Earlier, I wandered over on Pluto to see where the CSI feed is at and lo(!) Butterflied came on. I turned that shit off. Some days I just can't.
Also only then noticed that it came on the heels of him nominating Nick for the promotion (and did it with a stupid smirk), while the whole lab thought Sara had gotten a better assessment because Grissom was biased towards her! I just can't with how much Grissom wanted to look neutral that he ended up shoving her off the freaking edge.
This is a little piece I knocked out after watching Early Rollout about a year ago. It's my headcanon about what Brass might have seen and thought after Butterflied.
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He had never seen Gil Grissom like this. Raw. Emotional. He knew he was trying to bait the doctor into confessing, but his words were so personal. It was Grissom himself who was doing the confessing.
So there was a girl who had managed to get under his skin, a girl he might be in love with. Now that was a contradiction: Gil Grissom in Love. At first he thought he was talking about Lady Heather. He knew there was a definite infatuation there, but his tone didn't seem right. It was too soft, full of introspective regret.
He left the interview room and watched the doctor and his lawyer leave. Grissom remained, head down, as if chained to the table. He went round the corner and saw a familiar figure on the observation deck. He watched Sara for a few moments. She looked stricken, as if her dog had died. He moved towards her, and he saw the tracks of tears on her face.
"I'm sorry, Sara. There wasn't enough evidence. We know he did it, but we can't prove it." He knew she could get emotional, bond a little too much with the victims. And this one could have been her twin. She didn't respond. It was as if she didn't hear him. She continued to stare in...at Grissom.
Suddenly, she looked at him. Yes. She was crying. "Let me buy you a cup of coffee."
"I can't." She looked in one last time at Grissom. "I'm sorry." And she turned and walked quickly away from him.
He watched her leave, walking a bit too quickly, as if in flight. He took her place on the observation deck. Grissom was still sitting there, as if wrapped in regret. Immobile.
"Huh."
He thought back. There had been rumors years ago. That Grissom had had a thing with her in San Francisco and brought her here. Was she his girlfriend? His ex-girl? The one he wanted to be his girlfriend?
As far as he knew, nothing had ever happened between them here. Could they have been lovers in San Francisco?
He replayed Grissom's words in his head. Someone young and beautiful. Someone we could care about. She offers a new life with her. Definitely not Lady Heather. His response to her, well, more visceral. Heather didn't need anyone to care for her. She might offer mind-blowing sex, but a new life? He couldn't imagine Heather setting up housekeeping with anyone. Sara, on the other hand. Sara needed someone to love her, to care about her, someone for her to love; she was someone with whom to share a life.
Brass went back into the interview room. "Come on, Gil. You need to go home to bed."
"I made a mistake, Jim."
"We can't catch them all. You know that."
Grissom looked at him, as if about to say something.
"Look, Gil, I know the case shook you. It shook all of us. That girl looked so much like Sara."
At the sound of her name, he saw Grissom visibly jerk in his chair, as if he'd been shot.
"But it wasn't her. You go home now. Things will look better after you sleep."
"I'm not sure things will ever be…"
But he didn't finish.
"Thanks, Jim."
His friend stood up and walked out of the room. He watched him go; he felt as if he'd been dropped into the middle of a heartbreaking love story. If his gut was right, it explained so much.
There had always been a sadness about Sara. Well, maybe not initially. She had been brash, confident, albeit socially awkward with her co-workers, but secure in her place with Grissom. His first hire. The girl from San Francisco. An intellectual. Like Grissom.
Those first few months were a blur, what with him being transferred back to PD, and Grissom taking over. He never blamed Gil. He had never played politics, angled for his job. He was just his unflappable, unemotional, nerdy self. But that girl seemed to have an effect on him. There were cases even that first year where Grissom went the extra mile. For Sara. And he almost lost his shit when she volunteered to be bait in the strip strangler case.
