tommy responds, watching as Evan makes himself comfortable again, still sharing Tommy's pillow, tucking his head under Tommy's.
"So sleep now," he says, getting comfortable and muttering something about waking him up for no reason.
"Yessir," Tommy chuckles, wrapping his arm around his man. "I love you," he whispers, though he thinks Evan is back asleep already. But then he hears a quiet, barely audible response.
"Love you." Evan mutters, fingers grabbing onto Tommy's forearm, like he never wants him to move away. Tommy has no intention to. He's right where he's supposed to be, and he'll stay here forever. With this pillow-hogging cuddle machine, with a really tight grip even in his sleep. He'll gladly wake up in the middle of the night due to almost falling off the bed for the rest of his life, as long it's with Evan.
So I have this headcanon/kinda fic idea that after Buck and Tommy get married (and/or have their daughter) Buck gets like really had anxiety. He can barely function sometimes because he is so scared that something is going to happen. It gets bad enough that Bobby has to start making him man behind and Tommy has to be constantly checking in and calling. Everyone is obviously worried but Buck won’t talk about what’s happening. Bobby and Tommy are the only people that Buck talks to about this but even then it’s only a little bit.
Then one day the 118 are at the station, the news is playing on the tv and they see a story about a house in the same neighborhood as Buck and Tommy’s house with a truck in the living room that killed two people and injured two more. Buck has a panic attack and struggles to breathe. After it passes, with help from Bobby and Eddie, for the rest of the day Buck can’t stop shaking. When he’s packing up to leave Bobby stops him and tells him that he needs to get help. When they’re at home Buck is still shaking and is quiet, Tommy can’t get him to say a word. At some point in the night Tommy wakes up and Buck isn’t in bed next to him.
Buck is in the living room, sitting on the couch, crying. Tommy crouches near Buck and it all breaks. Evan tells Tommy all the fears he’s gained, all the terrible scenarios that have been filling his brain, he tells Tommy about the panic attacks that he’s hidden, about the ones that he hasn’t, he tells him about being scared that he’s broken. And Tommy listens. When Evan is finished, Tommy wipes away his tears, kisses his head, and leads him back to bed. The next morning Buck doesn’t get out of bed and hardly eats. The next day Buck sets an appointment with a Dr Theatt from the department.
Buck slowly starts to get better, he’s still quiet and doesn’t smile as much. But he’s starting to get better. He starts taking antidepressants and anxiety meds, he starts going out on calls again and he survives a whole shift without hearing Tommy’s voice. Dr Theatt (who prefers to be called Max) says that he’s doing better, that he’s opening up more about his fears. One day, in the final hours of a 48 hour shift, Buck leaves the bunk room and finds himself in the kitchen. Bobby is in the living area and when Buck looks lost Bobby gets up and teaches Buck to make crepes. Buck smiles, a genuine smile, he laughs too, a full body laugh that can be heard echoing all throughout the sleeping station.
Buck is starting to get better. The longer he’s taking his meds the more they work. When he’s at an appointment with Max, they ask him if he was ever diagnosed for ADHD. So he starts getting better. Eventually, he goes two months without shaking hands or shortness of breath because he started thinking about a crashed helicopter. And then one day Tommy stops by the 118 house and sees Evan making everyone laugh and he himself is smiling while he pours the macaroni noodles in the pot of boiling water. Tommy thinks he falls in love all over again.
Break the Glass | 2,993 words, T | Crash that helicopter
Down Under | 2,833 words, M | PTSD, drug addiction
Stay | 20,012 words, T | H/C, Kidnapping
Dead | 4,813 words, G | Red String of Fate
I Would Kill / Lie / Die For You (The Fake Dating Week) | 8,749 words, T | Fake Dating, Angst/Humor
Scales Are Falling, Father | 1,108 words, G | Grief
The Beautiful Dark of Life | 11,445 words, T | Time Travel
An Angel Who Cries For Me | 2,660 words, T | Grief
Watch Your Step, Cassandra | 18,687 words, T | Red String of Fate
We Are Just Strings of Pearls | 2,315 words, E | Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting
I Don't Care If the Sky Will Fall | 8,563 words, T | H/C for BuckTommyGiftExchange
These Scars Won't Define Us | 1,840 words, T | H/C for the BuckTommyFanzine2025
BuckTommyWhumpWeek Day 7 | Day 5 | Day 2
Darkness Settles In | 14,879 words, M | Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Buck's POV
Bleeding Out | 1,132 words, T | Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Tommy's POV
I Didn't Know How To Love You | 17,213 words, T | Hurt/Comfort, Buck's POV
Crimson Renegade | 12,933 words, T | Wild West AU, Buck's POV
