#c&ma

[bbarbers]

Breath him in and Breath yourself out.

-A.B. Simpson 

[cjt217-blog]

The Magic of Music

Music is one of the topics that I like to talk about most.  It's something that has been a large part of me for what feels like my entire life.  I don't listen to the radio much; I predominately listen to Christian music (anything that brings glory to the Father).  The face of contemporary Christian music has changed over the years, many times in fact.  It has changed in many ways and has offered followers of Christ different styles of worship and across different lands.  Either way you cut it, you can find a "sub-genre" of music that can easily worship Jesus Christ through song.  I mean through lyrics that don't mess around and by praising the Lord.

The reason I wanted to right today was two-fold.  First, to tell a story about how I began to listen, nearly exclusively, to music that brings glory to God.  Second, to talk about how God has been music in my life to fix a hole in my life.  

I am extremely grateful that I grew up in a home that had a huge emphasis on playing Christian songs, (for me, this meant lots of Amy Grant, Steven Curtis Chapman, Michael W. Smith, and more).  To me, those artists are the ground-breakers and frontrunners of what contemporary Christian music is today.  As I grew older and went off to college, I didn't have a very strong faith and I began to listen to anything and everything.  I still had staples of Christian music though: tobyMac, Switchfoot, Relient K, and Hawk Nelson.  I listened to a lot of what the guys on my floor listened to, because I felt like they would want to be my friends.  If you look at my iPod, I'll have a song from an artist someone suggested to me from that time.  In the summer of 2009, I went with a college friend to Alive Fest (just for one day).  I picked that day, because I wanted to see Switchfoot and TobyMac perform.  Little did I know that evening would alter the way I approached music for the rest of my life.  Between TobyMac and Switchfoot, David Crowder Band took the stage.  I knew this much about them: a) they existed. and b) we played a few of their songs at youth group.  I had no idea what their ministry was about and how they viewed the church and worshiping corporately.  My friend who went with me, M, assured me that DCB was going to be amazing and it'd be a concert that I would never forget.  Right before they started, I remember thinking, "there's no way these guys from Texas are going to top TobyMac."  From the first song to the end, the energy they brought to the crowd was insane.  To this day, I have never been to a more energized concert since then.  Seeing DCB perform made me realize that I should embrace more music that directly praised the Lord and there were a ton of other believers who thought the same thing.  Since then, I have been buying Christian music anytime I can.  Hint: local Christian stores will have $5 CD's very often, check frequently.  I've also been making strides to surround myself in an environment where I am playing or listening to Christian music as often as possible.  I think, in itself, it is a great tool to break the ice for people to ask you questions about your faith, (this is not my motive; I just want to be able to praise the Lord, my Father, as often as I can).

About a year and a half after Alive 09, I found myself presented with an opportunity to take part in the worship team at my home church.  I relished this chance and playing the drums caused all aspects of my life to flourish as a result of this new involvement.  I had some strange run-ins with a sound tech at my church who didn't seem to like anything that I was doing and I felt like he wanted me out.  On more than a few occasions, I felt myself submitting to his "authority" and finding myself dejected and on the outside of a ministry that I thought was inclusive.  Playing the drums on Sunday mornings gave me an amazing connection with God that I had been lacking for so long.  Every song means something to me and I played with passion.  Being on the platform was still like an escape for me; I felt like, for once, I was making a difference in the church.  This past spring, I noticed I was receiving less and less invitations to play on Sunday mornings.  At the time, it didn't bother me too much, because I was closing in on completing my Bachelor's degree and I knew that time wouldn't be on my side in April and May.  Apparently, the lack of involvement wasn't exactly a good thing and our worship pastor met with me during the week one day in April.  We got lunch and he basically told me that my 5% of struggles during worship on Sundays wouldn't be good enough anymore and that I could be given the opportunity to "try-out" again for Sunday worship.  To this day, I have only told my fiancée what this did to my spirit.  I felt like my heart was torn out and stabbed on the table that day.  In all my life, I had never felt so rejected before.  The worst part was that I didn't realize that I was getting thrown out at first.  Everything happened so quickly and it didn't make sense.  I was led to believe that there would be others who were going to be singled-out and the overall experience was going to improve for everyone.  After I graduated, I played on one more occasion: June 24, 2012.  I wasn't invited for this; I was a typical last-minute substitute for the drummer who wasn't available that week.  I think that I played one of my better mornings that day: no awkward transitions, controlled dynamics, and an overall proper Sunday display, (nothing over-the-top).  For some reason, I thought that I had proved myself and that the invitations to play would return; I was foolish enough to think that I was trying out that day.  

