the Love Cafe @ Cal

Welcome! The Love Cafe is the perfect blend of talk about everything. From advice, articles, and information on friends, family, and flings, The Cafe has it all. So pull up a seat, grab a cup, take a sip, and start reading.

[thelovecafe]

We’ve moved! We will no longer be updating this page with blogs. 

Continue reading our blog and asking your anonymous questions here: https://uhs.berkeley.edu/lovecafe

[thelovecafe]

"There's this guy I really like, so I asked him to go to a concert with me. He said he would really like to, but was unable to go. He said though that we could "meet up" another time if I wanted, and asked me to grab coffee and chat with him next week. I just am not sure if he knows that when I asked him to the concert, I was asking him on a date. I only ask because I feel like "grabbing coffee" could be just hanging out as friends, or possibly more. Am I overthinking it?"

I think the idea of grabbing coffee could totally be interpreted as a date too! It all depends on their preferences and ideals when it comes to romantic situations. Some people prefer to stick to the archetype of dinner and a movie or another typical date, but some people, myself included, like to do casual things to take the pressure off. I think it’s best to try to not overthink the situation, allow yourself to go with the flow, and try to enjoy the time you spend together either way. Especially in college, we’re all kind of busy, so we have to try to make the most of the time we have to date, whatever that may look like.

Also, I feel that the fact that he took the opportunity to hang out despite not being able to go to the concert with you is a great sign, it shows that he wants to make sure that you know that he has an interest in spending time with you, whether that be in a platonic or amorous context. I feel that right now, the best move you can make is to get some face-to-face time and use that to help inform you about his intentions. I think that it’s a little too early to have one of those “what are your intentions” conversations, but that could definitely be a possibility if his intentions are still unclear after several hang-outs.

Justin

Hi there!First off, good for you for taking the initiative to ask him out like that! I agree with you, he might not have understood your concert offer as a possible date, but the fact that he wants to meet up and do something with you is a good sign! If you're really interested in him, then accept his invitation for coffee and once you meet up, give him signs that you would like for the friendship to become something more. Tell him you're interested in doing dinner and a movie (which is a pretty clear date) or if you want to be even more straightforward, tell him that you like him! Either way, you'll be glad that you made you intentions clear and that you can stop worrying about whether or not he understands what you want.Good Luck!

Simran

Hello! Ah, the ambiguity of simple questions. From what I can tell, he seems to be interested in hanging out with you. Questions can be tricky, sometimes. Keep in mind that you asking him to go to a concert could very well be translated as a friendly gesture, too. Based on personal experiences, when a someone asks you out for coffee, it could mean that he/she/they/etc are interested. I think the best way to go about this situation is to directly ask him on a date (if you're still interested, that is) the next time you grab coffee with him. Then, you might have a clearer understanding of where your friendship or relationship lies. One thing that I immediately thought upon reading your question was, "Well, he did not go to the concert, but he sure did suggest another time to meet up." Go for the coffee chat and see if he is interested. Instead of pondering too much on this, just be bold and ask if he would like to go on a date. There is nothing to lose ;)

Angela

[thelovecafe]

"I'm homesick. My family, friends, dog (CoCo- she's a chocolate lab!) and all support systems are back home in SoCal so I've been feeling really lonely since coming to Cal. I have made a few friends but no one that I really feel connected to. I'm about to end my first year but seriously thinking about transferring to a school closer to home. I would love to graduate from Cal but don't know if it's worth the risk of loneliness or my mental health for the next 3 years. What should I do?"

Hello! 

College can be daunting for many people. Going to a large institution not knowing anyone can be tough, but know that you're not alone. Cal is a huge university and there are hundred of people to meet. I would suggest looking into clubs and organizations. Join a community that have similar interests as you. Like you, I came to Cal disliking my first semester because I had felt lonely, but I found it much easier to make connections when I joined clubs. Last year, I joined Cal's Dragon Boat Team and met so many awesome people. Whether it'd be a sports team or a service organization, there are tons of possibilities to choose from. Don't be discouraged, because making meaningful connections just takes time. Opening yourself up more and trying new things also helps. Discover a new hobby; join a dance team. You're bound to meet eclectic souls everywhere on campus. Since you have a dog yourself, perhaps you should check out Paws and Claws of UC Berkeley. I believe they visit the animal shelter from time to time. Maybe you can meet people with a common interest while playing with adorable animals! I would say give it one last go. Give Cal another semester and see how you like it from there. BUT, one piece of advice is go into the next semester with the new perspective of "I'm going to enjoy Cal and make the most out of it. There's always the possibility of meeting someone I can totally click with, but I just have to keep trying." 

Best of luck! You're going to do great. 

Angela

Hi there! 

Almost everyone at Berkeley can relate to the feeling of homesickness. And I especially can relate to the difficulty of making real friendships with connections here at Berkeley. About halfway through the second semester of my freshman year it started to bother me that I had so many acquaintances and not so many friends. What helped me deal with the homesickness was scheduling weekly time to call my relatives and scheduling trips back home weeks in advance so I could have something to look forward to. Making those real connections might be a bit more difficult, however I have two suggestions. Invest a little time in some of you're friendships and see if there's any real chance that a strong connection might develop. Also, if all of you're acquaintances are people from your clubs/extracurriculars maybe try hanging out with people you live near or people in your classes. A strong friendship can come from anywhere in your social sphere! If these suggestions don't work to you AND you feel your mental health declining, that's a good time to consider whether or not a move back down to SoCal might be beneficial or not.

