C279 of The Husky and his White Cat Shizun
(I'm pretty sure I posted this before?? Did Tumblr eat my post or is my memory failing me??)
>>> SPOILERS
>>> SPOILERS
>>> SPOILERS
In a hidden valley.
It was late at night, and fresh snow drifted down outside the hut.
These few days, Mo Ran’s wounds kept deteriorating. Even though Chu Wan Ning used the Flower Soul Sacrifice spell to heal him, there was little effect.
In the afternoon, he groggily woke once, but his consciousness was vague. His eyes barely open, he saw Chu Wan Ning and cried, he apologized, then begged him not to leave, his words were jumbled and nonsensical, and at the end he simply wept, unable to speak.
He kept dreaming, constantly travelling through those years of unease.
One moment, he thought he had just been picked up by Xue Zhengyong, the other, he thought he were during those five years he had lost Chu Wan Ning.
The only thing he couldn’t dream of, were those memories that the Eight-Suffering-Hatred Flower had stolen from him. He couldn’t dream of all his sacrifices, of all his efforts at protection, of all his innocence.
“Mo Ran……” Carrying a bowl of freshly cooked congee, Chu Wan Ning came to his bedside.
The congee was just barely edible, and was made with the culinary skill of his past life.
He sat by the bed, raised a hand, and stroked Mo Ran’s forehead.
It was extremely hot with fever.
He called him, but couldn’t awaken him no matter what. So Chu Wan Ning waited, waited until the congee slowly grew cool, then cold, he felt that this would not do and warmed the congee in a water bath.
He didn’t know when Mo Ran would wake, but if he did, he would immediately have something to eat.
“I made it with chicken stock, your favourite,” Chu Wan Ning spoke to him softly. The spells keeping Mo Ran’s heart beating had never stopped, but Mo Ran could not wake up.
If he could not wake up, that meant that the moment the spells stopped, perhaps he would never wake up.
It was impossible to save him.
But he couldn’t bear to give up, how could he bear to give up?
Mo Ran was still alive, he still drew breath no matter how weakly. These days, as Chu Wan Ning kept a constant vigil at his side, seeing that his chest still rose and fell, he felt that there was still hope, that there was still turning back.
It was still in time.
Chu Wan Ning even remembered, one night, Mo Ran groggily woke. At that time, there was no lamplight in the hut. Mo Ran stared dazedly at the lamp, his dried lips slightly moving.
He was very agitated and grabbed Mo Ran’s hand hurriedly, asking, “What are you trying to say?”
“...... Light……”
“What?”
“...... Light….. I want light……” Mo Ran gazed at the lamp that he was fated never to be able to light, and a tear fell, rolling down his face, “I want light…”
In that moment, it was like time had reversed.
It was as if they had gone back to that year, when Mo Ran had just come under his tutelage. Mo Ran fell ill, the skinny youth curled up on the bed dazedly.
When Chu Wan Ning visited him, he was sobbing quietly and calling for his mom.
Unsure of how to soothe him, Chu Wan Ning sat beside the youth’s bed, raised his hand hesitatingly, and stroked the youth’s forehead.
That skinny child began to cry, and said, “It’s dark…… It’s all dark…… Mom…… I want to go home……”
In the end, it was Chu Wan Ning who lit the lamp, the flickering fire casting light on the four walls, and on Chu Wan Ning’s face. As though he felt the warmth of the light, the feverish child opened a pair of black, damp eyes.
“Shizun……”
Chu Wan Ning made a sound of reply, and helped cover him with the blanket. His voice was low and sounded very gentle, “Mo Ran, the light is lit… Don’t be afraid.”
After so many years, a lone, small lamp was once again lit up, the warm yellow light spreading in the hut, driving away the endless darkness and chill.
Chu Wan Ning caressed his bangs, and called him hoarsely, “Mo Ran, the light is lit.”
He wanted to continue, don’t be afraid.
But his throat choked on a sob, and he couldn’t say it. Chu Wan Ning managed to hold his tears back, but he finally placed his forehead against Mo Ran’s, and begged in low, fragmented sobs, “...... The light is lit, wake up, please?”