It still hurts sometimes, to think about it.  I thought this was the best way I could contribute to the church, but perhaps it was God showing me that I was needed in another capacity or that I wasn't as good as I imagined I was.  I returned from a short-term trip to the Dominican Republic in July and didn't receive another invite again.  At this juncture, I wrote to my pastor and told him that I know that it wasn't my playing ability that has kept me out of the rotation for playing.  I also informed him that I would not entertain any further invitations from him.  I cut myself out of his plans.  The best way I can explain it was that I quit, so I would avoid the embarrassment of being fired from playing.  Obviously, this was a moderately-pathetic attempt at maintaining pride.  I am ashamed at the motive, but the outcome has been what the Lord has set forth.  I justified this, because I had conditionally committed to helping with worship in a new Christ-centered recovery program at our church.  So far, this has been a great outlet for me to return to worshiping with fellow believers.  I don't think that I will ever be able to fully convey to people how much it hurts to go into the main service on Sundays.  Whenever I can, I go to the "alternative, traditional" service for fellowship and worship.  I feel so comfortable there.  I can not explain this feeling, in words, to you.  

For too long now, I have been feeling sorry for myself and how one power-driven sound man has ruined my joy.  I can't look at him without feeling like he took that out of my life.  I've let my worldly surroundings fill my head and sometimes I am too weak to stop the notions.  For my new chapter of school, I am now a commuter.  This is new to me and it means I embark on a 31-mile, round-trip, journey each day.  Earlier this month, I made a playlist of my favorite 18 songs that have been released in 2012.  Throughout my commuting this semester, I have probably listened to it 50 times through.  Just yesterday, while going to school and looking at the sun pierce the clouds, two songs absolutely broke me down.  Who would have known that the combination of Mercy Me and Britt Nicole was going to break me?  Both are songs off their latest albums and I'll explain how they're related in a second.  The combination of these songs reminds me of a passage I studied, while in the DR this summer.  We studied Mark 4:35-41 and I commented on this in an earlier post, but a different verse from this passage started to get in my head.  The NIV reads like this: 

He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

-Mark 4:40, NIV

The way that I've interpreted this goes something like this: "Have you forgotten what I have already done for you? Do you fear what lies ahead before I return?  A reminder for me of everything that God has already done for me and through me.  It just amazes me how two completely unrelated and random songs have reminded me that God has never left me and how he never will leave me.  They have given me an example of a small miracle.  There were 18 songs I picked for that CD and there are 360 different ways the songs could have been arranged and I just happened to put them in an order that provided a spark for me.  It's just a coincidence, right?  I completely disagree.  Divine intervention took place when I made myself that CD and it was just another example of how God is completely alive and how good he has been to me.  Anyways, the songs are "You Know Better" from MercyMe and "All This Time" from Britt Nicole. Please listen to them in this order:

Thanks for reading, share the story if you'd like.

In Christ,

-Caleb

[cjt217-blog]

Something I've Noticed Lately

As I've watched my church [building] around me change over the years, I've always felt that being traditional was the right way to go..that being old-fashioned was what was supposed to be proper in the congregation.  The biggest challenge I've faced is what has become different classifications within the congregation based on one's preferential style of worship.  I've never felt myself to be more comfortable knowing that my home church offers the different options on a Sunday morning.  In fact, it has stressed me out before, because then I have to choose between whether I sit with my family in one service or whether I go on my own to the other.  I know it shouldn't be like that and I am going to meet the Lord in his house, but really..who hasn't thought of things that way?

Should it really matter what I think? I mean really, I've only had one church home my entire life and I'm only 22.  My insights can't be that crucial can they?  I suppose this was my fear, of sorts.  I was afraid that I had the deceiver in my ear about my own church body.  

Although while reading Tullian Tchividjian's book "Unfashionable", I came across a section of the book called "Segregated Church."  Surely this couldn't be what I've been thinking, could it?  Here's an excerpt of what Pastor Tullian has to say:

"Many churches offer a traditional service for the tribe who prefer older music and a contemporary service for the tribe who prefer newer music.  I understand the good intentions behind these...efforts, but they evidence a fundamental failure to comprehend the heart of the gospel.  We're not only feeding toxic tribalism; we're also saying the gospel can't successfully bring these two different groups together.  It's a declaration of doubt about the unifying power of God's gospel."

