Saying yes to Purdue and getting ourselves to Lafayette/West Lafayette were two different things entirely. The only issue with accepting my offer from Purdue was that I still had months left at YSU and much to do to complete my thesis. Moving on to Purdue would be on the front of my mind for most of my remaining Spring semester. This would be the beginning of an internal conflict that would take focus in my life, because I was cognizant of my commitment I had to complete my M.Sc. at YSU. A few times a week, I would think about which group I would be working with at Purdue or where would we live or really anything that concerned my future.
My research at YSU began to have less meaning and my work ethic went a bit downhill as March became April. Couple the lack of ambition with any distraction possible and this resulted in daily life that is toxic to the soul. With a few exceptions of productive days, this tended to be my method of operations until late-May. I wasn’t really getting much of anywhere in my relationship with Jesus either. I finished one growth group and began to stagnate in that area of my life, as well. I suppose that this happened simultaneously, so I would be able to clearly see how I allowed my life to become unorganized in all sides.
Without as much previous external motivation, I was starting to feel like a slow-building disaster. I guess it’s easy to make excuses [in the moment]. For example: I was already in and the completion of my master’s wasn’t a condition for my acceptance. Vanessa knows how much work I have to do to finish my thesis, she’ll keep up the laundry, cleaning, and shopping. How long can one live like this? Really though, knowing that there’s no way I would be walking away without finishing everything – being fully aware of the strains of my mental state on my relationship with my wife...all of these things were no good, but it’s easy to lose yourself in these moments.
I needed some sort of way to pull things back together. I had deadlines for drafts of my thesis, but that didn’t do the trick. I had better conversations with my wife about life, in general, but that never put things in place. I made a point to try engaging some method of physical exercise to get into a routine or some other type of balance in my life, but that died off quickly. It would take the acknowledgement that doing everything on my own wasn’t going to work; it was being able to realize that I had done everything by myself because I am both human and foolish. There came a time in my life again where I finally found it necessary to lay my problems down and actively allow God to take things over again. So, yeah, the whole “actively take over” sounds strange, but it makes sense to me. I needed to consciously found ways to see something that I struggled with and stop avoiding help and other people and let go of my own ways.
I would eventually finish writing my thesis and I would move west with my wife. Vanessa likes to tell friends and family that we’re in the next chapter or that we’re seeing what God is showing us on our next journey together. Honestly, I couldn’t think of a better way to explain it and I don’t care if any of that sounds too cliché or boring to the world. This is our lives and we know we are where we’re meant to be. We are children of the King. We might seem like we don’t know what we’re doing some days, but we are willing to follow the plan that’s been set out before us.
prguitarman
ellievsbear
amandla
theartofmadeline
turnnoffyourmind
discoholicmusic
