CONVEX_LAY happy new year! i hope you are excited for what’s to come!
view all comments ★ posted january 1st, 2019
he doesn’t tell anyone how he’s been “practicing” the song, knee-pads and elbow-pads tucked away into the deep depths of his backpack. the stage is secured or it will be according to the station but does he trust it? yixing’s doubt wins over any faith he has after seeing more than enough convex members sit out because of rain. it seems so innocuous to talk about if you say it that way, because of rain.
the truth is an injury can come out of anything. what he fails to keep in mind is that his own past injuries can act up because of his so-called preventative measures. there’s no reason or logic to his method. if only that were enough to stop him before he keeps going. but he sings and dances through the night, thinking how this move is dangerous if they don’t nail it now or that move could end up causing a slip. thoughts like that bother him the closer they get to the performance and yixing panics that he might feel this way every time they have to perform on stage from now on.
he’ll never get through promotions that way.
his concerns should be shared but he hasn’t changed from months ago. if anything, he thinks what happened destroyed his progress- what little progress he’d made. he’s back to masks and thinly veiled smiles. it’s only a matter of time before they’re seen through again and in retrospect he’s grateful for it. he’s grateful that some of his convex members can tell when he’s lying, because it means he’s let go more than he thought. he’s grateful because he’s not alone even when he thinks he is, even when he feels lonely because of his own shortcomings, and even when he thinks he shouldn’t be here, especially then. he’s grateful convex gives him strength, more than they could know.
CONVEX_LAY aaa such a good book and movie. can you guess which one i did? 哈哈
view all comments ★ posted december 2nd, 2018
“we accept the love we think we deserve,” yixing is haunted by these words daily. questions that are too late and possibilities he shouldn’t dwell on. he thinks of them too often for a man who broke up with his girlfriend for his career. it’s a fact and as much as he wishes he could describe it otherwise, he knows he made the decision. it is what he chose in the end: he gave up a love life for his career, he gave up jennie for convex. he tells himself it was inevitable, that he would’ve made her more unhappy, that he didn’t have the time to give her date properly before and he still doesn’t have it but why does it feel easier now? why does it feel easier now to have given her more of his time? all of his spare time, any time.
he’s lonely, that must be it.
he’s lonely, because he gave up more than one love this year and he knows it. his lunch is spent like this and they have been for the past few weeks. the answer to the question on instagram? both. he watched the movie, read the book, listened to this song over and over until he felt sick; until he realized he felt sick because he was as bad as the protagonist. feelings held in and kept to himself, a certain type of bravery he couldn’t create.
no matter how he dances, how he sings, no matter what smooth words he tries to come up with explain himself away, he won’t be able to reach that level and he thinks back to his first audition with sphere when he was told that there wasn’t enough of himself in the performance. is there ever enough of him in anything he does or is he always hiding, sinking against the wall? before he can let himself get lost in that too, he gets up, brushes off his pants, and stretches an arm across his chest before starting up the bgm again.
time to practice his first measure and see if it’ll work, to throw himself into the choreography and try and capture every possible way someone could get injured this time. he can’t see it happen again. he can’t.
CONVEX_LAY even if your hands are cold, have a warm heart
view all comments ★ posted december 16th, 2018
idle time is the worst. he’s in limbo, stuck in nothing but thinking of everything and yixing quickly scrambles to avoid that state. he falls back on old hobbies, random and a little trivial but easily transportable and able to pick up at any second. it’s not as easy as others as long as he doesn’t start anything without counting his time. now his mind is on numbers and stitches, rice and invisible seams. it’s an idea, anyway. who knows if it’ll get anywhere but he’ll start small. hand them out to the new trainees as they come in or to anyone he crosses that needs one. his nainai’s advice serves him best in a moment like this, reminding him that little acts of kindness heal the heart the best, the fastest and he needs fast right now before he’s swept up by schedules and falls again. or worse, someone else falls and he’s standing in the dark thinking he should’ve done better.
he hums and realizes he weaves the needles occasionally to the beat of the song. five minutes until breakfast ends and more convex members will stream into the practice room. there’s a few around him now and he pretends he isn’t distracted, pretends not to throw one of the completed hand warmers at one of their heads to test how sound it is. it’s not an attack but practicality. every product has to be tested anyway! the shape looks more deflated when it falls and he wonders if he didn’t close it completely or if he’d cut the shape out messily. it wasn’t like him but he wasn’t himself lately either. what other shapes could he try out... maybe he’ll message his grandma to ask what else... animal shapes for kids? but wouldn’t it be weird trying to give one to a kid out of nowhere? aaa... but giving out round ones seems boring. square ones are plain. triangles aren’t sensible... he thinks. their manager walks in with more members and yixing scrambles again, this time to ask about a certain holiday associated with a cute shape.
CONVEX_LAY it looks cold, doesn’t it? i’m okay, i had twelve roommates to keep me warm that day ㅋㅋㅋ
view all comments ★ posted december 7th, 2018
he’s not always here nor there. he worries if he’s genuinely anywhere at this point and if he’s trying to become dr. seuss in the meantime. it wouldn’t be so bad, right? when he was younger, he thought dr. seuss was the cat in the hat but that doesn’t seem true... he chose this, he did. he made his bed and laid in it, another comparison he doesn’t understand. why lays in a bed they just made? why do you have to make the bed if you’re going to lay in it again? he asked his nainai that often as a child and got his cheek pinched for it every time but he thinks he gets it now.
similar to making a decision and taking responsibility for it, he’s taking responsibility for where he’s been, for where he’ll be again, for his own actions and choices. but why does he linger on it now? maybe it’s because he wishes he could show jennie the dance for mr. chu and make her laugh the way he used to before they started dating, before things got complicated, before he had to face more serious decisions. he misses the days he didn’t worry about every step or 8-count being off-sync or someone’s microphone not working properly. he misses when the most serious issue he had every day was when to make the next batch of boba and if he added too much sugar this time. there’s nothing wrong with too much, right? wrong! it changes the flavor completely and can make the tapioca stiff if boiled incorrectly. he misses those days but looking around the practice room and watching the members sing mr. chu during their small breaks makes him realize he’s gained a lot more happiness too. maybe that’s what he should focus on most.
CONVEX_LAY are you ready for christmas? i found the perfect tree ㅋ
view all comments ★ posted december 23rd, 2018
every christmas in seoul has brought about something new for him but one thing is the same: he misses his grandmother the most. christmas in the meng household was occasionally more festive than the streets in the city. lights and decoration adorning every inch of the manor and he loved every second of it. he could spend hours helping decorate and he did. this year, he didn’t know where his place was.
with so many of them, there was more than enough members to do this or that. help jinki hyung cook or clean, sing with woohyun hyung to christmas songs, or watch on with affection. like a surplus of christmas spirit embodied in people, yixing thought he didn’t know how to contribute until he remembered a gag hoodie he’d been given one year. it was meant to be a funny gift but yixing treasured it as one of his finest jackets.
he wished he could’ve brought the finest, grandest tree into the dorm (maybe even one taller than sehun!) but since he couldn’t, he could still bring some kind of tree. common sense tells him not to bring bells along or wear them because the jacket is bright enough. small red globes line the edges and a bright yellow star atop his head. quiet as he moves through the dorm, he doesn’t announce it right away, wants it to settle in and dawn on someone suddenly because how does one announce they’re dressed as a tree for some holiday cheer? the lighting in the dorm’s rooms don’t do the jacket justice but he’s zhang yixing. can’t he light up the room enough on his own? he’s snickering to himself by the time he sneaks back into the living room. he still misses his grandmother but spending christmas like this isn’t bad at all.