I can see why no one has gotten upset about the changes.  It doesn't seem to separate the church; it's designed to make certain generations feel more comfortable going to their respective services.  Again, I've tried to make myself think about what's the worst thing that could happen.  I'm not hoping for the worst-case scenario, but I'm doing my best to be a realist here.  I think the worst thing that the church can do as a body is to fail its congregation.  I might be wrong in saying this, but what advantage do you really get from worshiping the Lord in a more comfortable setting?  Surely we need to be outside of our own comfort zones and challenging ourselves each day.  Why would this be different from when we're a member of God's church in a more formal setting?  

Later in the chapter, Tchividjian goes on to make the following remark:

"Just as bicycle spokes are linked by their common attachment to the hub, so Christians are linked by their common attachment to Christ.  In him, Christians of every tribe, tongue, and nation become brothers and sisters.  Though we're all distinct, all different, in Christ we're no longer divided.  We don't always act unified, but that doesn't change the fact that in Christ we are one."

So this leads me to ask the question: Is what we do on Sunday wrong?  Should we, as the church, do everything we do for the glory? Yes. Pray corporately? Yes. Live as the salt and light? Yes.  Why aren't we worshiping together each week?  Why are we making our own barriers within the body?  

Just my own thoughts.  I leave you with this song to sing to: Sanctus Real - We Need Each Other.

[cjt217-blog]

Dominican Republic - Day 8 (July 14)

     Last real day in Republica Dominicana and I must say that I am extremely sad to leave, but there is so much that I am going home to.  We finally the chance to sleep in for a change and it felt very nice.  After breakfast, we walked to the monument where I got to hang out with Luis on Monday.  We might have been there for an hour or so before we left for lunch.  Our walk took us through a university in Santiago with an absolutely beautiful campus.  We ate lunch a restaurant inside a Shell station.  It was quite nice, actually; not exactly what you would expect from a gas station.

     To get to the market district, we took taxis to expedite the process.  We spent a few hours and it was my first experience with haggling prices.  I found that to be very exciting and pretty sweet.  I found some super cool items there and I loved the experience.  We ate dinner with the two new teams (from Raleigh, NC and New Jersey) who will be working next week.  I think that it provides a new challenge for the Romano family, because they looked very young.

     Earlier in the day, I had the opportunity to be extremely moved by the power of God.  One team member has been saving money to impact the Dominican Republic since January and they were going to let the Lord show them how to use it while on the trip.  By mid-week, they received a vague message that the money should be used to send the Romano children to see their grandfather.  I am amazed how God brings things together, because Rick revealed that his father's health is declining.  On Saturday morning, Paul explained the challenge to send the Romanos home.  I can relate very strongly with this, because when I was 17 [same age as the eldest son in the Romano family], my dad's father died and it was a challenge for us to get the family to California.  I want to be involved, but I'm not sure what God has planned for me.  God will provide for the Romanos, because they have been faithful servants to the Kingdom.  I suppose that my graduation money can be put to good use for God's Kingdom!

P.S. I did not write on July 15, as we traveled all day

[cjt217-blog]

Dominican Republic - Day 6 (July 12)

     At the construction site, we were blessed with the arrival of metal for the roof today.  Unfortunately, only two-thirds of the metal arrived, but we made it our goal to get all of that metal installed before we left for the day.  My involvement was to help put the sheets of tin up to the men installing them on top of the church.  I also took a turn of putting finishing touches on the wall for the first time.  It is definitely more difficult than Pastor Martin makes it look!  Luckily, I was a quick study and I think that I did just fine.  

     I did spend most of my day helping with the sheets of metal on the roof though.  The other group of those who stayed at the construction site helped to begin the wiring of the church with Ray [from the Canadian group].  I was sad to learn that Pastor Martin is going to lose one of his jobs soon and that his family will now live on ~$200 a month.  It worries me, because I thought about how many teenagers in America make more than this in two weeks and are usually still unhappy.

     For dinner, it was my first experience at a Brazillian Steakhouse.  It was extremely different for me and very delicious.  I'm glad that Nehemias was able to come with us, he made the whole experience much more enjoyable.  On another note, it's amazing how cheap some things are in the Dominican Republic.  I bought 3 waters for 16 pesos at a pharmacy and Gatorades are usually 40-50 pesos.  It makes me think about how the economy of a nation has played on prices so much.  

