how you get the girl: calum hood.
1989 (Heartbreak Grill’s Version)
stand there like a ghost, shaking from the rain. she’ll open up the door and say, ‘are you insane?’
“there’s someone here for you!”
i looked up from my computer screen, eyes trailing across the rainy window, pattering softly from the droplets that drenched the glass. my roommate passed my room, lazily shouting the sentence through the open door.
i furrowed my brows. i wasn’t expecting anybody, and i didn’t have any packages that were getting delivered- at least, not until tomorrow.
“who is it?” i shouted down the hall, towards the living room, as i stepped from my room.
“don’t know. some boy,” she replied. the television unpaused and a laughter track interrupted any further conversation we could have.
i turned back towards the front door. a blurry shadow was illuminated through the frosted panes of the door. it was a tall man. part of me worried that this was the moment at the beginning of a horror movie, when girls like me always died.
part of me worried it was someone worse.
i latched a hand around the door knob, cowering in on myself as the brisk wind gushed through the foyer of the apartment. goosebumps nibbled at my skin. i shivered. my hair wafted over my shoulders.
and my eyes focused on the figure looming over my doorstep, their black clothing dripping with water, hair soaked to the scalp.
my jaw slackened, my eyes widened. “what the fuck are you doing here?”
calum let out a heavy sigh, as though he’d been holding his breath since the last time we spoke. my eyes drug over his stormy demeanor, images flashing through my mind of a time i tried so hard not to remember.
“calum,” i insisted, “what are you doing here? what- don’t you have tour? shouldn’t you be in- in mexico right now?”
“i had to see you,” he rushed out.
rain splashed on my bare feet, against the exposed skin on my arms, as the sky continued pouring. i flinched at the cold droplets.
“what…” i couldn’t put together many words right now, but i knew, “you need to come in, you’re gonna get sick!”
i stepped aside, ushering him into the foyer. the carpet dampened under his converse and a puddle started forming on the hardwood. calum shook his hair out, spraying water across my shirt like a dog fresh out of a bath.
i huffed, “um…let me get- a towel. hang on. stay,” i gestured to him like he really was an animal.
he chuckled shortly.
say it’s been a long six months and you were too afraid to tell her what you want.
i ushered calum into my room, shoving a towel into his hands. i lay another one across the floor to clean up his mess. he shed his converse, his jacket, tossing it into my hamper.
“you still have my zeppelin shirt,” he stated, memory clear as a day.
“is that what you came here for?” i crossed my arms, a little defensive at his somewhat rude accusation.
calum dried his curls out with the towel. he chuckled again at my words. “no…i-“ he ran the towel over his face, then pointed at his body, “i’m soaked. you have my shirt.”
“oh!” i straightened up, red in the face at my lack of understanding. “yeah…i…”
i ashamedly dug through my pajama drawer, pulling out the top-big t-shirt that i resisted the urge to wear to sleep sometimes. i turned my body away from calum as he began to take off his shirt, with no warning. but, i could him in the mirror.
my eyes trailed over his body, as sure as my fingertips remember it.
say it’s been a long six months, and you were too afraid to tell her what you want.
calum spoke my name, a sound so sweet, so sacred, that my body wracked with anticipation, with a drawing want for what we had.
i looked back at him, arms uncrossing themselves. “why are you here, calum?” my tone had dropped, a saddened furrow pulling my brows together. “it’s been…six months.”
“i know,” calum stepped towards me, hands shaking before him. he lay them out like a truce. i wanted to grab them, to hit them yet hold them. to curse them and worship their fingertips.
i pressed my own fingers to my forehead, cooling the heat that sprouted there. “what- just please, say something! i don’t hear from you for six months and you just…show up, out of the blue? what’s going on?”
calum fidgeted with the ring on his finger, rolled his lips together. they were nervous habits i’d picked up on in the short time we’d spent together.
flickering memories i’d never seemed to be able to forget.
“i’m sorry,” calum shook his head, as if rejecting his own actions. “im sorry for leaving. im sorry for not saying goodbye. im sorry for…for not telling you…”
and that’s how it works, that’s how you get the girl.
“telling me what?” i could feel frustrated, angry tears welling up in my eyes. i was just so…how could he do this?
how could he come into my life, unexpectedly, make me feel things i’d never known before, then shut the door on a chapter that had gone unfinished?
then, pick back up the book after six months, as though he could just finish me off whenever he so pleased?
“telling me what, calum?” i pressed, taking a step closer.
“telling you that i love you,” he nearly whispered it, as though he was scared of the confession, as though it would shift the entire world.
i blinked.
calum stared back at me, the hood in his eyes flooding over with confusion as the silence lingered on. “i…” he tried to find some new words, tried to fill the blanks, “i love you, y/n. i’ve loved you since i saw you at the bar that night. i- i haven’t been able to forget you, and i-“
“get out.”
calum’s words stalled. his lips sat parted, the unfinished sentences lingering on the tip of his tongue. he ran it over his lips, “what?”
i crossed my arms again, tightening the clutches, as if to hold myself together, to hold myself strong. i wasn’t going to give into this.
