"Bye, Toby."
I had to say goodbye to my cat of 15 years on Wednesday, August 21, 2024. It was 9 days before his 18th birthday/adoption day.
I tried my best to prepare for this moment ever since I had the growth in his mouth looked at on May 2, 2024.
This wasn't my normal vet–it was a vet that I rushed to because I thought it was an inflamed tartar gum issue–it turns out it was likely mouth cancer and to be prepared to say goodbye to my 17-year-old cat by the end of the month.
Leaving the vet's office was pretty rough knowing this stranger vet was completely willing to put down Toby that day. The thought of going to a vet's office with my cat and leaving without him was simply unacceptable. Especially with my girlfriend at work and thinking we were going to resolve this issue before our trip to Hawaii.
My heart sank at the news–which was especially troubling since I was SO excited to start my new job the day before this. I had to balance my happiness and sadness and stay strong for myself, Toby, and Chy.
I sobbed the first half of the way home. It was a surreal type of cry. It started as a normal sob from devastating news. Then they legitimately turned to happy tears knowing how fucking happy he's made me in these 15 years.
I was always proud of telling people about Toby’s age. He’s been my live-in partner for all the important chapters of my life.
Here is a not-so-brief summary of those chapters:
2009
I learned about Munchkin cats and was casually looking through Craigslist to see if there were any around me. I was still living at my parents’ house, but I couldn’t pass up an opportunity when I saw a free adoption of a Munchkin cat in the next city over. I didn’t tell my parents, knowing I didn’t want to give them an option to say no. Plus, I had just finished my undergrad–I wanted to have some new agency over my life.
I met Toby at this woman’s house. I think she bred munchkin cats and corgis. Everyone had short legs. Maybe even her. Hahah.
Mind you, I don’t think I’ve ever held a cat or pet one for more than 10 seconds. I’ve only interacted with friendly and not-so-friendly dogs.
She asked me if I had a carrier for him, and I said my friend planned to hold him on the way home.
She laughed and said, “Here’s a carrier. You can leave it on my porch when you're done with it.”
I wanted to know his name and if I would change it if I didn’t like it.
She told me his name was Toby, and I immediately approved. Maybe because I was such a huge fan of Toby’s character on The Office.
She told me one of his favorite things is hanging out on beds. She put him on the bed and clipped his nails.
I pet him as he was laying there and he bit me.
I was a bit shocked, and she just shrugged it off, “Oh–that’s a play bite.”
The reason why there wasn’t an adoption fee was that a raccoon attacked him, and he was having trouble recovering because the other pets in the house were picking on him. Which may have resulted in why he bit me in the first place. Haha
Taro was with me, and we took him to his parents’ house. His mom has always loved animals and would be excited to see his tiny little legs.
I took my first two photos of my new cat at Taro’s house.
I think I texted my other friends to meet my new cat at my parents’ house.
He came out of the cage and ran under the couch.
I kept repeating, “This is bad–real bad, Michael Jackson.” a-la that Kanye feature that was popular at the time knowing I was trying to keep my cat a secret.
I finally wrangled him and brought him to my bedroom. He immediately hid underneath my bed and stayed there.
I was pretty stressed and not used to a new cat’s understandable reclusive behavior.
I can’t find the original email, but I remember emailing the person I adopted him from that night and her assuring me it was all normal.
Later that night, I woke up to him on my chest, inches away from my face meowing at me. It's a memory I hold dearly in my heart.
We bonded instantly and quickly replicated each other’s personality–that is, wanting but also picky with our affection.
Hey Jessi,
Toby is doing well. His neck cuts are healing well. His back and ear cuts are healing nicely, as well. However, I noticed he's developed a bump on his nose that doesn't seem to be going away. Do you know anything about these? Also, do you have any recommendations for a vet? Possibly the one where you took Toby before. Thanks!
EJ
Toby was the one possession I had that made me feel like an adult after graduating from undergrad. I didn’t have a career plan after. I just had an English and Philosophy degree. Getting my teaching credential was monumental for me and I had to continue to live at home to support myself.
Toby gave my bedroom in my parents’ house the feeling of living in a 10’x10’ New York apartment. Sure, I was jealous of people that had their shit together more than me. I didn’t know that comparison was the theft of joy at the time, but if I did know that–no one, no pet, not a single thing could compare to the love Toby and I had for each other.
August 13, 2014
I accepted a job at Arcadia High School. I have never been to the San Gabriel Valley and never imagined myself living there.