“Answer me, please…...”
The lamp kept burning, the flame going from clear and bright, until the oil was exhausted.
Afterwards, the sky lit up, white light flooding in from the windows, but Mo Ran still did not open his eyes. Those times when that deeply sleeping youth could be awoken with a single lamp, were over.
There was no turning back.
Another three nights passed.
These days Chu Wan Ning kept vigil by his bedside everyday, caring for him, accompanying him, giving him spiritual energy, and also telling him about those things which he had slowly forgotten.
This evening, the snow had stopped and the sun was red outside their window, the remaining sunlight scattering over the land. A pair of squirrels bounded on a snow-laden branch as they passed, and a flurry of glittering white flew, then fell.
This light fell on the man lying on the bed, the evening light adding some color to his sickly white complexion. Under his thin eyelids, his eyes moved slightly-- Then, he gradually opened his eyes.
After several days of heavy illness, Mo Ran finally woke.
He opened his eyes, his gaze dazed and empty, until he saw Chu Wan Ning sprawled on the side of his bed in shallow, exhausted slumber.
Mo Ran whispered hoarsely, in a daze, “Shizun……”
He lay under the sheets, his consciousness slowly coming back to himself, slowly, he vaguely remembered while he was drifting in and out of sleep, those things Chu Wan Ning repeatedly told him about.
That cup of wine on Mid-Autumn’s, the crabapple handkerchief..…. And that year in the Red Lotus Pavilion, the Eight-Suffering-Hatred flower that he had chosen to take in his place.
Was it a dream?
Was it only that he yearned for salvation too much, that’s why he dreamt that Chu Wan Ning had told him those stories; was it only that he longed to turn back too much, that’s why he dreamt that Chu Wan Ning was willing to forgive him, was willing to give him forgiveness.
He slanted his face and reached out one hand, wanting to touch that man sleeping deeply by his pillow. But his fingertips had yet to touch him, before they retracted.
He was afraid that once he touched him, the dream would shatter.
He was still in the Tianyin Pavilion, he was still kneeling on the Stage of Guilt, below him were the masses of observers. He was kneeling alone in front of thousands, those people in the end turning to a sea of blurred faces in his eyes, turning into those vengeful souls that had died under his hand, laughing and screaming for his life.
Nobody wanted him, nobody saved him.
It was all his shamelessness, it was all his wild ambition, it was him going crazy, it was him hallucinating that Chu Wan Ning had come--- It was him, in the violent torture of having his heart dug out, he had hallucinated the last fire in the world.
It was all false.
There was never anyone who broke his chains, there was never anyone who embraced him, there was never anyone who rode the wind to him, there was never anyone who brought him home.
His eyelashes trembled, tears formed in his eyes. He stared at Chu Wan Ning’s sleeping face, he didn’t dare to blink, until his eyes finally blurred, until his tears finally fell.
Chu Wan Ning’s reflection shattered into a thousand million shining splinters, and he looked upon his good dream again.
The dream, was still there.
Mo Ran lay weakly on the bed, his eyelashes wet, his throat contracting, tears falling endlessly from the corners of his eyes…… His heart hurt greatly, the blood was oozing outwards without stopping. Afraid that he would wake Chu Wan Ning who had fallen asleep for a moment, he bit his lip as he wept soundlessly.
He had woken, but he knew his own body. He knew that this was only temporary, that it was just a final burst of life.
It was also the last mercy the heavens had given him.
He, Mo Wei Yu, had lived in anxiety for most of his life, had lived in insanity for a lifetime. His hands covered in blood, unable to escape from his reputation, only at the last was he finally convicted. Hence he felt very dazed, even a little uneasy.
He didn’t know whether this was fortune or misfortune.
It was misfortunate, that he had lived both his lives in absurdity.
It was fortunate, that the remainder of his days, could finally be spent in peace.
But how many days did he have left? One day? Two?
This was a peace he had exchanged for with his life.
