[ reposted from some other conversation i was having ]
Ah, I am arthropod (bug) otherhearted. Almost violently so. They take up such a deep part of my life, it's hard to articulate.
I have had repeated dreams featuring massive bugs, and they are very common. Some nightmares, some really really good. All inhabiting a strange place in my mind. I have also had repeated dreams about being brought in and introduced to ant religion by the ants. Most of these dreams, I end up dying.
I have always had to deal with minor infestations. Anyone living in an old house or apartment complex will. I've dealt with ants, roaches (multiple times), silver fish, spiders, and other creatures. I was perhaps 4-6 when my mother started using me to help track down all the crickets in the house. Either she didn't want to do it, or she was right in that I had a unique ability to track them down.
When I was young, I had a particularly hard time dealing with infestations because I couldn't handle the amount of death that had to happen. It still upsets me now, but I understand the necessity to protect public health.
In high school there was a minor (but noticeable) uptick in wolf spiders in the house. They were harmless and went away with time, but they did get in the way. I remember waking up one morning and discovering that one had died in my mouth. I was reasonably upset and disgusted, but it also was incredibly alienating. I tend to pride myself on being a protector of all arthropods, and knowing that one had died within me was.... hard. I can't help but think that the poor thing was seeing somewhere warm and safe to hide, only to get completely crushed.
During that time, I was regularly called out of (and excused) from class to deal with bugs in other classrooms. In college, I would run across campus at night and early in the morning to rescue my friends from them. It was just known that I was the one you should call when there was a bug. I would always handle it.
At some point last fall I was out drinking with my friends. On the walk home, I ended up sitting on the sidewalk and holding a large millipede, crying, because she would never understand how much I loved and wanted to protect her.
Not long ago, I opened a chocolate and a maggot fell out. My roommates were all upset, but I felt incredibly maternal towards it. We had to throw out all the chocolate, but I did my best to be gentle as I walked them out to the dumpster. I like to imagine they grew big and fat and went on to live good fly lives at whatever trash pile they ended up at.
All throughout college, I would go on "bug walks" where I would wander campus between the hours of 10pm - 1am and just... collect bugs. I have images of myself with them all over me. It was the best feeling in the world. Often my friends and I would go on normal walks and I would make them stop while I hunted down a bug. They called this my "bug sense." They could never figure out how I immediately spotted them and thought my nearly compulsive need to find them was amusing.
Despite all of this, I have been stung by a bee once, sweat bees a few times, and by a wasp once. I have never been bitten by a spider, and by ants only a few times. In all of these instances, they were justified.
I have many issues with gender and presentation. When I had a breakdown over needing to wear I dress, I remember crying into my girlfriends arms about how "I need them to just let me be an ant". While some may have an inclination to suggest I might actually be some sort of bug therian, I am not. I just seek their comfort whenever I am stressed. The image of them as my equal puts a feeling into me almost like... the satisfaction after a cry, that comfortable fullness after a meal. Laying in bed with a good blanket, cool pillow, and a fan on. An overwhelming sense of joy and purpose fills me when I see them, when I know they are around.
I could go on. I have so many stories from so many points in my life. They are so integral to me. You can not have me without arthropods, no version of me exists where I am not deeply deeply enamored by them. I am not the most knowledgeable on them. I can't tell you facts or immediately ID them. But I just know that I need them around me, always, or else I am just a shell of a person