Even though I was 40 miles away, I still felt very far from my friends and family. It was hard to say goodbye to my nieces, who were 4 and 2 at the time, knowing I wouldn’t be able to see them grow up daily.
Toby was my only constant. I was excited that he’d finally have a bigger living space he can call his own.
And own, he did. I barely remember him in that apartment because he was so independent and aloof. He’d only get affection when he wanted it. That was probably on the couch when I was watching TV or when I was in bed sleeping.
I was also aloof. Taking naps after work and keeping a night-owl lifestyle. During my first year at Arcadia, I was invited to be the Friday resident DJ at Mesa. I tried bringing Toby back home to Orange County every weekend but man, he sure hated it. He would meow loudly from the start of the car ride to the very end.
He was still eating grain-free kibble at the time and I was able to keep him satisfied until I came back on Sunday when I would be away.
I still remember the dirty looks he’d give me when I returned after being gone for 48 hours. He’s not like a dog that misses its owner and is ecstatic at the first sight of me. He's a sassy cat who would give me the stink eye and then come up to me for affection and pets.
I was super protective over him leaving the house. I was in the literal foothills and was scared of coyotes. I was also just scared of him running away and not coming back.
When I’d have to let my landlord in, I’d have to put him in the bathroom with food and a litter box. I’m sure he hated that but I made sure that the landlord let him out after he was done.
I still feel bad for those few hours he had to be stuck in a bathroom.
We had a pretty normal life at that Sierra Madre apartment. He had a few surgeries to remove benign tumors. One time, they forgot to remove the tight tourniquet on his paw and his paw quadruoupeld in size. I really regret not having a photo of that knowing it was as big as his head. Haha.
July 5, 2019
I moved to South Pasadena. Toby spent the first night in my new apartment without me knowing I’d be moving out my stuff at my old apartment, and there wasn’t any point in having him caged up that long.
When I say he’s owned every apartment I’ve rented–I mean it. These are his spaces, and it was my job to make him feel as comfortable as possible.
We were apartment hunting for a while. My criteria were: top floor, private patio or balcony, and a garage for my lowrider. We didn’t get the top floor; nevertheless, Toby had his first unsupervised time outside for the first time in ten years.
Oh man, he loved it. He loved basking in the sun, lying on the outdoor chaise, and hiding underneath it.
One of my favorite memories was him being protective over his house when a kitten made their way to our patio. I heard him hissing LOUDLY from my bedroom. I then heard a loud THUMP from him trying to break through the glass to attack the kitten.
When I finally came out to see what was going on, I saw Toby as aggressive as I’ve ever seen him. I tried to touch him to calm him down and he hissed at me. I’ve never been more offended by my cat. Haha.
We’ve had a wonderful life in this apartment. I had my rotation of house-sitters that also fell in love with my aging affectionate cat.
In May 2023, he started showing his age.
He would meow incessantly all night, and I couldn’t figure it out.
I thought it was senility. I thought it was just general restlessness.
Turns out he’s tired of dry kibble and wants wet food. A new thing for him.
---
Toby was one of the first icebreakers I had with my girlfriend. I sent her a picture of my apartment, and she replied, “Tell me more about that cat!”
Of course, I loved the opportunity to talk about my beloved Toby and loved showing her his tiny legs and the tattoo I have of him dressed up as Michael Jackson.
My girlfriend met Toby for the first time on July 28, 2023. Toby has always been moody, but he was definitely less standoffish by this time.
Chy officially moved in on January 13, 2024. This was the first time I had lived with someone other than my family. My only other roommate for the past 15 years was Toby.
Chy was an absolute dream to Toby. She would do this, where she would top his breakfast, lunch, and dinner with bonito flakes. He was definitely spoiled.
There was this underlying feeling of guilt, knowing I never spoiled Toby like Chy did. However, I quickly got over it, knowing that Chy spoils me as much as she spoils our cat. Since Toby fully adopted my personality at this point, I know he loved it and loved her back for it.
--
March - April 2024
Toby was entertaining us with his new senior behaviors. Chy was able to teach him how to click. He also had this habit of sticking out his tongue a la Dogpool.
He still had his favorite spots to sit; nevertheless, he was exploring the entire apartment for new spots. Some of the newer ones included the south-east dining chair, in between the TV and coffee table, and anywhere next to me.