The Sky Was Bruised, The Wine Was Bled | 2,437 words, T | Character study, Tommy's POV
All the Pain | 13,520 words, T | Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Love Can Only Heal [BuckTommy Tumblr Prompts] | 12,817 words, T | Tumblr Prompt fills, 16 individual stories
It's a Fragile Thing, This Life We Lead | 4,007 words, T | Angst, Hurt/Comfort
In the Dark | 14,612 words, T | Hurt/Comfort
Starts With a Spark, Then It's a Wildfire | 2,065 words, T, Angst, Post Break-Up
It Hurts to Feel, to Think, to Know I May Be Nothing | 1,719 words, T | Fix-it, Post Break-up
Come and Let the Storm Bring us to Life | 2,613 words, E | Helicopter sex
Remember Everything | 3,931 words, T | Hurt/Comfort
3 Times Buck's Date With Tommy Went Awry – And The One Time It Didn't | 7,954 words, M | Awkward dates
Desert Dreams | 4,691 words, T | Whump, Helicopter Crash
Simply the Best, Reprise (Simply the Beast) | 2,304 words, E | Semi-Public Sex, Frottage
And How My Heart Sang True That Day | 2,309 words, T | Friendship, Character Study
I am the broken, I am the wound | 3,935 words, T | PTSD
"We're doomed." | 2,609 words, T | BuckTommypositivityweek (2), day 1: Season Opening Disaster
Wann (When?) | 1,952 words, T | BuckTommypositivityweek, day 2: Nicknames and Terms of Endearment
Has Anybody Noticed That The Sky Is Falling? | 3,427 words, T | Hurt/Comfort, Anosmia
Whisper Your Desires, And I'll Teach You How To Feel | 2,921 words, E | First Time Fic
Watch Me Burn | 3210 words, E | Kitchen Sex, POV Tommy Kinard
I'll Be Your Hero | 1,562 words, T | Shovel Talk
Set It Off Tonight, Baby, Just Like Fire & Gasoline | 3,378 words, E | First Time Fic
The Day Conny Kramer Died | 3,889 words, T | Crack Fic
Let's be a miracle | 992 words, T | Domestic Fluff
“I thought everyone else just hated them.” Buck scratches the back of his head, staring down at the pile of dark purple containers nestled in the wooden bowl. Tommy shakes his head. “We go the extra mile here. How’s a man supposed to get on with his day without seven blackberry jellies on four halves of toast.” Buck’s jaw drops. “So I have a bit of a sweet tooth, jeez.” Tommy puts his hand to his chest like he’s testifying in court. “Evan, it’s a culinary crime. But lucky for you I’ve been at this too long not to have seen worse.”
They laugh together and it sounds like Tommy needs it. But the diner is too busy and their conversation is too soon interrupted. “I’ll check in on you later.” Tommy promises, and Buck happily digs into his now arrived food. “Seven.” He sees Tommy mouth at him from across the restaurant. Buck just scoffs through a mouthful of hashbrowns, swinging back around to face front in the chair.
He's not really thinking about it when he pulls out his phone out of his pocket and automatically searches Tommy's contact. He only realizes what he's doing after the third beep, and he wants to immediately hang up, pretend he didn't just call his ex, maybe block his number before he could call back, if he even would, just do something to avoid embarrassment, but then-
"Evan?" Tommy's confused, and slightly concerned, voice sounds on the other side.
"Uh, hi," Buck responds quietly, "I- I didn't think you'd pick up," he adds, shaking his head as he continues walking down the street, towards more colorful houses.
"Evan, you know I'll always pick up when you call," Tommy's voice sounds way too earnest, and Buck's eyes sting.
you're my happily ever after (so i'll take my chance now, risk it all somehow)
rating: G
words: 2.6k
8x06 fix-it, because I'm pissed - I or my fics aren't going anywhere tho <3
thank you to @evansboyfrend for beta reading, ily 🫶
[also on Ao3]
It feels like the whole world is crumbling down. It feels like the Earth should shake, burst on fire, open up and swallow everything around. As dramatic as it is, he kind of expects it to happen, and it’s weird that he’s still sitting here. His ears are ringing, panic rising in his chest with each of Tommy’s words. He watches Tommy get up and head for the door, and he’s frozen to his spot. It’s not- it can’t be. It fucking can’t be.
“Wait,” he finally manages to say, trying to keep his voice from trembling, “did you just break up with me?” He asks, hoping to any entity that listens that he just misinterpreted it, that he got it wrong. Because- because he can’t lose Tommy. He’s falling for him so fast and so hard. He’s ready for the next step. He’s ready to move in together. He’s ready to talk about one day, eventually, maybe getting married. He knows he wants that. He knows what he wants, and he wants Tommy.
“Yeah, I guess I did.” Tommy answers, glancing back at him, his expression sad but firm. But Buck knows him. Knows that this mask will crumble into something devastated as soon as he leaves. That Tommy’s heart will shatter, just as Buck’s is right now. He can see through Tommy, he knows that he cares about Buck. It just- it doesn’t make sense. What was he even talking about… It was all so much, so fast, Buck’s brain is still scrambling trying to understand it all.