Good Luck,Simran

[thelovecafe]

My parents yelled at me for getting below the mean on a couple of midterms. How do I convince them that the classes are really hard and that I’m doing my best?

First of all, you are doing your best and putting in the effort and that itself deserves to be commended for. Classes in Berkeley are really competitive and sometimes, the test scores are dependent on prior knowledge or exposure in high school. If you are having trouble in the class, maybe try going to the SLC (Student Learning Center) where there is tutoring available or going to GSI/Professor office hours. Since you are trying your best, try to find out what the problem is in connected to the material or maybe it is just test taking strategies you need improvement on. Explain to your parents that you are doing all that you can and that you are seeking additional academic support. Hopefully they understand after some breathing room and can support you in finding a study strategy. Best of luck! You got this! -Rowena

I feel that perhaps your parents do not understand one key thing: Berkeley is not high school anymore. Although you probably hear this often, I feel like it is important for me to restate this again. Berkeley is an incredible school, but it is also an incredibly competitive school. Berkeley is filled with valedictorians, the 2400’s, etc. On top of this, the challenging materials and exams force you to truly think through them. Try explaining to your parents your circumstances as well as how hard you are trying. Let them know if you are doing any extracurricular or looking into any new things. Hopefully, they will come around. Hope this helps! Best of luck, darling. –Jami

[thelovecafe]

Help! I think my roommate is eating my food. We shop separately and I've been noticing lately that my snacks are disappearing faster than I am able to eat them. I'm not sure how to bring this up because I don't wanna get into an argument but I can't keep wasting money on snacks I'm not eating. Any advice?

Hi there! We've all been through this semi-awkward situation before: your roommate borrows/uses/eats something of yours and you don't really want that happening. You definitely don't want to start a huge fight with your roommate over some snacks, so I wouldn't make a huge deal about it. I would suggest casually saying something like "Do you mind if I put all of my snacks on this side of the cupboard/fridge? I don't want to mix our food up." Or move your snacks to a place that is clearly only for your food, like a separate cupboard or drawer in your fridge. That should give her a hint that you don't want her eating your food and that you don't plan on eating her food either. Good Luck!

Simran 

Hello! This doesn't sound too good. I think the best way to go about fixing this problem is to just confront your roommate in a mature manner. The only way to prevent this from happening is to let your roommate know that you do not appreciate what he or she is doing. Sometimes, you just have to voice that concern of yours ;) The next time you buy snacks, you can also tell them to ask you if they ever want a snack of yours. If you're not entirely sure/have proof that it's your roommate who's consuming all of your goodies, just lightheartedly ask him or her if they happen to know where all of your snacks are going. If he or she is actually the one eating them but are denying it because they are embarrassed, at least your roommate now know that you are aware of what's happening. It's better to bring up any concerns because you don't want to keep buying snacks and have them disappear before your eyes. Go for it and ask nicely. Good luck! 

Angela

If you're more of the passive-aggressive type,you could start off by casually mentioning that your snacks are missing around them and comment on how annoying it is. Hopefully they get the hint. You can take the passive-aggression even further by writing your name on all your groceries.     But if they're dense/apathetic or you don't have a label-maker? It's time to confront your roommate, but first make sure there's no other possible explanations for your food to go missing (an example would be if a friend of yours took snacks) to avoid an embarrassing situation that could really damage your relationship with him/her. When you talk to your roommate about the issue, stay calm and non-judgemental; they're never going to admit they've been taking your snacks if they feel attacked. Focusing on the affordability concern (instead of their rudeness) is a good way to do this.    Another option is to never mention your snack-thief suspicions to him/her, but suggest that the two of you share/split groceries. Alternatively, you could hide your food, but this seems like a sad way to live in your own home. It's best to just talk to your roommate about your concerns! Communication is very important!     I hope this helps! Good luck!

Vini

[thelovecafe]

So I was dating a guy from high school for around 8-9 months. We really loved and cared for each other, and we dated throughout the school year, the summer before college, and a little bit into freshman year of college. We argued a little too much, and we ended on good terms. Obviously I was still very sad and vulnerable, so a few days after the breakup, I decided to go party and drink a lot. I ended up hooking up with a random guy and drunk texted my ex about it. He still hasn't forgiven me.

I'm assuming that the "he" who hasn't forgiven you is your ex, and what I really want to know is what he should be forgiving you for in the first place. You didn't do anything wrong or unethical! There's nothing wrong with partying and hooking up as long as you do it safely, within your limits, and not as an emotional crutch. And about your ex judging you; well he's your ex for a reason. It's great that you guys parted on good terms, but you're not obligated to keep him or his negative opinions in your life if it hurts or upsets you. I hope you're feeling better about the breakup now, and please take care of yourself! Good luck!