“get out. go. leave. go back to mexico and go play your stupid little concert,” my voice was low because i was afraid that if i spoke any louder, i would crack. i’d cry.
i’d tell him that i love him too.
but i just couldn’t.
“what-?” calum went to defend himself, to try to explain the situation.
but, i was shoving his shoulder. i was gathering his shoes, tossing his coat at him, opening the front door. he battled me, weakly, sputtering out useless words, twisting around to face me, though i kept pushing.
“leave me alone.”
remind her how it used to be with pictures in frames of kisses on cheeks.
i locked the door. calum’s shadow lingered on the porch, blackened against the light. i reached a finger up towards the button and shut the porch light off. i heard calum groan.
the tears fell down my cheeks.
i had spent the last six months getting over him.
i had spent hours in therapy, wondering why he had never picked me in the first place, why he had abandoned me like an unwanted path of his life.
i had grieved a relationship that never even got to exist, i had gotten over somebody who i never even had in the first place. i had rebuilt myself, i had redownloaded the dating apps. i was starting over.
i was moving on.
and now he was here and i felt like that naive girl from six months ago.
i went back to my desk. i crossed my legs, balanced my chin on my fist, and stared at my computer screen, blankly. my mind spurred with unwanted thoughts, my heart palpitating with emotions i had been used to not feeling for so long.
i typed out a few words for my essay, hoping it would stimulate the academic side of my brain. maybe if i focused on something else, i could pretend like tonight never even happened.
i continued on my assignment, until i reached a pass. there was a section of the reading that referenced another book. i needed to get it from my closet.
of course, while i was reaching for the textbook, a box, tucked far into the corner of my closet- the corner of my mind- came toppling down onto my head. i helped at the impact, rubbing the minor injury as i reached down for the shoebox.
my brows furrowed at the sight. when it rained, it poured.
i slowly lowered myself to my knees, shaking hands reaching out for the spilled contents of the box. pictures, ticket stubs, receipts, dry flower petals, a pop can tab, candy wrappers, a ring, and a thing of red lipstick.
calum and i, at the state fair, riding the carousel like we were just kids. kissing when we hit the top, and we could see the entire town. us at the diner, two straws for one milkshake, a plate of fries, and a song on the jukebox that we’d dance to every night he stayed over. in the recording studio, on the couch, sprawled out like old friends, listening to ash and luke argue over a single beat of a song, and discovering a pair of lyrics calum had written about me.
concerts, comedy shows, basketball tournaments, high school football games, recitals we had been to.
a print out of a plane ticket to australia for next month, now refunded in my bank account. a promise for a visit that would never come to fruition.
red roses for my birthday, red roses for my grade of an a in a hard class, red roses for a friday night dinner, red roses for a late night visit. red lipstick i’d wear when we went out, just to leave vibrant, still, stuck lip prints on his cheek.
tell her how you must have lost your mind when you left her all alone and never told her why. that’s how you lost the girl.
i gathered the items back into the box with hands that would not stop shaking. it took longer than it should have because i ruminated on every detail. i held every photo like a piece of glass, examining its contents like i could renter the moment and fix things before they broke.
i set the box on my bed, gently sitting down beside it. i didn’t know where to go, what to do. i needed to work things out, i needed to find an answer.
because i loved him, too.
i found myself reaching for my phone, dialing his number. i found myself under an umbrella, headed towards that old diner.
“thanks for meeting me.”
i wrapped my frozen fingers around the steaming cup of coffee, grateful for the radiating warmth. the air conditioning was still sputtering above us and i shivered.
“y-yeah,” i barely nodded, still unsure of what to say.
calum took a sip of his own coffee. he gulped. he licked his lips. he prodded at the ketchup bottle on our table with a stray straw. his eyes trailed over to the colorful machine on the table. “they raised the price of the jukebox.”
i followed his gaze. so they had. it used to be 50¢ per song. now it was $1.00.
“hm,” i remarked, staring at the dollar sign. “strange.”
“you didn’t know?” calum inquired, looking to me with a raised brow.
i shrugged, “i haven’t been here since…”
“july,” he filled in my gap. “it’s been…since july.”
“ah,” i nodded once. “seems like forever ago.”
