okay okay okay so hear me out but like i was sitting here. chatting with a friend. and i don’t really use spoons (as in spoon theory) because a) technically i only got my adhd and whatever else is goin’ on inside my head, and b) it’s just not really my thing. but the only words for how i was feeling were “out of spoons”, and this friend didn’t know what it meant, so i was explaining through it, looking up, giving examples, and then i was like. on a journey.
okay so like. i realized that if i used spoons, but basically just my energy in general, relates to my executive dysfunction, in the fact that the less energy (i’mma say spoons for this post) i have, the worse my executive dysfunction is, and the lower my stress tolerance is. but i also realized that the reason i do all my school so early in the morning, aside from not getting it done because of executive dysfunction, is because i use so many spoons on it. i use like, half of my daily energy on that stuff. so i’m sitting here realizing all this stuff, having like a blown-up mind, and then my brain’s like “this is the reason you try to get everything done before you enjoy something” (for example, i’m making this post when i want to be playing stardew valley). and i was like :ooooooo.
and my brain just kept goin’ like “because you don’t want to stress about what you’re doing, and there’s stuff that you HAVE to do so you can’t waste spoons on other stuff, so you do everything you need to do first so you don’t forget or get too distracted and miss something or stress about it, and then you’re either more stressed, out of spoons even to do the thing you enjoy (and you’ll most likely end up browsing tumblr), or very rarely actually happy with the result”. or, as i was just reminded, there are things i want to do, but before hand i feel like i’d much rather be doing something ‘easier’.
so basically what i’m saying is that my mind is blown because the rest of my mind has been dropping everything that isn’t absolutely necessary for literal years of my life and i haven’t noticed.