-Vini

If you’re still feeling like this situation is taking up a lot of space in your head, that’s perfectly normal. It can be hard to move on from something when there’s currently bad blood thrown into the mix. If you’re interested in repairing your relationship with this person, I would advise you to try communicating the feelings that brought you to text him the thing that you did. Though his negative feelings towards you may go on despite explaining yourself, it will at least provide him with context to the situation, and possibly initiate the process of forgiving you. Sometimes allowing for time to pass can also help to calm things down as well, so if he doesn’t seem open to forgiveness at this moment in time, give him some space and time, and try approaching the situation again in the near future once his feelings have calmed down.

In the meantime, when deciding the appropriate way to proceed, I recommend trying to reconcile your feelings about the situation. Sometimes, when we do something that could be seen as morally wrong, we mentally beat ourselves up about it until we’ve reconciled the situation with whoever we’ve hurt. Sometimes we can’t rely on others to forgive us, but in order to move on and continue living our lives healthily and happily, we have to do the forgiving for them. Instead of thinking about what you did wrong, think about what you can learn and take away from this situation, and how you can bring these experiences into your next relationships to help you navigate them in a healthier way. I remember when I cheated on my ex-boyfriend, it took me forever to move on from it because he, rightfully, refused to forgive me for what I did. For the longest time my headspace was perpetually occupied by hateful thoughts towards myself. But at a certain point I decided that it just wasn’t productive anymore to beat myself up, and the best way to reconcile was to learn from the experience, and take those lessons into my future relationships so that I don’t repeat the same mistake.

Also – make sure to take care of yourself during this time. Practicing self love and self care by taking time to enjoy yourself and your day-to-day activities can help to expedite the healing process as well.

Hope this helps! 

Justin

Hello! This is definitely a sticky situation, but what's done is done. Breakups are never wanted and someone always gets hurt. Feeling sad and vulnerable is normal! It might take your ex some time to forgive you. Keep in mind that your breakup was relatively recently and the wound is still fresh. I understand your decision to party in efforts of trying to get your mind off of the breakup, but alcohol has its sneaky downfalls! If your relationship/friendship with your ex means a great deal to you, then I would suggest taking things slowly. You can't regain his trust immediately. It will take some time for him to accept your actions because he might be hurt by them. Don't overthink the situation and worry too much. You two are already broken up, and from what I understand, you are trying to sustain a friendship after the breakup. Ensure that he knows that you truly did not intend to hurt him. It's up to you if you want to explain to him how vulnerable and sad you were, but it's also dependent on him if he wants to forgive and let it go. Do what you can do now and if he doesn't positively reciprocate, then it's best to move on and not spend so much emotional energy on it. If he wants you in his life, even as a friend, he'll eventually come to forgive you. Only time can tell at this point. Best of luck!

Angela

Hi there! I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. After a loving relationship ends, most people tend to feel vulnerable and that vulnerability can cause us to do things we might regret later (so just know that you're not the only one who has gone through this!). I think in this case it's important to look at things from your ex-boyfriend's perspective. He was most likely also feeling vulnerable after the break-up, and then to hear that his ex had hooked up with someone else so soon might have made him feel even worse. In this case I think time is going to be your friend. I think it's okay for him to work out his feelings about the break-up and everything that happened after on his own, and on his own time. Rushing him to forgive you and move on from the relationship will make things more uncomfortable for both of you. Give him time to cope with what's going on and then reach out and communicate with him clearly about what happened and why you did it.Good Luck! Simran

[thelovecafe]

That out of control drunk friend you don’t want to babysit again…

My friends and I went to a concert but someone in our group got carried away with the drinking. Because we care about his safety we told him he couldn’t come out with us again unless he learns to control himself. He got offended and it’s frustrating. What should we do?

Ah, that friend that gets a bit too drunk that it’s annoying and embarrassing … Was it a one time thing? or does it happen consistently? Sometimes, people do get carried away when they are still learning their limits and unfortunately will have one of those nights. Or sometimes something deeper (relationship problems, grades, social pressures, etc) is pushing them to drink a ship ton of alcohol. Kudos to you and your group for taking care of your friend. Regardless, we all need to know how to handle this drunk friend so that we can be less worried, and have more fun next time:

1. Tell ‘em like it is. Be Honest and Specific. Your experiences and feelings are valid! OWN THEM. It will probably go something like, “hey last night I got worried about you when you [insert annoying out of control drunk behavior here], and I did my best to take care of you. However, I didn’t really get to enjoy the concert during that time.”

2. Be Selfish. So what if you don’t invite them next time. You’re not “punishing” them. Instead of framing the conversation around them and their future behavior, you can simply frame it around you. YOU are making sure that YOU are going to have the most fun this time. And if that means a night without them, then so be it. But if they are insistent that they want to go …

3. Maybe they need new party buddies. People party and get drunk at different levels. If this overly-drunk level is a pattern for your friend, then maybe you should suggest that they go with other people [who party just as hard as they do]. Party buddies are less annoying when you are all at the same level.

4. Know the signs of intoxication (updated!)

5. Do they need help? Of course there is the concern of alcohol misuse. This is a tricky thing to traverse. If you are concerned about your friend’s use, come in to talk to a specialist who will help you figure out the best approach. To schedule a confidential appointment, call Social Services at 510-642-6074 .