They always stood too close together. They never touched each other, but it was almost as if they were magnets, pulled towards each other unconsciously, as if there was a need to occupy the same space. Did Grissom choose his career over love? Sure sounded that way. And now Sara knew it too. Whatever he felt for her, he had decided his career was more important. And he knew he had made the wrong choice.
Well, if all of his suppositions were valid, he did have a front row seat to a tragic love story. And it would bear watching.
He was worried about Sara. He suspected she had started drinking, and he suspected it was to numb the pain of her discovery that Gil probably cared for her, maybe even loved her, but they could never be together.
He understood Gil's dilemma. From his perspective, he couldn't have a life with Sara and his career. Well, he could. He thought about his friend. As far as he knew, he had not been involved with any woman for as long as he had known him. There had been a brief flirtation with that anthropologist and whatever the fascination with Heather. But no relationships.
He knew Grissom wasn't like other men. Most men wouldn't care. If a young woman like Sara made it known she was available, most men wouldn't hesitate. But then most men, himself included, tended to bend their ethics and their morals in matters involving gratifying that thing between their legs.
He chortled. Grissom and sex didn't compute. But on some weird level Grissom in love with Sara did. They had a lot in common. And, he suspected, they had the same sad longing: for each other.
It must have happened in San Francisco. He thought back. There was a Forensics Academy Conference Grissom had lectured at a couple of years before everything changed. When Grissom came back, he was different somehow. He'd be talking one moment and miles away the next. He thought it was Grissom being Grissom. It never occurred to Brass that perhaps he'd met a girl, a girl that meant something, a girl he didn't forget the minute the next case started. Nor did he make the connection when he brought Sara in 2 years later.
When he heard about her DUI, it, sadly, did not surprise him. The girl was a mess. He considered having a talk with Grissom. How had he not seen Sara was in trouble, enough trouble to risk her career? Maybe even her life. When he heard she had to go to mandatory counseling, he breathed a sigh of relief. He hoped she would get some help.
After a time it seemed Sara was back on some semblance of solid footing, although she could still be a little too reckless for his taste. Was it possible the girl was so much in love with Grissom that she really thought she had nothing to live for? Of course, with her background, there had to be scars. He had looked into it, and it wasn't pretty. Yet in spite of all that, this girl had gone to Harvard on a full scholarship at 16! Yeah, on some level, she was the female equivalent of Grissom.
Well, they seemed to be comfortable together again. At least they seemed to be getting along again, but what the hell was Grissom's fascination with Sofia? Suddenly there were all these rumors that the two of them were having a "thing." Brass didn't buy it. Grissom was probably just studying her the way he tended to study anything or anyone new in his circle and now Ecklie had made a total asshole move to punish both of them.
Damn. Now what had Sara done? Insubordination? Both Catherine and Ecklie? What on earth was the girl thinking? She really was like Grissom, as impolitic as he was. Ecklie wanted her out, wanted Grissom to fire her.
"I don't know what he sees in her." Catherine was perplexed. Brass pointed out that Grissom often looked the other way when it came to his team. Including Catherine. She had no answer. "You know Gil doesn't like change. Ecklie already took you and Nick and Warrick away from him." "I hadn't looked at it like that." "Cut him some slack."
It was clear Grissom had refused to fire her, but he suspected it was for more personal reasons. When she came back, she seemed calmer somehow, more at peace. He watched them at crime scenes. They seemed to be back where they started, again standing too close to each other, smiling at one another when they thought no one was watching. After everything, it seemed, they were still in love.
Brass figured this would be the norm going forward. At some point, Sara would find someone new, and Gil would be left alone. As he'd said, he had his chances, and he blew them. She needed more than to know he cared for her; she needed him to love her. Unfortunately, for both of them, he suspected that would never happen.