“Believe me, I didn’t see-” Tommy starts, but Buck shakes his head and interrupts him.
“No.” He stands up, his legs feeling shaky. Tommy fully turns towards him, confusion in his face.
“What do you mean, ‘no’?” He frowns.
“I mean, no, you’re not breaking up with me.” Buck says more confidently than he feels. Because this can’t be it. The last six months, the best six months of his fucking life, can’t end like this. Can’t end at all. He won’t have this. “I know you care about me. And I care about you. And I don’t want to break up.” He sees Tommy open his mouth to speak, his expression hardening – putting on a mask again, trying to hide the hurt. He speaks again before Tommy can. “If you truly, genuinely want this, not because you think it’s gonna be better for me or you, but because you don’t want to be with me, fine, I can respect that. But I won’t accept it without a fight. I- I wanna fight for us, Tommy.” Buck steps closer to him, hoping that Tommy doesn’t step back, that might just break him. He doesn’t, he’s stuck in place, sad eyes on Buck’s. “Let me fight for us. You-” he adds quickly, on a roll now, not wanting Tommy to interrupt until after he’s done, after he’s said his piece. He needs to say it all now, let Tommy know how he feels. He can’t watch him leave without trying to fix it first. Tommy’s looking at him intently, just listening, not even trying to speak. “You gave me a second chance once, when I fucked up our first date, and I- I want to believe it wasn’t for nothing. So- so you’re my first man, so what?” Buck throws his hands up in frustration, he thinks he’s starting to sound a little frantic, speaking faster and faster. He just can’t let Tommy leave without him knowing exactly how Buck feels. “It’s far from my first relationship ever. Why- why is it so different just because you’re a man? It shouldn’t be. I don’t need to date other people, experiment or whatever else. I’ve dated people, slept around, did it all. I know how that goes, how it feels, and I don’t want to do it again. I know what I want, Tommy. And I want you. And don’t you dare tell me how I feel.” He feels anger seep in, Tommy’s words ringing in his head. What the actual fuck was he thinking? “I’m a grown man, I know how I feel. Yeah, it’s new and exciting, but it’s also real. It’s real to me, and- and if there’s any chance of forever, I want to take it. And-” he takes a breath. He feels like he’s been speaking in one breath, feeling a little lightheaded now, his heart hammering. Or maybe that’s just the panic. “And don’t start with the whole ‘I’m not your last’ bullshit.” He shakes his head again, tears welling up in his eyes, anger still building. Really, what in the world? How could Tommy want to just throw away the most wonderful relationship that’s happened to Buck in years? Maybe ever? “You don’t know that. I don’t know that. Yeah, we could break up one day. But you could also be my forever, and I could be yours. I’d love a chance to find out, even if it hurts in the end. But maybe that’s just me. Maybe I’m the only one here brave enough to risk it. And- and what about my heart, huh?” Tears are threatening to spill, his voice shaking now, with sadness and anger, and desperation. He can’t let him go, he can’t. “You said I’d break your heart eventually. But this, right now? This is you breaking mine.” He finishes, almost panting now, his monologue taking the wind out of him, wanting to say everything on his mind, in his heart. He hopes he got his point across.
“Evan.” Tommy just whispers, with a pained expression. There are tears in his eyes, too, one lone one slipping through, falling down his cheek. Buck’s hand itches to reach out and wipe it off, but he’s not sure if he’s allowed to anymore.
“Give us a chance, Tommy. Let us fight for this. Fight for me, for us. Fight with me.” He’s aware he sounds like he’s begging at this point, but he doesn’t care. This is too important. “I thought it’s been so good between us lately-”
“It has!” Tommy rushes to say. “It’s been amazing. You make me so happy. That’s why I’m scared, I just- I’m sorry, Evan, but I can’t let myself get hurt like this again. Because I- I’ve been there before, and it was hard to get back up, and with you- I don’t think I’d be able to ever recover from this one.” He admits, his stone-faced facade crumbling, and Buck can see his own feelings reflected in Tommy’s expression. Sad, devastated, heartbroken.
“We can- we can take some time apart.” Buck says around a lump in his throat. He feels like he can’t breathe. All he wants is to rewind until before he dropped the moving in bomb which must be what made Tommy freak out. He could say anything else, and take it slower, and maybe they’d be on their way out right now, a date night like they planned. “If that’s what you need. A break. But not for good. And then let’s come back to it clear-headed, knowing for sure what we want. And if you still want to break up, I- I’ll respect that. But I already know what I want,” he repeats firmly, decisively. “I want a future with you. I want to move in together, and one day down the line get married, and- and I want it all with you. We can slow down if I’m rushing this. I tend to do that, and if it’s scaring you, I’m sorry.” He adds, not wanting to backtrack any of this, but aware of how intense he’s coming off. He’s never been more serious about anything in his life. “But the past six months have been the best in my life. I’ve never felt so happy, so free, so comfortable, so safe. And I’m not giving up on you, Tommy. I will fight for you until I can’t anymore, until you tell me that you don’t care about me and I should just fuck off.”