[thelovecafe]

Every time we get into a fight, my boyfriend threatens to break up with me. Is he doing this so I say sorry and he wins the fight, or does he really not want to be in a relationship with me anymore because of our fights?

Hello! Thanks for your question. Check out the blog post from last Friday (2.10.17) for a response to your question. Thanks.

[thelovecafe]

What exactly is a casual relationship?

Hi! Check out our latest blog post for an answer to your question :)

[thelovecafe]

"What exactly is a casual relationship?"

So, in my opinion, the term “casual” is supposed to be open to interpretation, much like a casual relationship is. It can mean a plethora of things, but generally the term casual is used to refer to something that’s low-commitment and freer of expectations than a monogamous relationship. I think when defining a “casual” relationship with a partner, it is important to clarify expectations in order to avoid misunderstandings that can breed resentment. For some people, casual may mean that you have multiple partners, for others it can mean a “friends with benefits” type of situation. All relationships are different, and they vary based on the people in them and their expectations going into the relationship. Make sure that your expectations with someone align before defining something as “casual” or “serious,” that way you won’t have to ask the “so… what are we” question that everyone lowkey dreads.

Justin

Hi there! Let me just start off by saying that your question can have many different answers depending on who you ask...Therefore I find it best to disclose any biases I have before I give you an answer.I'm a college-age female who tends to have a slight bias against "casual" relationships, just because I've seen friends and peers have their feelings hurt because of so-called "casual relationships." I view casual relationships as relationships in which one (or more) party has no interest in defining the extent of the relationship and is happy in going on dates/"hooking up" when they please. I believe that casual relationships ultimately have more "freedom" but less security. However, I also believe that casual relationships can be beneficial if you're just entering the dating pool or you're not ready for a serious commitment. I hope that helps!

Simran

Hello! This question is definitely one of the more complicated ones. More and more people are having casual relationships nowadays, but there are still a ton of talk around what the relationship actually entails. I was/currently in a casual relationship myself. From what I am experiencing, a casual relationship is one that involves two individuals that are physically attracted to each other but neither wants to be labeled as each other's significant other. There is no emotional attachment or expectations attached to this type of relationship. Honestly, it's a really grey area. It's the type of relationship where you spend time with this person because you enjoy their comfort, presence, and physical well-being. However, this CAN get messy. One person might start to develop emotions because of the amount of time spent together, but remember that the two of you are not actually in a relationship. He or she can choose to stop being more than friends whenever they want. The easiest way I can put it is: a casual relationship is one that involves casual sex (with no feelings attached) or a near-sexual relationship without the typical commitments that tag along with being in a relationship. Oh! There's also little to no romance involved. This type of relationship requires a tremendous amount of communication to ensure that both parties are content and respected. I hope this clarified things a little!

Angela

[thelovecafe]

"Every time we get into a fight, my boyfriend threatens to break up with me. Is he doing this so I say sorry and he wins the fight, or does he really not want to be in a relationship with me anymore because of our fights?"

Hi there!Let me just start off by saying that I can understand this predicament all too well. My own boyfriend used to do this all the time! I think the best thing to do is to approach him (at a time when you two aren't fighting) and tell him that when he threatens to break up with you, it hurts you. Then calmly ask him why he does it at all. My boyfriend said he did it because saying something drastic like that was just him venting his frustration about our fights. Another possible explanation might be that your boyfriend feels that without that threat, the fight will never end! Communication is key here, just be sure to pick a time when you're both in a good place.

Good luck,Simran 

This may be tough to hear, but I need to be honest with you: Your boyfriend's threats sound like a form of psychological manipulation. He may be using these threats to blow off your legitimate opinions and concerns, or to try to control your thoughts and actions. Fights and arguments are to be expected in any relationship, and the way they're resolved determine how healthy and strong the relationship is. If he can't have a civil,productive discussion with you without resorting to blackmail, then there's definitely something wrong. You should check out this link. If you're a UC Berkeley student, talk to a counselor at Tang (every student gets 5 free visits,whether you have SHIP or not) about your situation and get professional help and advice. Here's a link to the appointment page. Another resource you can use is http://www.thehotline.org/. If you call their number at 1-800-799-7233 , you can speak to a trained advocate. I hope this helps! Good luck! 

Vini

  Hello! Fights are bound to occur in relationships. Good relationships have their small arguments, too! However, it's not fights that are ending relationships, per say, it's more of how people communicate their concerns and tackle these problems. Your boyfriend's comments about breaking up does not necessarily mean he does not want a relationship anymore. He could very well just be fed up with having to bicker. Find a middle ground and talk things out instead of fighting. I'm not sure what your "fights" are like, but having a civil conversation voicing concerns in the relationship is much more productive than yelling at the top of your lungs! Sit down and have a serious talk before making rash decisions and really ask your boyfriend if he really wants to break up. Honestly, no one will know what your man is thinking aside from himself, so consider asking him if he means what he says. Honesty is key in a relationship and so is communication. Find the root cause of this fights and cut it immediately through efficient means of communication instead of fights. From my experience (if you find yourself being the person to bring up the problems) I have also realized that it's not worth fighting over small things that seem to annoy you all the time because everyone functions differently; ask yourself if this person brings you happiness more than they do annoyance. Do the positives outweigh the negatives? Have a talk with your boyfriend and see what he's thinking! Good-luck & don't be afraid to share your opinions with your significant other :)

Angela

[thelovecafe]

"I started dating this girl last semester and I really like her. We get along great, she is very supportive, she's intelligent, and she makes me laugh which is a bonus. The thing is we have different political views on some issues happening in the world right now and can get into heated debates. I often walk away feeling like she doesn't understand the reality of social justice needs in this country and consider removing her from my life. Are political views worth ending things over or are there better ways that we can work things out?"

