there’s a weird feeling that i can’t really describe and don’t often hear talked about when it comes to being white-coded, which is that we can sometimes get used as a ‘barrier’ of sorts? or, maybe it was just a thing in my family...
my mom used to pretty often say that were she with the rest of our family, she got called slurs and was noticeably non-white, but when she was with me when i was younger, people assumed she was white because i had pale skin and (then) platinum blond hair
i love her, don’t get me wrong, but she definitely prefers to think of me as ‘white’, even though i’m... mixed. i’m mixed. i’m paler, yes, but i’m mixed. and a part of this is that when i’m around her, she can pass for white. and when i’m not, people know she’s not. and it’s a really weird feeling, sure, but it’s also very strange to have grown up knowing that when you’re not around someone, they get called slurs and are in more danger than if you’re near them, simply because you pass when they normally don’t, and that Makes Them Pass as white.
i’m not sure how to put that emotion into words though.
to be clear, most white-coded people i know knew i wasn’t white before i ever told them. they all knew, even though i’m pale. but white people... really often don’t. sure, they know i’m “off” enough to follow me around a store, but not enough to specify why. they always are shocked, and it used to be like a fun game to ‘surprise them’ with the news, but... honestly it’s grown old.
i’m not really sure where i’m going with this, i guess i’m mostly rambling and going on tangents... it’s kind of complicated to think about, between others Knowing I’m Not White, and my mother insisting i am because i helped her pass when i was very young. i don’t blame her for that. i just... it’s complicated when i know i’m mixed, and try to be proud of it, and get told by my own family that i’m ‘basically white’ because i’m pale... especially when my skin type admittedly matches the boriken side of my family, even if the lightness doesn’t.