“Evan. You know I’ll never say that.” Tommy responds quietly.
“I know. Because I’m confident in us, in the fact that you do care, and you do want me. I know that.” Buck emphasizes, and realizes, not for the first time, that he never felt like this before. This secure. This confident about someone wanting him. “I also know you’re just trying to protect yourself, your heart, and I get it. But I can’t let you go without a fight. I won’t. I messed up a lot in my life, and I won’t mess up this. I refuse to. Because I-” he takes a sharp breath, the words pressing on his lips. He doesn’t want to say it for the first time in a possible break up, a moment of such anger and devastation. But he needs to put it all out there. Needs Tommy to understand how much he’s trying to throw away right now. “I love you, Tommy.” He confesses, sees Tommy’s face melt into the saddest expression Buck’s ever seen on anyone, tears spilling freely now. Both of theirs, he realizes, feeling wetness on his cheeks. “I’ve been falling for you a little bit more with each day we spend together, with each minute. And I know- I hope you feel the same. But if you can look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t-” he swallows thickly, the thought alone is too much to bear.
“I can’t do that.” Tommy interrupts quickly. “Of course I love you, Evan. It happened so quickly it kind of scared me a little.”
“I noticed.” Buck says dryly, and Tommy lets out a humorless chuckle. “If you ask me, which you didn’t, by the way, you decided for both of us, which was an asshole move,” he points out, and Tommy looks away, as if ashamed. Good. Buck loves him, which means he’s gonna call out when he’s acting shitty. “I’d rather give us a real try and get my heart shattered if it comes to this, instead of always wondering what if, always wondering if you’re my one who got away. Which you would be.”
“I’m sorry.” He shakes his head, takes a step towards Buck, now just half a step away. “I’m sorry, maybe breaking up is too hasty. Impulsive,” he scoffs at himself, probably remembering how he called Buck that just a few minutes ago. Well, so maybe they’re both a little impulsive. Not a problem, in Buck’s opinion. “I don’t- I don’t want to break up. I never want to be away from you.” He says, his voice barely above a whisper. His hand flinches at his side, like he wants to reach out, grab Buck’s, touch him. Buck hopes he does. “It just- it seemed too fast. Like you got wrapped up in the moment. It’s still so new, I thought we were taking it one step at a time, and I didn’t-” he takes a deep breath, as if bracing himself, and Buck knows what he says is going to sting – and it does, it feels like a gut punch, actually, “I didn’t think you were as serious about this as I was getting. And I realize we should’ve done the mature thing and talked it out. I’m sorry. It’s just, we’ve barely talked about any future here. But I want it, of course I do. I’m just- I’m scared. My heart has never been in this much danger.” He looks into Buck’s eyes as he says it, more vulnerable than ever. This is everything Buck wants right now, for them to talk, to discuss this, to try fixing it, instead of one of them running away and the other giving up and not fighting for it. Buck’s been there, he doesn’t want a repeat.
“Tommy.” Buck is the one to close the distance between them, carefully brings his hands up to cup Tommy’s face, giving him a chance to back away, but he doesn’t. Instead, he breathes out a sigh of relief, like he craved Buck’s touch as much as Buck craves his. “You remember when I told you I wanted something with you? Even though I didn’t know what that something was yet?” he asks and Tommy nods slightly, Buck’s palms still resting on his cheeks. “I’ve been serious about you since that precise moment. About pursuing this, and wanting some kind of future with you. I know I tend to rush into things, it’s been a problem before.” He huffs a self-deprecating laugh. “I tried not to do that with you, but I failed, clearly. I just think from now on, we both should stay and talk and try to work it out if we have any issues with something. If you still want me.” He adds a little anxiously, but relaxed when he feels Tommy’s palms settle on his hips.
“Of course I want you, Evan. I always will.” Tommy says, that loving look in his eyes, that always makes Buck’s heart melt a little. That look that Buck loves so much, that made him think that Tommy might feel the same way.
“Good. Like I said, I’m not letting you go. Ever.” He says decisively, a huge weight that’s been there since the topic even started finally lifting off his chest. This might be the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and no matter the conclusion – which he’s pretty sure will be the happily ever after he’s always craved – it’s worth the risk, it’s worth everything.
“Good.” Tommy echoes, that gorgeous, scrunchy smile of his slowly spreading on his face, and it’s like sunshine came out from behind stormy clouds. “I don’t intend on letting you go, either. I love you, sweetheart. And I’m so sorry for… for this mess. For overreacting.”
“That’s fine, we’re past this- well, actually, we are gonna talk about it more, but at least we’re on the same page now, I hope.” Buck says, slowly leaning in. “I love you so much. I never want to lose you.”
“I’m sorry.” Tommy says again, and Buck just wants him to stop saying it. It’s fine, they’re fine now. “You won’t. You have me for as long as you want. I promise.”