Hi there!

I'm glad to hear you found an amazing girl! Meeting someone supportive, intelligent, and with a similar sense of humor is always a great thing. Because last year was an election year, this country saw people with a wide range of political views fiercely debating a number of topics, including social justice. No matter the topic and no matter the relationship you have with the other person, I think the most important thing you can do is to be empathetic. Your girlfriend may hold her political views because of her parents' and grandparents' views, her religious views, her past experiences, gender, sexual orientation, etc. There's hundreds of possible reasons for why she might hold political views that differ from your own. I can confidently state that if she likes you as much as you like her, she doesn't hold those views just for the sake of arguing with you. I believe that while it may be hard, you should always respect what a person has been through and think about why they feel a certain way. Try that next time you get into a heated discussion with her. As the relationship goes on and you learn more about it, empathizing will definitely get easier. If you find that in a couple of months (or years) you two are simply too different, then maybe call it off then. But for now, I'd stick it out a little while instead of rushing into a break-up. Good luck!

Simran 

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This is my personal opinion and I stand by it firmly with respect to how I live my life, but that doesn’t mean that it’s right for your life specifically. If someone is in line with the opinions of Donald Trump, and if those political views contradict who you are as a person and how you live your life based on your life experiences and your background, I think it’s totally valid to end that relationship. I think in this specific political climate, the issues that are being talked about aren’t the kind that can be ignored or brushed off as a slight disagreement. The issues coming into play recently are crucial to the livelihood and survival of people all over the country. I do feel that letting issues like this exist in a relationship can breed toxicity if left unaddressed, so either try opening up a dialogue where you two can express how you feel about your differing ideologies, or take the space you need from this individual.  It’s definitely better to take some form of communicative action than to let your issues with this person’s beliefs manifest in other ways that can be not as productive.

Justin

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There are tons of couples where both people have opposing views, so you definitely can make it work if you want it enough, through empathizing with each other's positions, using humor, making sure your debates are free of name-calling or personal attacks, or just avoiding controversial topics all together.    If her views make you feel unsafe, and/or you find them so abhorrent that you lose respect for her, then you definitely should consider calling it quits. Relationships are based on mutual respect, and if she holds views that disrespects your identities and/or you lose respect for her based on her opinions, it's not healthy. Vini

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Hello! 

Arguments and small debate are bound to happen in any type of relationship. You might not agree with her political views and she might not either. However, you can weigh out the pros and cons in this relationship. Is it doing you more good than harm? Is it causing you stress? For a relationship to work and last, you must be happy, too! I would suggest to try talking things out and see what her opinion is before making any hasty decisions. Like you said, especially with all of the current events taking place now, these debates might be placed in the spotlight. Can you two put aside your differences and still work well together as a couple? Every relationship is different, and the way you and this girl interact with each other will be as well. If the conversations are civil and respectful, I would think about how content and comfortable you are being in the relationship. If you are constantly overthinking about it and stressing out, then I would suggest reconsidering what you would like to see her as--whether it be a friend or someone more than that. Removing her from your life is an option, but in my opinion, is leaning towards the extreme side of handling with this situation. It is also helpful to view this situation in the perspective that as humans, we have developed and learned to think uniquely many ways. Differences of political views, preferences, religion, etc., will always arise, but it boils down to whether or not these differences are negatively affecting you. Perhaps, if dating doesn't work out, then stay friends? Definitely communicate with your partner so you both can find the best solution to this problem. Good-luck!

Best, Angela

[thelovecafe]

"My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years and even though I really care about him, I think I'm interested in seeing other people. He's great but I'm starting to wonder what I may be missing out on. Any advice?"

What do you think you're missing out on? I would recommend thinking hard about what you feel you're missing from your life and what you want--is it something you can get in your current relationship? Is the reason you've started to wonder about other options because you're genuinely curious, or because there's issues in your current relationship? If it's the latter, are these problems solvable or not?  If you feel like you're forcing yourself to stay in this relationship, then you should definitely end it, because it's not fair to you or your boyfriend. Don't worry too much about letting a good person go; it doesn't matter how great he is if the relationship's not working out for you.                     I hope this helps! Good luck!

