Post 3: Heat
You know, sometimes I don’t know how to start these posts so I’m just going to go in with no idea of order.
Well here we are, in what seems to be a good stage. It is a good stage actually. I’m surprised that we’re no longer fighting but now I’m in a different state of mind. Not exactly of one who thinks of a relationship per-say, but more the idea of freedom and how to get what I need. But because I’m in a relationship, there’s no real set thought pattern because within myself, I don’t think it is okay to do certain things while in a relationship. Emotions are fragile. Emotions are illogical. I may not be as attached as I used to be in this relationship but that makes her comfortable. Is that okay? I’m really sure sometimes that this girl doesn’t know what she wants but i like to give her the benefit of the doubt that she does. Pushover right? I’m starting to develop deep hatred for people like how I used to be in my teenage years but decided not to keep that kind of thought. I do take a lot to please emotionally but once you know how it’s not very hard to do. She wants to be alone right? Doesn’t that mean I should let her be alone and single and free, kind of like how I’m thinking now? Really has me thinking if it’s worth the trouble or not if she’s so happy with hardly any communication between us. She’s always so happy with something other than me. I really do miss her smiles when I was holding her or give me those love-filled eyes... But I can’t think like this... I can’t... Maintain composure... I can’t believe I’m this emotionally invested in her.
I’m becoming harder emotionally, this is what I wanted to avoid but yet here I am, becoming more uncaring, arrogant and disregarding. I remember how powerful my rage is. I remember why I should keep it locked away, but it feels pretty good embrace the anger now. I don’t think anyone truly deserves my kindness like how I had always given. The harder you try the more people push you away when you’re kind. Why not be harsh? Why not be dismissive?
In some sense, I hope she doesn’t take too long to give me what I need before I stop caring, but at the same time... I’m starting to feel like myself. My full self. Next time I wont twist bend and turn myself so much for others to be so comfortable enough to hurt me. I’m still holding back on you so you don’t get burnt from my rage. Shame on me... But shame on you.