“What if I want you forever?” Buck whispers, his face so close to Tommy's, their lips almost brush. It sends a shiver down his spine, like he hasn’t kissed him in days, when they just exchanged a quick kiss hello a few minutes ago.
“That works for me.” Tommy smiles again, and finally dives in for a kiss, but it lasts barely a second before he’s pulling away, Buck trying to follow. Tommy chuckles, running a comforting hand up and down Buck’s side. “But maybe let’s put a pause on the whole moving in together thing, huh? At least until we fully talk everything through.”
“Yeah, good idea.” Buck nods, his gaze flickering between Tommy’s eyes, now sparkling happily, and his pretty, kissable lips. It feels so good to be able to just have a mature conversation and resolve whatever issues arise. If they keep doing that, he thinks they’re going to be okay. He’ll make sure of that. “No need to be impulsive,” he adds, his lips twisting into a teasing smirk.
“Okay.” Tommy chuckles quietly, his cheeks reddening. “Just kiss me.”
Buck doesn’t need to be told twice. He kisses Tommy like he means it, like he’s his person, like he’s the love of his life, trying to put all those emotions into a kiss. He knows for sure he’s getting the same intent back. And at this moment, in his kitchen, narrowly avoiding losing his love because of a stupid reason, he decides it. One day, not too quickly, but not too far into the future, he’s going to ask Tommy Kinard to marry him. And he’s more than sure of the response he’ll get.
my heart's found a home I've been dreaming of (now that I've found you, I'm looking in the eyes of love)
this fic was written for @bucktommycharityrace ❤ please, if you're able to, go donate to Lambda Legal in celebration! 💕
________
rating: G
words: 3.6k
[also on Ao3]
The first time Tommy says it, Evan’s already fast asleep, snoring quietly. He’s on his stomach, one leg wrapped around one of Tommy’s, a hand loosely holding Tommy’s wrist, never wanting to let him go, even in his sleep. Tommy smiles as he tangles the fingers of his free hand in Evan’s messy curls, and just lets himself look.
Evan’s face is half-hidden in his pillow, those pretty, pink, kissable lips parted. The only source of light is the lamp on Tommy’s bedside table, casting shadows in the room, bathing Evan in a soft, warm glow. He looks so peaceful, aside from a little frown between his eyebrows, that Tommy has learned means Evan’s having some crazy or confusing dream he’ll definitely hear about in the morning. It must be a relatively good dream, though, because he seems otherwise relaxed, calm. Tommy’s hand slips from his hair to his cheek, just a soft, featherlight touch, which Evan leans into. He’s so beautiful and so adorable, and Tommy’s heart beats loudly against his ribcage.
He’s just watching this gorgeous man, who he’s fallen for so fast and hard, and he can’t keep those feelings inside anymore, it feels like they keep bubbling closer and closer to the surface, burning hot and bright, and he might just explode from holding them in. He knows it’s too early to say it to his face yet, and he’s glad Evan’s asleep, because he can’t control it when the words just effortlessly slip out of his lips.
“I’m so in love with you, Evan,” he whispers, surprising even himself. He’s starting to panic a little bit, and he holds his breath for a few seconds, listening for any changes in Evan’s calm breathing, any twitch in his eyelids, a squeeze of his fingers on Tommy’s wrist, anything that would indicate he woke up and heard it. But he’s still happily snoring and blissfully unaware that Tommy just said the words he hadn’t said to anyone in years – so long ago they feel weird and unfamiliar in his mouth. It’s scary, the enormity of those feelings.
This thing with Evan, their relationship still feels so fresh and new, and at times Tommy doesn’t believe he gets to have this, keep it. Sometimes he feels like he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Evan to realize he doesn’t actually want Tommy, that Tommy was just a good trial run, good first boyfriend, just a helping hand in his queer awakening. Not someone’s forever, as much as he wants to be.
He’s trying to not let those fears win, though. Evan is the most genuine, earnest person he knows, and he’s clearly in it as much as Tommy. Well, he’s not sure if they’re quite on the same page just yet, because Tommy is so deeply in love already he could drop to one knee and propose any second. And that’s scaring him a bit. He thinks it’s gonna be a while before Evan catches up to him – if that ever happens.
Sometimes he wants to kick himself for letting himself get this involved this early, for letting himself fall for this amazing man. He’s trying to work on believing he deserves good things, though, and Evan might be the best that’s ever happened to him. He really doesn’t want to ruin it or rush anything, scare Evan away. That’s why he decides to hold off on telling Evan those three words again for now. He might feel it – god, he feels it so much – but it’s too soon.
He can’t let himself slip up like this again.
The issue is, now that he’s said it out loud once, it’s way too easy for the words to come out again.