Vini

Hi there! First off, let me just say congrats on finding a great guy and making it work for 3 years! That's a solid amount of time! It's great that you care about him and it's also great that you've acknowledged the fact that there might be something that you're missing out on (many people in stable relationships might be afraid to acknowledge that).  Let me start by asking why you might feel like you are missing out on something. Are some of your friends entering new relationships? Has your relationship fallen into a routine that isn't as exciting as it used to be?If you answered yes to either of the questions, I can understand where you're coming from. When you're in a long-term relationship and you see your friends entering into new and exciting relationships, you can feel sort of jealous. Also, after a couple years together with someone, you may start to get a little bored because you think you've learned everything there is to learn about your significant other or that you've tackled every exciting relationship milestone. In these cases, if you still are truly in love with your boyfriend and enjoy being with him, I urge you to maybe try spicing up your relationship before cutting things off with a guy you think is great. If you genuinely think that you may be happier with another person or that your current relationship is no longer making you happy, then I would consider talking to your boyfriend and voicing the fact that you are interested in seeing other people. No matter what you choose to do, I think the first step should be to analyze why you might want to see other people and then take it from there. Good luck, Simran

Hi there! Relationships might very well be one of the most complicated things to deal with in life. They can be absolutely amazing, but every relationship experiences hard times. Dedicating yourself to someone for 3 years is a long time and during this relationship, you've probably learned each other's ways and small habits. It is definitely normal to feel like you want something new and exciting. First, have you sat down and really thought about your relationship with your boyfriend? What does this relationship mean to you? How much does he mean to you? Like I had mentioned before, it's normal to want to see other people, but it is also important to evaluate why you got into the relationship in the first place. Also, it would be helpful to question what happens after meeting someone new? Would the feeling of "I might still be missing out" still be in the back of your mind? Focus on what, or rather who, you have now and really ponder on whether or not the relationship is worth letting go. If you feel unhappy and want to explore the open ocean, then do as you please! ;) Make things clear with your boyfriend if you decide to break it off because it may be difficult for him, too. Just a heads up, if you don't happen to find someone you click with, don't expect to be able to run back to your boyfriend. Give yourself some alone time to think about this; weight out the pros and cons. This isn't an easy decision, especially since this a 3 year relationship! Sure, there are many fish in the sea, but is the one you're hooked on worth staying with? These are just some questions that you can ask yourself before deciding on anything. I wish you the best of luck. Remember, your happiness is #1 and whatever your choice may be, I'm sure your partner would respect it :)

Angela

In my experience, most bumps in a relationship can be successfully worked out through opening up a dialogue. You don’t necessarily have to start the conversation with something like, “I think I want to see other people,” but preferably, by stating your concerns regarding missing out on certain aspects of life, and therefore creating an option to work things out, rather than just ending things there on the spot. By approaching the conversation in this way, you can also give him the space to state any concerns he may be having as well. Maybe he’s feeling the same way that you do. If you’re looking to possibly maintain the relationship while exploring things outside of it while you’re here in college, consider the possibility of opening up the relationship to other partners. Open relationships aren’t for everyone, but they do work well for certain relationships depending on your communication style. If you’re interested in exploring the topic of open relationships, check out the videos I’ve attached below to help provide some background!

“Are Open Relationships OK?” – Laci Green and Davey Wavey https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8g_kCSQOa4

“2 Boyfriends?” – Laci Greenhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNuzKP9Mb_M

“Should I Be in an Open Relationship?”https://www.bustle.com/articles/27119-should-i-be-in-an-open-relationship-the-dos-and-donts-of-non-monogamy

A relationship model is different for everyone. Start things off by opening up a dialogue, you’d be surprised how far that can take you in terms of figuring out your mutual goals and desires. If, for whatever reason, the idea of an open relationship is appealing to you, check out those resources I linked. However, some of them try to define what an open relationship is, and I want you to keep in mind that that is for you to decide for yourself based off of what you and your partner want/are comfortable with.

Also, if you’d like to hash this situation out with someone and try practicing techniques to open up a dialogue, check out the Sexual Health Education Program through the Tang Center, they’re a really great group of sexual health educators that have a drop-in clinic in Health Promotion (the 2nd floor of the Tang Center) every Friday from 12-3pm, and they could totally help you process your thoughts and feelings surrounding this topic/any topic relating to sexual health!

Justin

[thelovecafe]

Spending break with Boyfriend Instead of Parents?

I wanted to spend time with my long distance boyfriend that lives out of state. My school schedule is packed and the only time I have to fly to his school is Thanksgiving break. Out of nowhere, I booked a ticket to where he lives instead of back home. I didn’t think too much about it at the time. I told my parents that I had a lot of studying to do over Thanksgiving break and I won’t be able to go home. Now, I feel really bad about it, because every time I call home my parents seem really sad. Now I’m really starting to regret my decision. But, I bought a nonreturnable ticket and I don’t have the money to buy another one. I feel like a terrible daughter. What should I do?