--- Peaceful days, which he had never had before.
Eventually he heard Chu Wan Ning stir, and he hurriedly wiped his tears away, not wanting to let Shizun see that he was crying.
Mo Ran turned his head, watching the lashes of the person beside his bed quiver, watching those narrow eyes ease open, watching himself be reflected in those eyes.
Outside, the sky turned dark.
He heard Chu Wan Ning lightly call him in a slightly hoarse voice, “Mo…… Ran?”
That sound was low and gentle and slow, like a spring bud breaking through the soil, like the thawing of a frozen river, like tendrils of warm steam rising from a heated jar of wine, warming one’s heart. It was a heavenly music that he would never forget in this life. So Mo Ran was silent for a while, then he smiled.
“Shizun, I’ve woken.”
The night was clear, the life ahead was long.
That night, in the hidden valley, Mo Ran finally experienced the most carefree, most gentle time of both his lifetimes. He woke, and he could see the overjoyed surprise and sorrow in Chu Wan Ning’s eyes. He woke, lying on the bed, he let Chu Wan Ning do whatever he wanted, say whatever he wanted, he let Chu Wan Ning tell him about this and that incident and misunderstanding.
To him, it was not important.
He just wanted to hold on a little longer, just a little longer.
“Let me see your wound again.”
“Nah.” Mo Ran smiled as he held Chu Wan Ning’s hand, carrying it to his lips for a light kiss. “I’m fine now.”
After rejecting a few times, Chu Wan Ning gazed at him, then seemed to suddenly understand something, his face going pale little by little.
Mo Ran forced himself to stay at ease as he gently repeated, “I’m really fine now.”
Chu Wan Ning didn’t reply, after a while, he stood up and walked over to the stove. The firewood in it was gradually burning out, he turned his back to Mo Ran as he slowly agitated the wood.
The fire rose and the hut became warm again, but Chu Wan Ning didn’t turn his head back, using the poker to continue stirring the wood which no longer needed stirring.
“Congee……”
At last, his voice was hoarse as he said.
“I kept the congee warm for you, waiting for you to eat it after waking up.”
Mo Ran was silent for a moment before he lowered his eyelids and laughed. “...... I haven’t had Wan Ning’s congee in a long time, after you left in my last life, I’ve never had it again.”
“I didn’t make it well.” Chu Wan Ning said, “I’m still not good at it, probably…… It’s only barely palatable……” His voice trembled a little at the end, as though he could no longer continue talking.
He paused for a long while before slowly saying, “I’ll fill a bowl for you.”
Mo Ran replied, “...... Okay.”
It was very warm in the hut, as the night deepened, snow began drifting down.
Mo Ran carried his bowl of congee, carefully eating it. Every few mouthfuls, he would look at Chu Wan Ning, then lower his head to continue eating, then look back up at Chu Wan Ning.
Chu Wan Ning asked, “What’s wrong? Do you feel discomfort anywhere?”
“No,” Mo Ran replied quietly, “I just want to look at you more.”
“......” Chu Wan Ning didn’t say a word, and used his silver dagger to carve the fish roasting over the stove. The river fish was meltingly tender, but there were still spines in it, he removed all the spines and separated the snow-white fish meat meticulously.
In the past when he ate, Mo Ran always took care of him.
Now, the reverse was also true.
He handed the cut fish to Mo Ran, “Eat it while it’s hot.”
Mo Ran obediently ate it.
When this man was lying on the bed covered by the blanket, he did not seem so tall. The orange firelight illuminated his face, it was very youthful.
At this time, Chu Wan Ning suddenly realized. Truthfully, whether it was Taxian-jun, or Grandmaster Mo, they were both younger than himself by an entire decade.
Yet, they had endured so much hardship.
Mo Ran finished his congee, but picked up the plumpest piece of fish meat and was about to hand it to Chu Wan Ning, but stopped. “Shizun, what’s wrong?”
Chu Wan Ning lowered his head, the rim of his eyes slightly red. He steadied his emotions before unemotionally saying, “It’s nothing, it’s just a little cold.”
