#c;bl

[rklandon]

░▐ ★_ocean eyes 、

《 ★ rkjennie 》  he wonders if she knows he went to her debut showcase and he would’ve gone to the more recent one if they weren’t busy preparing for the comeback. between learning the choreography, filming the mv, and the showcase before the live stages this month, he didn’t know when he had a chance to really breathe. since the prank, yixing doesn’t feel like he has been so far and he wonders how much of everything is a prank. how much of his life is a joke to other people? is he a joke? 

it’s a concern he hasn’t had since primary school when he was bullied for living in the housemaid quarters of the meng household. the sad look on his nainai’s face when she found out made him decide not to let others make him a laughingstock. he learned how to lead conversations in other directions, how to make people laugh at things that were actually funny, and how to avoid being hurt by words so easily. he became stronger but right now he feels weak standing a few feet away from her, fighting the urge to call her pretty girl again and act like nothing changed, like this month isn’t supposed to be theirs, an anniversary they didn’t get to have. 

when he reaches her, he makes sure to bow, avoiding her gaze so he doesn’t sink into those ocean eyes again. “it’s the bewitching women of kt~ your mv looked very cool! the rap is my favorite part.” he didn’t have to say that, he shouldn’t have, but a part of him wanted to and that was enough for him. enough for him to make a foolish decision and stare into her eyes again. 

[rklandon]

❤ 💬➤

CONVEX_LAY  aaa such a good book and movie. can you guess which one i did? 哈哈

view all comments ★ posted december 2nd, 2018

“we accept the love we think we deserve,” yixing is haunted by these words daily. questions that are too late and possibilities he shouldn’t dwell on. he thinks of them too often for a man who broke up with his girlfriend for his career. it’s a fact and as much as he wishes he could describe it otherwise, he knows he made the decision. it is what he chose in the end: he gave up a love life for his career, he gave up jennie for convex. he tells himself it was inevitable, that he would’ve made her more unhappy, that he didn’t have the time to give her date properly before and he still doesn’t have it but why does it feel easier now? why does it feel easier now to have given her more of his time? all of his spare time, any time.

he’s lonely, that must be it.

he’s lonely, because he gave up more than one love this year and he knows it. his lunch is spent like this and they have been for the past few weeks. the answer to the question on instagram? both. he watched the movie, read the book, listened to this song over and over until he felt sick; until he realized he felt sick because he was as bad as the protagonist. feelings held in and kept to himself, a certain type of bravery he couldn’t create.

no matter how he dances, how he sings, no matter what smooth words he tries to come up with explain himself away, he won’t be able to reach that level and he thinks back to his first audition with sphere when he was told that there wasn’t enough of himself in the performance. is there ever enough of him in anything he does or is he always hiding, sinking against the wall? before he can let himself get lost in that too, he gets up, brushes off his pants, and stretches an arm across his chest before starting up the bgm again.

time to practice his first measure and see if it’ll work, to throw himself into the choreography and try and capture every possible way someone could get injured this time. he can’t see it happen again. he can’t.

[rklandon]

❤ 💬➤

CONVEX_LAY  it looks cold, doesn’t it? i’m okay, i had twelve roommates to keep me warm that day ㅋㅋㅋ

view all comments ★ posted december 7th, 2018

he’s not always here nor there. he worries if he’s genuinely anywhere at this point and if he’s trying to become dr. seuss in the meantime. it wouldn’t be so bad, right? when he was younger, he thought dr. seuss was the cat in the hat but that doesn’t seem true... he chose this, he did. he made his bed and laid in it, another comparison he doesn’t understand. why lays in a bed they just made? why do you have to make the bed if you’re going to lay in it again? he asked his nainai that often as a child and got his cheek pinched for it every time but he thinks he gets it now. 

similar to making a decision and taking responsibility for it, he’s taking responsibility for where he’s been, for where he’ll be again, for his own actions and choices. but why does he linger on it now? maybe it’s because he wishes he could show jennie the dance for mr. chu and make her laugh the way he used to before they started dating, before things got complicated, before he had to face more serious decisions. he misses the days he didn’t worry about every step or 8-count being off-sync or someone’s microphone not working properly. he misses when the most serious issue he had every day was when to make the next batch of boba and if he added too much sugar this time. there’s nothing wrong with too much, right? wrong! it changes the flavor completely and can make the tapioca stiff if boiled incorrectly. he misses those days but looking around the practice room and watching the members sing mr. chu during their small breaks makes him realize he’s gained a lot more happiness too. maybe that’s what he should focus on most. 