[heismindful]

No regrets AT ALL!

I have needed to update all of you for so long now...but I haven't known where to begin. The longer I've waited the more overwhelmed I've gotten with all there is to tell. However, tonight is the night. I'm finally sitting down and organizing the events of the last four months or so and my thoughts on them.

I was going to Northern Ireland. I was fully committed and extremely excited to go learn how to use radio and media to serve the Lord and spread His message of grace and life beyond simply surviving day to day. I have had a problem with commitment in the past, so committing to Ireland for a whole year was an amazing feat for me. It took an entire year of prayer before I arrived at the decision to simply make the leap...for real finally!

My commitment issues probably stem from my childhood...where all good psychological problems begin, so I'm told...when my family was a very unstable one. Long story short, there was a lot of verbal abuse and my parents never stopped arguing...divorce was always a looming cloud and I often begged for it to just rain already. My Mom did the best she could to buffer us from her sadness and the darkness that filled our home. As far back as I can remember I suffered horrible panic attacks, some resulting in a trip to the hospital. I was checked for ulcers when I was around seven and I spent most of my teen years in my bed. Depression and anxiety were my constant companion for a very long time.

Missions have also been a longtime friend of mine. All those years of laying in bed left a lot of time for dreaming and praying about a future filled with hope.

When I moved to Boise to live with some friends in August of 2010, three of us began dreaming about doing missions work in Northern Ireland together. I committed right away! I finally had friends to take a huge adventure with and I was not about to pass up the opportunity.

However, it didn't take long before I was second guessing my decision and struggling with the idea of leaving my family for so long. I had an overwhelming sense that something was not right and I just couldn't continue as planned. Telling my friends was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I broke their hearts and mine shattered. There was a simultaneous sense of relief and overwhelming sadness.

Pretty soon we had all moved past it and were on track. Best friends.

But once again the runner in me was triggered.

I am a runner. I am well trained and have a PhD in Avoidance. I am capable of backtracking my way out of almost anything.

I couldn't find a job and I was barely staying afloat...I had already given up. The news that I had decided to move home was even harder to break than the previous news. After many tears and pleas to try harder to stay, I left.

I cried all the way home.

One of my best friends couldn't talk to me for roughly five months. To say the least, I felt very lonely and very lost.

I always dream of being the sort of person who lives in the moment, someone who doesn't need five categorized lists and a room where everything is in it's proper place...but I am not that person. I am both sides of the spectrum. I make an instant decision to commit to something and then after I commit...after I have said the affirmative "yes"...a very scary word for me...I run. I begin to think over every aspect of the decision I've made. I search and search until I find the excuse I need to be done with that dream.

When I finally received an email from my friend, who I consider a sister, I cried. It was like a piggy-backing elephant was finally kicked off my shoulders in an instant. The thing I had been praying about for months had finally happened and I couldn't have been any quicker in responding.

Soon enough I was making plans to visit.

The two weeks I spent with my friends in Boise, Oregon and Washington were bittersweet. I wanted to go back in time...but I couldn't.

It was late August of 2011 when I got home and began praying about the idea of recommitting to Ireland...but this time I would be all alone in fundraising. I kept praying for a clear word from God about His will for me...but I couldn't quite hear it just then.

I had been friends with Dondi Scumaci, an amazing Christian woman, author and speaker, on Facebook for about a year. We had never met in person nor had we ever exchanged emails. I just couldn't shake the idea that I should email her and ask for her wisdom on the situation. I did NOT expect the things that were about to unfold. Dondi emailed me back very quickly and suggested we talk on the phone. Ever since I was seven years old I've dreamt of being a published author and there I was preparing to talk to an amazing one on the phone...my goodness, I was so nervous!

I had no reason to be.

Dondi is an amazingly successful woman and she is also one of the kindest and most generous people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. She talked with me for over an hour about the mission trip, my concerns and everything in between. She helped me realize that sometimes God just lets us do really awesome things and that He loves it when we have the faith to simply step out of the boat and trust Him. By the end of our conversation Dondi offered to help me in so many ways that it was clear, not only that she is a true believer and disciple of Jesus, but also that God was giving me the nudge I needed to attempt water walking.

And that's where it all began...again.