Afraid that if he sat here he would be less and less able to control himself, he got up. “I’m going to patrol the surroundings, after you finish eating, hurry and go rest. When your wounds are better, I will bring you back to the Peak of Life and Death.”
They both knew that this apparent recovery was nothing more than a temporary burst of life, that there weren’t many days left.
Yet, they spoke of tomorrow, of the future. As though they wanted to cram the next few decades into this one night, as though they wanted to spend all their future days in this one snowy night.
After Chu Wan Ning left, Mo Ran sat in front of the stove for a while before loosening his clothes and lowering his head to look at the ugly wound.
He sat there blankly for a while, emptily.
The snow outside fell more and more heavily, Mo Ran didn’t know when he would suddenly deteriorate, nor when his life would come to its end. He sprawled beside the bed and watched the snow drifting outside, the whistle of the wind in his ears, and suddenly felt like his life was like this harried wind, everything in his past flowing away.
Actually no matter whether it was his past life, or this life, there were always such intelligent people scheming and calculating.
Whether it was Shizun, or Shimei, one of them wanted to protect him, the other wanted to harm him, but they all had their own calculations. Even though through some twist in fate they may not have succeeded, but they all had their long-term schemes.
Mo Ran wasn’t like them, he was the sort of canine that was extremely stupid, and didn’t have any such roundabout thoughts. He didn’t know how to plan each step, or how to play a beautiful game of chess. He only knew how to steadfastly protect the one he loves, no matter whether he were grievously wounded to the bone, he would still obstinately stand in front of that person, and never leave.
Said in a nice way, this sort of person is brave.
Said in a bad way, this sort of person, is stupid.
This extremely stupid person lay by the window, his lashes quivering, and suddenly saw a familiar figure standing under a distant plum tree.
Chu Wan Ning didn’t go to patrol, this was only his excuse.
The snow was too heavy and he was standing too far away for Mo Ran to clearly see any emotion on his face, only his blurred silhouette. He stood under the blanket of falling snow, unmoving.
What was he thinking about?
Was he cold?
He……
“Shizun.”
Chu Wan Ning was in a daze when he turned his head back and saw, in the dark night, in the snow, that black-clothed youth wrapped in the blanket. He had, without him realizing, come up behind him.
Chu Wan Ning startled and immediately said, “Why are you out here? What did you come here for? Hurry up and---”
He hadn’t managed to say, “go back”, when a warmth enveloped him.
Mo Ran raised the blanket over them, darkness and warmth descended, and he enveloped Chu Wan Ning into the blanket.
The two of them stood under the old plum tree, standing inside that thick, disused blanket which smelled a little musty no matter how long it was sunned. No matter how heavy the snow was, or how the wind howled, it had nothing to do with them.
Mo Ran embraced him inside this warmth and pitch darkness. “Don’t think about it anymore, even though I don’t remember any of those things Shizun told me about, but……”
He paused, and kissed Chu Wan Ning’s forehead, then continued in a small voice, “But if I had to go back and go through it again, I would still have done the same.”
“......”
“Besides,” he felt for and caught Chu Wan Ning’s frozen hands in his own, “Shizun doesn’t have to feel bad. Actually, I feel that what Shimei said was correct, the Eight-Suffering-Hatred Flower merely amplified and realized those unspeakable thoughts and desires in my heart.”
Their fingers entwined.
Mo Ran touched his forehead to his. “I originally had a lot of hatred in my heart, it’s just that I didn’t vent them when I was young. Massacring the Rufeng Sect…… I did think of it. Conquering the world, I also thought of it. It’s pretty funny, when I was five or six and hiding inside a broken room, I did fantasize about one day being all-powerful. These are all my own desires, nobody forced them on me.”
He stroked Chu Wan Ning’s face. “So, if the one who had been parasitized at the time had been Shizun, perhaps you wouldn’t have become an evil tyrant like me. And you wouldn’t have been used, or tried by the Tianyin Pavilion.” He laughed, a nasal tone to it, and nuzzled his forehead against his comfortingly. “I didn’t substitute you, so don’t think about it anymore, come back to the house and sleep.”