First, you are not a terrible daughter!  However, I am afraid this decision is really up to you.  If you really want to see your family, try doing research about your flight; maybe you can get a gift card instead so you can use it at another time (I heard flights like Southwest do that).  If you absolutely cannot get your money back, then ask yourself if you would feel comfortable letting your ticket go.  You need to decide who you want to see more, your family or your boyfriend.  Also, be honest with your boyfriend for I am sure he will understand.  If you want to see your boyfriend this Thanksgiving, I would be honest with your parents and describe to them the situation. If you feel too uncomfortable doing this, then just learn from your mistakes! Next time, don’t put yourself in this situation by being honest with your parents or don’t be as rash about purchasing a nonrefundable ticket.  There are more Thanksgivings to come, so do not get so worked up about this situation!Hope this helps! Good luck!! –Lauren

We all make mistakes and we often only begin to understand our mistakes in retrospect. If you can’t return your ticket or buy a new one, I think the best thing you can do is to make the most of your current situation. Skype or call your parents often during Thanksgiving. Tell them how much they mean to you and how much you wish you could have been there. Be sincere, loving, and appreciative. I’m sure your parents would feel better. Study hard, enjoy your Thanksgiving, and go home during Winter Break. Hope this helps! Best of luck, darling.– Jami

[thelovecafe]

"I'm going to be around campus for the Thanksgiving holiday. This is my first year at Cal and away from home. What should I expect? What is there to do?"

Hi there! Unfortunately, I'm a Bay Area native so I've never had to spend a thanksgiving/winter/spring break on campus. However, I've had a lot of out-of-state friends or even friends from SoCal who chose to spend the Thanksgiving holiday at Cal! From their experiences I can tell you to expect a couple of things. 

First, be prepared for most campus-related places to be closed on Thanksgiving Day itself. The dining halls, certain classrooms and libraries, etc. Make sure before you go somewhere that the location will be open. And that goes for non-campus related places too! Don't go all the way to a certain bookstore in SF or a cool cafe in San Jose just to realize that it's closed! Second, make sure you find out who else is staying on campus! No one wants to spend the entire break alone. Sure, sleeping in and watching TV in your quiet dorm/apartment may be fun the first two days, but use the free time you'll have to hang out with someone else you know is staying in Berkeley. Also, from growing up around the Bay I know that there will be plenty to do! Almost every county in the Bay has at least one Turkey Trot 5K going on. If you're interested in fitness or if you just want to burn some calories before feasting that night, then try to sign up for one of those runs. Also, Black Friday has become a huge deal around America and plenty of malls will be having sales right here in the Bay, too. Bay Street in Emeryville, Westfield in SF, Stoneridge in Pleasanton, and Broadway Plaza in Walnut Creek are all relatively close shopping centers you may want to visit! No matter what you decide to do or where you decide to go, remember to be safe. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Simran

I'm sorry you're unable to spend Thanksgiving away from family. I know it's hard but hold on! This year, my family is traveling abroad, so I'm stuck in Berkeley, too. At first, I felt down because I had realized it was my first Thanksgiving away from home as well, but I decided I would make the best of it. I took it upon myself to invite people that are also staying in Berkeley to have a Friendsgiving. Thanksgiving is the time of year where you're not only thankful for family, but also the amazing people in your community! Due to the costly airplane tickets and sold-out bus rides, there are quite a good number of people staying near campus this year. Perhaps, you could plan your own Friendsgiving! :) Invite a few people over that are in the same situation as you. Expect Berkeley to be a tad quiet, but the Thanksgiving feels will still be present! There might be fewer cars and students j-walking on the streets. Most of the shops might be closed on Thanksgiving Day, so if you're planning to cook up a feast, make sure you buy the food beforehand! Other than that, it will still be the same ol' Berkeley. 

Some things you can do include:                                                                         1) Pay It Forward: Volunteer to serve an amazing dinner to those that are in worse situations than we are. They have open soup kitchens in the Oakland, Berkeley, and San Francisco area.                                                                       2) There is a Cirque du Soleil show taking place at AT&T park in San Francisco on Thanksgiving Day. Grab a friend or two and head out for a fun show!                                                                                                                 3) Go on a hike to the Fire Trails: With everyone out (or in) for the holidays, it's the perfect time to take advantage of the free. 

Make this Thanksgiving worthwhile despite not being able to spend it with your family

Angela

[thelovecafe]

"Being a transfer student sucks. It's almost the end of my first semester and I don't feel like I have made very much progress socially (or academically, really). Any tips?"

Hi there!I am not a transfer student, however I can relate because I think everyone at their first year at Cal has some initial problems socially and academically.As far as academics go, I can not stress enough getting outside help for classes. I find that if I do not understand something that the professor is teaching, it doesn't usually help to go to office hours or to rewatch lectures. Instead, I can actually learn the material when I have someone else try to teach it to me in a different way. This can be done by going to GSI office hours, utilizing the SLC, or paying for a tutor.As far as making social progress, I think the best way to make healthy, long-lasting relationships is to find your niche. This school has thousands and thousands of students, however joining a club or trying out for a team or volunteering with a certain group of people allows you to meet and share experiences with people who have similar interests as you. Also, stop by the transfer student center to find out what academic workshops or social events are coming up! 

Good luck,

Simran

Hi! Hang in there! Things will definitely get better. The first semester is usually a hit or miss for many students. It may be harder for some people to adjust than others. BUT, this does not mean you aren't progressing! It is very challenging juggling social life, school, and extra-curricular as a college students. Here are some tips to heightened you productivity at Cal: 

1) Join clubs.

Joining an on-campus organization opens many doors to the realm of networking. It gives you the chance the meet students of all majors. Cal has so many clubs to choose from that you're bound to find a few that piques your interests.

