#cabot thoughts

[cabot-mutt]

The urge to go at the park nearby with my snout on and to leash myself to a pole bc i'm a pup without any handler nor caregiver etc etc and I need to show people how lonely I am

Just me with my snout and mutt-eared cap, sitting in the grass as the night turns the sky grey-ish and darker.

And then a guy would see me. Maybe I'd show my teeth at first because i don't know him, maybe he doesn't like pups. He'd say "oh, you poor pup, all alone outside. Don't bare your fangs on me, you're not a bad mutt". He'd ask "what's your name, you pretty thing ?" and he'd know I'm a good boy, because a pretty thing like me can't be a girl, oh no. He'd take my leash and guide me "c'm'here pup, I'm gonna take good care of you now".

And I'd follow him I'd follow him anywhere

Because I know he would do it, he would take care of me, and feed me, and teach me just how to be. Never being alone nor lonely again.

[cabot-mutt]

[NSFW] [MDNI] [Starry - pup pics]

Night time here, feeling sleepy but uh nah puppy doesn't want to take a big nap

[cabot-mutt]

[MDNI]

Currently at a formation to get a job but I'm just scrolling on forcemasc Tumblr and getting turned on

Damn life is hard (and I would probably will be too if I had a tdick yk)

[cabot-mutt]

Something people I know IRL need to understand is: when I'm trying to dress like a character and I say whom, in my mind I am that character.

I dress like Ziggy Stardust ? Call me Ziggy. I dress like a werewolf ? I am a werewolf. Call me a beast. I dress like a gay cowboy? Call me a faggot. I dress like a Victorian vampire ? Call me a vampire. I'm gonna bite you and drink your blood if you don't believe me. Dare ? I dress like Falk Maria Schlegel ? Call me Falk. Falk is now me. I am Falk.

I.am.the.character.

Bonus: dressing like Falk at Halloween so people don't comment much as usual.

[cabot-mutt]

Feeling like shit today so vent.

Referred SH, violence, transphobia

Because family, you know ? Like, I'm not sure grandma actually got what I said when months sooner I told I was a boy and I prefered being call by Willaë instead of Deadname.

So here we are.

I love you grandma, really

I love you

But please shut the fuck up, just stop saying Deadname and wrong pronouns and shut up shut up shut up and stop talking about me and to me I KNOW I KNOW YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M NOT EATING ENOUGH I KNOW I'M NOT HAVING A JOB I KNOW I'M NOT DOING ANY MORE SPORTIVE ACTIVITY

JUST

SHUT

UP

Or I swear I'm gonna burn

burn

burn me

burn you

burn dad and mom and sister and niece and the table and the plates and the curtains and my veins and everything I can fucking burn and ruin and tear up

fucking dad and mom who know for more than 5 years what are my pronouns and don't gender me correctly, who know, they know, I know, we talked about it, we FUCKING TALKED ABOUT IT

sis who doesn't know how to act and niece a bit lost because when we're alone I tell her I prefer Willaë and that I'm a boy but nobody calls me correctly so how the fuck do you think she will get it ? she's a kid, she mirrors grown-ups, AND THOSE FUCKING GROWN-UPS DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT GENDERING ME CORRECTLY

cry cry cry in my bedroom thinking about oh self-harm, who's gonna stop me uh ? but I can't oh think about the marks on your body oh please, think about how you did it three weeks ago and it's still not fully healed from when you cut ?

you know what, draw. on your skin. and tomorrow you'll keep going

maybe still with this self-harm, though. showers too hot, not eating, walking, not sleeping, staying on phone, but at least it's invisible

yeah

gonna keep going

like we can

because we have to keep going

Note to myself: self-harm is not the right way, boy; please try quitting that

[cabot-mutt]

Ignore it's just for me

Feels like this scheme will never stop but I think we're about to get somthing more or less stable ! From hetero girl to achillean neutral man

