I can say safely that for a few weeks now, or even months, this is the most up and downs I've been through for one person. For sure, I can see how I was unable to think clearly on most circumstances but at the same time I wanted to make a firm choice because, you know, I’m a person who likes getting problems solved, not only that but for us too. I wanted us.
After being dissatisfied with how she’s been treating me, I was more along the lines of being relentless to figure out, find out and solve the situation to make it so that I could have her treating me the same again. How I went about it? I think I was wrong. And yes, I don’t like to admit this. But I was wrong. For someone who has been through similar things as me I can understand your perspective and you can mine, but because of what is in your mind it is very hard to focus on anyone but yourself. And to add to the agony, there’s no one who has actually put you before them like I have. For sure, there is no doubt that you are confused and hurt. And there’s no shame in that. My heart has been though the most ache I have ever felt in my life. I have vomited, cried in ridiculous proportions and fallen down like my life depended on her to give me her love. But, I also think that I was not in the best frame of mind to speak to her, even though I was constantly badgering her about the unfair days.
There was a point where I could tell her safely, that I am not very happy with how the relationship is going, not necessarily because we can’t work together but because of the personal issues that associate with her and her mental psyche. I tried and still try to be the best guy by putting her view into perspective and as much as I don’t like to jump to conclusions I started thinking of her as a bad person because she always put herself before anyone, even me. There was no convincing her fully that there was a right or wrong decision. Her mind was different from where it should have been in the relationship. And I should have understood why she was afraid to and now doesn't want to be locked down by the idea of settling.
In the past few months I have not been the best role-model to you and I also apologize for that, certainly I’m immature in some ways as well but, like you, I accepted most of your flaws, like you accept mine. No girl ever wants to live in discomfort and because of how I've been acting, I made you uncomfortable. No wonder, you wanted to detach. No wonder, you didn't feel safe. Your past has, no doubt, taught you that you shouldn't risk yourself if the possibility of you being hurt or in turmoil is there. Even yet, you watched me and I watched you go through turmoil and tolerated me while I tried different approaches to try and make you feel comfortable but I was a failure to my own decisions.
I did try to be the best guy and I hope you can forgive me for that. And our countless and pointless rebuttals have made me even more determined and curious as to why I should ever let you go as you say. I have tried to ridiculous extents to do what I think is right but when it comes to our love, I should know that there is no guarantee that the decision I make or when i talk about it, it might makes things right. I should have known that when you say to me about your daughter that “She will be able to defend herself”, that it was out of your own hurt why you say it and not necessarily because you don’t care. You do care. I feel it. And though I've broken up with you for 8 days and a few hours. I still find myself to overlooking the bad things that has happened recently because something in me keeps saying that you’re not as bad as I think you are. And honestly you aren't. What you are is broken, and I tried a bit too hard to help you fix yourself I pushed you to fix yourself too hard . I was patient, but not patient enough. And because I know you haven’t thrown me away fully despite how I've been treating you with scolding and so on. I know you still love me. Maybe not as deep, maybe not on the same level as before but I hope you can fully forgive me for everything and we can start a new page. You said it yourself that you would not be taking the things I've taken from you and you don’t know why I’m still here talking and thinking on this. You even allow me to vent to you; for all of this, this is why I love you. The appreciation that I had for you and that was questioned by how you were acting, maybe because you’re a bit childish or selfish. It’s not the same like that anymore. I have a new appreciation for you. And it makes me love you even more, though I have chosen to you let you walk your path even though it may not include me. There’s no guarantee that I will be here waiting for you but I love you for sure. And this one won’t fade.
I want to tell you I am sorry, but you've been through enough with me. You’re tired of hearing me now, from all this venting and complaining I did to you. And if somehow, you manage to find what I’m typing right now, you know in my heart that I still love you deeply. My chest burns like it has the past few days but not as intense. Now there’s a small positive ring to it, knowing that I’m letting you go for your own good. I've been selfish for what I had in mind as our goal and not exactly on how you feel right now. Your feelings were not overlooked but misinterpreted. And confession...
I've never loved someone like I have you, regardless of how good others were and how compared you feel to them, it’s just about you and how we can move forward and I've learned lessons from them so you’ll be informed or compared with. Our relationship is for sure the best one I've had until you started to get confused. But yet, I don’t blame you. There is no person that you can say to me that you are not beautiful. I love you in a way what seems to be endless and I hope you feel the same way and if you ever see me again, slap me across the face the hardest you can for being so stupid silly.
