Itâs strange what memories pull you back when you hang out with friends for the first time in 2 years...
cam is married. to kelsey, of course. theyâve basically been married since we were undergrads, but today i got to witness them exchange vows and rings, and dance to music that was played by an untalented deejay. alas, thatâs neither here nor there.
tears welled in my eyes when kelseyâs talked about cam in her vows. for everything she said, i had a memory in my mind to associate with the truth in her words. noble. kind. compassionate. daring. funny. relentlessly loyal. his vows were just as adoring for kelsey, and i called from my memory every time cam brought her and their relationship up, so subtly, when we were coords.
i felt withdrawn during the cocktail hour, then during dinner, then while we were dancing. i was reunited with angie (#gurlcoords4ever) and i knew i missed her, but i didnât know how deeply until i hugged her. i met her new boo and got to know him over 4 hours between her asking me for updates about my life: did i have a partner? am i applying to grad school this year.. finally? howâs home? how are my sisters (theyâre so big now!)? how are you?
âyouâre going to get such good letters of rec.â
âyou can do it, djen. you just gotta do it.â
âyouâre gonna be great. youâre gonna be the best in your program.â
we missed hansen. heâs in 3rd year rotations because, holy shit, heâs gonna be a doctor. heâs doing obgyn right now. i remember when he would come in to our coord meetings with stacks of mcat study books... i remember when he told us he was going to retake the exams. i remember how pride i felt when he told me he was going to ucsf.
last hug. âok, but seriously, we need to hang out more often. when are we going to hang out???â angie gestured towards me and said âsheâs responsible for texting hansen because yes we need to hang out.â i agreed and made a promise we would. i gave him one last hug and whispered âcongratulationsâ, and it felt eerily familiar.
we got to our cars and i hugged angie before getting into my car begrudgingly because i didnât want to leave. i had driven a dark, windy, rural road for 1.2 miles when i felt the tears and realization sting me.
in 2013, i made a fierce group of friends who supported me unconditionally:
angie, while stubborn and unrelenting, saw through my bullshit. she didnât let me say no to myself, and she was always quick to check me and my self-deprecating nature.
cameron, though goofy and sometimes blasĂ©, was unapologetically and fiercely compassionate for his friends. he broke my laptop screen (never gonna forget that golfcart story) and never let me feel that he wasnât sorry about it. he assured me, during one of my darkest moments, that i am worthy of love and recognition. his i love you, djen-s are still my favorites.
and hansen. oh, hansen. one of my first loves. the softest, most loving being in my life... albeit aloof. he never let me forget the best parts of myself, and was always quick to make sure i was supported.
idk. sometimes itâs so easy for me to feel that everyone and everything is moving forward, while i remain stagnant. itâs easy for me to assure others of the contrary, but so difficult for me to do for myself. camâs married. hansenâs almost halfway through becoming a doctor. angie starts a new job on monday and is happy and fulfilling her wanderlust and iâm just so happy for her. for all of them.
i realized what made me emotional when i left. i didnât realize how empty it was to not have these people in my life. so iâll sit here and type out my feelings and figure out how to thank each of these angels that God graced me with. iâm incredibly grateful that, though they may not know it, theyâve continued to inspire me to be unapologetically, unrelentingly, and fiercely me.
thank you, friends. i love you.