Something like that

Heterosexual (as a girl [she/her]) → Bisexual (as a girl) → Heterosexual (as a girl) → ???? (as a boy [he/they]) → ???? (as an agender) → Gay (as an agender) → Gay (as a non binary man) → Pan (as an agender) → Pan + hypersexual (as ????) → Pan (as a masc neutral) → Achillean (as a binary trans man) → Gay (as a demi-boy) → Gay (as a binary man) → Omniromantic with preference for men + demisexual (as a ????) → Gay (as a demi-boy) → Gay + aegosexual/sex repulsed ? (as a genderfaun boy/neutral) → Achillean + hypersexual (as a genderfaun boy/neutral) → Achillean + ace questioning (as a man [he/him])

By gay I meant MLM

By hetero I meant it WLM

By bi I meant (-)LM+?

By pan I meant (-)L all

By achillean I meant it (-)LM+NB

I can see the (-)LM often comes back

I know I'm not cis, around neutral and boy or something ?

[cabot-mutt]

Sometimes there are days when I feel like I'm really being alive again [uh-huh, "I'm invincible and I can do everything I want I'm wonderful" mode is probably getting closer].

So if I focus on the positive stuff that I did yesterday, we're at a good point ! (Yeah I'm gonna ignore the negative stuff voluntarily) (and yeah this Tumblr is apparently becoming a place to write the good things in my good days)

Gender dysphoria kinda said "alright I'm not gonna be there full time today" so YES even when I wore a crop top the same color as my skin and i had absolutely no passing, I felt fine. (maybe the fact that I wore my binder a few hours before + a shirt I love helped) so, small victory 💪🏻

I've started to sew stuff on a jacket days ago (more or less a battle jacket ?) - I never sew. I'm so proud of the result and I wanted to show it to someone in my family who sews a lot, and she told me it was great and all, I was so, so glad!

I've started watching again a show I didn't watch for a while (I'm only at the 5th season on 8 seasons) and it felt in a way, very good to get back into the characters stuff and all. It's House MD, by the way. I've also calculated that if I watch around 2 and a half episode per day, I can finish it before the end of the week, but I think I'm not gonna do it, so maybe the next week

AND THE BEST WAS: I dug a big hole in the sand at the beach just with my hands for like 40 minutes (under the sun, around 33°C). And, like, I don't know why but however my mood is, when we go to the beach and I dig a hole, I feel like ✨ gender euphoria ✨. Like, yup, I'm digging it by myself, I'm so strong hehe (no, in reality I struggle doing a pushup). Bonus: it was very funny in my head because it made me think about Wind Rose's song "Diggy Diggy Hole" (dwarf metal).

[cabot-mutt]

What's a dream you've had that you haven't achieved yet?

Oh. Hi. And... what a question.

That's a good one, actually. I'm not sure what to answer to that. Do you mean it in a way a dream I still have ? Or one I don't have anymore but that I had ?

I'm not sure so I'm gonna answer both, just in case.

So. I dream I have and not achieved yet ? Maybe doing a road trip with some of my friends (hi Octopus, you're probably gonna read that). Or alone. And turn off my phone while doing it. Just... Kinda, I don't know, live ? Enjoy ? A bit ? But it's a bit of something that can't happen, you know. I don't have a car, not enough money, not enough stability etc... But I'd like to do a big road trip, while being happy, on T/top-surgery done, while being able to appreciate things around, not bothering anyone, just being a random guy anywhere in my country or the countries nearby.

And if it's a dream I had but not anymore... uh, a lot ? Let's being reasonable and saying "knowing at least 6 or 7 languages and being able to write, read, speak/sign them fluently" (tbh today I'm only fluent in French, not so bad in English, but that's all. I started learning other languages but I stopped so I kind of lost most of it... (German, LSF...)). I also wanted to be fluent in ASL, BSL, Dutch, Esperanto, eventually Spanish or Italian... But I'm too lazy haha

I hope it answers your question, thank you for asking 🌿