I needed to find a church because I knew I couldn't do it without a family of people supporting and praying for me. At first I did not want to try the Alliance (for reasons that haven't mattered since I was 13 or 14) but my Mom and I finally decided to go. Right away I knew the Church was different. The people welcomed us and noticed that we were new.

There was also a huge focus on missionary work...I didn't yet know that the full name of the denomination was the Christian and Missionary Alliance. :P

Despite that information, I was still looking through the eyes of someone with a preconceived notion about how the Church would be and I wasn't sure I wanted to return...but we did...and I am SO extremely thankful that we did!! God has so richly blessed me in Church family. I have the best there is. I am very grateful that He doesn't care how stubborn I can be sometimes...He just pushes through it.

As you've read in previous posts, the fundraising was going amazing and I've never been happier in a Church. I was looking forward to Ireland with a focus that was concrete solid. I never even considered backing out.

Then in December, tragedy struck. My future DTS leader and friend, Nathan Asiimwe, went to be with Jesus. My friends and I were mourning the loss of Nathan and soon after the loss of the Media DTS we were going to attend. Understandably, Nathan's wife Annmarie, was not prepared to take it on all by herself.

In default mode I just figured that I would go to the DTS that was 30 miles away...still in Northern Ireland. It had no particular area of focus.

One night, I ran across a ministry that was all about knitting hats and blankets for new mothers in the Middle East as a way to show Christ's love to them. In an instant, my softening heart for Muslims came to mind and I decided, out of curiosity, to see if there was a YWAM base in the Middle East somewhere. My search led me to a DTS called the Marriage of the Arts in Herrnhut, Germany. It was like a dream come true...several all at once actually. They train up young missionaries to use art to reach people for the Kingdom and to specifically go into the 10/40 Window, the least evangelized region of the world.

I never knew that my love for God, writing, missions and the 10/40 Window could all be combined into one awesome 6 month experience! I began to question what was keeping me attached to Ireland. No matter what, aside from my friends and the country, absolutely nothing would be the same as I had originally set out pursuing so...

I decided to tell my friends about it after discovering that there was an art track that would interest each of us.

One of my friends decided to remain on her journey to Ireland because she feels a specific calling to do so. She may end up helping with the new beginning of the Media DTS we had all originally set out for. I know that God is going to work amazing things through her life.

My other friend decided she also felt a tug towards Germany. She is hoping to gain a ton of experience through the Handmade Art track in Germany for her calling of one day starting a creative healing ministry.

After speaking with my Pastor and taking time for prayer and consideration, I felt complete peace about applying to the Marriage of the Arts DTS.

It was hard waiting to hear whether I was accepted or not. My Church was waiting to see where I was going and I felt guilt over not being able to tell my supporters what I was doing. I wasn't sure how people would respond to the change in plans. Annmarie assured me that those who have supported her life in missions have always supported her more for God's call on her life rather than the specific location she is going. Sure enough, when I was finally able to update everyone, my Church continued to love and support me...which I really rather expected. They are wonderful.

All of you are wonderful.

This is all new to me. This entire experience and every emotion along the way. I have grown so much since finally getting out of the boat of my comfort zone. I've come along challenges and there have been times when I wasn't sure of where I was going or if I was on the right path. I have engaged in spiritual warfare...

I am still going.

The excitement I feel just bubbles over at times and I start dancing around and singing to the Lord. I must look crazy.

I don't care.

The things I am going to experience during my time in Germany and on outreach somewhere in the 10/40 Window will absolutely leave me different than I've ever been before. I anticipate healing and growth happening like no other time in my life...and I just can't wait!

There is not one thing I would change about my past. I am where I am and I am who I am because of every good and bad experience in my life. Specifically within the last 2 years, despite the struggles, I don't regret one thing.

No regrets AT ALL!

If I hadn't moved home...as hard as it was...I wouldn't be a part of my amazing Church and I wouldn't be healing from those hard teenage years in this town. I have grown to love the town that I used to hate being in.

I am happy here.

I still have a hard time living in the present instead of the future but it is beginning to get easier. I am cherishing the time I have left in this season of my life because I know that things will never be the same again. Every time has a purpose and these last couple years worth of lessons most likely have more significance than I can even see now.

Thank you to every one of you who care about my random update (I'm sure I've left out a lot) and who continue to pray for me. Your prayers are precious necessities. I still have some funds to raise and I would be so grateful if you would prayerfully consider helping me.

Much love to you all,

Toni~