I spend a lot of time on the computer. He would meow looking up at me. I would put him on a rolling cabinet or another chair. He’d like it–until he didn’t, so he would jump off and walk away. Haha.
May 2024
It all happened so fast. My normal house-sitters weren’t available and after his likely-cancer diagnosis, we definitely wanted someone to spend some one-on-one with Toby. Luckily, I was able to find someone that went above-and-beyond my expectations. My housesitter left the cameras on when he wasn’t in my apartment so we could still check up on him.
As much as we enjoyed our Hawaii vacation, we were really happy to be back home with Toby.
As much as we loved to travel, spoiling Toby as much as we can was our main priority.
My vet said that he may only have a month left where his quality of life is worth living. We took that to heart and carefully tracked his good days and bad days.
Toby was more affectionate than ever. Probably because he knows his days are numbered and didn’t want to be alone in his senior years.
June - August 2024
We spent all summer spending money on cat food, turkey and ham slices, bonito flakes, medicine, and pee pads to accommodate our aging boy.
His tumor was getting bigger, yet he was still affectionate as ever and seemed at peace with his new normal.
Chy and I knew we were looking for signs that he was ready to go, and we were never comfortable ending his suffering as long as he still looked happy and content to be spoiled by us.
The Hardest Week of my Life
Sunday, August 18, 2024
My sister has been trying to make her way up to Pasadena to visit Toby, knowing his days are numbered. My parents were originally supposed to come, but coordinating with them is close to impossible.
In all honesty, Chy and I haven’t had many guests over, knowing Toby’s condition was getting worse. He didn’t look the same and was having trouble using the litterbox. We constantly had to clean up for him and it was our normal–we were never quite ready to showcase our new normal to other people.
By this time, Toby was losing a lot of weight, and his hindlegs would give out. He could still walk, but it was slow and swayed. He was still visiting us in our room, but he didn’t have the strength to jump on the bed.
I’m not sure what day it was, but he was really vocal of wanting to be with us in bed. It’s a memory I’ll cherish forever. He was sandwiched between Chy and me and just embraced being loved. He was so at peace–until he wasn’t and wanted to be let down. Haha.
Monday, August 19, 2024
We continued to spoil Toby, encouraging him to stand up and walk around for exercise. It was really hard for him, but he was still affectionate and lively.
Tuesday, August 20, 2024
Things took a turn for the worse on the day Chy and I both had to be away from home. Chy’s favorite memories of coming home by herself is being greeted by Toby at the door with loud and needy meows.
He didn’t have that energy anymore. He was lethargic, in need of a bath because his lack of control over his body fluids. Chy gave him a bath and he…wasn’t looking good.
When I came home, I saw his old self loving our company yet struggling to be fully there. He wanted to be by us, and he loved it when we petted him and scratched his ear, but his energy definitely seemed different.
Our last night with him we stayed at the dining table with a fan on him while Chy and I played Song Quiz on Amazon Alexa.
Toby stayed there the entire night and Chy and I went to bed.
Chy would check on him, knowing she saw him in his worst state, and would report back, saying his face was worrisome. As if he were scared, he wouldn’t make it through the night.
Wednesday, August 21, 2024
We were counting the days to his Birthday/Adoption Day, August 30, 2024. He would’ve been around 18 at the time. We knew we wanted to give him yellowtail collar, one of his favorite foods he loved to share with us.
Though Chy and I didn’t talk about it directly, we both acknowledged we’re going to have to put him to sleep sooner rather than later, knowing he can’t go on living like this–especially with a busy schedule coming up.
Chy suggested I get the frozen Yellowtail Collar and I did. We’re celebrating his birthday–just a week early.
I had to run some errands away from home and came home to see Toby in the same state Chy saw him in the previous day.
It was tough. I wiped him as best I could and tried to get him to stand on his feet but he couldn’t.
I fed him milk and water and sat next to him while I looked up in-home euthanasia options. I asked /r/pasadena Reddit and my internet neighbors were really thoughtful and compassionate.
As I gathered quotes, Chy bathed Toby and said it was the worst she’s ever seen or felt him. He had no energy to fight his discomfort in the water.
While helping dry him, I felt how weak his hind legs have gotten in the past two days. There was no way he could hold himself up from this point on.
The earliest appointment was the following morning. I replied that we’re not sure he would make it then. He said he could be there in 40 minutes.
Chy said she can’t make that decision and it has to be on me.
It was on me.