“i know.”
a thick pass of silence sat stale in the air.
i nursed a few sips of my coffee. if he wanted, then he should talk. i would not be the one figuring this out. i would not beg him to make up for the loss he’d made me grieve.
eventually, he whispered, “i had to go.”
i flicked my eyes up to his before pulling them back down to the table. he dropped his head, chin against his chest, defeated. “i’m sorry. i’ll say it a million times- i’m sorry. i had to go. we- we decided last minute to announce the tour. there was a lot of bullshit we had to handle before starting it. and i, i don’t know…i didn’t want you to get caught up in the drama of it all. i didn’t want the world to get its hands on you…”
“so, you ghost me? you leave with no letter, no text, nothing?” i blinked back a tear. “wow…my knight in shining armor. thanks, calum.”
he huffed at himself, “no…i- listen, please-“
“no,” i denied him, “no, you listen, okay? i devoted myself to you for six months. i centered my whole life on you. i fell in love with you and i- gave you everything. because you were everything to me. and, i fucking waited and waited for you to say something, to tell me you wanted me, to ask me to drop everything and come with you because i would have! i would have gone to the ends of the earth with you because i loved you.
“and you left me,” i quickly brushed away tears as they rushed from my eyes, pattering against the table like the raindrops outside the diner window.
calum didn’t respond. he shuffled in his seat, leaning back, head dropping again.
and you know that i don’t want you to go. and say you want me.
i couldn’t handle it anymore. i’d given him a chance. i’d heard him out. his explanation just wasn’t enough for the heartbreak i’d had to handle.
so, i pushed up out of the booth, tugging my purse strap over my shoulder, my hood over my head. i veered for the door, passing our waitress with a half-hearted, “excuse me.”
i cursed the diner for being so big, for the exit to be on the other side of the building from where our usual table sat. i cursed that friday evening for drawing in so many customers to watch me, mascara blackening my cheeks, snot on my nose, storm like a baby from the restaurant.
just as my hand reached the bar on the door, the jukebox wound to life. the regular radio had been playing from the louder speakers because no one really paid for the old sound machine anymore. it didn’t have any modern songs, and it cost too much, apparently.
a familiar sultry beat came from the rusty speakers. my sneakers squeaked against the linoleum floors. i pushed the strap of my purse further up my shoulder. my heart tugged itself back towards the table, but i grounded the soles of my shoes.
i turned my head, caught his eye. he smiled, sadly. his hand had been cranking the knob on the quarter insert and it slowly dropped to the table. i glanced my eyes over the back of the diner, near the bathrooms, where a space sat for dancing, abandoned by the modern years. i saw two people dancing, consuming one another, lost in the thrill of it all. lost in the music.
and then you say i want you for worse or for better, i would wait forever and ever.
i crossed my arms over my chest and slowly walked back to the table. i slid back into the booth, dropping my purse down beside me.
“why did you leave?” i whispered, that heartbroken disbelief still heavy on my chest.
“i was scared,” calum admitted. he reached a hand across the table.
i leaned back, away from it. “of what?”
“of you,” he let out a breathy laugh. i didn’t smile. calum frowned again, searched for words, “i was scared of what loving you might mean. when we were here to record the album, we got to pretend like we were normal people for a while. i didn’t have to care about the pressure from the fans, staying sober, being a good person. life just came easy and naturally. but, if i left here with your heart in my hands- things would get hard. i wouldn’t be able to keep you distant from my real life. i wouldn’t be able to keep you sacred. nothing would be normal for us ever again.”
i understood it, now. i didn’t like it- i was still angry about it. but it made sense.
he wanted a peaceful love, but life made it so everything was rocky. not even i could prevent the world to taint this.
“i couldn’t…” calum trailed off. he reached out his hand again. “i can’t do it with out you anymore. i don’t care…”
he lost his words. i set a hand upon the table, fingers inching near his. he gratefully pressed his fingertips into mine, opening my palm. i stared at our hands. electricity crackled under my skin.
“i want you and i don’t care about the rest of the world. we’ll deal with it. we’ll figure it out. if it means losing you…these past six months have been hard. i’m sure you know what i mean…”
i nodded with a hopeless chuckle. “yeah, i do.”
broke your heart i’ll put it back together. i would wait forever and ever.
“i struggled with staying sober cause i just…i felt so stupid and worthless. i know i put you through so much pain. i know leaving was wrong and awful and i’ll never forgive myself for not even explaining it. i never want to…i never want to leave you again,” he was crying.
“calum, i…” i took his hand in both mine, “i don’t know. i’m just…you took so much of me with you. i had to learn how to exist without those parts of myself. i had to relearn who i was. i had to grieve her- us. it was so hard- you just left me. but…i don’t know. i need time. i need time to think and…”
“i know, i know, i know,” calum nodded quickly. “no, i know. i don’t expect…i don’t expect any answers. i don’t expect you to confess your feelings for me. i just…i needed to tell you that i love you. i couldn’t go another day without you knowing it. i needed to tell you and…and try to get you back.”
“well,” i glanced up from our hands, meeting his eye with a hopeful smile, “i think you got me.”
and that’s how it works. that’s how you got the girl.