[rklandon]

                                                     EVERY DAY IN MY DREAMS,                                                    YOU PUT YOUR ARMS IN MINE                                                      《    ★ CONVEX:APREVAL   》

with a loss of another woman in his life, yixing’s lost all the right to perform this song earnestly and with that he drags his feet for weeks. it’s a matter of time, just a matter of time, and his clock’s ticking. with each step, each breath, he wonders who’s next and when. 

(he wonders if jennie is going to decide their relationship is no longer worth it and if his nainai is going to give up on him because he can’t protect those he loves) 

barely running on fumes, his disappointment only grows; because he should be one of the strengths of the group, not dragging them down with him. he thinks it can’t be helped, not with the loss of hudie, he’s at a loss for words, a loss for strength and sanity. 

without jennie beside him, without baekhyun beside him, and without the princess, she was the closest he let beyond her armor. jinwook is one of his best friends, as are rome and yien but he knows it’s not the same. he knows he wouldn’t be able to cry with his head in their laps, they wouldn’t have the gentle, fluttering touch of a butterfly. his second source of spring. 

he’s caught in the winds without wings, without her to guide him home again. instead, he aches and aches, emotionally and physically. the endless jumps of the choreography contradict the advice of his doctors and he’s forcing himself energetically through each one, mind over matter, but his body doesn’t cooperate. 

he’s a wolf that can’t fly, so he’s caught in heat stroke. body strained and struggling to breathe. 

on the day of the recording, he wills himself to transform: because he has to prove to himself he can protect those he loves, starting over with convex. he owes it to them, to himself, to their futures as a group and as a family. this is his pack. teeth bared, he charges forward. in the recording studio, he howls. 

[rklandon]

                            《    I DON’T WANT TO STOP,  CONVEX;FEBEVAL   》

he doesn’t want to feel stuck, as if he’s only capable of one style, or one thing, because truthfully yixing was a dancer. he got into sphere as a dancer so he makes a choice to go back, to rewrite what he’d accomplished before. one of the first times he sang and danced for sphere with confidence. it was nearly a year again, nearly a year that he’d been with jennie.

time flies and he wants his progress to soar with it.

his singing is more stable now, he can harmonize, and he thinks his singing got better like ailee says. he couldn’t possibly reach her level but a guy has to dream and he has to aim high, not just as leader but because he wants this. because he’s not the same guy he was nearly a year ago. there’s flow to his steps and to his voice, a melody that finally translates across his body to his soul and mind, but most importantly to his vocal cords too.

soft but strong, like the stroke of a calligraphy brush. he carries grace in his pocket and a tune in his heart. his original choreography is still toned down, lighter so the lyrics can glide the way his feet do but it’s his song he cares about most now. he doesn’t want to be just a dancer anymore but a performer, an idol.

《   do whatever you want my baby don’t worry and hold my hand  》

he wants to be reliable, for the way he can carry a note to reassure his group members that he will support them too, hold them up, take their hand and go through their lives together from now on. because no matter what happens from this point on, they’re bonded together asconvex. just one more time, he has to say: i don’t want to stop. you make me hum happy when i’m near you.

this time around, yixing is in love with the music and the group.