I broke down the hardest I’ve broke down knowing that the day is finally here. Toby finally gave us signs he’s ready to go. The love and affection is still there. But his quality of life vanished in the span of 16 hours.
It was time.
We put him on the couch. He was laying on his favorite blanket that Chy’s sister gifted her. We were petting him as we counted the longest 40 minutes of our lives knowing that our lives will drastically change in the next hour.
The Doctor was very compassionate to our situation. I tried my best to be stoic and accepting asking questions that would help put me at ease.
He let us take all the time we needed to say our final goodbyes. Chy sat behind me as I watched Toby pass peacefully into the early night.
It was peaceful. Though I wish his eyes could close, it helped me realize that that blank stare, the one that he was giving us in the past 24 hours, was his sign to use that he was ready to go.
The memory that’s causing me to cry as I write this is reliving my actions while he was peacefully passing.
I kept saying, “Bye, Toby. Bye, Toby. Bye, Toby. Bye, Toby. Bye, Toby. Bye, Toby. Bye, Toby. Bye, Toby.” an uncountable number of times.
I couldn’t stop saying it. I wanted to feel the goodbye. But I was still so numb and upset. I was so shook that my life from there on out would be without him.
Every time I left my apartment, I would say, “Bye, Toby,” knowing I would be back in a few hours.
These two words. These three syllables. Were. So. Important. To. Me.
They were important to me because I knew I’d come home and see him again. This time, it was permanent.
Bye, Toby.
---
The grieving process is incredibly uncomfortable. Nevertheless, I’m learning about myself and how lucky I am to have Chy by side during all of this. I’ve always known how lucky I was to have Toby. I’m even luckier to have the lifetime of memories he’s given me.
After he passed, Chy and I scrubbed the apartment of his things knowing reminders of him would be hard. I even washed the sofa sheets knowing his drool, fur, and scent would be hard for us to take.
While these actions were inevitable, it made it just as hard knowing the apartment felt and now looked empty without him.
---
I’m still a Buddhist and try to live by stoic principles alongside it. It helps me be proactive rather than reactive. However, it’s hard not to fall into older patterns of escape and coping mechanisms.
I was processing the loss of my best friend of 15 years. I was able to stop sobbing somewhere along the way. And in those moments, I was able to update my friends and family about what happened. I reached out to everyone and thanked them for loving him as much as I loved him.
I was also sitting with Chy, knowing we could now travel and should do something with our Southwest Companion Pass. We also had plans to revisit her family in Utah at an unknown date.
In retrospect, I was trying my best to “be happy in the future” to escape the pain I was feeling in the now.
Chy went to bed and I went through photo albums so I can post on IG. Coincidentally, I posted 18 photos, the age Toby was when he passed.
I disabled comments knowing that I don’t really want to sift through people’s condolences. I simply wanted to remember my best friend through select photos and videos.
Thursday, August 22, 2024
Chy and I were still processing it, understandably. Chy felt an unreasonable sense of guilt, knowing that I’m mourning my cat even though she’d only known him a year. She felt that she should be stronger, but I reassured her that I loved that we were able to have a little family in my apartment on a hill.
She told me she was jealous I could share memories of Toby with my friends and family, but she didn’t have that. That feeling just made her feel even more alone after his passing.
That morning I broke down when I opened google Photos knowing that’s the final act of his passing. I’m backing up the photos I found to put on Instagram so I can free my phone of space.
That’s when I started reliving my “Bye, Toby,” rant and it just floored me all over again that he’s gone.
---
Present
I’m still sad. So fucking sad. But I’m definitely at peace knowing that, during those last 20 hours, my sweet and affectionate Toby was barely recognizable. It was time, and I’m thankful for the lifetime of memories he’s given me.
Chy, Buddhism, Stoicism, and my cherished memories of Toby make the grieving bearable.
I’ll never forget the love Chy gave my cat and I’ll never forget how lucky I am to have her as a life partner.
Buddhism reminds me that attachment is the root of all human suffering. I’m sad because I’m attached to my life with Toby before his passing.
Stoicism reminds me to accept the things I can’t control and be mindful of the things within my control. Nothing lasts, and I’m simply here for the ride.
I’ve given this advice to countless people, including friends, family, and former students. It’s another thing to put it into practice.
Though it hurts, I should be present in the moment and grateful for what I have. Memories are simply that–memories. My future happiness is contingent on the choices and decisions I make in the present.
I love you, Toby. You’re more than a memory. You’re permanently part of me.