It’s just a few days later, a late evening, they’re watching a movie on Tommy’s couch. Evan is draped over Tommy, his phone still in his hand, almost falling out of his grip, as he dozes off, drooling onto Tommy’s chest. Before nodding off, he’s just been researching something prompted by the movie, which then spiraled into about twenty different topics, and Tommy happily listened to all his findings, the movie all but forgotten. He loves listening to Evan just ramble on and on. He could sit here and just look at him and listen to him for the rest of his life.
He always gets this sparkle in his gorgeous blue eyes, gesticulates widely, and if he gets particularly interested and passionate about something, he speaks a little louder and faster than normal. It’s absolutely adorable.
Tommy gently pries the phone from Evan’s hand and reaches out to put it on the coffee table. His movement startles his boyfriend, who whines in his sleep and clutches more tightly around Tommy, hands twisting in Tommy’s t-shirt. He can’t contain a small chuckle rumbling through his chest. Evan is really the cutest.
Tommy wraps his arms around him again, presses a soft kiss to the top of his head, and sighs contentedly.
“I love you so much, sweetheart,” he whispers into Evan’s hair, and freezes. Damn it. He did not intend to say it again, not now, not like this. He really hopes Evan is still asleep.
He waits, completely still, his heartbeat speeding up in a panic. No more movements from Evan, though, and Tommy knows he hasn’t woken up. Evan is the worst liar, and that includes pretending to be asleep, he frankly just sucks at it, so Tommy’s pretty confident he’s actually sleeping. He also wouldn’t be able to handle it if Evan heard it and chose not to say anything back. It’s one of the reasons he doesn’t want Evan to hear it. It’s dumb, and cowardly, and insecure, but Tommy’s just so scared he won’t get the answer his heart longs for. He needs to keep those feelings to himself for now, and show Evan how much he cares for him. Tommy’s always been better at showing how he feels than saying it, anyway.
He counts the seconds in his head, until he gets to three minutes, and he’s certain Evan has not woken up. He releases a relieved sigh. It’s not the time yet. Soon, maybe, but not yet.
He waits a couple more minutes, until the credits of the movie end, before gently shaking his boyfriend’s arm. And then a little harder when he doesn’t even flinch. That gets him another whine in response, and Evan burying his head in Tommy’s chest.
“Hey, let’s get you to bed, honey,” Tommy says softly and hears some incoherent, muffled grumbling. “We’re not sleeping on the couch, come on,” he chuckles, already feeling the familiar ache in his back from lying here in one position for so long.
“I’m good here.” Evan just mumbles into Tommy’s pecs, and Tommy laughs again.
“Glad you’re comfortable, but my back is not. And you’re not gonna be either if we stay here the whole night. You can sleep on me in bed, Evan, I promise,” he adds, running his fingers through Evan’s hair.
He gets more unintelligible complaining from Evan, but eventually he does start to sit up. Then he sighs heavily and dramatically and pouts, eyes still closed.
“I’m too tired. You’ll need to carry me.” He slumps back against the couch as Tommy stands up.
“You’re adorable.” Tommy says, resisting the urge to say those three little words again with every fiber of his being. Evan can be so silly and goofy and ridiculous sometimes. Tommy loves every single piece of him. He grabs Evan’s hand and pulls him up easily – and then he quickly sweeps him up in a fireman’s carry over his shoulder, making Evan release a surprised yelp.
“Tommy!”
“What? You wanted me to carry you,” he teases, playfully slaps at his boyfriend’s ass, and starts walking towards the bedroom, careful not to bump his man into walls or furniture. Evan’s laughter accompanies them the whole short walk.
When Tommy – carefully and gently – throws him down on the mattress, Evan doesn’t look even remotely sleepy anymore. He’s looking up at Tommy with such awe and lust, like every time Tommy displays his strength, and then tugs at Tommy’s belt to bring him closer. Tommy joins him on the bed, hovering over him.
“Thought you were too tired?” Tommy whispers, raising his eyebrow, his breath ghosting over Evan’s lips.
“You know how to wake me up. Now shut up and kiss me.” Evan responds, their lips brushing now.
“As you wish,” Tommy grins into the kiss as Evan grabs onto him, his legs wrapping around Tommy’s hips, bringing him as close as possible.
The whole time Tommy’s heart is beating in the steady rhythm of ‘I love you, I love you, I love you.’ He kisses Evan harder, deeper, to prevent those words from slipping out again.
One late evening, when he’s at work while Evan’s home, he has some downtime and they talk on the phone, as usual. Evan’s telling him about his own shift and his day, rambling excitedly and going on countless tangents, and Tommy’s listening intently. He loves listening to him talk, about anything and everything. And those moments, catching up on their days, even if it’s on the phone if they miss each other because of their schedules? This is one of Tommy’s favorite parts of the day. He could do it forever. He wants to know every single thought in Evan’s pretty head, and Evan is always excited to share it.