[rklandon]

@rkjennie:

( sms - ♥ oppa ♥ ) file.attached ( sms - ♥ oppa ♥ ) i’m not looking cute today but i thought it might cheer you up 😊 😊 ( sms - ♥ oppa ♥ ) i don’t know if you’re even sad but still… ( sms - ♥ oppa ♥ ) it can give you a burst of energy too 😘 💪 ( sms - ♥ oppa ♥ ) make sure to drink a lot and stay hydrated, oppa! 💧 💧 🥛 ( sms - ♥ oppa ♥ ) also eat a lot!! 🍜 you need your strength for practice! 💪 💪 ( sms - ♥ oppa ♥ ) and don’t forget to take some medicine if you feel bad ( sms - ♥ oppa ♥ ) i wish my kisses could heal you 😭 😭 😭 😭 💖

░▐ ✉️_ SNS : pretty girl 💕

《 ★ 》 you? not looking cute? waaa, is that possible?  《 ★ 》 you’re the prettiest girl i’ve ever seen 💗 《 ★ 》 i'm sorry you have to worry about me being sad like this DELETE? [YES] [NO] 《 ★ 》 ㅋㅋㅋ seeing your pretty face does give me more energy!  《 ★ 》 but what am i going to do? it also makes me want to kiss you ㅎㅎ 《 ★ 》 i will! aaa... i shouldn’t overdo it with medicine! that can be bad for you too!  《 ★ 》 if they did, i’d tell you i’m always sick ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ  《 ★ 》 i feel better when i can talk to you. thank you baby. where would i be without such a great girlfriend? 

[rklandon]

░▐ ★_unfair 、

《 ★ rkjennie ; backdated 》 childish retaliation, he knew it became more about that than wanting to post a picture of hyeri on twitter. she’s beautiful, he’s known and thought that since they met but he never posted a picture of her before. it’s no surprise that the only female he’s posted a picture of before that is meiqi. his nainai doesn’t even allow him to and he’s only okay with it because she’s actually only his. a selfish need to monopolize. that’s his lack of logic when it comes to explaining why he’d post a picture of hyeri over jennie. when they’re both trainees on the edge of being revealed as public whenever the samsung commercial airs, if the one he’s in does, he knew better. it’s knowing that jennie can easily post pictures of chanyeol that sent him over his own personal edge and he could see red if he wasn’t more self-aware. but when he shows up at her apartment, there’s no semblance of a waiting apology on the tip of his tongue or written on his face. all he brings with him today is a box of fried chicken in case she wanted some. it’s unfair of him to hope she doesn’t, to wish that she lost her appetite the way he did when he saw her upload a picture of another man. 

[rklandon]

░▐ ★_좋아 좋아 i like you 、

《 ★ rkjennie ; backdated 170715 》 he thought there wouldn’t be a day that makes him as happy as april 6th until he realizes on july 15th just how fortunate he is. april 6th rendered him weak and wondering, anxious to what she’ll say despite his heart knowing she’ll say yes. she has to, right? he couldn’t imagine it going another way, not when their feelings are so strong. it’s his fault now that the days leading up to it weren’t as blissful. 

today is different, he promises himself, he promises her without actually saying it. he doesn’t need to. looking into her eyes is enough for him and he thinks that she probably expects him to mess up, to barely show up because he’s not really there for her. he wants to prove that all wrong. cast away all doubts for the prettiest smile he’s seen in a while. jennie deserves that kind of smile more often. it’s a shame he hasn’t done more to make sure it happens everyday. 

he thanks the heavens that it’s on a saturday because it means his plans are going to go off without a hitch— as much as he can ensure. when it’s his milestone celebration with jennie, he’s apologetic to ask a friend to be involved but he’d rather that than miss out on trying to make every moment of the day great. 

breakfast is easy, he has time to stop by and drop off what he’s made for her similar to what he did for valentine’s day. he considered being generous enough to make enough for her roommates too because of how often he comes around but this day is about them, it’s for her and her alone. lunch isn’t as simple and he has to rely on a friend to deliver his “gifts.” a hazelnut latte to get her through the day and a basket of candies, chocolates and this time they’re exactly the same type of chocolates he gave her for white day. the lunch is plain because it’s the chocolates that matter most. 

he wonders if she’ll remember, that this is their story. he certainly made her wait long enough for it. 

the last meal is the most important to him as he stands outside her door with a bouquet of flowers, a cherry blossom pinned to the label of his blazer. this time, he’s not nervous nor is the weight of everything on his shoulders. tonight, all he sees and thinks of is jennie.