The bed was very narrow, Mo Ran cradled him in his arms.
The moment that had to come would always come closer and closer, there was no escaping.
Mo Ran’s consciousness began to become blurred and scattered again, the twisting pain in his heart was greater than it had ever been before. This final burst of life would not last too long, when Mom died it was like this as well, he knew that he didn’t have much time left.
He lowered his thick lashes, the stove’s fire at this time had already dimmed. That hazy yellow light illuminated his youthful, handsome face, and made it seem extraordinarily gentle.
This stupid man, probably seeing the pain in Chu Wan Ning’s gaze, endured his own pain and asked with a smile, “Does it look good?”
Chu Wan Ning paused for a moment, as expected. “What?”
“The scar.” Mo Ran said, “A man should have a few scars, it’s more manly.”
Chu Wan Ning fell silent for a while, raised his hand, and slapped him neither lightly nor heavily. The slap was so light, it seemed more like a caress.
After a moment, he seemed to finally no longer be able to bear it, and buried himself in Mo Ran’s warm embrace. He didn’t make a sound, but his shoulders were trembling.
He knew.
Chu Wan Ning knew.
Mo Ran startled for a moment, embraced him, kissed his temple and hair.
“It’s so ugly, huh.” After going through crisis, he was far gentler than before, he lightly sighed. “It’s so ugly it made Wan Ning cry?”
If he had said Shizun, that would have still been alright.
With this ‘Wan Ning’, two lives crossed.
Chu Wan Ning hugged this man’s hot and alive body under the blanket--- He had always despised and been ashamed of expressing any of the strong emotions in his heart, but at this moment, he felt that all his tension and shame were so ridiculous, so absurd.
So in this close embrace, on this narrow bed, in this empty hut, on this long, snowy night.
Chu Wan Ning said softly, “How could it be ugly? Whether you have a scar, or whether you don’t, you’re still good-looking.”
Mo Ran startled.
He had never before heard Chu Wan Ning confess so directly.
Not even that day, when he confessed while riding on the flying sword.
There was only a little firelight left in the hut, it was very quiet, and very gentle.
A belated tranquility and gentleness.
[This is a play on Wan Ning’s name; Wan = late, Ning = tranquil]
“Whether it’s in the past life, or in this life, I like you, I am willing to be with you, even in the future.”
Mo Ran listened to him speak, sentence by sentence, he couldn’t see Chu Wan Ning’s face properly, but he could imagine Chu Wan Ning’s appearance right now.
Probably, his eyes were red, even his ear tips were red.
“In the past, I knew you were parasitized but I couldn’t show it, I could only hate you…… I can finally repay it to you.” Chu Wan Ning’s face were hot, the corners of his eyes damp, “I like you, I’m willing to marry you, I’m willing to split my soul for you, I’m willing to submit to you.”
When he heard “willing to submit to you”, Mo Ran’s heart seemed to be set aflame, his whole body trembled.
He was touched, and sorrowful, pained, and yet tender.
His voice was practically quivering, “Shizun…...”
Chu Wan Ning lifted his hand and stopped him. “Listen to me finish.”
But after waiting a long while, Chu Wan Ning was after all not good at saying sweet words. He thought of a lot, but none of them seemed appropriate, none of them seemed enough.
For a moment, Chu Wan Ning really wanted to say, “I’m sorry, I let you bear too much hardship.”
He also wanted to say, “In our past lives until I left, I couldn’t honestly tell you the truth, I mistook you.”
He also wanted to say, “That year in the Red Lotus Pavilion, thank you for being willing to protect me.”
He even wanted to throw away all his pride at this moment, he wanted to cry to Mo Ran, he wanted to hold this body which had yet to lose its warmth, and say, “Please don’t go, please don’t leave.”
But his throat constricted, his heart was filled with pain.
At last, Chu Wan Ning lowered his head and kissed Mo Ran’s wound. His lashes shivered, as he said.