And he always wants to know about Tommy’s day, as well, and maybe it shouldn’t be surprising, but it is. It just reminds him he has someone now, someone who cares. Because Evan cares so much, about everything. He genuinely wants to know how Tommy’s day was, whether he managed to stop by his favorite coffee place on his way to work, how his shift is going, how he’s feeling, whether he slept well – hell, even what he had for breakfast. And he worries, Tommy can tell, when he tells him to be safe, when Tommy comes back from a call to a text message asking to let Evan know when he’s back at the station, when he fusses over the smallest injury – while being so understanding, too, because he knows the job. He cares about Tommy, just as much as Tommy cares about him, and it’s a really terrific feeling.
He has someone who cares whether he comes home at all. That- that hasn’t happened before, not like this. He has someone to go back to, to think about when he’s throwing himself into danger at work. And that feels pretty damn great. His heart is so full, the feelings growing more and more with each second.
As they talk now, Evan’s speech becomes slower and more slurred, and finally the line goes quiet. Tommy stays on the line for a little bit longer, listening to his even breathing. And then he hears a loud, ugly snore, and he stifles a laugh. He’s not even surprised by the thought that he wants to listen to this sound for the rest of his life.
“I love you, Evan, sleep well.” The words are as easy as usual, now so familiar in his mouth and he almost regrets that Evan doesn’t hear it. It’s all getting wasted on empty rooms and quiet nights.
As freeing as saying it is, it’s also making him a little anxious. If he accidentally says it to Evan while he’s awake and listening to him, one of two things might happen. Either Evan will say it back and they’ll kiss and Tommy might cry, and they’ll be together forever. Or Evan will say he doesn’t feel the same and they’ll break up. Well, maybe Tommy’s spiraling a little bit. He feels like he’s being a little over dramatic about this, but, well, to him it’s a huge deal. He doesn’t want to mess anything up – their relationship, which has been going so amazing so far, their easy flirty banter and earnest conversations – or the moment itself. He wants the moment he tells Evan he loves him, when he can actually hear it, to be special.
He still needs some time, he’s still scared, but maybe soon. Hopefully.
It becomes somewhat of a habit. When Evan falls asleep first, when Tommy wakes up first, when he knows Evan won’t hear him – he lets those feelings out. It’s like he can’t keep them contained, always on the tip of his tongue, ready to spill out. They’re just so big and strong and untamable, unlike anything Tommy’s ever felt for anyone. It’s a small release, have them get out there, into quiet nights, still unheard, but at least voiced.
It’s an evening like any other, they’re both in bed, Tommy’s bedside lamp still on as he’s reading a book, while Evan is already fast asleep next to him. Tommy’s fingers are lightly playing with his curls, and he glances at his gorgeous boyfriend so much he can’t barely focus on his book.
Evan looks so breathtaking, peaceful, adorable as always. He’s wearing one of Tommy’s old t-shirts, one of his arms is thrown across Tommy’s stomach, his face all but pressed into Tommy’s shoulder. He’s fully on Tommy’s side of the bed, his own left cold and empty, always gravitating as close to Tommy as possible, and Tommy just smiles fondly. He’s so cute.
Evan’s hand moves up Tommy’s chest, resting on his steadily beating heart, and Tommy thinks his heart wants to jump out of his chest right into this hand – right where it belongs. He doesn’t think he ever loved anyone this much. He wants to spend the rest of his life falling asleep next to him, seeing him like this every night, the way no one else does.
He puts his book away and turns off the light before sliding further down on his pillow to fully lie down and face his man. Then he leans over to press a soft kiss to Evan’s forehead, fingers tangling in his curls again.
“Evan Buckley,” he whispers against his skin, “I’ll love you till the day I die.” The words easily slip out of his lips, and he smiles around them. He feels so confident in that statement, his feelings for Evan so huge and unwavering, still constantly growing. He’s sure he’ll keep falling more and more in love with Evan every single day for as long as he lives.
He slowly pulls away, brushing some stray curls off of Evan’s forehead, and when he looks at Evan’s face again, he freezes, panic rising in his chest. Because Evan's blue eyes are wide open and looking at him. Shit, this is not how this was supposed to go.
“Uh, hey, I thought you’re sleeping.” Tommy says nervously, his heartbeat speeding up. This is the moment he’s been dreading, and he’s scared of what Evan’s response will be, if any will come at all. And maybe he doesn’t feel the same way, and Tommy’s just way too involved, and he’s so dumb to let himself be this vulnerable, he never should’ve-
“Tommy,” Evan says, raising his hand to cup Tommy’s cheek. A dazed, happy smile is spreading across his face, his eyes getting shiny and teary. “Stop freaking out. You mean that?”
“Of course I do.” Tommy sighs, Evan’s smile calming his nerves a little bit. He’s not freaking out, he doesn’t look like he’s about to let Tommy down easily. He looks happy, in awe, hopeful. So maybe it is the right time to say it, after all. “I love you, Evan,” he repeats, voice shaking.
“I love you, too.” Evan says without missing a beat. A giddy laugh bubbles out of him as he wraps his arms around Tommy’s neck and brings him closer. “I love you so much, Tommy. I love you,” he repeats, leaning in to capture Tommy’s lips in his. “God, I’ve been dying to say it for so long, I just didn’t want to rush it.”