“It's sad isn't it Doc? Guys like us. A couple of middle aged men who have allowed their work to consume their lives. The only time we ever touch other people is when we're wearing our latex gloves. We wake up one day and realize that for fifty years we haven't really lived at all. Then all of a sudden we get a second chance. Somebody young and beautiful shows up, somebody, we could care about. She offers us a new life with her, but we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her. I couldn't do it. But you did. You risked it all. And she showed you a wonderful life, didn't she? But then she took it away and gave it somebody else, and you were lost. So you took her life. You killed them both and now you have nothing.“
If you are a GSR shipper - as I am - you’ve made more than one study of this episode. This is pure GSR through and through - watching Grissom become completely obsessed with this case because he cannot stop seeing Sara in the victim is heartbreaking. For a man who is so closed off and so reserved, Grissom’s emotions are fully on display. Anyone would be able to figure out exactly what is going on. Catherine especially has to recognize this - she was there when he bought Sara the plant in Burden of Proof, so she’s at least aware of his feelings.
And watching Sara throughout this episode, you become increasingly aware that she knows it too - she knows his feelings are there. And you get the sense throughout that all she wants is to talk to him. To reassure him that she’s still there. The short phone call between them - his almost desperate need to push her away, but her need to tell him that she’s there. And her interaction with Catherine, “If you see Grissom, could you tell him?” - again, only serves to highlight her need to connect with him.
But then you have the speech - see above - which breaks my heart every single time I hear it. Gil is so exhausted - so emotionally wrecked that he can’t help himself. And you can hear it. You can hear how tired he is - you can hear his sense of loss. And of course, the reveal - such a perfect reveal. I often wonder if they ever talked about that moment once they got together. Because how Sara didn’t walk into that interview room and confront him, will always boggle my mind.
Butterflied is a mainstay of GSR canon and, I think, sets the stage for all that’s to come. The acting is unbelievable. The pacing is perfect. The crime is intensely inhumane.
Starting Friday, I embarked on a rewatch of Seasons 3 & 4. Not all of the episodes, mind you, but some odd moments struck me. The first was in Random Acts of Violence, which is unique in that neither Catherine nor Sara appear in it. This exchange between Warrick and Grissom had an air of familiarity:
Grissom: Well, if this is evidence, it needs to be tagged and catalogued.
Warrick: This is the same guy who shot Matt's daughter in the head. He's walking around laughing at us.
Grissom: Can you prove that?
Warrick: (yelling) What is this? I've been putting guys away like this for years. And now that it matters, it's like you're holding me back here.
Grissom: The job, Warrick, is to process evidence. Objectively, and without prejudice.
Warrick: I'm so tired of hearing that. I've heard it a million times. I can't be like you. I'm not a robot, okay?
This is yet another instance of someone Grissom cares about accusing him of having no feelings. (Cf. Sara's speech at the end of Too Tough to Die.) Grissom looks both shocked and hurt. At one time or another, most of his team comments on his lack of emotion, but, when it comes from Sara or Warrick, it seems to sting him.
In the episode after Crash and Burn, it seems to be common knowledge that Sara has ditched Hank, since Nick tries to set her up with his buddy. What we don't know is if they knew the particulars. Did Sara tell them? Or did she just say she broke up with him? The real burning question, however, is how and when Grissom found out. I suppose it's possible one of the guys, or even Catherine, said something in passing, assuming it would mean little to him. Another one of those GSR mysteries.
I had forgotten that A Night at the Movies did such a direct Strangers on a Train replay. It's particularly strange since Strangers is one of my fave Hitchcocks. Of course, what makes the film IMO is Robert Walker's chilling portrayal, which CSI cannot replicate, no matter the plot points. Still, I would have expected better. One of the themes that runs through both Hitchcock and CSI is how evil can appear in even the most seemingly innocuous situations--and people. The way this episode unfolded was quite blah. The best stuff was the Catherine/Grissom movie talk.
The last episode I got to was Butterflied. A bazillion things have been written about it, but the image that most struck me was the way Grissom was looking at Lurie while Brass was explaining the theory of the crime. It was pure unadulterated hate/contempt. It was particularly striking because Grissom is so good at masking his emotions--all of them--but not here.