“Mo Ran, no matter what happened in the past, or what will happen in the future, I will always be with you.”
Embarrassment permeated his entire body.
But his words were grave.
“For my whole life I will be Taxian-jun’s, as well as Grandmaster Mo’s.”
It was too hot.
Mo Ran only felt that this flame in his arms lit up again, in his eyes fireworks bloomed, all pain and sorrow seemed to fade away at this moment.
“Both lifetimes, belong to you.”
“No regret.”
Mo Ran slowly closed his wet eyes.
At the last, he kissed Chu Wan Ning’s lips, and sighed. “...... Shizun…… Thank you.”
The snow outside fell heavier and heavier, the night turned darker and darker.
They cradled each other in their arms, thinking, so, this is the remainder of life.
Mo Ran knew that his shirt was soaked with tears, but he didn’t say anything. He had wished from young that the remainder of his life would be filled with happiness, at this time, they should at least be happy.
He held Chu Wan Ning and said, “Sleep, Wan Ning. Sleep, I’ll hold you. You’re afraid of the cold, I’ll warm you.”
“When I’m well, we’ll go back to the Peak of Life and Death together, I want to seek forgiveness from my uncle and aunt, I want to squabble with Xue Meng again…… We still have many things to do……”
He stroked Chu Wan Ning’s hair, his voice was soft.
The copper-sweet taste of blood filled his mouth, and his breathing became more and more difficult.
But he was still smiling, his expression at this time was very tranquil. “Shizun, I will carry your umbrella for you for my whole life.”
In his arms, Chu Wan Ning wept soundlessly.
“Xia-shidi……” He teased him again, he obviously could barely speak anymore, but he still teased him, “Shi-ge...... will tell you a story…… I’ll tell you a story every night, from now on…… Don’t be disdainful that Shi-ge is clumsy with words and can only, tell the story of a cow eating grass……”
At the very, very last, Mo Ran lifted his eyelids, and looked at the thick snow piled on the window sill.
The land was covered in pure white.
“Wan Ning.” He embraced him, his heartbeat echoing in Chu Wan Ning’s ear, his voice quiet, “I will always love you.”
He slowly closed his eyes, his dimples were shallow.
His heartbeat slowed little by little, becoming more and more erratic.
Suddenly, a tree branch outside the window snapped from the weight of snow piled on it, making an abrupt disturbance. The snow and tree branch fell to the ground together with a loud noise.
After this disturbance, Chu Wan Ning, could no longer hear that heartbeat in his ear.
He waited for a bit, he waited for a moment, he waited for a while, he waited for a long time.
No more sound came.
No more sound…… There was nothing……
That was a terrifying silence that chilled one to the bone.
It was a terrifying silence that made one despair for his whole life.
Final.
Still.
Silence.
The room was filled with a deathly silence, so quiet it was frightening.
After very, very long, Chu Wan Ning still didn’t move. He still lay in Mo Ran’s embrace, still lay on the bed, he didn’t even get up or lift his head, nor did he speak.
His little disciple, his Mo-Shixiong, his Taxian-jun wanted him to sleep.
He said he would carry his umbrella for him for his whole life, tell him stories for his whole life, love him for the remainder of his life.
Mo Ran said, it’s cold outside, it’s snowing heavily.
I’ll warm you.
Chu Wan Ning curled in his arms, curled against that chest which had yet to lose its warmth, and stayed unmoving.
They had to set out on their journey home tomorrow.
He had to rest properly with Mo Ran.
Chu Wan Ning reached out his arm, and wrapped it around Mo Ran’s waist.
In the black night, he said, “Fine, I’ll listen to you and sleep. …… But, tomorrow, once I call you, you have to remember to wake up.”
He pressed against that chest which no longer rose and fell, his tears soaking and warming Mo Ran’s clothes.
“You’re not allowed to sleep in.”
Good night, Mo Ran.
This night is very long, but I’ll be with you, wishing you a good dream, with fire, with light.
And home.