“Really?” Tommy laughs, it feels like a huge weight was lifted from his chest. He feels so carefree and light, and suddenly he has no idea why he was so scared to say it. Well, he knows why, but it seems so silly now. “Me too. I actually-” he ducks his head bashfully, “I did say it to you a couple of times. When you were asleep. Couldn’t help myself. I just wasn’t sure if we were there yet,” he admits quietly, “if you were there yet.”
“Tommy,” Buck’s face melts into something so fond and soft and loving it’s almost overwhelming. “I’ve been there for months. I’ve been falling for you for as long as we’ve known each other. I love you,” his smile widens. “Say it again?” He asks, eyes shining even in the dark, the moonlight illuminating the room just enough to see each other. Somehow, Tommy knows it’s not just those words he wants to hear, it’s the way Tommy said it, it’s the promise in them. So he looks Evan straight in the eyes.
“Evan Buckley,” he brushes a curl off his forehead. “I’ll love you till the day I die,” he repeats, with purpose, firmly and decisively. Evan beams at him, then turns his head to press a kiss to Tommy’s palm. “It’s a line from a movie,” he admits then, scrunching his nose, and Evan laughs brightly, “but it doesn’t make it any less true.”
“What movie?” Evan asks and Tommy blinks at him.
“You seriously don’t recognize it?”
“Should I?” Evan frowns.
“It’s a classic and one of my favorites. It’s a Wonderful Life? You haven’t seen it?” He asks incredulously and Evan shakes his head. “Wow, we’ve been together for so long and I had no idea. We need to fix that.”
“Okay. Movie night this weekend, then,” he grins.
“It’s a date.” Tommy leans in for another soft kiss.
They kiss lazily, slowly, tenderly, for a while longer, heads on Tommy’s pillow, Evan wrapped around him and holding him tightly. They smile into the kisses, both so happy and elated. Tommy feels so relieved, too, that he could finally say it, that it was reciprocated, that he managed to be vulnerable and express his feelings – even if he didn’t intend to do it just then. He took a risk saying this to Evan, even while he was asleep, but it was worth it. Evan will always be worth it.
They make out slowly, sloppily, until Evan starts yawning into his lips, sleep trying to take him again, despite his protests. Tommy chuckles, promises Evan they’ll continue this in the morning, and they settle in for the night, Evan curling up against him again.
Tommy listens to his boyfriend’s breathing evening out, and his eyelids start getting heavy, too. He takes a few moments to really take it all in, though. He told his boyfriend he loves him, and it wasn’t as scary as he thought. Over the course of his life, he learned to always expect the worst, but with Evan, that couldn’t be more wrong. He needs to trust that he can have good things, that he can have this and not lose this, not lose Evan. He thinks he’s really starting to believe this.
“I’ll give you the moon, Evan.” Tommy whispers, arms full of his man, the moon shining brightly through the window, making Evan look angelic in its silver glow, and making this moment feel even more monumental. He’d do anything for Evan, give him everything he asks for. He wants to spend the rest of his life making him happy. “Just say a word and I’ll throw a lasso around and pull it down for you.” He laughs quietly, very much doing Geroge Bailey’s voice, feeling a little silly and a lot giddy, and ridiculously happy.
“Is this another It’s a Wonderful Life reference?” Evan’s slurred, muffled voice reaches his ears, from where his face is pressed into Tommy’s t-shirt as he’s falling back asleep.
“Yeah,” Tommy chuckles. “Sorry, I just find it very romantic. And it’s- it really encapsulates how much I love you.”
“Mm, don’t be sorry. It’s so cute. You’re cute. You’re mine and you’re so cute.” Evan mumbles, sounding half asleep already. “I love you.”
“I love you, Evan. Goodnight.” He smiles, letting his eyes close. He sighs contentedly, his hand finding the one Evan has splayed on Tommy’s chest and intertwining their fingers.
He’s said it countless times by now, and now that Evan has heard it, it finally feels like the release of the breath he’s been holding for weeks. Maybe months. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of saying it. He’ll repeat it every single day, reassure Evan about his feelings, while also doing everything he can to back his words up with actions, with still showing Evan how much he means to him.
The first time Evan hears it explicitly stated that Tommy loves him, something in Tommy settles, those feelings simmer quietly around his heart, while still burning just as brightly. Tommy’s more than sure that they’ll just keep growing for the rest of his life, as he’s falling deeper and harder than he ever thought possible with this remarkable man, who’s currently holding onto Tommy like he can’t imagine being even an inch apart, their hearts always longing to be as close as possible.
Evan is his world, his home, his heart, his future, his forever. And somehow, as he’s holding Evan in his arms, the enormity of those feelings isn’t that scary anymore. It’s exciting. Tommy can’t wait to create a whole incredible, wonderful life together.