2) Go to events held by organizations on campus and in Berkeley.

I would also suggest to be adventurous and attend events that are occurring on campus and in Berkeley. Often times, clubs hold events and talks that all students can attend. This would be a great way to network, build your knowledge on something that interests you, and meet new people!

3) Form study groups.

When it comes to academics, studying with other people is an effective way of retaining information. When you study with others, you can understand the material better because you are either the one teaching it or you're relearning the information in a different setting.

4) Do something you enjoy!

Personally, I found it very rewarding to find a hobby that I enjoyed on campus. For me, it was joining Cal's Boxing Team. I didn't try out looking for friends or anything. It was solely for me. When I eventually got on the team, the friends came along with it! I found a group of people that enjoyed the sport just as much as I did.

5) Explore nearby cities

If you ever have time, go explore different cities with a few friends. Invite them through Facebook or just create an event. There are so many cool cities to venture out too. It just takes a few moments to invite a few friends. Take the initiative and be bold! San Francisco and Oakland are two that are homes to amazing food and cultural diversity.

It's normal to feel like you're not progressing in your academics or social life but if I must say so myself, Cal is so competitive that these feelings are bound to occur. Not saying it's going to be like this forever, but it may take a little more effort on your hand to reach out to friends and to excel academically. Take risks and if things aren't coming to you, sometimes, you just have to chase after them. Keep your head up because Cal is a wonderful university that has yet been entirely explored.

Angela

[thelovecafe]

"My roommate and I are on two different schedules. I'm up early getting ready for 8am's and he tends to get back to the apartment late- plus, he's a night owl. He's gotten upset with me in the past for making noise "too early" and honestly, he wakes me up at times when he's up late at night. What can I do about this?"

Hi there! Roommate communication is vital, especially when it comes to living with others. Both individuals have to be willing to make compromises because you two decided to live together to begin with. Be open to your roommate and express any ongoing concerns. I would suggest kindly mentioning the problem to your roommate and to find a middle ground where you both can alleviate the problem. Maybe you two can come up with a solution that tailors to both of your routines. Another suggestion could also be to invest in some ear plugs! These tiny objects do wonders when it comes to blocking out noise. If both roommate have earplugs in, one person won't be disturbing the other! Although, I still believe speaking to your roommate about this issue shows how serious you are about this issue. No one wants to be abruptly waken up from their sleep, but the problem will persists if no one says anything about it. Tackle this problem before arguments arise or before anyone reaches a breaking point. Need I stress, communication is important and the faster you let your roommate know what your situation is, the faster you see results! Sometimes, living with other people means sacrificing space, time, and change.

Angela    

Hi there!  Almost anyone who has had a roommate ever has had this issue: conflicting sleep schedules. I think honest communication is the best bet here. And when you do decide to bring the issue up, make sure you emphasize the fact that you're bringing this to his attention because you genuinely are being affected by his sleep schedule, and that you're not calling him out to retaliate because he's complained about you. Because he's already spoken to you about how your sleep schedule affects him, he's made it clear that he values his sleep. Tell him that you value your sleep very much as well, and that you both should take each other's sleep into consideration and be quiet and respectful when the other is asleep. The golden rule of "Treat others the way you want to be treated" is crucial in having good relationships. Tell him that you are working on respecting his sleep and he needs to do the same for you. Good luck!

Simran

I think the best thing to do at this point is to sit down and have an open and honest discussion about it. Do this as soon as you can, before things start getting passive-aggressive – that’s the general tendency when underlying tensions are left alone for an extended period of time.To start off this conversation, it’s important to approach it from a non-accusatory standpoint. Your roommate most likely doesn’t have any malicious intent, and isn’t aware of the fact that he’s being a little hypocritical by getting upset with you over something he does as well. That’s what this conversation is for! Let him now how you’re feeling by trying to start most of your sentences with “I feel...” or “When this happened, it made me feel...” By placing an emphasis on your feelings, as opposed to consistently berating him for his actions, it will create a more open-ended discussion where he will feel more comfortable sharing what he feels as well. Conversations like this tend to be more productive.Coexisting in general is hard, let alone with someone you didn’t necessarily choose to live with.

Justin

 You both definitely need to talk about this, and make sure you do so at a time when you guys are getting along (AKA not upset over lack of sleep). Try to come up with some kind of compromise, but even if you don’t, at least both of you know where y’all stand and can be sleep-deprived together!      

Some possible solutions: you pack your stuff and prepare for tomorrow before you go to sleep and make sure to make as little noise in the mornings as possible (don’t hit snooze on your alarm!), while he uses foam earplugs, is quiet when coming home, and doesn’t turn/keep the lights on. Using some kind of white noise generator (like a fan, humidifier, or youtube video) that you turn on when you go to bed and your roommate turns off when he wakes up may prevent either of you from waking up unnecessarily. If you two are having a hard time coming to an agreement (and you live in a dorm), ask your RA to help mediate. If it really bothers both of you, you could try to switch roommates, but that may be more trouble than it’s worth, especially if this is the main conflict. Communication between roommates is really important, as you don’t want resentment over something small to boil over and turn ugly. I hope this helps! Good luck!

Vini